April's Real Blog

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Recycling Liz lines?

So that boring schoolday I was tellin' U all abt of course ended w/a bus ride home. I sat w/Eva, who was all, "Gerald was pretty bummed when U didn't want 2 do music professionally." And I was like, "Neither does Duncan... and Luis sez he doesn't know what he wants 2 do." Eva was like, "Well, I want 2 keep singing, but it looks like our band is gonna have 2 break up, so....." And I sed, "So--let's make the best of it, Eva. We still have sum time left! We're still 2gether!" And Eva was all, "Yeah.... We're still 2gether." U'd think we were going off 2 uni 2morrow insteada in a yr and a half. But whatevs. Then I had this thot, as Eva and I both had our mascara run out the corner of each rite eye--this thot was like if sum1 who was in charge of corny lines had 4gotten that Liz had already dun this was sum months ago: "Sumtymez, when U look on the brite side.... the sun gets in yr eyez." C what I mean? Oh, and also my hair curse remembered that it had retooled my bun when I turned 16, and it went back 2 its "April @ 16" variant.

Jeremy, that was pretty krayzee @ Koolhaus yesterday. Thanx 4 helping me w/the whole toy-bunny sitch. That replacement really does look identical 2 the one that got confisc8ed. I hafta say I kinda enjoyed what happed around midnite--Becky's Dad/manager Thorvald McGuire storming in, grabbing Becky while shouting, "What did Fafa tell U abt that not-a-Viking Gerald Forsythe! Fafa is setting U up with Dustin Jimberlake!" And then he carried her out under her arm, like she was a newspaper! And Gerald just kinda whimpered. U were pretty good abt restraining yr laughter.


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  • At 8:51 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    The reason you had to endure saying Liz's verbal hand-me-down is that the Dialogue Fairy loves to recycle and thinks everyone is a woman in her late fifties. Why else would she have you talking and acting like Uni was tomorrow? SHE thinks 'No time! No Time! Gotta Break up with Gerald! NO TIME!' is the only reasonable response for your situation because that's what SHE'D do.

  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i wanna cry just thinking abt it. but no, it's not the thinking abt it, it's these onions i'm cutting. l8r, i mite b putting sum visine in my eyes. or mayB sum1 will have stomped on my foot really hard and run away.


  • At 11:30 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I remember when I was young and gay and used to bond with someone based on a similar run of mascara. Your blog entry today certainly brought back memories. Of course when I did it, I didn’t say or think anything about the sun getting in my eyes, which usually causes me to squint and not leak mascara-running single tears (which is an artform in and amongst itself). I read your Blog entry to my wife and kids and said, “Doesn’t this sound so poignant? The two girls realize that they are still together, and they can make the best of the time they have left.” My daughters were a little confused, and asked questions like if you were sick or dying, and I said, “No. You were just thinking about the time you had left until your high school graduation.”

    My wife, Beatrice, understood it completely. She said, “Howard, this is just the Patterson way of doing things. Every majour event in their lives is thought about and emoted over for months or years before it happened. I remember when I was hired at Lilliputs’ on October 1, 2004, I thought Elly Patterson was going to retire in the next month, the way she kept going on about it. Then she didn’t actually get around to retiring for another 1 ½ years. April must be falling into the same emotional trap, which is the standard for her family.” I hadn’t thought about it that way, but maybe Beatrice was right. After all, your dad talked about moving into your current house for years before he actually did. Maybe this advance thinking about your band breakup is a way you have to have to cope with the loss.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:42 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mayB u r rite, howard. even tho i try not 2 think abt things in the same way my fam does, sumtimes it's hard not 2 fall in2 the patterns that i've grown up w/.


  • At 11:50 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the stuff w/gerald & becky last nite wuz sure kinda freaky. i hadda good tyme tho. i did do a pretty good job of not laffin’ @gerald whimperin’, but i think part of it wuz wen u were kinda snugglin’ on him, wen he started cryin’. that made it rilly ez not 2 laff. i don’t know if u know thass wut u did, but u’ve been d8in’ him a long tyme, so i unnerstand. thoze old habits r hard 2 break.

    i keep 4gettin’ ur not lirpa frum the mirror world. she’s v.v. decisive. wen she wuz broke up & got back 2gethah w/dlareg (her version of gerald), it wuz black & white. h8s him 1 moment, luvs him the next. it wuz v.v. clear, altho kinda startling. neway, i felt a lot bettah about that gerald snugglin’ wen u & i were, u know… well, shoppin’.

    shoppin’ w/u 4 the bunny & lissenin’ ur comments ‘bout how the bunny hazta look just passive enuff 2b ur sis’ wuz pretty funny. i didn’t know they had a brand called punny bunny, but it sure made sense 4 ur sis. neway, if i remember rite, we’re gettin’ 2gethah 2nite 2 hang out, if ur band duzn’t get 2gethah 2 play sum musick 4 fun, but u don’t know if ur band iz gettin’ 2gethah, cuz luis duzn’t know wut he wunts 2 do, & duncan got lost in eva’s wing of her mansion & they r still lookin’ 4 him, or sumthin’ like that. i figger i will just w8 & c wut happs.

  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Gee thanks for doing the bit about the sun getting in your eyes. Lizardbreath did it. You’ve done it. Now, I get little helpful reminders from mom, “Michael, please remember you have to say something about the sun getting in your eyes, and there should be a pun about something to do with the sun.” Things are going great for me. I have been doing TV and newspaper interviews and just killing them with my natural wittiness. My book has been selling off he shelves. And now I have to find some way to work in some line about the sun in my eyes, when things could not be better for me. Maybe I can work up some tears about a copy of my book getting dented or something like that. Thanks again, April. I appreciate it ever so much.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, jeremy, u r rite, i wasn't even aware of the snuggling. i guess it was like a reflex action. and yeah, "punny bunny" was the only way 2 go 4 a liz bunny.

    mike, mayB u cd just, like, feel like u hafta sneeze, and make sum kinda joke abt looking in2 the sun 2 make yrself sneeze. that way it wdn't hafta b abt crying, eh?


  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Yeah! That could work! I know I sneeze when I look at the sun sometimes. Of course,knowing your brother, he'd get all weird and talk like he ate a Hallmark store.

  • At 1:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, he'd prolly tryta quote romeo and juliet. only he'd get the lines just a lil bit wrong.


  • At 3:47 PM, Anonymous nacnud nosredna said…

    Hey, Apes,

    I didnt make it 2 Steves Music Store 2 return the bass. Eva didnt want me 2 do it so she told my valet 2 hide my wallet & then she had the chauffeur take her sumwhere. I guess Im sorta trapped in the mansion 2day.


  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    nacnud, r u escaped from the mirror world, or r u duncan spelling his name backwards 4 a special reason u haven't told me yet? and if u r nacnud, do u know if duncan switched places w/u? or if duncan is still in barbados?

    i'm so confused!


  • At 4:07 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. If you had read my book Stone Season, you would realize that my incorrect quoting of Romeo and Juliet had been corrected by our mom’s stringent editing. As for the Amazon catfish’s suggestion I would talk like I ate a Hallmark store, let me assure you that I have seen a Hallmark store, and not are they entirely inedible, but they do not talk.

    I tried your suggestion of sneezing, but then I realized that only occasionally do I have nostrils, which are a required element of the sneezing function, and today is not one of those nostril-laden days. I will have to hold off until later. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ez way 2 tell if it’s duncan or nacnud (the mirror world version of duncan). duncan iz a jerk, who stole my gf frum me. nacnud iz a v.v. nice guy, who wud do nethin’ 4 a friend, kinda the xxact opposite of duncan.

  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no nostrils? wow, it must be hard 2 breathe!

    jeremy, in mirror world, r ymerej and nacnud friends?


  • At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. What is this “Luis sez he doesn't know what he wants 2 do”? When Duncan and I sat on the steps with Gerald I said, “We don’t plan to be professional musicians.” I know you looked a little loco at the time, so maybe you missed it, chica.

    Now that you are without an amore, it could be time for you try out a little Latin loving from Luis. I think you might be ready for me. Just give me a call.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 4:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    luis, when we were all going inside after our convo, i heard u saying "i don't know what i want 2 do." i thot u were talking abt music, but mayB i just missed what u were referring 2. sorry 'bout that.


  • At 4:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    ymerej is a jerk. nacnud is a nice guy. i think nacnud & ymerej cud b friendz, xxcept ymerej stole nacnud’s gf, ave. they kinda toler8 each othah, since ymerej duz the sound & lites 4 their band ave&have4. neway, if this guy iz nacnud & not duncan, he cud b gettin' along rilly well w/eva, cuz he rilly liked ave, & wud hang all ovah her mosta the tyme. u know, like put his arms 'round her neck wen she wuz talkin' in a group. that kinda thing.

  • At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Hey, Jeremy, don't hate on Duncan. He didn't "steal" me from you. We just gave in to fate. We tried to fite it, but it didn't work.


  • At 4:30 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. “I don't know what I want to do.” was if I was going to go back outside and pick up my trash. Then I saw you picked it up and threw it away.

    I will accept your apology…over dinner tonight. After we eat, I can show you what amor is really about.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 4:32 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    eva, rite. i getcha. not 2 worry. u & duncan or nacnud can have a good tyme 2gethah. i am ovah it. but duncan is still a jerk.

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, luis, but i've got plans w/jeremy. he's trying this new thing. he's signing up 4 the poetry slam @ cuppa java café.


  • At 3:11 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. There are some people who believe that the women of Milborough do nothing all day but try to find new ways to emasculate their men. After my lovely Deanna told me we were going to a Hallowe’en costume party where “All the women have to dress like men, and all the men have to dress like women,” I think they may be right.

    My first thought in acceding to the party’s unusual dressing plan was to call mom. After all she is the biggest woman I know and she just gets bigger every time I see her. Deanna said she wasn’t that big, but I called mom to be sure. I said, “Mom? I was wondering….would you have a dress I could wear for Hallowe’en”? Mom responded with a long speech about how if I were to do this, then I would need to make sure I didn’t use real coconuts. My lovely Deanna interpreted her response, which she couldn’t hear, as a comment my mom wasn’t that big. I know for a fact, I can fit into mom’s dresses without any trouble. I wonder how big Deanna thinks I am.

    Well, the next day, Deanna decided we needed to go shopping at the Almost New to find a dress for me. While we were driving I was contemplating writing a horror novel next where all the women have to dress like men, and all the man have to dress like women. It seems like a truly horrifying place and perhaps my second novel hero, Leonard Driscoll could find his way to such a terrible land. Deanna thought it was a great idea, but I wasn’t certain. Perhaps it would be easier to have the entire crew of Leonard’s ship, participate in a plain ol’ costume party.

    We got to the Almost New, and Deanna took her arm in mine and said, “We should find something in here.” The sign on the outside said, “Childrens’, Ladies’, Mens’ Wear. Appliances, Furniture, Drapery, Toys and more. The Bargains start here.” Why the sign writer felt the need to put in all those apostrophes on a sign, no one can really see, I do not know. My majour objective was to get in, get a dress, and get out before Deanna started wandering over to the furniture section.

    Once inside Almost New, my lovely Deanna turned into Deanna: Super Fashion Critic. I found a nice purple dress used as a bridesmaid dress in Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding. It was a good dress, but Deanna said, “Ummm…Not colo(u)rful enough.”

    Then I found a dress which bore more than a little resemblance to a kimono, but was more colourful. My lovely Deanna looked at it and said, “Nope. Not enough room, for your ‘bust.’” In case I failed to mention this, Deanna wants me to go big-chested, since no one in my family is. I said, “Oh” and this attracted the attention of a nearby shopper.

    Finally I found a very colourful dress, with room for a big chest, and I approached Deanna with a look of triumph on my face knowing she was going to leap up and down with appreciation at my fine selection. She said, “Good. Now we just have to find you some heels that fit!” Needless to say I was a little disappointed at this reaction.

    But after we bought the high-heeled shoes, in a colour which Deanna said matched my dress perfectly, I was finally able to get Deanna’s approval by saying, “OK. OK. I will prance up and down like a stallion showing off his new horse shoes.” For some reason this got Deanna really excited and she started shrieking, “Honey, you look fantastic!!!” The noise attracted some old lady who stared at us the whole time from around the corner in the dressing room.

    The cashier had possibly the smallest head I have seen on a living human. As I was paying for the dress my lovely Deanna said, the lady who had been skulking after us came up to her and said, “Wives like you, dear, must have to be so open-minded and understanding.” Deanna said she tried to turn her head away from the crazy woman, because she had always been told not to make eye contact. I think I told her that actually, after the time I went to visit Grandpa Jim back in February. She left us alone after that.

    Oh, by the way, thanks for taking care of the kids, while Deanna and I went shopping.

    Michael Patterson

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