April's Real Blog

Friday, November 16, 2007

Burps and Young Rivalry

Yeah, we're still on the reminiscing abt Kindergarten-Mike. Mike was all, "Oh, Lizardbreath! U'll like what I've got 2 share next. It has U in it." Anthony was like, "How wonderful!" Liz sed, "Theatrical. Emotional. Smart. Inquisitive." I sed, "[ . . . ]."

Mike was like, "Watch these thot bubbles. This is going to charm U!" 1st thot bubble had Mike talking 2 baby Liz, who was in sum kinda old-fashioned death-trap baby seat on what looked like a kitchen counter. She wasn't, like, belted in2 the thing in NE way, and there was no adult 2 B C'n. Mike was saying, "I'm 5, Elizabeth... an' I can count 2 100. I can even spell my name frontwards an' I know lots of stuff." Second thot bubble had baby Nizzie with a speech bubble: "Blrgl?" And Mike, in the 3rd an' final thot bubble, sed, "So.. howcome all U gotta do is burp, an' every1 thinx U're wonderful?" And just then real-time Liz put her hand on her mouth and burped. And Anthony clapped his hands and sed, "WONDERFUL!" I was like, "Liz, is this story supposed 2 bring us back 2 the topic that U started w/, abt U an' Mike being "so far away" from ea other in spite of being closer in age than I M w/either of U?" Liz was like, "What? Who even knows NEmore?"

Then I asked, "Mike, Y did U specify that U cd spell yr name frontwards? Were U working on an' failing with spelling it backwards?" Mike sed, "April, pls do not ask about that!" I sed, "L-E-A-H-C-I-M." Mike sed, "Show-off!"

Our waitress came over 2 our table, all, "How is everything?" I cd tell she really wanted us 2 vac8 the table, but clueless Mike was like, "Marvelous! I always enjoy myself @ my dear friend Gordo's car-dealership restaurant!" I tried 2 mouth the words, "Don't worry, I will tip U when they're not looking," but that's a lot of lip-reading 2 xxpect from a hearing person.


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  • At 6:50 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Lemme get this straight. He wanted to be the idiot in the death-trap booster chair, puking and crapping himself? He wanted Liz to have been born first so she could get yelled at and he could get fussed over? Saldy, that would have made for a beter family. She wasn't nearly as aggressive as Mike and would have gladly shared the spotlight. That would have made him a less terroristic pinhead. That is, till he had competition. Still wanna have siblings close to your age?

  • At 12:07 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Sadly you and your Amazon River catfish friend do not seem to appreciate the fine burping skills of our sister, Liz. She tries to cover it up now, but when she was younger, her "Blrgl?"s were quite skilled. In case you didn’t notice from my thought balloon, and obviously you didn’t since you didn’t mention it, Liz’s "Blrgl?" was not only a burp but an interrogative, which is to say, she was asking a question. Sometimes she would burp with exclamation. Sometimes she would burp with an ellipse following it. Sometimes her burp was surrounded by parentheses. There was no telling how she was going to punctuate those unexpected excretions of stomach gas. Mom and Dad used to call it wonderful, and they used to spend hours trying to interpret what the little Lizardbreath said. Mom even kept a scrapbook at one point. When your little sister burps in such an unusual and interesting way, how is an older brother with boring burps going to measure up? Obviously, simple knowledge was not enough.

    Of course later on in life, Elizabeth developed the foul and rank Lizardbreath which definitely put mom and dad “off the scent” (get it?) of burp interpretation. It did also even the playing field as far as our sibling rivalry was concerned. But in those early years, no matter how many times I scalded dad with hot water, or yelled “Aaah” to frighten mom, or taunt dad with sex jokes; I could not compete with even the simplest "Blrgl?" from Elizabeth.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:27 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, uc there iz 1 of the few thingz i cud do w/my dad which wuz fun & didn’t involve drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, jail time or country musick: burping. we wud have burpin’ contests in the car, wenevah he took his court-mandated visit with me. i dunno y a baby’s burps wud b all that xxcitin’ 2 ur mom & dad, but mebbe ur bro iz rite ‘bout that burpin’ w/a question thing. i think i wud call it more weird than wonderful tho, if i heard a baby do that.

    i gotta say i needta apologize 1 more tyme ‘bout last nite. wen we were snuggling & watchin’ the leafs get beat, & u leaned back against me, wuz rilly g8, but it wuz kinda against my stomach & i hadda a lotta soda, so it just kinda came outa me that big, long burp. i know u thot it wuz rilly gross, but u were so cube wen u burped 2. it wuz kinda like 1 of those good tymez w/my dad, xxcept ur not like my dad @all. not nethin’ like him. i mean i rilly enjoyed burpin’ w/u. that soundz kinda weird, eh? so, i’ll just say sorry i burped right in ur ear, but thanx 4 b-ing so cube ‘bout it.

  • At 12:45 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your brother’s story is interesting in terms of his perspective. After literally 3 weeks of stories, where he described in vivid detail, about how awful his behaviour was as a child, he believes your mom and dad thought your sister was wonderful due to her burps? I suspect they thought your sister was wonderful because she redeemed the idea of having children in their eyes, after having to deal with your brother. Honestly, if my daughters, María and Ana, behaved like your brother did, I would question the whole idea of parenting being a fulfilling and worthwhile activity. I expect your parents were no different. After dealing with a son who physically threatens his infant sister, who scalds his father with hot shower water, who openly taunts his father with sex jokes, who smashes things and thinks it is OK because nothing fell, who takes advantage of his mother helping him set up a lemonade stand, who uses obscene language with his friends, who intentionally frightens his mother and mail carriers, who can’t play a simple game of checkers without accusing someone of cheating, and who can’t let his father defecate in peace; a burping baby would be wonderful. I would bet even a baby with a messy diaper would be wonderful compared to your brother at that age. The past 3 weeks may not make me think good things about your mom and dad’s parenting skills, but it has made me actually sympathize with them. That is something, by itself.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u don't hafta feel bad abt the burp, jeremy. i have seen and heard much worse from members of my fam!

    howard, funny u shd say that abt sympathizing w/my 'rents. they have started 2 receive sympathy cards from strangers. since there r no sympathy cards 4 xxactly this sitch, the ppl who send the cards cross out the stuff abt the dearly departed luvved one 2 make them "sorry abt michael patterson" cards.


  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    I was cute! Yay!


  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, sorry abt mom an' dad's reaction when u came by the house this evening and burped. i know u were hoping they'd go, "aw, how wonderful! so cute!" and instead they were all, "liz, did u 4get 2 say 'xxcuse me?!?!?!?!'" i cd tell u were v. v. disappointed.


  • At 9:55 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Once again you have misinterpreted people’s kindnesses to me. I asked mom about those dearly departed cards you say mom and dad are getting which say, “Sorry about Michael Patterson”. Mom said that the reason they were getting those cards is because they know how well my book has been selling and they have presumed (incorrectly I might add), because dad has always taken an adversarial view towards people who are successful in the entertainment industry (like your slatternly friend Becky McGuire), that the phenomenal way my book has been doing would cause him some consternation.

    Mom explained that they needn’t worry about dad disliking my success, so long as I invested a little of my profits in a few areas in which he is interested in investing. For example, the other day, Mr. Singh apparently completely ignored dad in his store for a whole 5 minutes, before he noticed dad was there to buy a replacement pair of ear buds (don’t ask why he needed them). Mr. Singh’s excuse that there were 6 customers ahead of him did not move dad’s train down the track (so to speak). Dad is so used to the personal service he gets at Gordon Mayes’ Midtown Motors and at the adjoining County Kitchen and at Lakeshore Landscaping with Lawrence Poirier, it’s just natural he should expect to get that kind of service anywhere he goes in Milborough. My lovely Deanna agrees with dad, so I think some of our profits may go to investing in Mr. Singh’s store. Dad has sort of “Singh”-led him out for our first investment.

    So, you don’t need to worry about those cards, formerly little sis. Mom says your interpretation of them doesn’t make sense anyway. As mom puts it, “Why would anybody feel sorry for us that you were a rotten kid, when your actions today make those little kid actions seem completely insignificant?” As always, mom is quite right. Is she ever wrong about anything?

    When I was a little kid, I could never have written my novel Stone Season, and I am sure that my contribution to Canadian literature and literature in general makes up for any mischief I may have achieved during my emotional, sensitive, theatrical, smart and inquisitive younger years of 5 (or 6).

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, y is ur sis sittin' b-hind us in the movie theatre burpin'?


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