April's Real Blog

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Blogging from Beyond

Hello, April Patterson's readers. This is the Ghost of Grandma Marian, hacking into April's account. Normally, we ghosts are urged not too interfere too much in the lives of the living, but sometimes a spirit just gets fed up!

Recently, my daughter Elly and granddaughter Elizabeth went to the home of my grandson Michael and his wife Deanna, so that Liz could try on "my" dress, after Deanna's alterations. I commented here before to say that I don't know whose dress that is, but it ain't mine! My dress had a high collar, buttons up the front, mutton-chop sleeves, and no lace. It fit in perfectly with my image as a veteran of the Royal Canadian Air Force.

So, Liz put on this dress that looks like something you can pick up off the rack at any bridal store today, and she stood up on a block that Dee had placed for her. Dee was pinning the hem, and Elly was kneeling in such a way that, for a moment, I thought she'd lost her legs. Then I saw one pathetic little heel of hers peeking awkwardly behind the swath of white fabric she was holding aloft, and I knew she still had legs, only they were poorly attached.

Next thing I knew, Dee was pulling at Liz's bodice, pins in mouth, as Elly held the pin cushion and Liz had an incongruously smug expression on her face. Maybe it was the novelty of being "felt up."

Liz continued to look smug, closing her eyes and posing as if a photographer from Modern Bride were in the room, and Elly said, "You've done a wonderful job on this dress, Deanna!" And Deanna said, "Thanks, Elly!"

Liz opened her eyes as Dee tugged at the waist line and said, "It sure was hard to cut the fabric. I kept wondering what your Mom would think." And Elly said, "My mother would have loved to see her wedding dress worn again." I guess that's true. I wonder where it is?

Elly told Liz, "Turn around again, please, Elizabeth." And Liz twirled about while saying, "Like this?" Elly said, "Yes... I think she'd have been very happy. And if she was here right now.... She'd be helping you to try it on." I was about to say, "No, Elly, it's 'if she were here right now,'" when suddenly I saw another ghost, a plump, cheerful, stereotypical 'grandma' type, holding a ghostly veil aloft, as if she were about to place it on top of my granddaughter's head.

Naturally, I had to intervene. I tackled her and said, "Who the heck are you?" She said, "Why, I'm Emma Sue Jenkins! I used to live just down the street, when I was alive that is. I love weddings! I used to crash every single wedding in Milborough, and no one ever stopped me, because I was a sweet old lady and they figured I knew someone. I think this veil would look lovely on your granddaughter." I said, "Don't be stupid. You can't put a ghost-veil on a living bride! Didn't you read the manual?" Emma Sue got up, dusted herself off with her ghost-veil, and said, "Hmph! I'll find another wedding to get involved with!" And she passed through the door.

Later, as Elly bathed in the claw-footed tub that's in the basement of their new house (the space that's supposed to be April's), I stood to one side and judged her. What kind of a mother is she, spreading lies that April's been picking flowers from the neighbourhood gardens, just so she can simultaneously get April out of the house (to use the tub) and also cover for that no-good son of hers, whom she never taught you should never steal flowers from people's gardens? I'm going to judge her some more after I wrap up this entry for you all.

Cordially yours,

Ghost of Grandma Marian

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  • At 8:37 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i think that wuz the weirdest night i have evah had. 1st i wuz givin’ u ur bath u deserved frum all the garden flowers we replaced & then this ghost appears & she sez 2 me, “missed a spot.” & i like scream. & she sez, “oh 4 heaven’s sake. i’m not a scary ghost. i am a kindly, grandmotherly ghost.” & i say, “ur still a ghost. who ru?” she sed, “emma sue jenkins & i just luv bubble-baths.” then this othah ghost old lady shows up & u say, “gramma marian!” & she sez, “april patterson. wut r doing? is this man ur lawfully-wedded husband? he’s obviously not a profession bather. he missed a spot.” & i sed, “ok. ok. where did i miss?” & both the ghosts point. so while i am washing that spot, u say, “gramma marian. ru here 4 the wedding?” she sed, “well i hadn’t planned 2b, but living peeps kept talkin’ ‘bout me so much & how i hadda approve of this weddin’, i kinda hadda come. you! bathing boy! there’s still dirt there!” & the othah ghost sed, “& wash her more gently. she iz a delicate girl aftah all.” & ur gramma ghost sed, “emma sue. thass my granddaughter. i’ll give the bathin’ instructions. you. bathing boy. be careful w/my granddaughter or i’ll haunt u.” i sed, “ok.”

    then u sed, “gramma marian. how long ru gonna b around?” & she sed, “az long az peeps keep talkin’ ‘bout me. i can tell there r lotsa thingz goin’ on that need my ghostly commentin’. you. bathing boy. that’s clean enuff.” then u sed, “thass not a bathing boy. thass my bf, jeremy.” then the emma sue ghost sed, “oh. young luv. i remember when my husband usedta give me baths. jeremy, u shud definitely try washing that spot.” & she pointed 2 a spot on ur bod & gramma marian ghost sed, “rilly. i wud’ve sed this spot wuz a better spot.” & she pointed 2 a diff spot. then the emma sue ghost sed, “oh thass a good spot 2.” & i sed, “this is freakin’ me out. i’m not gonna wash april in those 2 spots w/ghosts lookin’ @me.” then u sed, “y not? they’re just ghosts. do it 4 me, jeremy.”

    that began wut seemed like the longest washin’ job evah; but i gotta say i learned a lotta good stuff ‘bout giving baths & i also learned there’s sum soundz u can make wen certain parts of ur bod r washed i nevah heard a girl make b4. u were v.v. clean & v.v. limp by the tyme the ghosts were done givin’ instructions. gramma marian sed, “oh, thass just how jim usedta wash me aftah wwii. @least sum1s doin’ thingz like they did in the old dayz.”

    neway, that wuz a weird nite. & wen i woke up, ur gramma marian sed, “if u make her breakfast in bed, she will luv u 4evah.” & emma sue sed, “& don’t 4get the jam 4 her toast. i alwayz like jam w/my toast.” gramma marian sed, “i preferred marmalade.” neway, thass y u have both jam & marmalade.

  • At 8:52 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Remember how my wife, the lovely Deanna, had to wait until our son was asleep to cut his hair. Oddly enough, she had to do the same thing to Elizabeth for fitting her dress. She said that after she marked all the hems for hemming, after her most recent session, she realized that Elizabeth had been bending and twirling the whole time. So, all the hems were messed up. She tried to get Elizabeth to stand still for a second fitting, and it was the same thing. She closed her eyes and started doing all her faux-ballet moves she has planned for her wedding. Deanna then told her to lie down and think about her wedding night, and as you might expect, Elizabeth made her body as stiff and straight as a board, and Deanna got much better hem measurements.

    By the way, the official word is that any ghosts appearing when we talk about Grandma Marian should be assumed to be Grandma Marian, even if they look nothing like her. I don’t quite understand it, but that’s the official word on the matter. Also, if Grandpa Will and Gramma Carrie show up and look like random old people we have never met before, we are to assume that they are really Grandpa Will and Gramma Carrie. That’s the official word. I have the strange feeling this is going to be the strangest wedding ever. I think I might need nametags to help me recognize all the relatives who don’t look like the relatives I would recognize.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:56 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, that brekky in bed was awesum. and i can't even tell u how well i slept last nite. u r the best bf ever!!! <3 <3 <3

    mike, those r awfully weird "official words." we have a perfectly good ghost of grandma marian and perfectly good grandma carrie and grandpa will. i don't understand y we need 2 trade up (or down or sideways).


  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous Ghost of Emma Sue Jenkins said…

    I found a lovely wedding to get involved with. Eliza Peterson is marrying that nice Andrew Walkingstick who works at Dave's Downtown Dealership as General Manager. I can't wait to see how she looks with my veil!

    Ghost of Emma Sue Jenkins

  • At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Ghost of Grandma Marian said…

    You idiot, I told you, you can't put a ghost veil on a living bride. I swear April, at least 85% of the spirits I meet in the afterlife are stone-cold stupid!

    Ghost of Grandma Marian

  • At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Ghost of Emma Sue Jenkins said…

    My, my, Miss Patterson, your Gram sure is a prickly type!

    Ghost of Emma Sue Jenkins

  • At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Ghost of Grandma Marian said…

    Dont' call me "Gram"! It's "Grandma Marian"!

    Ghost of Grandma Marian

  • At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Ghost of Emma Sue Jenkins said…


    Ghost of Emma Sue Jenkins

  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, of course mom knows emma sue jenkins frum wen emma sue usedta teach sunday school 2 mom wen she wuz little. u wud think havin’ a ghost about wud be a little more frightening 2 peeps. now my step-sis wuz more fun. she screamed & locked herself in her room (or i shud say, my room, since she is only sleepin’ there till she goez back 2 trinity). but there iz this yack-yack-yack ‘bout all the stories of stuff goin’ on since emma sue died.

    ‘course there’s no use in me complainin’. aftah u told ur gramma marian that whole story ‘bout ur sis & mtigwaki & how her personality completely changed frum independent adventurous woman 2 the woman…well the woman ur gramma marian saw @her dress fittin’ w/ur mom & ur sil. ur gramma wunted 2 know y ur sis seemed so outa it & wuz twirlin’ ‘round w/her eyez closed & not sayin’ nethin’. thot she had been usin’ laudanum, wutevah that is. i don’t think i have evah seen a ghost get rilly depressed b4, but she looks depressed. i guess wen u think ‘bout it, it iz kinda sad wut happed 2 ur sis.

    ok, finally emma sue jenkins stopped. mom told her ‘bout eliza peterson & andrew walkingstick gettin’ married. now ur grandma & emma sue r fightin’ ovah sumthin’. now emma sue haz gone. omg. ur gramma wunts 2 what?

    no, april. thass a rilly bad idea. goin’ w/ur gramma’s ghost 2 visit ur grandpa jim & iris. if i go, she’ll tell me wut? how 2 do wut? omg. april. i am not doin’ that 2u while ur gramma’s ghost iz watchin’. i don’t care if it’s the secret 2 a barclay girl’s heart. no. no. i am not. definitely no. absolutely no way. it is not happenin’…hum…i…well, ok then. let’s go visit ur grandpa.

  • At 6:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    after a bunch more discussion, jeremy, my grandma marian's ghost, and i headed out 2 gramps and iris's place. i just parked the car and we r abt 2 go inside. this shd b.... man, i don't even know what 2 say.


  • At 9:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, well that wuz strange. we get 2 ur grandpa jim & iris’ place w/ur grandma marian’s ghost hangin’ w/us. i thot we wud get sum kinda reaction frum iris, but she wuz like. “oh, marian. i thot u might show up sooner or l8er. az much of a big deal az elly & elizabeth & deanna have been makin’ ‘bout that dress of urs, it wuz just a mattah of tyme.” then she let us in & there wuz grandpa jim sittin’ in his chair. iris went ovah 2 jim & sed, “jim. wake up. it’s april & jeremy. come 2 visit.” & ur grandpa jim woke up & kinda looked ‘round. iris sed, “he’z a bit confuzed cuz he is just wakin’ up frum hiz nap.” then gramma marian’s ghost went ovah 2 jim & sed, “jim. do u remembah me?” & ur grandpa jim looked startled. iris sed, “of course he recognizes u.” how cud he not recognize u? az april can tell u, i put a picture of u by the bed so he can look @u & remembah.” then marian sed, “thass a little whacked, iris.” iris sed, “well, u had the chance 2 live w/jim in his good years. i have 2 live w/jim aftah he had 2 strokes. his memory iz not wut it wuz & needz all the help it can get.” & gramma marian sed, “sorry ‘bout that. i planned 2 live longah than jim, but my heart wuzn’t v. good & it failed me back in 1998.” iris sed, “i thot u died in 1999 frum cancer.” april sed, “no. thass just mom’s website. she likes 2 change history on it.” ur gramma marian sed, “well, that’s weird.”

    then the ghost of emma sue jenkins popped in & sed, “well. peeps these days. eliza peterson caught andrew walkingstick in flagrante delicto w/hiz quebecoise ex-wife & the weddin’ wuz off. i didn’t evn get 2 use my veil. say…i think i have seen u b4. jim richards. u sly fox. how ru?” iris sed, “who ru?” the ghost of emma sue jenkins sed, “i’m the ghost of emma sue jenkins, altho a lot of peeps think i am the spirit & image of marian here.” ur grandpa jim looked startled. iris sed, “jim’s confused. he can’t tell which 1 of u r marian.” u sed, “it’s the 1 w/the turnip nose who is not wearin’ an apron.” gramma marian sed, “thanx, april. ur description cud b a little kinder.” i sed to emma sue’s ghost, “yru wearin’ an apron?” the ghost of emma sue jenkins sed, “it’s wut i wuz wearin’ wen i wuz murdered, so it has sentimental value, eh? c the blood stainz.”

    then iris sed, “emma sue jenkins. i remembah u now. u usedta live here in the mboro seniors’ living palace, same az me & jim.” emma sue sed, “oh rite. ur jim’s battleaxe 2nd wife, iris. the 1 who made him eat dog food, cuz u wudn’t let him have a cookie.” iris sed, “how do u know that story? xxactly how did u know jim?” emma sue sed, “well, it’s been nice visitin’ u. cu l8er.” & then she disappeared. then iris sed 2 jim, “how did u know that woman?” & ur grandpa jim looked rilly nervous. i sed, “lemme guess. he iz confused cuz there is only 1 marian now.” iris sed, “ooh this aphasia. i usedta b able 2 get a confession outa jim by holdin’ cookies hostage.” u sed, “well, y don’t u use hiz communication book?” iris sed, “oh, we lost that practically the 1st week we had it. i don’t need it neway. i can tell just wut jim is thinkin’ & he iz thinkin’ he just got caught w/emma sue jenkins.” i sed, “it looks like 2 me, he needs 2 go 2 the washroom.” iris sed, “or it cud b he needs 2 go 2 the washroom. wud u help me, jeremy? jim won’t weigh much w/a big strong boy like u.”

    then i did a numbah of thingz 2 help ur grandpa jim & i hadda think, “i luv april” ovah & ovah again all the way thru it. thingz were goin’ gr8 ‘till ur gramma marian’s ghost started shriekin’ “this is not a picture of me & jim.” i found her in ur grandpa jim’s bedroom lookin’ @the pic beside the bed. u were there 2 & u sed, “thass rite. wut’s goin’ on, iris?” & iris wuz like, “well, i hadda uze this picture instead. that’s wut i wuz told 2 do.” i sed, “so who’s this a picture of?” no1 seemed 2 know.

    then the ghost of emma sue jenkins popped in again & sed, “did i leave a veil here? i found anothah weddin’ i can uze it on. oh. thass a good pic of me. 1 of my favrites.” & iris sed, “this is a pic of u & not marian?” marian sed, “wut iz goin’ on here? sum1 iz tryin’ erase the memory of me in my v. own family.” grandpa jim sed, “boxcar!” iris sed, “jim is upset there are 2 marians in the apartment again. u sed, “grandpa jim. this is emma sue. she duzn’t look nethin’ like gramma marian. gramma marian looks like an oldah version of mom, remembah?” grandpa jim started 2 get more distressed-lookin’. iris sed, “jim is gettin’ upset frum all the marians.” i sed, “i think he needs 2 go 2 the washroom again.” iris sed, “or he needs 2 go 2 the washroom again. wud u help me, jeremy? it’s so nice 2 have a strong man visit the apartment. john & michael nevah come by.” again, i wuz thinkin’ “i luv april” a lot.

    by the tyme i got done, the ghosts were gone & u were givin’ iris a hug. u sed, “tyme 2 go jeremy.” & i sed, “wut happed?” & u sed, “oh iris & talked ‘bout this whole thing w/sum1 tryin’ 2 get rid of my gramma marian. we have our list of suspects.” i sed, “u know it’s gonna b sumthin’ st00pid, like ur mom accidentally throwin’ out the pics of ur gramma marian, & tryin’ 2 cover her mistake.” u sed, “no, jeremy. i think there’s a witch involved. a v.v. lazy witch. & sumhow we hafta convince her 2 get ur lazy butt off of the chesterfield & look 4 a pic of my gramma marian.” & i sed, “& how ru gonna do that?” u sed, “i dunno 4 sure. it may be 2 l8. but i am gonna devote my real blog every day i talk ‘bout this weddin’ 2 remindin’ peeps of the truth.” i sed, “ok. i guess thass sumthin’.”


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