April's Real Blog

Friday, November 09, 2007

Lil Mike's "Vocabulary"

So, U mite remember I was in the restaurant @ Mayes Midtown Motors, sitting in a booth w/Liz across from me, Mike next 2 me, and Anthony next 2 Liz. Mike had shared his story abt the lemonade stand.

NEway, rite after Gordo walked away, Liz dug sum of her index cards out of her purse, checked thru them, put them back, and sed, "He also had quite a vocabulary." She sprang a thot bubble of Mom holding a dead-twig looking plant and leaning her ear by a window where these were being shouted from outside: "*"; "!"; "@"; "[Saturn]"; "*" As U know, that is a v. v. rude swear. Next thot bubble, Mom stuck her head @ the window, where a misshapen Mike was sitting on the ground w/a misshapen Lawrence, playing w/misshapen toys. Mom's speech bubble was all, "Michael! ..Don't U ever let me hear U using those words again!!!" I cut in and asked, "Liz, since Mike is rite here, Y can't U just let HIM tell this?" Liz sed, "Don't interrupt me, I'm following my instructions." And the next thot bubble had Mike and Lawrence picking up the toys as Mike speech bubbled, "C'mon, Lawrence, let's go over 2 the park..." Last speech bubble, they were walking, and they'd gone completely white, w/just a crude outline 2 them, as Mike sed, "She can't hear a thing from there..."

Anthony clapped his hands. "What a wonderful story! I'll have to remember that in case I ever hear Francie swearing like that. Then she could wander off to the park unattended and I wouldn't have 2 hear her swear! Elly Patterson is a GENIUS!"

I sed, "Anthony, never use my mom as a parenting model. She had lots and lots of bad--"

Mike interrupted me w/"Stuff and nonsense, formerly little sister! Mom is a parenting ICON in this town. People gather 'round 2 find out every detail of her parenting, and then they gather 2 compare how much they identify w/her. Once again, U R showing yr youth and inexperience. When U get 2 B my or Lizardbreath's age, U'll understand better!"

I started 2 say, "Mike, I'm not going 2 change my mind--" But this time Anthony interrupted. "Listen 2 yr big brother, April. His advice 2 me has been invaluable!" Anthony looked over @ Mike and winked.

Mike sed, "Speaking of which, Liz, U mite want 2 have one of those." He pointed @ the bowl of mints @ Liz & my end of the table. Liz was like, "What R U talking abt?" And Mike mimed blowing in2 his hand 2 smell his own breath. Then rolled his eyes in Anthony's direction and made a kissy face.

Anthony had only caught the kissy-face part, and he sed, "Michael, I like U, really I do, but I don't want to kiss NE1 other than Elizabeth!"

Mike was just like, "Don't worry, Anthony. In my position of eldest Patterson sibling and only male Patterson of my cohort, I am giving my dear sister a little bit of coaching. U will benefit from this if she complies." He gave Liz a hard stare. She stared back, frowned, and then had a mint. Mike whispered, "Good Lizard!"

Well, it's Friday. MAYBE I'll have this bit wrapped up 2morrow.


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  • At 7:51 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    He is literal minded, isn't he? Nice to know he was born that way. It really explains a lot.

  • At 7:54 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, it's sad that our mom never saw it as a problem that needed 2 b worked on. she just thot it was all hilarious and stuff. unless it pissed her off, in which case she unhinged her jaw and shrieked.


  • At 5:42 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Yes, I managed to get Elizabeth to take a mint for Anthony’s sake (and really everyone’s sake because her breath mixed with coffee breath is enough to peel paint off a wall, and no, we don’t have to pay for that paint, since dad is an investor with Gordon).

    Elizabeth’s story today was a good one. I remember the happy, carefree days when I was a young lad of 5 years swearing up a storm. A little later in life, when I was starting to get interested in girls (Yes, Michael Patterson started young), I expressed interest in a young Deanna Sobinski by saying "*!@[Saturn]* Deanna. You are the "*!@[Saturn]* I never saw a *!@[Saturn]* as *!@[Saturn]* as you are.” Then Deanna slapped me and said, “Michael Patterson, if you think I am interested in someone who swears like you do, you have to be crazy.” It was then I learned from the girl who would one day be my wife, that people who curse are crazy. That perspective made things a lot easier to understand, particularly when it came to our Grandpa Jim.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i think my mom thinks the only time it’s all rite 2 curse iz ‘round my dad, cuz thass wen she mainly curses iz wen she hazta deal w/him. peeps in the musick industry, where i usedta work, curse a lot. u practically hafta curse 2b accepted. so, if i curse ‘round u, it’s just a habit frum that. i dunno if u don’t like that or not. i mean in ur sis’ story it sounds like ur mom iz against it, but i’ve heard ur mom curse plenty. me & practically the whole neighbourhood have heard it, a lotta tymez, so i guess i figgered it wuz all rite by u, but i dunno. i don’t want u2 think i’m like ur bro wen he wuz 5, if i slip & say a curse word or sumthin’, eh?

    neway, i hope u don’t mind, but my mom iz gonna c the police @the air canada centre w/us. it’s always kind of a prob, wenever i go 2c old peep bands, mom wunts 2c them 2, cuz she remembers how she liked them back b4 i wuz born. she promises she’s not gonna rush the stage 2 try 2 attack sting or nethin’ like that. not aftah the last tyme.

    ok. i’ll cu in a few. i’m rilly glad ur comin’ w/me. i h8 goin’ 2 these concerts w/just my mom. i don’t look az old az i usedta, but i h8 it wen peeps think i’m like, my mom’s d8. if ur w/me that won’t b a prob, & if mom starts off on how sexy she thinks sting is, i can talk 2u instead, eh?

  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    show started a bit over an hour ago. jeremy kinda tried 2 hide b-hind me when his mom was all, "i luv u, sting!!!" and, like, thru her bra @ the stage. well, not the 1 she had on (jeremy was gr8ful 4 that), but a spare she had in her purse.


  • At 2:49 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u wud think if my mom wuz gonna throw a bra on stage, she wudn’t have used 1 of her granny bras. thanx a lot 4 puttin’ up w/mom hangin’ ‘round by the stage door 2 get sting’s autograph & then ignorin’ wen she got mad @found out sting alreddy left by anothah exit. mom duzn’t usually curse like that xxcept aftah she’s hadda meetin’ w/my dad ovah child support payments.

    by the way, wen ur kinda do that gurgly, sting-like “RRRRoxanne”, it’s way cube. it’s just like the way sting duz it, xxcept in tune & w/a sticky-out tongue. i know if sting cud’ve seen u, he prolly wud start doin’ it w/a sticky-out tongue 2, eh?

    i can't sleep cuz the nite wuz so gr8 & it wuz so gr8 gettin' 2c the concert w/u.


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