April's Real Blog

Monday, July 07, 2008

Liz is in a pissy mood

Liz has been @ our TTH a lot, planning her wedding. Just the other day, Liz was sitting @ a table fuming, and I asked her what she was so upset abt. She was like, "April, U just cannot understand how stressful it is 2 plan a wedding! I have 2 make all these decisions! I can't just say, 'Whatever comes is OK w/me.'" I have 2 make definite, distinct choices. It's horrible, April! Horrible! I should be allowed 2 let faith and f8 decide all this 4 me, but I'm NOT!" She burst in2 tears, so I asked her if there was NEthing I cd do 2 help. And she sed, "YES! Get out of my FACE and stay out of the way."

So I called Eva and Vicki Simone, and we went 2 the beach. When I got back, Mom was all, "April, we're working on the wedding! --I thot U were going 2 help!" And I sed, "I was helping!" Then Mom and I went 2 where Liz was hunched over that table, fuming again, and I sed, "...I was staying out of the way."

OK, if U C a pic of Emma Sue Jenkins, and sum1 tells U it's my Grandma Marian, do NOT go along with it! Grandma Marian looked like Mom, only older. Emma Sue Jenkins looks kinda like the Granny in Looney Tunes, the one who has Tweety Bird as a pet. There is a disinformation campaign, which we think originates in Corbeil, 2 get ppl 2 believe Emma Sue Jenkins = Marian Richards. NO! We must resist!

Jeremy, I think it's awful how peeps R trying 2 confuse my poor Grandpa Jim abt Grandma Marian!


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  • At 9:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That was Eva and Vicki? I thought that was Merrie and Frenchy. How'd they get to look more like your age, especially Frenchy?

    And your mom doesn't look like your mom in that panel where you're talking to her. Maybe she's been replaced by some poor look-alike like your grandma Marian and others have been.

  • At 10:12 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    patrickrsghost, ppl around me are always looking diff from time 2 time, so i'm kinda used 2 it. but mayB u r on2 sumthing.


  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Emma Sue Jenkins said…

    Miss Patterson, I've had a most disquieting experience. I was making my rounds, haunting the neighbourhood flowerbeds (nice job fixing them up, by the way)! When I got to your mother's garden, she came running out of the house and went, "Mommy! It's so good to see you!"

    I said, "Heaven's no, child, I'm not your 'mommy.' I'm Emma Sue Jenkins. Don't you remember me from when I crashed your brother Phil's wedding and your son Michael's wedding?"

    Your mother said, "No, you're my mother, Marian Richards. The Guidebook from Corbeil says so." When I asked her which guidebook she meant, your mother ran back inside and came out with a binder that had, printed on the outside, "Guidebook to Elizabeth Patterson's Upcoming Nuptials."

    Mrs. Patterson opened up the binder and showed me a page that had a picture of your sister Elizabeth in that gown she was trying on the other day. The top of the page said "The Dress." There was an inset with a picture of me with "Grandma Marian Richards" underneath, and a little blurb that said, "The bride will be wearing the gown her grandmother, Marian Barclay Richards, was married in."

    I said, "This is all very nice, and that's my picture. But I'm not Marian. I'm Emma Sue Jenkins. As I've told you already."

    Just then, that other ghost lady showed up, the real spirit of Marian Richards. She said, "How can you betray me like this, Elly Richards Patterson? After all I've done for you?" Elly said, "What, you're the one who died on us! I had to accept a new stepmother when Dad had one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel, all because you died! You should have outlived him! You should be taking care of him in his hour of need!"

    Ghost of Marian said, "You spoiled brat!" And Mrs. Patterson said, "Aw, Mom, you haven't called me that since 1979, when John let me have a weekend 'off' from the house and kids and I visited you by myself in Vancouver."

    Ghost of Marian said, "There! I got you to call me 'Mom.'" Now change that picture!" Mrs. Patterson hung her head sort of sheepishly and muttered something about how Marian would have to go up to Corbeil and haunt a witch. I was very confused!

    Well, I'm off to haunt the Enjos' flower beds!

    Emma Sue Jenkins

  • At 3:14 PM, Anonymous pig said…


    Okay, April. I am trying to get this straight. Your sister is getting married and she’s wearing a dress that your Grandma Marian wore at her wedding in the 1940s, only the dress she got looked like a dress from the 1990s, that your sister-in-law modified to look like a dress you could buy off the rack at a wedding dress store in 2008, and somehow your dead grandmother approves of this dress because people say it was her dress even though it doesn’t look like her dress and never did look like her dress, only it’s not your dead grandmother who approves, but this ghost of Emma Sue Jenkins, who looks nothing like your dead grandmother, and instead resembles Granny who takes care of Tweety Bird, and the reason why this is important is because your sister doesn’t want to spend any money on her wedding, and still wants her dress to be special like her sister-in-law’s dress that your mother paid for, only without anyone actually paying for the dress, so she can say her wedding was better than your brother’s wedding which was paid for by his evil mother-in-law for her own selfish purposes.

    Whoa! I think my brain exploded again.


  • At 3:50 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, yeah, eva called ur lake trip a whole lotta talkin’. she sed her bf duncan anderson iz still doin’ his “hidin’ out” thing. & of course vicki’s bf gordie duroccher spendz mosta hiz tyme in intensive care or in a coma or both, i 4get which, frum when he almost managed 2 sk8board down the side of the cn tower. & u told me it wudn’t b right 4u2 have the only bf there, so just the girlz on that trip. eva sed it wuz not az xxcitin’ az the beach trips u have had in the past. she sed it wuz a lot more talkin’ & u guyz didn’t do ne swimmin’. still, i guess more fun than b-ing ‘round u sis tryin’ 2 come up w/weddin’ planz.

    so i hear it’s rilly bizzy @the vet clinic 2day w/a lotta emergency surgeries. is it rilly true wut i heard ‘bout sum1 doin’ a drive-by shootin’ on that guy stephan pastis & all his animalz? i heard there was a zebra, a duck, a rat, a goat, a crocodile, & sum pig w/hiz brainz xxploded by sum middle-aged lady w/an uzi yellin’ “knock me off the page! i dare u! u don’t evn have a reuben. just a dinky ncs best comic strip award.” soundz like sum1 went a little nuts. so, neway, i guess ur gonna b a little l8 gettin’ off work 2day.

  • At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    Calm down. Here's one thing you need to remember: in the land of Corbeil and Milborough (or Milboring, as some may put it), neither rhyme nor reason exists. Time has no meaning there. A year is as a day. That's why sometimes people may look younger or older than they really are. One person might be used to represent someone else, and the readers won't really notice, except the educated readers. Both towns are known locations of a strange wormhole and all laws of time, space, physics, and science in general have been repealed. Severely.

    Replacing one person with another to fill the same role has been done in a lot of old TV shows. Dick Sargeant replaced Dick York in "Bewitched." Lecy Goranson was replaced by Sarah Chalke in "Roseanne" for the role of Becky, when Lecy went off to college. Lecy later returned to the show in the 8th season, but left again.

    You might need to do something about your brain exploding, or else the crocs may decide to have pork chops instead of zebra chops.

  • At 5:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, it's no joke that we had all those injured animals u described. they r all in critical condition now, but the vet is optimistic abt their prognosis.

    yeah, even cleaning out poopy cages is more fun than being around liz trying 2 come up w/wedding planz!


  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My wife, Beatrice Alfarero and I took the girls (María and Ana) over to the Country Kitchen for supper (I know what you’re thinking, but we had a coupon). Your mom and your sister came into the restaurant and this is the conversation as best I can remember it.

    Elly: Beatrice! You may be able to save the day. Have you found any persons cancelling their wedding at the last minute so Elizabeth can take over their reservations?
    Beatrice: Not since the last one I found you rejected.
    Elizabeth: Rejected? I have been having such a problem with wedding planning, I wouldn’t reject anything.
    Beatrice: It was the wedding at the Milborough College of Arts, Technology, and Tractor-Pulling
    Elizabeth: Oh! I rejected that?
    Elly: Yes you did. Now, Beatrice move over, so you can help Elizabeth work on her wedding planning.
    Me: We’re having a dinner, just with our family. See the girls?
    Elly: Well they can help too.
    Me: How can they possibly help?
    Elizabeth: April says the same thing all the time. I have a list of things. Let me see:

    6 - 12 months before the big day. Too late for that.

    1. Decide on a date. Well, we are really waiting on you for that Beatrice.
    2. Make an appointment with Clergyman / Officiant. Which should it be? Clergy or Officiant?
    María: For my marriage with Paul Mayes, I have decided clergy is best.
    Elly: You’re not marrying Paul Mayes. You’re from South America. He’s going to marry a nice Milborough girl.
    María: I was born in the United States, which although it is south of Canada, it is usually considered to be North America.
    Elly: I mean your family is from South America.
    María: My birth father was born in the United States and my mom’s family is from South America.
    Elly: Whatever. You’re not marrying Paul Mayes.
    María: People keep telling me that, but I have my pre-engagement ring and Paul has told me to my face he loves me. That’s more than I can say for some people at this table.
    Elizabeth: My love with Anthony is the type of love I don’t even have to think about. I don’t have to have him say "I love you" to my face to know it is there. If he never says it in his entire life, I will know it is the strongest love ever without thinking one thought about it.
    María: And your wedding planning is the type of planning you apparently haven’t thought about either. If wishes came true, then you would not need my help.
    Elizabeth: You’re not even old enough to think about marriage.
    Ana: What? She’s 11 and has Paul Mayes lined up. I’m 13 and the only guys left unattached in my school are villains. I’m going to be an old maid. Everyone knows that you were rejected by all your boyfriends, and the guy you are marrying is the worst one in town that no one wants.
    Elly: Don’t be silly, dear. Anthony has fine characteristics. Please consider the fact that he has been closely tied to our family all the while Elizabeth was away at school and up north. We invested in, buy our cars from and constantly connect with Gordon Mayes who owns a successful automotive complex with Anthony now as manager of the repairs and maintainance division. John and I regard Anthony highly and ultimately, this bodes well for Elizabeth's future with him. She respects her parents' opinions. She knows his family, his past, his friends and his personality. His appearance as a successful single parent also says a lot about his ability to commit to and sustain a lasting relationship.
    Elizabeth: Yeah! What she said.
    Ana: Pftt! That argument is so lame. Successful single parent is the same as successful relationship only if he marries his daughter.
    Beatrice: Ana, please! What else do you have on your list, Elizabeth?
    Elizabeth:3. Determine a budget. Well that’s easy. 0 dollars.
    Beatrice: 0 dollars? You can’t have a wedding and spend no money at all. The Licence fee when Howard and I got married was $130.
    Elizabeth: Sorry. I have a point to make with my marriage that I will not spend one loonie on it.
    Beatrice: What is that point?
    Elizabeth: Marriages shouldn’t be high-priced, impersonal affairs. I got my dress for free already, so the rest should be free too. Isn’t that right, mom?
    Elly: Absolutely. Mira Sobinski spent $50,000 dollars on that wedding disaster with Mike and Deanna. Elizabeth can have just as nice a wedding spending no money on it at all.
    Me: I thought you spent money on Deanna’s dress.
    Elly: There comes a time when money has to be spent, when an opportunity presents itself. For example, when Gordon Mayes needed money to buy a garage, we were there. And when Deanna decided she would rather go without a dress than take the one Mira Sobinski wanted, then another opportunity appeared.
    Me: So you spent money to show Mira Sobinski how she shouldn’t have spent money?
    Elly: Sometimes the only way to make a point is to show the other person how it is done. Well, that burger looks good. {Eats it.}
    Ana: Hey! That’s mine!
    Elizabeth: I just love macaroni and cheese. {Eats it.}
    María: Hey! Hands off!
    Elly: Well, it’s been fun chatting with you. See you later.
    Elizabeth: See you later.
    Beatrice: Howard, are you going to do something about what they just did?
    Me: Waitress! We need another order for a hamburger and macaroni and cheese.
    Beatrice: That’s not what I meant.
    María: Well, now I know how they are going to get that wedding for free.
    Ana: Mom, don’t get mad at them for stealing our food. They are bringing Anthony Caine in their family. That’s enough revenge for anyone.
    Beatrice: Ha ha! You’re right.

    And that was the conversation how I remember it. I thought you might want to know.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:53 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Beatrice found out that your sister had already sent out invitations to her wedding, so Beatrice's efforts to find cancelled wedding reservations she could take over was a wasted effort. Supposedly, she was waiting to see if Beatrice could get her a better location than the one she has. Beatrice is in a foul mood. If your mother is inclined to cry when people yell at her, she should probably not talk to Beatrice today.

    Howard Bunt


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