April's Real Blog

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Mike whined abt being the 1st born

When Liz and I got back 2 the TTH after our adventure in reminiscing @ the laundromat, Mike was standing in front of the house, hands in his pockets. He came over 2 the car, and Liz rolled down her window.

Mike was all, "Sis and other Sis! Two Sisses! What have U 2 been doing?" Liz told him abt going 2 the 'mat cuz of Mom and Dad being out helping w/Gramps, and abt her reminiscing. She told him the topics she'd covered.

"Oh! I'm glad U R carrying on our glorious new Patterson tradition of reminiscing! Don't leave out the tale of my complaining 2 Mom that she didn't luv me as much as she luvved U, Liz! U were napping @ the time."

Liz sed, "Mike, isn't it bad enuf I'm expected 2 tell abt things I cdn't possibly remember now b-cuz I was 2 yung @ the time? I'm supposed 2 tell April sumthing I wasn't even present 4, from that time when I was 2 yung?"

"Pshaw! Those limits R only 4 non-Pattersons! Remember that U're a Patterson! April, I remember it like it was yesterday!" Then Mike put his hand 2 his chin, got a faraway look in his eyes, and sprung sum thot bubbles that actually had speech bubbles in them!

The first thot bubble showed Mom looking completely diff, as she did yrs and yrs ago, like sum1 w/kinda crude drawing skills and a slavish devotion 2 Sparky Schulz had drawn her [and Mike 2, 4 that matter], in profile, with one hand under little Michael's chin as the other did sumthing 2 his head, w/a severely misshapen hand and an unidentifiable object of sum sort. This Michael had a speech bubble that sed, "U don't luv me as much as U luv 'Lizabeth." Then the next thot bubble had the "Mom" and the "Michael" in similar positions, only Mom had her hands @ Mike's collar and appeared 2 B pinching the fabric of his jacket like she mite B considering choking him. His speech bubble had "She can do NEthing an' U let her! U get mad @ me all the time but U NEVER get mad @ 'Lizabeth!" Then the 3rd thot bubble that Mike sprang was Mom hugging Mike, with one hand on the back of his head and the other around the back of his neck on2 his shoulder. Mom had a speech bubble that went, "We do luv U, honey! Liz is a baby. --She's not old enuf 2 understand the difference between rite and wrong--and U R!" Last thot bubble had Mike facing forward, arms xxtended 2 either side, head thrown back, mouth hugely open as a big pit o' blackness, while he shouted, "Y DID I HAFTA GET BORN 1ST!"

Liz sed, "Mike, that is a horrible story and it just reminds me of how awful U R! April, get out of the car and go inside so I can go home." So I did, and I barely had enuf time 2 get my second foot out of the car B4 she went tear-assing out of the driveway w/a gr8 big "screech," nearly running over Connie Poirier, who was power walking.

Mike was all, "What a kidder she is! Naturally, I know she luvs and appreciates me. So, April, do U know if there's NE milk and sugar I can 'borrow'? Dee's been working overtime l8ly, so no time 2 shop, and U know I can't B expected 2 go 2 the store when I'm following my muse!" I sed that we mite have milk, and he followed me in2 the house. My fone rang, and it was Jeremy, so I left Mike 2 his own devices in the kitchen. This all happed abt a wk ago, BTW.


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  • At 8:17 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Oh, my. Mike wanted not to be first born, eh? That does make him unique as well as silly because nobody regular would want that. He'd've be all about the stuff he could do and Lizzie couldn't if he wasn't 'special'. He'd also have accepted getting yelled at as the price he paid for being a big kid. After all, as soon as Liz was on her feet, she got to see your Mom's bridgework too.

  • At 8:23 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    watch out, dc2, mike will take yr remark abt b-ing "special" and thank u v. much 4 complimenting him. he's impervious [vocab word!] 2 criticism.


  • At 10:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I know, I know. How appropriate that his son is equally special.

  • At 11:24 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I had wondered if you would ever get around to telling that special story about me and mom. And in case your readers were wondering, that was not the only time mom gave me a hug and said comforting words to me. There were at least 3 or 4 other times I can remember. Maybe April will get around to telling you about them too, in case she decides to remember Liz told her other stories next week.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:32 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, now i think i unnerstand that tyme i called u a week ago & u kept sayin’ “get ur head outa the fridge & use a spoon @least, u idiot.” @least i know u weren’t talkin’ ‘bout me.

    it’s kinda odd 2 hear ur bro tell a story ‘bout ur mom wen she wuzn’t yellin’. thass wut i am usedta hearin’ frum ur mom, altho mostly @a long distance, like in my house, w/the doors closed, & my fingahs in my ears & a couple of km away. ur mom sure haz changed. i mean u told me she & ur dad did a little dance they were done w/parentin’ wen u turned 16, but i didn’t b-lieve till we got home last nite rilly l8. sorry ‘bout that rilly l8 part. i hafta get a new battery 4 my watch 2day.

    neway, ur mom wuz sittin’ there eatin’ ice cream & we walked in l8 & she didn’t say nethin’ 2u ‘bout it xxcept that she 8 all the butter tarts. ‘course u kinda gasped wen she sed that like u had been stabbed or sumthin’, so mebbe that wuz ur mom’s new kinda discipline 4 wen ur ovah 16. evn so, she didn’t tell me 2 leave or nethin’ & it wuz kinda weird how u sed we cud sit & talk in ur livin’ room till the sun came up az long az i signed those papers sayin' i wuz offically declarin' myself 2b ur childhood sweetheart.

    i know u kinda spent this week talkin’ ‘bout how u wished u hadda a closer age bro or sis. u know that ("y did i hafta get born last!") thing we talked ‘bout. frum wut it sounds like frum the stories ur sis told, u were bettah off last, cuz ur sis & ur bro were fitin’ practically like wen they were born. @least u hadda time in ur life wen no1 in ur house wuz tryin’ 2b mean 2u.

    oh, i got the tix 4 the mboro ice hockey 2nite. i hope ur free. i know u sed u mite get pulled n2 baby-sittin' cuz of ur bro & sil celebr8in' ur nephew's b-day this afternoon & sumtymes they get all "parented out" b-ing good parents all day long & ur mom makes u sit 4 ur niece & nephew, so ur bro & sil can recover. lemme know if u can get free.

  • At 11:42 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Don’t forget my son’s birthday party at 12. Bring a present. Don’t forget to duck, if you hear, “Hi-ya. Kowabunga. Super-Teddy.” Actually, I bought a whole pile of those bears for the party. Each child gets one and we are going into the back yard for target practice as a party game. There is a big space near the ravine which would be perfect. I wonder if I can get mom to bring the dogs over for the kids to use as moving targets. If you see mom, be sure to ask her. On second thought, I’ll just come and get the dogs. See you in a few minutes.

    By the way, mom said you would babysit for Deanna and me tonight. We are going to be too tired after this party and we will need the time off. Thanks in advance.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, nuts, jeremy, it loox like i m being roped in2 babysitting 2nite. it's like i have no free will in this st00pid fam of mine.

    so, i m on my way over 2 our old house 4 robin's party. i'm ready 2 duck.


  • At 11:52 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, thass ok. u know, i cud help u w/that baby-sittin', if ur innerested.

  • At 12:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, that wd b v. v. cube. and i m sure, after what happed w/ger, u know this won't b a time 4 "wine an' comfy accommodations," eh?

    btw, i just had a v. v. odd convo w/merrie. she came up 2 me all, "auntie april, did u know that there was this one time when attic-daddy was abt my age, and grandma elly had this talk w/grandpa john, w/out mike or lizzie being in the room? and grandma elly was, like, pinching 2 her belly flab, and grandpa john came up 2 her saying 'believe me... i don't think u're fat!' and asking 'how can i convince u that u're just rite?' and then hugged her and sed, 'b-sides...i've always liked healthy women...' and that this caused grandma elly 2 scream, aaaaaaaaah!'? which made grandpa john leap back, w/his glasses flying off his face and his hair standing up in the air str8 up?"

    i sed, "no, i didn't know that, tho i'm not surprised. but how on earth do U know this?" and merrie shrugged and sed, "i dunno how i know, but i know. oh, attic-daddy is saying it's time 4 'toss the super teddies'!"

    oh, god. the ravine! i hafta go.


  • At 1:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u don't hafta worry 'bout wine & comfy accommodations w/me, cuz of that time wen my dad took me on outin' w/him, a lotta wine bottles & sum girl he picked up @1 of hiz concerts named lola. it kinda ruined me on that kinda thing.

    lemme know wen ur bro & ur sil r ready 2 go & i'll come ovah while they r there, so they know, in case they have sum kinda objection. cuz back wen i had my outin' w/lola, mom found out, & she hadda lotta objections.

    'course if u need me 2 come ovah & help fish kids outa the ravine, i can do that 2.

  • At 1:14 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    There is no need to come fishing children out of a ravine. The children are having a great time with their Super-Teddys. They are laughing and screaming and doing all those things kids like to do. It’s their parents who are causing problems. “That Teddy bear broke my glasses.” “That Teddy bear caused me to fall over this chair.’ “That Teddy bear made great aunt Eustace fall in the ravine.” What a bunch of whiners and complainers. And the dogs were no help either. They have hidden between the bushes and house, where the kids can’t get to them. Some live, moving targets they are.

    I certainly do not have any problem with you helping April baby-sit, as long as you bring over your official childhood sweetheart paperwork and sign in. I think my wife, the lovely Deanna, also has no objections, as long as you do a little wallpaper stripping while you are here. And the bathrooms need to be cleaned. And there are some large spiderwebs in the basement which need to be removed. And the kitchen floor needs to be…no scratch that…Deanna would rather you refinish the cabinets.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    michael, do u have the material 4 refinishing cabinets @ur house?

  • At 1:15 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    Now that you mention it, no. Do you mind picking that up on the way over?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:16 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    michael, no prob. we have sum stuff left over in my house frum wen i did ours. that ok?

  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    That would be fine. Do you mind coming over a little early? There is an old lady in the ravine and the dogs are not strong enough to pull her out.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:18 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    michael, how big is she? iris richards big or elly patterson big?

  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    Not that my mother is big, mind you, but the old lady is about the size of my mom.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    michael, i'll c if i can borrow my mom's truck. it has a winch.

  • At 1:21 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    Can you borrow more than one truck? April's holding the dog who is holding the old lady in the water, and April is little heavyish.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:21 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    michael, 1 truck. april duzn't weigh much. i've picked her up b4.

  • At 1:24 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    Well, if you think that will be enough. I would hate to see the truck get dragged into the ravine with that Eustace lady, the dogs, and April. No, wait. Dad is here. Now he's yelling about how he rescued April from a ravine once and he is not going to do it again, because she should have learned her lesson the first time when it killed Farley. OK. Bring the truck.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    michael, i'm leavin' now. i'll cu in a few.

  • At 1:25 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    On the way over, can you stop by and pick up a birthday cake? That was supposed to be my job and I kind of forgot.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    Birthday cake?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    2 peeps who who read april's real blog (if there r ne),

    april iz fine but a little wet. the old lady iz fine & iz v. wet. the dogz r fine 2. the only 1 who iz not gonna b fine iz michael patterson if he asks me 1 more tyme, where the birthday cake iz.

  • At 3:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    after i got dried up, jeremy and i went out 2 krystle's kakes and pies and picked up a birthday cake. luckily, she had sum pre-fab b-day cakes, and all she hadta do was add the "robin" under the "happy birhday" lettering.


  • At 3:02 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As often as I try to teach the proper way to manipulate the space/time continuum, I don’t seem to be able to get through to my son. I fear when the time comes for him to do retroactive continuity on his own life story, he may be forced to live his life exactly the way it happened, which you must admit, April, is a pretty horrible thing for a Patterson to have to do.

    I came to this realization when I got home last night. I looked at the clock on the wall and discerned it said “8 o’clock” without a date on it; but just looking at an actual time caused to stir in me the feeling that it was “Time to set the clocks back. Another sign that winter’s coming!” Of course, the official start of “winter” is not actually coming until next month, but you know how things are around here. You tell a little story about your Gramma Marian to your daughter and the next thing you know a month has passed.

    My lovely Deanna was in her pink underwear which I think I have seen her wear, I suppose, never. She was picking out a flannel nightgown to wear which caused me to think, “As is the flannel nightgown.” Then I thought, “Sigh.” Now, formerly little sis, you may think that when I think “Sigh” it is an actual “Sigh”, but that would not be correct. In this case, my thought of “Sigh” was actually an indication of my lament of having to see my lovely Deanna with her blonde hair and fair complexion in a dotted yellow, flannel nightgown. Honestly, there is only so much yellow a man can take in his wife.

    In order to escape from this nightmare of yellow, I went to my daughter’s room, on the premise I would inform her about changing the time on her clock. I walked in and there was my daughter with her naked doll, lying in a blanket of solid yellow. Needless to say the comparison to my wife and her flannel nightgown in my mind suddenly occurred. I told her, “Turn back the time on your clock, Meredith. Daylight savings is over.” and exited as quickly as possible.

    Later on my daughter informed me of the events which followed. She said she was attempting to reset her sunflower clock back an hour when my son came in and said, “Whatcha doin’?” My daughter said she replied, “Going back in time!” Now, while this is essentially true, I have warned my daughter about using too much figurative language around my extremely literal son. Naturally, he assumed that my daughter was manipulating her clock the same way his Auntie Liz manipulated time during her conversation with Candace Halloran over the life and times of Anthony and his Quebecoise ex-wife. According to my daughter, my son replied to her, “Really?” She responded with, “Yep! One whole hour.”

    I did have to lecture my daughter thoroughly. “No figurative language around my son, and no talking like some hillbilly from the United States, with that ‘Yep!’” If there is one thing a Patterson hates, is listening to another Patterson sounding like some ignorant, uneducated person from the States. My son made the presumption of actual time manipulation and according to my daughter produced a thought balloon which said, “If I did something one hour ago, then I didn’t do it now!” And then he ran off, leaving his Super-Teddy in the dust, along with an actual dust cloud he stirred up when he started running. My lovely Deanna says we really must think about sweeping the floor in the hallway upstairs. I don’t think we have swept it since we moved in.

    After retrieving a toy (van given to him by Mira Sobinski, which I am not motivated to fix) my son had broken in the last hour, according to my daughter he asked her, “Merediff—Can you turn the time back one more hour?” To which my daughter replied, “No…why?” Then my son brought the broken toy to her and said, “It’s still broken! My daughter started laughing when she told me that part, and she continued to laugh for several minutes. I said to her, “What’s so funny?” My daughter said, “Robin thinks you change time with a clock and fix a toy. He makes me laugh.”

    Formerly little sis, as you know, if you are going to manipulate time, there are certain circumstances when that is allowed, and broken toys are not that circumstance. If my son had broken that toy over someone’s head and that event led to that someone getting a divorce and abandoning their children to a ghoulish ex-spouse, then it would be a different story. I have been paying attention and to my knowledge, my son’s broken toy has not led to any divorces.

    Michael Patterson


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