April's Real Blog

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Open-minded Dee?

Mike and Dee have been preparing 4 a Halloween party. Here's what Mike has 2 say on this:

Formerly little sis. There are some people who believe that the women of Milborough do nothing all day but try to find new ways to emasculate their men. After my lovely Deanna told me we were going to a Hallowe’en costume party where “All the women have to dress like men, and all the men have to dress like women,” I think they may be right.

My first thought in acceding to the party’s unusual dressing plan was to call mom. After all she is the biggest woman I know and she just gets bigger every time I see her. Deanna said she wasn’t that big, but I called mom to be sure. I said, “Mom? I was wondering….would you have a dress I could wear for Hallowe’en”? Mom responded with a long speech about how if I were to do this, then I would need to make sure I didn’t use real coconuts. My lovely Deanna interpreted her response, which she couldn’t hear, as a comment my mom wasn’t that big. I know for a fact, I can fit into mom’s dresses without any trouble. I wonder how big Deanna thinks I am.

Well, the next day, Deanna decided we needed to go shopping at the Almost New to find a dress for me. While we were driving I was contemplating writing a horror novel next where all the women have to dress like men, and all the men have to dress like women. It seems like a truly horrifying place and perhaps my second novel hero, Leonard Driscoll could find his way to such a terrible land. Deanna thought it was a great idea, but I wasn’t certain. Perhaps it would be easier to have the entire crew of Leonard’s ship, participate in a plain ol’ costume party.

We got to the Almost New, and Deanna took her arm in mine and said, “We should find something in here.” The sign on the outside said, “Childrens’, Ladies’, Mens’ Wear. Appliances, Furniture, Drapery, Toys and more. The Bargains start here.” Why the sign writer felt the need to put in all those apostrophes on a sign, no one can really see, I do not know. My majour objective was to get in, get a dress, and get out before Deanna started wandering over to the furniture section.

Once inside Almost New, my lovely Deanna turned into Deanna: Super Fashion Critic. I found a nice purple dress used as a bridesmaid dress in Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding. It was a good dress, but Deanna said, “Ummm…Not colo(u)rful enough.”

Then I found a dress which bore more than a little resemblance to a kimono, but was more colourful. My lovely Deanna looked at it and said, “Nope. Not enough room, for your ‘bust.’” In case I failed to mention this, Deanna wants me to go big-chested, since no one in my family is. I said, “Oh” and this attracted the attention of a nearby shopper.

Finally I found a very colourful dress, with room for a big chest, and I approached Deanna with a look of triumph on my face knowing she was going to leap up and down with appreciation at my fine selection. She said, “Good. Now we just have to find you some heels that fit!” Needless to say I was a little disappointed at this reaction.

But after we bought the high-heeled shoes, in a colour which Deanna said matched my dress perfectly, I was finally able to get Deanna’s approval by saying, “OK. OK. I will prance up and down like a stallion showing off his new horse shoes.” For some reason this got Deanna really excited and she started shrieking, “Honey, you look fantastic!!!” The noise attracted some old lady who stared at us the whole time from around the corner in the dressing room.

The cashier had possibly the smallest head I have seen on a living human. As I was paying for the dress my lovely Deanna said, the lady who had been skulking after us came up to her and said, “Wives like you, dear, must have to be so open-minded and understanding.” Deanna said she tried to turn her head away from the crazy woman, because she had always been told not to make eye contact. I think I told her that actually, after the time I went to visit Grandpa Jim back in February. She left us alone after that.

Oh, by the way, thanks for taking care of the kids, while Deanna and I went shopping.

Michael Patterson
LOL, that nosy woman @ the store was rite, only she didn't realize x-dressing isn't the issue! BTW, U shd prolly know that Robin kept wanting 2 try on Merrie's clothes. Merrie was all, "We don't get 2 go 2 that party!" And Robin was like, "What party?"


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  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    The poor dear probably forgot what time of the year it is if she was fooled by an amateur transvestite like Mike at Halloween. Then again, she may have thought that since he wore those shoes with that dress, he was suffering from terminal lack of taste.

  • At 2:59 PM, Anonymous perdita anderson said…

    Dear April,

    I hope that you don't mind that I am posting on your "blog," but I have lost your mother's telephone number. Please give her my best wishes and tell her that I still have fond memories of our days as fellow students at the Milborough College of Arts, Technology and Tractor-Pulling.

    I do not wish to violate Duncan's privacy, but he has been having a few "issues" and I, as his legal guardian, have had to arrange for him to be treated in a secure facility just outside of Bridgetown. Unfortunately, he managed to escape last weekend with nothing but the clothes on his back, his passport and his debit card. As Duncan is over the age of 16, the police in Ontario will not assist me in apprehending him unless he poses a danger to himself or the public. I am sorry to say that he is very fixated on you, April. He feels he needs to save you from someone or something. I will not distress you with the details of his delusions, but I am absolutely certain that he will attempt to make contact with you. Please contact me immediately should you hear from him.

    Have a pleasant afternoon,
    Perdita Anderson

  • At 3:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg! duncan, r u out there reading this?!?!!?


  • At 3:39 PM, Anonymous nacnud nosredna said…

    Hey, Apes!

    Dont worry, evrythings cube w/ me. Dont listen 2 Perdita, dont 4get she tried 2 kill me when I was a kid by pushing me in2 the goat pen.

    I saw Dr & Mrs Larson @ the gate this am thru the CCTV, but Eva had the butler set the hounds on them.

    L8r. The delivery d00ds r here with my nu tv.

  • At 4:13 PM, Anonymous charles wallace larson said…

    Hi Duncan,

    How are you? I am enjoying my classes at my new school, even though I am a bit younger than my classmates.

    Would you meet me at the Reindeer Restaurant after school tomorrow and help me with my science project? I asked Bambi and she said that it's okay for us to work there as long as we leave before the bitter alcoholics come in for a few pints after work. I promise I won't talk about Sandra unless you want to, and I promise to pick up the tab and reimburse you for your transit fares.

    See you tomorrow.

    Your friend,
    Charles Wallace Larson

  • At 4:19 PM, Anonymous nacnud nosredna said…

    Hey CW,

    If u throw in sum nu fake id, its a deal.

    C u 2morrow.

    Yr mentor,
    Duncan Anderson

    p.s. Wld u pls tell yr mom & dad that Im sorry abt the hounds & Im rilly rilly impressed @ how fast they can run 4 a pair of oldies.

  • At 4:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, dunc, that is sum tv! did eva's rents buy it 4 u?


  • At 11:10 PM, Anonymous nacnud nosredna said…

    Hey, Apes!

    Oh, man, that tvs so cube! We watched all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies 2day, Eva sent the chauffeur 2 the Pacific Mall 2 buy At Worlds End so we have it if u want 2 borrow it.

    I think Ill blow off skool 2morrow. Then I can return the bass 2 Steves Music b4 I meet up with CW. Im not feeling good neway, mayb Ive got c-sickness from watching the movies.



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