Gramps! :(

OMG! OK, so Jeremy and I just got back from Gramps and Iris's apt. Early this morning, I'd gotten a phone call from Iris, all "April, you and Jeremy have to get here rite away!" So we totally did, and guess what? Gramps talked 2 us, like he did B4 he had aphasia.

He was like, "April, U have 2 listen closely. I can talk 2 U now, but I know it's only temporary and I don't know how long this will last. I had a premonition about yr sister's wedding day." I started 2 tell him that I've been having those, 2, but he waved his hand 2 let him continue. He went, "April. This is important. And you must not try change what I'm abt 2 tell U. On yr sister's wedding day, I'm going 2 have a heart attack." I was like, "NOOOO!" And Gramps put up his hand 2 quiet me and sed, "Yes, April. Here is how yr mother will find out. Yr father will B saying, 'It's almost time 2 go, El. Every1's ready.' And yr mother will B on the phone w/yr Uncle Phil, who will B w/us @ hospital. Elly (not 'El,' fergawshsakes) will tell him, 'Just a minute, John... It's my brother. Phil! Say that again? Where R U?!!' And Phil will say, 'I'm @ the hospital. Dad's had another heart attack. He won't B coming 2 the wedding. Iris is going 2 stay w/him. Georgia and I will B rite there--and Elly? Don't tell Elizabeth. ...He doesn't want 2 spoil her day.'"

I sed, "No! Gramps, we have 2 stop this! U R more important than the stupid wedding, and plus the whole reason Liz was doing all this rush-rush stuff was so U cd B there. MayB if we take U 2 hospital now. MayB if we throw out all that bad heart-attack food Mom has brought U this wk and refuse NE more!" Gramps shook his head vigorously. "April, no! Please listen to my wishes. The aphasia is going 2 come back and I'm going 2 go back 2 being a prisoner in my failing body. And no one even brings me my picture book NEmore!" I was like "I'll get U a new one," but he shook his head. "Stop, April! Listen, I don't know yet whether that heart attack will kill me, but if it does, that is the way it's meant 2 B. I'm already past my sell-by date, sweetheart. And frankly, that dress Liz is so anxious 4 me 2 C her gett married in looks nothing like the gown my sweet Marian wore when she was a strapping young airforce veteran!"

I just started 2 cry, so Gramps started addressing Jeremy. "Make sure she doesn't try 2 stop this young man. April has 2 pretend she doesn't know this is happening, because if her parents don't tell Liz, they surely won't tell April. She HAS TO put a smile on her face and go thru w/everything that's supposed 2 happen on that day. Everything that she's already reported on her blog, and all the stuff that will unwind afterwards, as well. The show has 2 go on!" Then there was sum more stuff I didn't even get, cuz I started 2 cry so hard I was practically dry-heaving, and Iris took me 2 the washroom 2 splash sum water on my face, and calm me down. Jeremy mite B able 2 fill in sum deets on what I missed.

When I got back from the washroom, Gramps was going, "Boxcar! No!" I was like, "Aphasia is back?" And Gramps sadly went, "Yes. Boxcar." :(

Apes

Mom TRIES, yo!

K, so I heard sum more of what went on when Mom started her few-day stay w/Gramps. It seems Gramps was using his walker and had a storm cloud over his head while Mom was folding a towel. Mom told him, "Iris is only going 2 B gone 4 a few dayz, Dad--and we're going 2 have a gd time!" Poor Gramps, do U have the impression that Mom's plan was "remind Gramps every 20 minutes that Iris is away and Mom is staying w/him 4 a few dayz"? Yeah, me, 2.

Mom went on w/"We'll go outside, we'll watch movies, we'll make sum popcorn, and...." Gramps did a big "SNORT!!" and began 2 clump away from Mom, towards his armchair. As he was sitting, Mom was like, "Look. I know how hard it is not being able 2 talk, not being able 2 do the things U used 2 do. I know..." Gramps cut her off w/a "PFFTBLTTT." Then Mom stooped down 2 slitely below eye level w/Gramps and she went, "OK. So I DON'T know how U feel.... But I TRY!!" And it seems Gramps either smiled or smirked @ her.

Jeremy thanx w/yr help last nite making sure Gramps wd B safe. U R super-smart, yrself!!!

Apes

Bridal Checklist Meeting

So, Liz called a special wedding-planning meeting yesterday. It was me, Liz, Mom, Dawn Enjo, Shawna-Marie Verano [or her new name], and Dee. I had the strange impression we were only having this meeting so that ppl who only pay attention 2 us once a week wd know that wedding planning was happening. 'Course those ppl also prolly think Liz and the Ant have been engaged since they had their stupid "checklist" d8 last summer. Oh, and Liz liked that whole "checklist" thing so much, she made us use that approach 4 our dumb meeting.

First, Dawn went over a list of stuff I had 2 say "check" abt. "Bridesmaids gifts?" "Check." "Groomsman's gifts?" "Check." No one went in2 how Jeremy and I had 2 go 2 every vendor in Mboro 2 beg them 2 don8 free gifts, of course. NEway, next, it was my turn 2 say a bunch of stuff Mom had 2 say "check" abt: "Corsages? Roses? Music? Limo? And photographer." "Check. Check. Check. Check. Check." Sum1, I'm not sure who, went "This list is dun, then?" And Mom thot-bubbled "Cheque!!!" and held up her finger like she was motioning 4 a waitress. Even tho we weren't in a restaurant. MayB she was mentally correcting Anthony, since @ the end of that "checklist" d8 I just referred back 2, he asked his waiter 4 the "check" instead of the "cheque." That's considered v. gauche in Canada.

NEway, Dawn referred 2 another list and went, "OK, we have the chair covers, table cloths, napkins and place cards." Mom sed, "The place cards we ordered R not available." Y wd that only come out then, after the order was made? Next, Shawna-Marie piped up, referring 2 a list of her own: "Lawrence will B delivering all the flowers in the morning xxcept 4 the bouquets, which will B picked up @ noon." Dee looked over her shoulder, as tho she cdn't trust Shawna-Marie 2 tell us what was really on that list.

Mom asked, "What abt the dinner?" Yeah, of course she did. Dawn replied, "We decided on the entrée, rite?" And Mom jumped back in w/"And the cake will B individually wrapped and available at either end of the head table." Huh?

Shawna-Marie checked her list again and sed, "Music will B live during the ceremony and the dinner, but we have a DJ for the..." Dawn interrupted that w/"W8! The guy we hired can't come!" Then Liz stood up and went, "They've asked us 2 move the ceremony away from the fountain. ....It's being repaired." Mom went, "What?!!"

Dee referred 2 her own list and went, "My mom can't find the fabric she wants 4 the flower girl dresses, and suggests we change the colo[u]r scheme from teal and lavendar, 2 rose and powder blue." Huh, I was surprised 2 learn that NE1 asked Mira 2 B involved, and that she agreed. NEway, as we continued 2 check over stuff, I had a feeling that Mom was thot-bubbling something about "No wonder ppl cry @ weddings.... They're so happy 2 have them over with!!" Yuh. Nice sentiment, Moms.

Jeremy, it was v. nice of U 2 do that whole camp thing as a favour 2 me. Believe me, U will B rewarded v. v. handsomely when U return! <3 <3 <3

Apes

Lifetime commitment to wine

Liz and Mom went out 2 the back deck and sat in the same spot where Mom had been sitting when she lost her patience (ha!). Liz had poorly rendered bare feet, while Mom had what looked like mutant hooves. Liz sed, "I just wanted it 2 B simple, Mom. No big deal! But it's still so...." Mom interrupted w/"I know, dear." 2 bad. I wonder how Liz would have ended that sentence. Mom went on w/"Every1 gets tense when they're planning a wedding. There R so many details--and besides, it's not just a party! It's an enormous decision. U're making a lifetime commitment 2 someone... 2 build a future and a family w/him... 2 B faithful and loving and honest and strong. This is a major turning pt in yr life!" Liz got this staring, gobsmacky look on her face, and cd've sworn she heard a southern-USA accent saying, "Darlin', quit it w/that Dixie face U Pattersons get when U have that 'looking-in-the camera' expression." Mom thot she saw a dashing man passing through the yard just then, 2.

NEway, after Mom sed that bit abt "turning pt," Liz looked @ Mom and sed, "Shd we put wine on the table? ...Or have it served?" Then Mike came out the back door (holding a milk bag he wanted 2 "borrow") and sed, "No! If U're going 2 say 'wine,' U have 2 make a pun. On 'wine' and 'whine.' How can U pass up a pun-opportunity like that?" And Liz sed, "Go away, Ugly brother! U have no idea how stressful this is 4 me! U got 2 sit back and let Mira plan yr wedding! I have 2 do everything myself! AUUUGHHHH!" And Mike ran away.

Jeremy, thanks 4 coming over last nite so we cd hold ea other up.

Apes

Liz is in a pissy mood

Liz has been @ our TTH a lot, planning her wedding. Just the other day, Liz was sitting @ a table fuming, and I asked her what she was so upset abt. She was like, "April, U just cannot understand how stressful it is 2 plan a wedding! I have 2 make all these decisions! I can't just say, 'Whatever comes is OK w/me.'" I have 2 make definite, distinct choices. It's horrible, April! Horrible! I should be allowed 2 let faith and f8 decide all this 4 me, but I'm NOT!" She burst in2 tears, so I asked her if there was NEthing I cd do 2 help. And she sed, "YES! Get out of my FACE and stay out of the way."

So I called Eva and Vicki Simone, and we went 2 the beach. When I got back, Mom was all, "April, we're working on the wedding! --I thot U were going 2 help!" And I sed, "I was helping!" Then Mom and I went 2 where Liz was hunched over that table, fuming again, and I sed, "...I was staying out of the way."

OK, if U C a pic of Emma Sue Jenkins, and sum1 tells U it's my Grandma Marian, do NOT go along with it! Grandma Marian looked like Mom, only older. Emma Sue Jenkins looks kinda like the Granny in Looney Tunes, the one who has Tweety Bird as a pet. There is a disinformation campaign, which we think originates in Corbeil, 2 get ppl 2 believe Emma Sue Jenkins = Marian Richards. NO! We must resist!

Jeremy, I think it's awful how peeps R trying 2 confuse my poor Grandpa Jim abt Grandma Marian!

Apes

Mike has a random story from the past

Sadly, we R still in reminiscing. This time, Mike has a story 4 U, which he posted l8 last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, as I caught my son trying to eat the telephone, I was reminded of a story of my past when I was just a little older than he was and I had to deal with the telephone. I said, “Son, I remember when I was just a little older than you are and I had to deal with the telephone.” In preparation for my story, his eyes took on an absent look, waiting for a reminiscence of great meaning to fill his young, small brain. This is the story I told:

I was lying on the floor, playing with Legos, as I usually did with my right hand bearing a strong resemblance to the letter Q and wearing those special pants mom made for me where she mismeasured the inseam so the crotch was about at my knee. I loved those pants. They were great whenever I wanted to play a merman. I loved the mermen. They always had naked chests and they never wore sea shells like the mermaids did.

On this occasion, I heard the sound “RRINGG!” Naturally I knew this was the phone and not the front door. I picked it up and said, “Hello?” I remember this was especially difficult, because my right arm had chosen that particular time to mutate my wrist and arm to look a little like a fried chicken leg. Little Lizzie must have thought the same thing because she headed toward me with hunger in her eyes. Let me tell you there is nothing worse than having a fried chicken leg-shaped arm, being gnawed on by a nearly toothless, younger sister. I had to deflect her assault somehow. The person on the other end of the line said, “May I speak to Elly Patterson?” I said, “No, she’s outside right now.—Wanna talk to my baby sister?” Then I handed the phone to Lizzie and the attack was deflected. Mission accomplished.

Lizzie took the phone out of my hand and with her massive, muscular, beefy arms; and said very clearly, “Glah? Da-da-da? COOKIE! Num-num!” I remember well thinking that this might be one of the most articulate moments of her life, and that has proven to be the case. However, the person on the other end of the phone didn’t think so, and he yelled out “*!!{Saturn}@*” at Lizzie. Lizzie was taken aback by the geometric shapes and took her head away from the phone receiver. I took this opportunity to take the phone back from Lizzie. She was upset when I did this and grabbed at the wire on the phone and turned red in the face. Interestingly enough, she did not start screaming until later, so I was able to speak again to the person on the other line. I had hoped to learn more geometric symbols; but the man became strangely quiet, and said he wanted to talk to mom again. I said, “Yeah? You still want wanna talk to her? OK--”

This was the tricky part. Mom had told me not to leave Lizzie alone; but the man on the phone wanted to speak to Mom. How could I get Mom and still not leave Lizzie alone? Brilliantly smart as I was, the answer soon came to me. I held the phone away from my mouth, and yelled, “MAAH” as loud as I could, in order to get her attention from the outside. As I put the phone receiver to my head to tell the man I had called for Mom, I was surprised by a few things:

1. I heard a “CLICK” sound which either meant the man hung up or he had started to speak Xhosa, that African language that uses clicking sounds to talk.
2. I suddenly realized that the phone receiver was bigger than my head.
3. I suddenly realized that the sleeves on my shirt were no longer the same length.

Mom heard my cry and came in with sweat upon her brow, and gardening gloves and a gardening trowel in her hands. I held the phone up to her with both hands in supplication and said, “It’s for you.” I was afraid of what would happen when she discovered the man on the other end of the phone had hung up. Fortunately, Mom is not nearly as accurate with a gardening trowel as she is with a coffee cup.

That was the lesson my son learned from me that day. Sure enough it worked. No longer does he try to the eat the phone. But he has developed a certain predilection for garden trowels.

Love,

Michael Patterson

I guess that was supposta B a lesson in how not 2 answer the fone, eh?

Well, l8 yesterday, the squat got raided! Zenia is convinced that "the guy w/the phallic nose and ridiculous ponytail across the street dropped the dime on us." Cd B. Weed is awfully worried abt property values. NEway, I called Jeremy from the jail and his Mom was so cube abt bailing me out. Dunc insisted on staying cuz "street cred," Eva refused 2 leave his side, and Zenia sed she had 2 stay cuz of her secret "exposé" she's writing.

So, I M back @ Jeremy's and he's trying 2 talk me outta being further involved in what Dunc's got going in TO.

Apes

Dad's Massage-Chair Ecstasy

Since my mom's been 4getting me so much l8ly, I've been staying @ Jeremy's house, tho yesterday it got so bad Jeremy's mom had 2 call mine and remind her I xxist just so I wdn't fade away in2 nothingness!

So early this morning, guess who showed up @ their front door looking 4 me? My dad! He was all, "Yr Mom told me U were here, April! Furniture Outlet is having a door buster this morning! We have 2 B there @ opening 2 get the best deals, and I really want 2 try the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat!" I sed, "Dad, Rn't those things way, way xxpensive? And U're semi-retiring. And planning a wedding. And promised not 2 touch my uni fund."

Dad was like, "Trying is free, Buddy!" Then he grabbed me by the arm and yanked me out, leaving me only able 2 wave @ Jeremy and his mom and stepdad as I got dragged 2 the 'vASSe.

We got 2 Furniture outlet B4 it opened, and Dad insisted on our plunking ourselves rite in front of the door in case there was a line. There wasn't. We had 2 w8 an hr and a half. Dad told choo-choo jokes the whole time. My head still hurts. When we finally got let in, Dad made a B-line 2 the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat, and a salesman helped him get the massage thing started. That's when the embarrassing started.

Almost rite away, Dad was making these ecstasy faces and noises. U'd think Mom had brought him a big plate of bacon greaseburgers with a side of Boston creme pies. He was all, "MMMMMMMMMMM" and "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH" and "HOOOOOOOOOOO" and "WHOAAAAAAAA" and "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH" and "OOOOHOOOOOO" and "OHHHHH" and "SNIFFFFFFFFAAAAAAA."

The salespeople were pting and laffing, and other customers who had come in were kind of cowering away. I heard one salesguy say 2 another, "U'd think this guy hadn't gotten NE since 1990!" And the other sed, "That's John Patterson. His wife is Elly Patterson." And then the 1st guy was, like, "Oh. 'Nuff sed."

So, I went over 2 Dad, all, "DAD! Do U have NE idea how much U R embarrassing me?!!" He was like, "What? Oh, M I still here?" Then the manager came along and made him leave.

Apes

What's Mom Now--Part-Time or No-Time?

More on the stupid-boring gardening convo between Mom an' Connie. They were putting away the gardening supplies when Connie asked Mom, "Do U really want 2 B a full-time parent again?" Hearing abt that made me go "BWUH?" Isn't Mom supposed 2 still B a "full-time parent" 2 ME? Normal parents don't stop thinking of themselves as "full-time parents" when their youngest is 17 (or really last yr when I turned 16), rite? I'm not tripping, rite? B-sides, did a miss a memo abt Mike, Dee, Liz, and Anthony all moving 2 Ecuador and leaving Merrie, Robin, and Francie w/Mom?

Gah. NEway, on 2 Mom's dumb response 2 Connie's dumb question. Mom dumbly sed, "No. 2 B honest, I just don't have the energy." [2 remember I xxist.] Mom went on w/"I used 2 B able 2 chase kids all day, Connie. Especially Michael. When my Mom sed she hoped I'd have a child xxactly like I was--she got her wish!" Wow. So Grandma Marian was a mean and spiteful old bird. Nice.

Then Mom continued, and decided 2 work in the current retcon abt Michael: "Michael drove me crazy. But he was smart and funny and I loved him. ...And when I look back @ it all, he made me what I am 2day." Connie prompted Mom, with "Proud? Confident?" And Mom went 4 her punchline: "Um... Tired, actually. Just tired." Connie did an ugly-faced sticky-outy tongue laff rite on cue.

Uh-oh ppl. Look @ this sitch. It's Saturday. I just finished telling U a CONNIE story ending w/Mom reminiscing abt chasing Mike and Nizzie when they were little, and how Mike made Mom all kinds of tired. What does this sound like the prep 4? Yeah, I'm thinking it, 2. Prolly a wk's worth of "ZOMG NO! FLASHBACKS!" :(

Jeremy, def movie and pizza. Wow, I can't believe Brad Luggsworth's side gig. I guess being a cop doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped, eh?

Apes

Liz clues in the Ant

I got an e-mail from Liz, and this is what she sed:

April,

I know some of your nosy readers want to know about when I talked to Anthony about having the wedding this summer. Not that it's any of their business, but I don't want anyone spreading mean lies about me.

Anthony and I took the kid to the park again, and we let her run way, way ahead of us on the path. I was thinking that maybe she'd get lost and I'd keep Anthony distracted and he'd forget and I wouldn't have to worry about being a stepmother after all. So I told him about wanting to move the wedding to this summer.

Anthony said, "I thought we might wait until next year, Liz--But sooner is fine too!" I said, "It's because of my grandfather's health." Anthony replied, "I understand! We could get married tomorrow, next week, next month..." We turned to face each other, and I put a hand on each of his elbows as he put a hand on each of my upper arms. I told him, "I don't want this wedding to be big or lavish or complicated, Anthony." Anthony is soooooo in sync with me April. He said, "Neither do I." Isn't that just AMAZING? We are soooooo meant for each other! I don't even have to THINK about it!!!

Frenchy came up to us, and we did that thing where each of us takes one of her hands and she kind of swings between us. Anthony confessed, later, that while that was happening, he was thinking, "But weddings are like Woodstock.... Sometimes, They take on a life of their own!"

Oh, and for those of your meanie readers who complain about my hair being in a bun almost all the time. During this time in the park, I had my hair down, with a beautiful, wide headband! So there!

Liz

Yeah. OK. Whatever.

OMG, I M still kinda shaking over that scary-arse xxperience Jeremy an' I had in that alternate universe we found in the crawlspace. I was, like, shellshocked when I sed that stuff abt the ppl there being friendly and helpful. Scary and depressing is more like it! Jeremy, that is NOT my destiny! Not for sure! I think this must B like A Christmas Carol. That will only come true if I let it. If I don't take measures to make sure it never, ever happens. I need strategies 2 make sure it never does. Please help me think, Jeremy! U 2, Duncan. I M sure U don't want that 2 come true, either! MayB we all hafta make sure we never go back 2 Mboro after we leave 4 uni. I mean, if we're not in Mboro, there is no1 2 think big noses on us wd B "funny," 4 xxample. We cd live in, like, Halifax, Nova Scotia and have small noses, rite! Help, guyz!

Oh, BTW. Jeremy, his mom, stepdad, step-sis, and I R all traveling 2 Syracuse, NY 2day. 4 sum reason, his step-dad's grandmother lives there, and she is having a special celebration 4 her 100th bday! I won't have my fone w/me, cuz Mom commandeered it 2 lend 2 Liz cuz she lost hers and Mom sez she needs 2 B in constant contact w/Liz during wedding-planning logistics or whatevs. Jeremy mite B able 2 post, tho, assuming he has reception in Syracuse.

Apes

Did Mom challenge Dad 2 a Duel?

Okay, so after Mom had the convo w/Liz I told U abt yesterday? She went and found Dad in his workshop. Usually when Dad's in his workshop, Mom's content 2 4get abt him 4 days, wks, or even months @ a time. But I guess the whole "Liz's wedding" thing is something she thinx is worth interrupting him 4.

So when Mom told Dad the thing that Liz sed abt a summer wedding, Dad's reaction was, "A summer wedding? THIS summer?" Mom sed, "I think so, John. My Dad is really not well. If Elizabeth wants him 2 C her married in my mom's dress..." Gah, it's NOT Grandma Marian's dress! Dad sed, "Hmmm..." Then he sed, "So, what U're saying is: Our lives R abt 2 B plunged in2 a frenzy of party plans and pandemonium!" Mom sed, 'R U OK wh/that?" Dad told her, "Sure...I don't have 2 do NEthing." Which inspired Mom 2 pick up a rubber glove from the work table and throw it 2 Dad's hed.

Wow, so she's back 2 throwing things @ Dad's hed. I thot she'd broken herself of that habit. And a glove, 2. I wonder if she was trying 2 throw it in his face, 2 challenge him 2 a duel. Did she think she was Cyrano DeBergerac? She has the nose 4 it! And speaking of habits, I thot Dad was over his habit of flaunting his unwillingness 2 help out w/NEthing that's not rel8ed 2 dentistry or choo-choos.

Jeremy, abt yr, er, stanky problem. I'll come by w/sum special soap rite after I finish posting this.

Mike, I AM NOT GOING 2 MARRY GERALD! GET THAT THRU YR THICK SKULL!!!

Apes

More flashbacks U didn't wanna know abt

Hey, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's yesterday, Dunc! I was so glad I didn't spew out NE bad not-puns, or wordwork (opposite of wordplay, gettit?). And I know U were glad U didn't say "hum" insteada "eh" or talk abt how U cd get a sports job when U grow up. LOL.

NEway, guess what I woke up 2 this morning? I wandered in2 the kitchen, just wanting a nice bowl of granola w/vanilla soymilk, and who shd I C @ the table, eating my granola, but MIKE! And Liz was @ the counter making toast. And Dad was trying 2 remember how 2 make coffee (he keeps "4getting") as Mom was frying up a mess of bacon-egg slop @ the stove.

I was all, "What's going on here?" And Mom was all, "Isn't this nice! I invited Mike and Liz 2 come over 4 a good, old-fashioned family breakfast. I've been thinking abt the old dayz a lot l8ly and I was thinking how much I miss having my kids with me! I was like, "Hello, Mom? I'm yr kid and I still live in the house, remember?" Mom got a blank look on her face 4 a second, and then she seemed 2 recover and was all, "Now don't U get all defensive and teenagery, U know that what I meant was that I miss having all my kids with me!"

Then I sed, "What abt Dee and the kids?" Mom sed, "Don't B silly, they're not my kids!" I was like, "No, I know, but I'll bet Dee wda liked being included in this lil breakfast thing." Mike sed, "Don't B silly, formerly little Sister! Dee understands when I need a morning 'off.'" I tried 2 resist rolling my eyes, but they ended up rolling on their own. U know how it is. Next I asked Mike if he left me NE granola. "Oh. Was I supposed 2?" ARGH. He's so inconsiderate. Luckily I had sum vegan waffles in the freezer. Every1 in my fam thinks that's synonymous w/"cardboard," so they R totally safe.

I popped a couple of my waffles in2 the toaster and then went over 2 Dad. "OK, Dad, U can just drop the 'helpless' act. We all know U can make coffee but just don't want 2. Gimme the filter!" So he did, looking a bit sheepish, and I made coffee.

Once we were all settled around the table, Mom sat there looking back and forth between Mike and Liz, and then sed, "I can't believe my 2 kids--er, my oldest 2 kids--R all grown up! Lizzie, U were such a cute baby! I remember this one time, U were a baby and Mike was in kindergarten...." And I sed, "OMG, NOT another story from when Mike was in kindy and Lizzie was a baby!" Mom sed, "Who sed that?" And I sed, "ME!" And she sed, "Oh, yeah. Quiet U. I've got a gr8 story 2 share! As I was saying, Lizzie was a very, very cute baby! Sumday, U and Anthony will have a cute, cute baby of yr own!" Liz blushed, and I muttered, "Unless the baby favours Anthony!" Mom glared @ me.

"NEway," Mom continued, "This one time, yr father, here, on one of his good-father days, was playing w/little Lizzie, swinging her around while saying things like, "It's a tootsie pie! How's my bunnikins! How's my cutesie!" Meanwhile, I was noticing what a horrible mess Michael's room was." Mike sed, "Only b-cuz I was creative and inquistive!" Mom muttered, "No, that's not Y." Mike looked gobsmacked, and then Mom continued: "So, yr father went on playing w/Lizzie, sitting on the chesterfield while holding her on his lap and saying, "Tabump-tabump ta babbsie boo.. She's my little girlikins!" I walked in2 this charming tableau, where Michael was leaning on one arm of the chesterfield and smiling at his father and sister. But I couldn't stand it NEmore. The sight of that messy room had caused an anger that was boiling inside me, and I scrunched up my eyes, threw my mouth open, and shrieked, 'Michael Thomas Patterson! Get downstairs and clean up yr room!!'"

Mike sed, "Oh, I remember that! That's when I sed, 'C, Elizabeth.. Sum day they'll call U by yr real name...." I recall that Dad looked gobsmacked. Mom sed, "Of course he did." I sed, "W8. 'Michael Thomas Patterson.' How come the "Q & Eh" @ Mom's website has his name listed as 'James'?" Mom sed, "Honey, U can't xxpect the bizzy ppl who maintain my website 2 take the time 2 look up things like that. I M sure that Steph, or whoever, decided that 'James' sounded like a sensible middle name 4 Michael, since that's my father's name and I'm such a Daddy's girl." Dad sed, "Or @ least U were until yr dad b-came old and infirm." Mom glared @ him and he sed, "Sorry, I only meant 2 thot-bubble that comment, not say it out loud." I sed, "Mom, shdn't we get Steph 2 fix that answer on the website? Now ppl R gonna know Mike's middle name is really Thomas." And mom sed, "Dont' bother Steph w/trivia like that. We can just agree that Mike has 2 middle names now." Mike looked a bit confused.

Liz sed, "Can we get back 2 talking abt how cute I was when I was a baby? That's my favourite, talking abt me being so very cute! I remember Dad useta really luv me when I was his cute little girl! Then April came along and ruined all that. " I was like, "Oh, God, here we go again!"

Jeremy, pls hurry back from yr chess thing in Etobicoke!

Apes

Edit: Hey, Mike, when U were here earlier this morning, I was so distracted by the whole "middle name" thing, I 4got 2 ask abt Y Mom wda told U 2 go "downstairs" 2 clean yr room, if U, Dad, and Lizzie were on the chesterfield in the living room. Did Mom an' Dad make U sleep in the rec room back then?

That wasn't what I meant

Gerald's in my science class. Wdn't it B interesting 2 know what happened in our science class? Like did we have a lab, and what type of science R we studying this yr, NEway? But no, it seems I M supposta B discussing what happed rite after our science class, when every1 but us 2 had left and we were dawdling.

Ger was all, "Do U think I'm crazy 2 want 2 tour w/Becky's band, April?" And I sed, "No. I think it's a wicked idea, actually." Sum of us @ RP Boire have decided it's funny 2 pretend we R from Boston, Massachusetts. NEway, I went on, as I picked up my notebook (4tunately avoiding the chemical spill on the counter), "I mean, she IS famous. U R gonna B onstage w/all the action, an' lites, an' screaming kids!" I finished picking up my notebook, and Ger came up 2 me and I looked up @ him and sed, "And Gerald... U really R a good drummer. U shd go 4 it. Do what yr heart tells U 2 do." And Ged sed "Thanks." Then he put his notebook sumwhere, I don't know where, put a hand on each of my shoulders, and kissed me on my mouth while actually saying "SMOOCH!!" Then he retrieved his notebook from wherevs and sed "Your suggestion!" Meanwhile I was so stunned I felt myself getting glassy-eyed, blushing, and saw six lines appear in the air, by the rite side of my face.

Sorry abt that, Jeremy, but like I sed, it was Gerald who did the "SMOOCH" on me. I didn't "suggest" it, despite what he sed. But just this morning, I overheard sumthing v. creepy. Mom on the fone. On her side, it was, "Yes, your Royal Corbeilness, I did distribute the memo 2 April's teachers, informing them that she is broken up with that Jones boy. As if! Of course it's going 2 B Gerald. We chose him 4 her when they were both eight yrs old!" Then she saw me and sed, "Got 2 go, the eagle has landed!" And hung up. I was like, "MOM! I'm w/Jeremy! Gerald and I agreed we're on different paths! We're not ending up w/ea other just cuz Mike and Liz both ended up w/their childhood sweethearts!" And Mom sed, "Your destiny happens whether you fite it or not. U can let it happen EZ, like Mike did, or U can make it difficult, like Liz!" And I sed, "U sound just like MIKE!" And Mom sed, "Yr brother is a wise man, April! Not 2 mention a published author!" And then I went 2 the washroom and got sick.

Apes

Hello, I am Aprilbot!

I am Aprilbot, a state-of-the-art, Artificial-Intelligence powered, human-looking robotic being charged with the duty of replacing April Patterson while the wise people of the Johnston Institute for Better Living re-educate her at their special weekend-camp programme.

While I am here filling in for April, I will also be following some commands embedded into my programming to help get Miss Patterson's life back on track! For example, it has come to the attention of the JIFBL that she has been dating known miscreant Jeremy Jones instead of her original childhood sweetheart Gerald Forsythe. My programming had me go to the Jones house and terminate the unauthorized relationship.

Meanwhile, April's wise, wonderful, and long-suffering older sister Elizabeth has invited me to go bridesmaid-dress shopping with her today. What fun! She has already dropped off some terrific bridal magazines with many pages tabbed for reference. Elizabeth has such great taste in bridesmaids dresses! I just can't understand why April is always fighting with this great girl!

Oh, and my programming tells you I am meant to share a story about April's parents. Just a moment as I access it.

Okay, Mrs. Patterson was looking into a hand-held mirror. How interesting, I just accessed an image of Mrs. Patterson touching her forehead with an extended middle finger. My subprogram of body language and meaningful gestures informs me that this could be a surreptitious "giving the finger," a vulgar gesture intended to instruct the viewer to copulate. My Elly Patterson database leads me to conclude this is most likely an error on her part. As she was employing this possibly unintentional vulgar gesture, she thought, "I am starting to look like my mother. The lines on my forehead are the same...."

Next thing Mrs. Patterson did is pull down at the turtleneck collar of her sweater in order to examine her neck. She thought, "My hair is going gray in the same places hers did. My neck is like hers, and so are the bags under my eyes!" She moved into profile, released her collar, and thought, "I guess I should adopt John's philosophy and accept myself the way I am!" At that moment, Mr. Patterson called out "Elly!" She went to him and found that he was staring into a mirror as well. He asked, "....Do you think I'm starting to look like my Dad?"

I will leave it to you to interpret the meaning of this story. My interpretation subprogram suggests "irony" but will not elaborate.

Aprilbot

Happy New Platitudes

Huh, so I guess we're already dun discussing my NYE. That was quick. I just got back fr. Toronto. Dunc and I ended up staying up all nite talking @ the Horny T's where we met, near Trinity College, where Zandra is letting him stay while she's w/her fam and he w8's 4 his flite back 2 Barbados tomorrow.

So, on New Year's Day, I'd managed 2 get a bit of post-party sleep and was making sum oatmeal 4 brekky, when Mike burst thru the door, all, "Happy New Life!" I'm like, "Bwuh?" Then he sed that when he and Dee were lying in bed [ew!] that morning, she'd been like, "Good morning, Michael." And he'd been all, "Good morning, Dee." He sed they wrapped their arms around each other, even though Dee's rite arm seemed disturbingly foreshortened, and Dee sed, "Happy New Year!" He replied, "Yes... It's going 2 B a happy new year." Dee actually asked him, "How do U know?" And of course he answered, "Um... I just feel it. U know.... Like sumthing feels rite, and good, and positive. I feel there's a lot 2 look 4ward 2." Dee sed, "Yeah!" Then she squeezed her hed against his and sed, "Then... MayB what we're saying is 'Happy New Life." And Mike sed, "MayB it is." Then after telling me all this, Mike sed, "April, isn't that GREAT? Isn't it so xxciting! And wonderful?" I was like, "If U say so. Do U have 2 shout?"

Mike gave me a smug look and sed, "Oh, my, does my formerly little sis have a HANGOVER?" I sed, "No, of course not. And quit yelling at me!" He sed, "Oh, this is priceless. W8 until I tell Dad, so he can torment U. He's gr8 @ that!" I sed, "I'm not hungover, I'm just tired. Leave me alone, wd U? And quit being so loud!" Then Mike sed, "Oh, I almost 4got what I came 4. Mom sez U can babysit 2nite! Dee and I need 2 celebr8 our new life!" I sed, "No, Mike, I need 48-hr notice, @ least. I have plans 2nite...." And he sed, "Yr friend Jeremy can help babysit, and do sum chores around the house, of course." I sed, "No, Mike, I'm going out w/a group of friends." He sed, "U were going 2 go out w/a group of friends. U know Mom has the ultimate rite 2 veto yr plans!" And I sed, "I can't w8 2 get outta Mboro!"

But as U know, I ended up in TO w/Duncan. Mua-ha-ha. I think they mighta gotten Francie Caine 2 babysit, or mayB Rosemary Mayes.

Hm, now I've gotta try an' remember who I'm d8ing. Ger or Jer.

Apes

Dad and Door-Deafness

So, yeah, more on the endless Mike-storying @ the Country Kitchen annex of Mayes Midtown Motors and Vomitorium (Howard, I know U think the Empire Hotel needs a vomitorium, but that's a separate issue). Mike sed Dad having just left reminded him of a "brilliant story." Liz sed, "Hey, when do I get 2 tell another one?" Mike sed, "All in good time, slightly older little sis. Watch and learn."

Three thot bubbles. Mike, holding his teddy, standing in a corridor w/awful floral wallpaper I have never, ever seen B4. 1st thot bubble had him rattling @ a door and speech-bubbling, "U havin' a bath, Dad? Whatcha doin? Can I come in? DAD! HUH?" 2nd thot bubble was Mike knocking on the door and speech-bubbling, "I KNOW youre in there! Dad... Dad? DADDY!!" Last bubble showed Mike thot-bubbling, "Howcome grownups can't hear NEthing thru that door..."

Then Mike shook his head and sed, "Weird thing. When I'm in the washroom, I can hear my children as clear as day. But my lovely Deanna? She can't hear a thing when she's in there."

I sed, "Yeah, that's all very fascinating, but can't we wrap this up?" Mike sed, "Silly girl. U know we will probably have @ least two more stories, AT LEAST." Anthony was all, "Oh, GOODY!" I gestured @ the waitress cuz I totally needed more coffee @ this pt.

Jeremy, thanx 4 sharing yr poem in the comments last nite. It was so cube! I had so much fun @ the open-mic poetry slam. This was mine:

I have LIFE! I have my FRIENDS!
I'm gonna B a VET
But all I get
2 talk abt is my BROTHER'S
pasttime FANTASIES
Of imaginary gr8ness
Tired of being punished 4 my l8ness
In this fam, I wanna burst free
an' talk abt ME
That doesn't make me a MARTIAN, DAD
It doesn't make me a PRINCESS
OMG, U'd think I were
Riding around robbin' banks
All hopped up on scooby snacks
The way these ppl treat me
But they won't defeat me
I'm gonna leave this town, this sick fantasy
Place in sum 60-yr-old woman's
Ill imagination I'll B gone
And I'll Be happy
Jeremy, catch me!

After that last line, I leapt off of the stage, and fortunately, Jeremy caught me in his arms and we didn't fall over or NEthing.

Apes

Recycling Liz lines?

So that boring schoolday I was tellin' U all abt of course ended w/a bus ride home. I sat w/Eva, who was all, "Gerald was pretty bummed when U didn't want 2 do music professionally." And I was like, "Neither does Duncan... and Luis sez he doesn't know what he wants 2 do." Eva was like, "Well, I want 2 keep singing, but it looks like our band is gonna have 2 break up, so....." And I sed, "So--let's make the best of it, Eva. We still have sum time left! We're still 2gether!" And Eva was all, "Yeah.... We're still 2gether." U'd think we were going off 2 uni 2morrow insteada in a yr and a half. But whatevs. Then I had this thot, as Eva and I both had our mascara run out the corner of each rite eye--this thot was like if sum1 who was in charge of corny lines had 4gotten that Liz had already dun this was sum months ago: "Sumtymez, when U look on the brite side.... the sun gets in yr eyez." C what I mean? Oh, and also my hair curse remembered that it had retooled my bun when I turned 16, and it went back 2 its "April @ 16" variant.

Jeremy, that was pretty krayzee @ Koolhaus yesterday. Thanx 4 helping me w/the whole toy-bunny sitch. That replacement really does look identical 2 the one that got confisc8ed. I hafta say I kinda enjoyed what happed around midnite--Becky's Dad/manager Thorvald McGuire storming in, grabbing Becky while shouting, "What did Fafa tell U abt that not-a-Viking Gerald Forsythe! Fafa is setting U up with Dustin Jimberlake!" And then he carried her out under her arm, like she was a newspaper! And Gerald just kinda whimpered. U were pretty good abt restraining yr laughter.

Apes

Well, it's less gross than Mom's cooking

Sorry abt this foax. Another car ride w/Dad 2 tell U abt. Loading up my luggage in2 the back of the 'vASSe, I told Dad, "I had an awesum time on the farm, Dad. I've got so much 2 tell everybody!" Then, once we were in the car an' hovering, I sed, "I'm like, totally at home w/the horses now. I can ride almost as well as Laura, and Uncle Danny let me drive the tractor AND the truck! We went 2 the harvest fair, an auction an' a country music festival!" And Dad asked, "What abt the veterinary clinic? Did U enjoy working there?" And I sed, "Oh, yeah! That was the best part of all! I got 2 help out w/the surgery an' I saw stuff U wd NOT imagine! Like, guts an' everything! But I'll tell U all abt that @ supper." And Dad, of course, looked mildly gobsmacked.

This whole convo was kinda odd, cuz Dad cda asked me abt this stuff when I came home this past wkend 4 Mom's b-day celebration. But he and Mom just, like, didn't talk 2 me @ all while I was home 4 the b-day surprise. It was so strange.

Honoria, C U have bought in2 this whole "Jeremy was a villain" slander. Remember when U were d8ing him and U didn't consider him a "villain"? U only b-came convinced of that when U let that Corbeil-produced mockumentary brainwash U in2 thinking it.

And U R soooooooo literal. No, Daisy did not say "La-la-la." I was using that 2 express Daisy's oblivious attitude. I didn't have a special edition, which U no doubt wda assumed was a special edition 4 not-rich ppl who R not @ hoity-toity private schools. And BTW, U reading this bk in grade 3--a book that ppl read in grad school and write doctoral dissertations abt? Does not show that U R sum kinda super genius who went 2 a superior school (B4 it b-came downgraded 2 "worst school in Ontario"). It only shows that U read it when U were 2 yung 2 understand the significance. Heck, I read War and Peace when I was in kindergarten, but I didn't get the symbolism @ all until I re-read it last yr. I M sure that when U were in grade 3, U didn't make much of this: "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy -- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made." That is soooo U.

But I've realized that trying 2 convince U of NEthing goes nowhere. THAT is how U R like Mike. Not in appearance or NEthing. Like I sed, U R v. v. literal. Well, C U @ noon. We'll talk abt clothes and not eating, and then U'll go off 2 that school of yrs and that will B that.

Apes

Rules

So, more on what happed this past Monday, when I was having lunch w/Shannon and her friends. Faith stopped having that grim look she usually has long enuf 2 say "We're going 2 the telethon, April! We're going 2 B there!" And Dylan was all, "Telethon!" And I went, "Cool!" Then Shannon was saying, "I've ... nev...er been ... 2 a tele...thon ... B...4 ... so .... I ...." But she didn't have a chance 2 finish cuz Jeremy showed up behind me, all, "U got a watch on, April? This story is gonna take a looong time!" As Jeremy walked off, laffing, I was all, "U'RE A JERK, JEREMY!!" Then I was like, "R U OK, Shannon?" And Shannon was like, "Yeah ... we ... get this ... all the ... time." And the girl with the short-ponytailed version of my old hairdo was all, "All the time." And I went, "But, it's against the rules!!" And Shannon sed, "...So ... is ... smoking." And it was only then that I noticed sum tall, skinny guy who was standing rite next 2 our table had lit a cigarette, and sum tall, skinny girl was reaching like she wanted 2 take it from him. This was the 1st time I ever noticed NE1 having the nerve 2 smoke inside the school!

BTW, there's a list of "Rules of Conduct for R. P. Boire Senior Secondary Students." It's posted in all of the hallways and classrooms, and it includes no smoking and no being mean to the special-needs kids.

Jeremy, yikes, I think yr "Converted 2 Good" cert from Corbeil is in peril! Also, Y were U outta uni on Monday?

Apes

Inevitable Pun on "Best Man"

U mite remember that Dad stopped off @ Mayes Midtown Motors recently, 2 have his car serviced. After having a convo w/Anthony, he went off 2 the restaurant. NEway, Dad sez that when he was in the restaurant having cinnamon buns and coffee, Anthony came in and joined him. Dad was all, "So, U took care of the accounting questions Julia had?" Anthony was like, "Oh, sure, it was really a simple matter after all." Then Anthony told Dad, "Julia is such a great girl, John!" Dad's face musta darkened, cuz Anthony was all, "No, w8, I know what U're thinking. I mean she's a gr8 girl b-cuz she encouraged me 2 declare myself 2 Elizabeth @ Shawna Marie's wedding!" Then Dad's face musta been all sunshine an' flowers, and Anthony told him abt how Julia was all, "As yr friend, Anthony, I've gotta tell U.... that girl U're so crazy abt still cares!" And how Anthony was like, "MayB," and Julia came back w/"What 'mayB'? Of COURSE she does! C the way she looks @ U? I think U shd make a move." Anthony told Dad abt being all, "Really?" And how while they watched the groom removing the garter from Shawna Marie's garter, w/Dawn, Liz, and Mason standing by Shawna-Marie, Julie went, "Absolutely. If U want that girl, 2day is the day 2 tell her so." Anthony was like, "But Julia, she's w/the best man!" And Julia winked @ him, all "U're better."

Dad sez that he told Anthony, "She encouraged U 2 declare yrself 2 Elizabeth and she made a pun on 'best man'? I knew I liked her! Say, give her this!" He extracted from his wallet a coupon for a free cleaning @ his dental clinic.

Jeremy, thanx again 4 getting Axel and me in2 the Fergie show @ Koolhaus. We had the most awesum time! Tho I hafta say, when Honoria asked U 2 settle once an' 4 all that rumour abt Fergie being a man in drag, I don't think that was what she had in mind!

Apes

Liz demands equal time!

Liz wrote in last nite with:

April,

I am more than a little upset that even though it is "my week," you and your stupid idiot no good friends do not want to talk about me, or Shawna-Marie's very interesting wedding, or my dress, or my basement apartment, or my attempted lesboid seduction of Candace who after all has long been known to harbor lesbotic tendencies and a salacious lesbacious love for me, if that isn't interesting, I don't know what is.

Anyway, Candace asked me if I was going to the wedding with Anthony, and I said no, he asked some other girl, and Candace helpfully pointed out that I was going alone, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to make some meaningful looks at her while I made myself sound as desperate as possible while I talked all about how great it would be to go to the wedding alone, which Candace should know is secret code for, "Please ask me out," because Candace has known me forever and knows that I will usually go to extraordinarious lengths to secure a date so I don't do the "loser" thing and show up alone.

In fact, to show my seriousness about being willing to commit to her, when I ate a whole bag of cookies over coffee, I shared the cookies with Candace, and Candace ate the cookies, and I looked at her expectantly, because surely Candace knows Pattersons well enough to know that if they are willing to give you some of their baked goods they could of eaten themselves, they must harbor a deep love for you in the very black depths of their souls, so I gazed at Candace lovingly, but all she did was gobble cookies while talking about how all you need to get married is a minister and your intended spouse, which just showed me Candace is not yet totally aware of the ways of Pattersons, because everyone knows that Pattersons think you need to have at least two weddings, one real and one fake, and two wedding dresses, one a hideous brown sweater dress and one a high-fashion creation commissioned by the Good Witch of the North herself, so I knew then I would have to try harder to seduce Candace, because she seemed quite clueless even after at least 15 years of knowing Pattersons, how disappointing.

Liz

Aw, Liz, it's only Tuesday. I'm sure we'll fit it lots of talking abt U an' Candace an' Shawna-Marie's wedding. But I heard that Candace is going 2 the wedding as Rudy as her d8. Sum ppl saw them shopping 4 a wedding gift and having sum discussion abt not want 2 get a gift they considered "boring" or "obvious" like a blender or a fondue set. And Rudy was saying sumthing abt how they shd just check Shawna-Marie's gift registries, and Candace was saying that wd take out the fun and surprise. Then they talked abt what they wd wear and whether they shd have a secret code 2 let ea other know when the reception was getting boring so they cd make their xxcuses and leave.

Jeremy, thanx 4 giving me an' Axel sum "private time" last nite. He was seriously bummed abt hockey, but I think I managed 2 cheer him up!!!

Apes