Blogging from Beyond

Hello, April Patterson's readers. This is the Ghost of Grandma Marian, hacking into April's account. Normally, we ghosts are urged not too interfere too much in the lives of the living, but sometimes a spirit just gets fed up!

Recently, my daughter Elly and granddaughter Elizabeth went to the home of my grandson Michael and his wife Deanna, so that Liz could try on "my" dress, after Deanna's alterations. I commented here before to say that I don't know whose dress that is, but it ain't mine! My dress had a high collar, buttons up the front, mutton-chop sleeves, and no lace. It fit in perfectly with my image as a veteran of the Royal Canadian Air Force.

So, Liz put on this dress that looks like something you can pick up off the rack at any bridal store today, and she stood up on a block that Dee had placed for her. Dee was pinning the hem, and Elly was kneeling in such a way that, for a moment, I thought she'd lost her legs. Then I saw one pathetic little heel of hers peeking awkwardly behind the swath of white fabric she was holding aloft, and I knew she still had legs, only they were poorly attached.

Next thing I knew, Dee was pulling at Liz's bodice, pins in mouth, as Elly held the pin cushion and Liz had an incongruously smug expression on her face. Maybe it was the novelty of being "felt up."

Liz continued to look smug, closing her eyes and posing as if a photographer from Modern Bride were in the room, and Elly said, "You've done a wonderful job on this dress, Deanna!" And Deanna said, "Thanks, Elly!"

Liz opened her eyes as Dee tugged at the waist line and said, "It sure was hard to cut the fabric. I kept wondering what your Mom would think." And Elly said, "My mother would have loved to see her wedding dress worn again." I guess that's true. I wonder where it is?

Elly told Liz, "Turn around again, please, Elizabeth." And Liz twirled about while saying, "Like this?" Elly said, "Yes... I think she'd have been very happy. And if she was here right now.... She'd be helping you to try it on." I was about to say, "No, Elly, it's 'if she were here right now,'" when suddenly I saw another ghost, a plump, cheerful, stereotypical 'grandma' type, holding a ghostly veil aloft, as if she were about to place it on top of my granddaughter's head.

Naturally, I had to intervene. I tackled her and said, "Who the heck are you?" She said, "Why, I'm Emma Sue Jenkins! I used to live just down the street, when I was alive that is. I love weddings! I used to crash every single wedding in Milborough, and no one ever stopped me, because I was a sweet old lady and they figured I knew someone. I think this veil would look lovely on your granddaughter." I said, "Don't be stupid. You can't put a ghost-veil on a living bride! Didn't you read the manual?" Emma Sue got up, dusted herself off with her ghost-veil, and said, "Hmph! I'll find another wedding to get involved with!" And she passed through the door.

Later, as Elly bathed in the claw-footed tub that's in the basement of their new house (the space that's supposed to be April's), I stood to one side and judged her. What kind of a mother is she, spreading lies that April's been picking flowers from the neighbourhood gardens, just so she can simultaneously get April out of the house (to use the tub) and also cover for that no-good son of hers, whom she never taught you should never steal flowers from people's gardens? I'm going to judge her some more after I wrap up this entry for you all.

Cordially yours,

Ghost of Grandma Marian

More jumping around in the boring past

OK, this time go 2 this group of pics and look @ the ones on the bottom of the page (3rd sequence). Where Dad yells @ Mom that she can't take all day, and then tells Mr. Shadbolt that the yelling is OK cuz he's only yelling @ his wife. Connie and Mom were jumping all over the place w/their reminiscing, eh?

Bleah.

Thanx 4 the luv, Anon. :)

Apes

They jumped around in their boring reminiscing

My second link from yesterday's post? Go 2 the 1st group of pics on that page. Seems Mom an' Connie discussed those old events out of order.

Apes

Let's get this over with

Yeah, so Mom and Connie did launch in2 boring reminiscing abt Mom helping out Dad back in 1980. 2 save U sum time, I decided 2 dig in2 Mom's annotated foto albums, and I found the one marked "Dental pictures, 1980." You can see 'em here and here. 4 sum reason, Mom and Connie jumped rite ahead 2 talking abt the 2nd group of pics in that 2nd sequence I linked. I dunno if that means they wrapped up w/the story abt Mom and Dad heading home afterwards, w/Dad asking Mom what's 4 supper, or if they skipped around. In NE event, the 2 links I gave U oughta cover the whole flashback. I'll post again when we're all dun w/that, cuz really I M sick of this flashback shizz.

Muzition, in answer 2 yr question, I dunno if my Dad will ever fully retire.

Apes

I try a Patterson over-the-shoulder parting shot

I was walking w/Ger in2 the school recently, and we were complaining abt our homework load, as kids our age do. I channeled Keanu and Everett yet again w/a "Whoa!" And then sed, "If we're going crazy w/work now, what's it gonna B like when we get in2 university?!!" Um.... I'm not sure." Then he did that thing ppl always seem 2 do around here. He was perfectly quiet 4 the amt of time it took 4 us 2 get from the walkway in front of the school 2 the stairs, up the stairs, and in2 the school, B4 he continued w/"I don't think I'm gonna go." It's a gd thing that I hadn't 4gotten we were talking abt university. I was like, "U're kidding!"

He silently went 2 his locker, opened it, took his backpack off of his shoulder, and then sed, "Becky's asked me 2 tour w/her band this summer. It's an opportunity I don't wanna miss!" I went, "But... yr marks R so gd!" Ger sed, "It's not all abt school, April. It's abt following yr dreams--an' I'm gonna follow my dreams! ...An U?" 4 sum reason, the way he posed his question 2 me gave me the irresistible urge 2 do one of those Patterson over-the-shoulder parting shots that Patterson women R genetically predisposed 2. As Gerald literally shrank from being quite a bit taller than me 2 being like my height, I closed my eyes smugly while walking away, and over my shoulder, I spat, "I don't want 2 follow, Gerald... I want 2 LEAD!"

Then, since I wasn't looking where I was going, I bumped rite in2 Mrs. DeLong, who teaches Canadian history, and since she's a whole lot heftier and sturdier than I M, I fell flat on my back. When I came 2 in the nurse's office, I realized that I'd 4gotten 2 ask Ger Y touring w/Becky over the summer wd prevent him from going 2 university when we gradu8. Next year. As in, we finish grade 12 in June of 2009 and begin uni in the fall of 2009. Is sum1 trying 2 retcon us in2 being grade 12-ers now?

Apes

Celebrations

K, so guess what happened yesterday? Mom was going thru sum old calendars and she suddenly was all, "Oh, Crud! We 4got all abt my dad's birthday!" I'm like, "What's this 'we'? Jeremy and I went 4 a visit on his b-day and he was so happy 2 C us!" Mom was like, "Well, John, we have to go 2nite!" Dad was all, "Aw, can't U go by yrself? I'm supposta have a train d8 2nite!" Mom sed, "No! I'm making Dad a roast beef and ordering a cake from the bakery, and U're coming w/me!"

Dad asked if they were getting a special "belated" birthday cake, and Mom kind of snorted B4 saying, "Heck, no! We'll just pretend 2day's his birthday. He won't know the difference!" I started 2 argue that he wd, but Mom hushed me.

So, according 2 Mom and Dad, they drove over 2 Gramps an' Iris's bldg, as Mom's casserole dish containing the roast beef emitted its stench aroma. Visibly. The smell trail made a big line stretching from the car all the way 2 the bldg, and when Mom and Dad went in2 the apt, Mom and Iris air-kissed while Mom was like, "Hello, Iris!" And Iris was all, "Welcome, welcome!"

Gramps was sleeping in his favourite chair, and Iris woke him by saying, "Jim! Elly and John R here. They've brot us a lovely roast beef dinner." As far as I know, Iris had not looked inside the dish and was going on Mom's propaganda about the "lovely."

As Mom lifted the lid 2 let the smell have completely free reign from the dish, Iris did her "narrating" thing and told Mom, "This is wonderful, dear. Yr dad is so pleased 2 C U!" Then, during a silent interval, Iris got the table set and every1 seated @ the table. Gramps sat @ the head of the table, Dad @ the foot, and Mom in the middle of one side. Iris served the food, and then went over 2 Gramps and sed, "Let me cut that 4 U, Jim." She sat @ the corner of the table near his left hand, and was all, "Here. Use yr special fork."

After the dinner was over, Mom was helping Iris clear the table and asked Iris, "Does Dad know what the occasion is?" Poor Iris, always being expected 2 B Gramps's interpreter. Iris told her, "I'm not sure, dear." Then she went over 2 the cake box, which was on the kitchen counter, and lifted the box while saying, "But that's OK. All that matters is that he's still here w/us." Then, in another silent interval, Iris put the cake on a big serving tray, stuck a single candle in it, lit the candle, carried it over 2 Gramps (who was in his favourite chair again) and sed, "Which makes EVERY day a celebration." Gramps smiled, cuz, CAKE.

L8r, Iris called me and sed, "April, dear, yr mother was concerned abt whether Gramps knew what occasion we were celebrating. I came up w/a homily abt how every day is a celebration since Jim is still here w/us. But really, of course he didn't know what the occasion is. It was eight days after his birthday. Jim may be old and aphasic, but he knows when his goshdarned birthday is! My goodness, this all just makes me even more thankful that U and Jeremy came by on his real birthday. He had no trouble knowing why U were there!"

So there U have it. Mom and Dad celebrated Gramps's birthday. Eight days l8. Woot.

Apes

I agree with Mike--Check forecasts for Hades Freezing Over

Mike has sum more 2 share abt when he, Dee, and Liz went 2 C Gramps while Liz was wearing the Magical Mystery Wedding Dress:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story of my important part in helping Elizabeth secure the permission of Grandpa Jim to let her wear Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress. Deanna and I stood in the corner. Then we turned into silhouettes. Then we went into the kitchen to see if there was something to eat. Fortunately, Iris always has a little something lying about. Deanna and I had at it.

In the meantime, Elizabeth decided to launch into a series of “Yes and No” questions, and she was fortunate that Grandpa Jim was in his “Yes” mood. Who knows if he actually meant “Yes”, but at least he didn’t start saying “Boxcar” or swearing like he usually does when I visit.

What did Liz ask him? Let me see. I believe it was, “You do remember this dress, don’t you, Grandpa?” He responded with “Aaahhh…yesss, yes.”

Then Liz said, “Anthony and I have decided to get married.—Would it be OK with you if I wore Grandma Marian’s dress?” He responded with, “Ohh…yesss!”

Then Liz said, “Thank you.” and she leapt to the ground at Grandpa Jim’s feet and grabbed his arms so vigorously, I thought she was going to pull him out of his wheelchair. I think Iris did too, and she started to pull Liz off Grandpa Jim while she was saying, “Elizabeth, it will make him so happy to see you walk down the aisle in that dress!” Clever woman, trying to make sure she and and Grandpa Jim get invitations to the wedding.

Then she grabbed Grandpa Jim’s arm and said, “You will be happy…won’t you Jim.” This is just to remind everyone that Grandpa Jim has been doing the depression thing ever since he had a stroke. So, Iris was trying to extract a promise for him to be in a good mood at the wedding, and not his usual, swearing, cranky cuss.

Then, as I predicted, Grandpa Jim thought “We were so happy” and managed to generate a thought bubble with him and Grandma Marian in it from their wedding day. I decided to take a look at it; because I was looking forward to being overwhelmed with a sense of romance and grandparently nostalgia. I thought I might even shed a tear, just like those people who drink coffee with mom.

I turned to my lovely wife Deanna and said, “Who the heck is that woman? And why doesn’t her dress look like the one Elizabeth is wearing? The flow of the skirt is wrong. The material around her chest is different. Grandma Marian wore glasses. They didn’t have contact lenses back in 1946. What is that weird stuff coming out of the back of her head? Oh my god, Deanna. Grandpa Jim was married to some other woman than Grandma Marian?”

Deanna said, “Don’t be an idiot, Mike. That’s Grandma Marian.” I said to Deanna, “It most certainly is not. Grandma Marian in her wedding dress looks like this. Why has no one told me that Grandpa Jim was married 3 times?”

Deanna said, “Shut up, Mike! That’s Marian.” I said, “Deanna. I’ve gone along with this charade long enough. That’s not Grandma Marian. Grandpa Jim can’t even thought balloon the same dress right in front of him that Liz is wearing. He’s thinking of some other woman and some other wedding.” Deanna said, “Oh, Mike. Somewhere out there is someone looking at this thought balloon and weeping for the memory of their grandparents on their wedding day. Doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?”

I said, “Only if they are complete, brainless idiots.” Sorry, April, but the idea that Grandpa Jim would thought balloon a different woman than Grandma Marian has set me on edge. It’s one thing for him to ignore Iris, but to ignore Grandma Marian is beyond the pale.

Love,
Michael Patterson

OMG, U guyz! I agree w/Mike abt sumthing! Yeah, that is totally NOT Grandma Marian's dress, and I M totally wondering if sum1 has implanted sum false memoriez in Gramps's brain. And notice when he was asked if he remembered that dress he sed, "yes," but no1 confirmed that he remembered it as Grandma M's dress! What else cd he B remembering it from, eh?

This is all v. disturbing.

Apes

Marian's Magical Dress

So, Liz included Mike and Dee in her "I'm engaged" telling tour a lil while back, and here's what he has 2 say abt that:

April,

Formerly little sis. Liz might write you about the next part of her story. But since it involves me, I thought I would write it up; so it’s not all about her. After she came to visit mom and then came to visit you in your bedroom to show you her ring and cast aspersions on your matrimonial plans, the next logical step would have been for her to have a conversation with dad. However, she decided to visit Deanna and me instead. This was on a completely different day from the day she visited mom and visited you and we had been forewarned she might come to see us to show off her ring eventually. Mom specifically told me to make a fuss over her ring, because no one had done that yet. Mom was quite right that this ring is pretty much the exact opposite of the type of ring that Anthony’s ex-wife Thérèse was sporting during their marriage. Nevertheless, I put on a game face and as I held my sister’s hand said, “Whooo! Nice ring, sis!” That’s sounds somewhat complimentary doesn’t it? Deanna didn’t think so. After Liz left she was all over me for being so sarcastic in my ring-complimenting.

Anyway, Deanna said that thanks to my lame complimenting, she had to distract Elizabeth before she would realize what I had done and started to get upset. If you remember back from late February, when my wife was crawling through the crawl space in our house and found Grandma Marian’s wedding dress, Deanna took it to the cleaners and had it placed in one of those boxes with the window on top. She pulled it out to show Liz and she said, “This is your Grandma Marian’s wedding dress. I found it in the crawl space and I had it cleaned.” Liz didn’t say anything like what I would have expected like, “Why didn’t you give this dress to mom?” or “What was this dress doing in the crawl space in the first place?” or “Cheeze, how could this dress possibly have lasted over 60 years?” Instead she reached out and touched the window on the box and patted it. She did this enough times, where Deanna had to say, “It’s a window covered in plastic, and that’s why your hand isn’t going through.”

Then Deanna handed the dress over to Liz, who took it out of the box. Deanna said, “Try it on!” Liz said, “Should I?” And you know, April, this habit of asking permission at every step of the way, Liz has picked up from Anthony Caine is pretty annoying. So, I said, “Sure!!” in order to convince her to do it and move things along.

With Deanna’s help, Elizabeth did try on the dress, right there in the kitchen. Deanna was bent down touching Liz’s leg through the bottom fluffy part of the dress, muttering things like, “With these fat legs and huge butt, it’s a good thing this part of the dress has plenty of room.” Liz was trying to find a pocket on the dress with her left hand and she said, “I don’t know about this, guys…it doesn’t feel quite right.” I asked, “Why?” and naturally Liz went to a thought bubble to answer the question instead of telling me. It was then I got really confused. Back last February, when Deanna found this dress, I could have sworn it had solid material for sleeves and not these gauzy sleeves Liz was wearing. And also, I don’t remember the dress being low cut in the front. I said to Deanna, “This doesn’t look like the same dress.” Deanna just hissed at me in that low voice she has which almost always means danger if I don’t do what she says. She hissed, “Shut your flapping gob, Michael Patterson. It’s Grandma Marian’s dress and I will hurt you if you dare to suggest to Liz it is not.”

Deanna’s visage of anger was too unpleasant for me to look at, so I looked at Liz and read her thought bubble. It said, “Gram….I feel like I should be asking for your permission!” And of course I thought, “Cheeze. It’s the asking permission thing again. Visits with Liz and Anthony are going to be really annoying if this keeps up.”

That’s about it for this part, April. There will be more tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Funny thing--Dee snapped a pic of Liz in that dress and e-mailed it 2 me. That dress does NOT look like what Marian has on in Grandpa Jim's wedding pics. Plus, like Mike sez above, it doesn't look like how it did when Dee found it in the crawl space. Which makes me wonder how Mike "recognized" it from the wedding pix. Magical dress, eh, Dee?

Liz wrote me this:

April, I saw what Mike wrote about my visit there, and I want to add some things. First, he forgot to say how I was glowing because I'm so happy to be engaged. He's supposed to be a writer, and writers are supposed to say that kind of thing about their sister when she gets engaged! He should have mentioned that I looked beautiful in that dress, and it was like the dress had been made for me!

Also, Anthony has showed me that asking permission is just good manners. Mike should spend more time with Anthony so he can improve his manners!

I would add more, but I still have to finish grading those tests I was supposed to turn in four weeks ago, and my students' parents get pissy when I turn them in a month late.

Liz

And now U R all up 2 d8, 4 now.

Apes

2 Late 2 Order a Whole Other Life?

K, so I went in2 the kitchen and found that Mom and Dad had their old slide projector and were making stacks and stacks of slides. I heard Dad saying, "Let's put vacations in this pile...." and Mom saying, "OK, and I'll put pets over here." Then Dad was like, "Then we can figure out approximate dates by..." And I interrupted him w/"Whatcha doing?" And Dad sed, "...Trying 2 put our lives in order." I'm pretty sure I looked gobsmacked 4 sum weird reason.

Mom added, "The slides were all out of order, so we started 2 make sum stacks. She pted 2 the various stacks while saying what they were: "Liz slides there, Michael here, U over there, yr dad's folks, my folks, stuff from B4 yr dad and I were married, vacations over on the counter there, and pets here."

I was like, "Mom, I have this distinct memory from when Gramps was living here, and U guys dug out the old slides, and there were only Mike an' Liz slides, none of me. And when I asked Y, U told me that by the time I came along, U weren't doing slides NEmore. What gives?" Mom sed, "If U look @ that small stack of 'April' slides, U will C there are all from yr three summers @ the farm. Yr Aunt Bev and Uncle Danny still do slides." I sed, "Oh."

Then I sed, "How come U have more vacation slides than U have of all the other stacks combined?" And Mom sed, "Well, U know yr father and I luv our vacations." I sed, "Abt that. R U guys going 2 abandon me during March vacation again this yr?" And Mom sed, "W8 and C. MayB yr father and I will go 2 one of our favourite warm-weather locales, or mayB we will ignore March vacation al2gether." And I sed, "I noticed U did not mention taking me w/U on a trip sumwhere as an option." Mom laffed and then sed, "No, I did not."

Then I sed, "Y do U suddenly want 2 put all these slides in order NEway?" And Mom sed, "Sumtime in September, every1 will B reminscing abt our past, from their earliest memories of us, and they will B going in chronological order. We received a memo from the Johnston Institute saying we need 2 do this 2 help that process along." I sed, "Geez, September's going 2 start a dull era." And Mom sed, "Nonsense! Ppl luv our old memories! Especially since we'll B filling in sum details they don't remember, sum of which mayB never happened!" And I sed, "What, R we George Lucas?" Mom gave me a blank look.

Well, that's all I've got 4 now.

Apes

The So-Called Adult Table

So, Merry Xmas! Of course, U mite remember my fam celebr8ed Xmas a couple of days early, all so the meal part of the storytelling cd fall on Xmas day. NEway, Mike has this 2 share abt what happed in the dining rm while I was releg8ed 2 the kiddie table in the kitchen:

April,

Formerly little sis. Merry Christmas from the adult table. Sometimes it is those last minute changes at Christmas, which make things exciting. For example, after having changed out the glass in the door at the end of our dining room and having changed the light fixture from when mom lived here, who would have ever suspected that Deanna would make me change them again at the last minute. Literally, we were playing with the napkins and setting the table for Christmas Dinner when Deanna said to me, “Michael. I want a whole new light fixture. I want the one with 5 different little lights, almost like a chandelier. And those glass doors, I want the glass to be plain like it was before, but the bottom part to be wooden, almost as if it was a china cabinet than glass doors.” Well, I made those changes; but just barely.

But then, Deanna decided that all the women had to wear dresses and their shoes had to be from the same design, only with their shoes matching their dress colour and no lady could be wearing the same colour. I am sure you heard part of that argument. But Deanna won, and everyone’s shoes were colour-coordinated.

But then, Deanna decided that all the men needed to sit in chairs with raised bottoms, of the chairs and not the men, even though the net effect was the same. Deanna said it would symbolize the fact that men’s feet didn’t touch the ground even though women’s did, and this would be a good symbol for Christmas. Well, I spent the better part of the day, padding chairs, but it did work. My feet, and every other man’s feet did not touch the ground when we were sitting down for the Christmas Dinner. The exception of course, was Grandpa Jim, who took Iris’ chair. So Iris’ feet dangled, and Grandpa Jim’s didn’t. By the way, I was very surprised when he came and made it to the dining room table just using a cane. It’s hard to believe that just 2 months ago, he could barely stay conscious. I must say, the curative properties of my book Stone Season cannot be underestimated.

But then, Deanna decided that she wanted an Advent candle display on the table, with the candles lit. This was actually fairly pretty, and would have worked out if Anthony hadn’t leaned into them and singed off part of his eyebrow. I am not sure why Anthony sat right in front of those candles.

But then Deanna and mom got into it about mom’s decision to wear a sweater over her shoulders and keep her hair in a bun. Apparently, when Deanna was sending out the notification about the women’s dress code, our mom ignored it and wore her hair in a bun and she wore the sweater too. Mom’s argument was that if Mira Sobinski was going to wear a low-cut dress showing off her cleavage like a pole dancer, then she was going to wear the garments of a proper lady.

But then Deanna and her mom got into an argument about whether or not it was judicious to include the dogs in on the family meal, if you and the children were left out. Finally it was decided it was more important to try to teach the dogs good manners by putting them in the presence of adults, than to include the kids in the meal. It didn’t really matter. Grandpa Jim ‘s old dog passed out from all the Havarti, he slipped her on the side.

After all these last minute changes were made, we finally got to the dinner. We were sitting down with the food in front of us, all ready to wolf it down in seconds, when you would not believe what Mira Sobinski had the nerve to do. She said, “Now…Shall I say grace?” At first I thought she was going to just say the word, “Grace” and then we could and would start eating. But she actually started talking and she was saying things like, “Thank you for families who can get together over Christmas. Thank you for this meal my daughter and all the many hands who have laboured over it.” Simply ridiculous stuff. Now, if you can remember back to 2002, when I did the grace, that was a great prayer. People were practically begging for me to say grace at every meal. That’s how it should be done. Short, sweet, and so impersonal it could have been said about any family on any occasion.

Well, Mira’s prayer went on and on and on. In fact, there came a point where I opened my eyes and took a look at the thought balloons beside me. Deanna was thinking, “Mom, please hurry. Everything’s getting cold.” This was kind of a funny one when you think about how Deanna’s mom’s food was brought all the way over from Burlington, and it had to be reheated when they got here. Dad was thinking, “She always goes on and on and on!” Right dad! Kind of like watching a train go around a track. Dad is always thinking in train metaphors. Then mom was thinking, “Snore”. I found out later, she had eaten so much dessert before she came to the dinner, that it had caused him [her] to fall asleep. I was thinking, “Come on, Mira! Enough already!” That’s because I wanted her to stop. Iris was thinking, “Smells good anyway.” I suppose that’s her old lady confirmation that her nose still works. Elizabeth was sitting beside me and not beside Anthony because (and this is so typical of her), Anthony and she are “just friends.” So, to prove this she sat by me. Liz was thinking, “Hungry!!” What can I say about that? That’s Liz. Grandpa Jim was thinking, “Sometimes, I think we have no idea just how fortunate we really are!” Yes, April, Grandpa Jim wanted to do the prayer, and since Mira took it over from him, he just decided to think the prayer he planned to do. Thanks goodness he can’t talk.

I would tell you what Wilf Sobinski was thinking, but really, who cares? Anthony Caine was thinking, “I think I smell something burning” and he was right. Who would have known his eyebrows would be so flammable.

So, you see, April, you really didn’t miss much at Christmas Dinner.

Love,
Michael Patterson

This story has been brought 2 U by the fact that my fam is full of awful ppl. What terrible thots they were having just cuz Mira was saying grace! Oh, noes, they cdn't dig rite in! I'm sure the food was turning 2 ice in the minute it took 4 her 2 talk.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, I told the children, "It's traditional 2 begin by saying grace." And Françoise sed, "May I?" And I sed, "Sure, Y not?"

Then she was like, "Although I am about two and a half months short of my third birthday, I have an unrealistically advanced vocabulary and verbal maturity. Therefore, it is only fitting that I should deliver the grace before this meal. I am thankful that the Patterson family was gracious enuf 2 invite me and my daddy, even tho both sets of my grandparents were anxious 2 C us 2day. Daddy sed being part of the Patterson clan wd mean cutting off ties with them. And that makes me sad. But I digress. I thank the Lord Almighty for this meal before us, though it looks as though most of it is inedible. Thank you, Lord, for having April bring in the couscous cakes, the lentil dish, and the salade sans doigts. Thank you for this gathering, even tho the adults have seen fit 2 sequester the minors in a kiddie ghetto. Thank you for another year on this earth, and may the next year bring us peace, prosperity, and renewable energy so that we can eliminate our dependence on fossil fuels. Amen!"

NEway, that's what was happening in the kitchen.

Apes

Wherein I channel Fleetwood Mac

Keesha, thanx 4 giving me the link 2 yr interview w/Mike 4 the school paper.

Hey, did U know I'm still in a band? And that Dunc came back from Barbardos? Well, I am [that may B ending] and he did.

So, the other day, I was standing in the hallway @ school w/Dunc and Luis, when Ger came along. Ger was all, "It's totally arranged, guys. We R THE BAND on "Wicked Wednesday." Dunc went, "Cool!" and Luis sed, "Aw-right." I was like, "Yay." Ger's ears went way hi on his head as he sed, "Yay"? ...U sound less than enthused." And I went, "Gerald, we're giving up another Halloween nite 2 perform!" Which, now that I think of it, is an odd thing 2 say, cuz when have we ever given up a Halloween nite 2 perform. Last yr, we played @ Gym Jam, but that was during the day--and what did we even do on Halloween nite? I don't remember. And the yr B4 that? What big Halloween performance did we do? NEway, w/this new chip in my brain that sez we R alwayz giving up our Halloween nites 2 B the entertainment, I was like, "Y don't WE party 4 a change?" And Ger was all, "Party?!! But we're popular now! We're on the ladder of success!" Eh, since when? I was like, "I don't wanna B on this ladder!" Eva, who had been consipicuously absent, suddenly appeared, as if a bad storyteller had only just remembered that she's in our band and oughta B present. Ger asked, "U wanna sit on the stump of mediocrity?" And I sed, "No. ....I want to go my own way." Then Eva busted out w/"U can go your own way/Go your own way/U can call it/Another lonely day/U can go your own way/Go your own way." And then, the next thing that happened was--aw, nuts, my fone's ringing--I'll hafta tell U 2morrow.

Apes

Time for more retcons and reminiscences

Mom sed that she an' Connie treated Iris 2 coffee in the hospital caf, and Connie told Iris, "It's nice 2 get 2 know U, Iris. Elly sez such gr8 things abt U." And Iris was like, "How sweet!" Then she asked, "Now, how long have U 2 been friends?" Mom sed, "Oh... for yrs! Since B4 we were married." And Connie sed, "And I was divorced. When Elly moved next door 2 me, I was a single parent." And Iris sed, "That must have been a difficult time in yr life!" Connie told her, "It was! But Elly thot I had it easy... and I thot SHE did!" And then Mom and Connie both remembered how they looked @ ea other while thinking stuff. Connie remembered thinking, "I wish I had her security." And Mom remembers thinking, "I wish I had her freedom!"

OK, now I'm confused. The past is being revised again. I remember that Mike told me how, when he and Lawrence were little, they were both told that Connie and Lawrence's dad had divorced, and he [the dad] moved back 2 Brazil. But when Mike and Lawrence were teenagers, the story changed 2 Connie having gotten preggers while she was part of that medical team in Latin America, and how she never married Lawrence's dad, who never came up 2 live in Canada.

Another thing was that Connie didn't live next door when Mom and Dad bought the house on Sharon Park Drive. The house that Connie lives in now was where Mrs. Baird, the lady who bred sheepdogs and gave our fam Farley lived. Connie useta live in the house where the Enjo family lives now--across the street from the Pattermanse. The Enjos moved in when Connie and Lawrence moved 2 Thunder Bay, where she met and married Greg Thomas. Soon after, Mrs. Baird moved in2 an oldfoax home, and Connie and Greg bought her place.

I wonder Y they're changing this stuff now. Especially since Connie has that new bio on Mom's website, and the new bio sticks with the "got pregnant/didn't get married" version of events.

How confusing.

Apes

And we get 2 pregnancy #2

So, Mike had sum more abt his reminiscing session w/Merrie:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you may recollect, I had been going through the photo album mom made up for me to tell my daughter about mom and dad’s romance. Finally, we got to the point where I was born, and I had the chance to talk about things I actually remembered, instead of having to follow mom’s bizarre script of what happened.

I looked wistfully outward, and I could tell my daughter was getting sleepy again, because she had to support her head on her hand. I said, “For a while, we lived in the apartment in Toronto. Then, dad got a job with another dentist in Milborough, and we moved here.” My daughter said, “You didn’t tell about what Grampa John did when Gramma Elly told him her surprise about you.” I said, “I wasn’t there at the time, but speaking as one who has been through that kind of experience I am sure Grampa John felt like Gramma Elly betrayed him on the most basic of levels and realized he would never be able to fully trust her again.” My daughter said, “Doesn’t Grampa John like surprises?” I said, “No. Not really.”

My daughter said, “Was Grampa John still in school when you came?” I said, “No. He was out of school and working for a dentist outside of Toronto. That’s when we lived in that apartment.” My daughter said, “You leave out a lot of stuff, dad.” I said, “I’m on a schedule. I have to take the story all the way to Lizzie being 3 years-old by Saturday.” My daughter said, “Why?” I said, “Sometimes, things have to be done in a week, even though they would be much better if they were done over a few weeks.”

Then my daughter said, “Can I go outside?” I said, “As long as you don’t mind me following you.” My daughter went outside and hid under a bush. It was a little difficult to get under the bush with her, but I managed. While we were both in the bushes I said, “When that dentist retired, dad bought his practice, and eventually they were able to buy this house on Sharon Park Drive.” My daughter said, “What does ‘bought his practice’ mean?” I said, “He gave him a lot of money, so all his tooth equipment would belong to him.” My daughter said, “No. Practice. Isn’t the word ‘practise’?” I said, “Oh right. Practise. Dad bought the other dentist’s practise.” My daughter said, “You mean like Grampa John and Dr. Callahan? Auntie April calls him a morsel.” I said, “Sort of. Except in dad’s case, the other doctor took the money and actually left and stopped working there. If you read our family monthly letters, you might think dad sold his practice, I mean practise, to Dr. Callahan, but in reality, I don’t think dad will ever truly sell.” My daughter said, “You mean like Gramma Elly and the book store?” I said, “Exactly. Just like mom and the bookstore.”

Then I got a few bush branches sticking in tender parts on my body and I said, “Can we go back in the house now?” My daughter said, “OK.” When we got back in I said to my daughter, “This next part I will tell you with my eyes crossed.” I said, “Elizabeth was born after we moved here. I remember when my mom was pregnant.” My daughter laughed and said, “You crossed your eyes talking about Auntie Liz. Auntie April says I should call her Auntie Liz, and not Auntie Elizabeth.” I said, “Well she’s not married and she doesn’t have a baby yet, so Auntie Liz is still good.” My daughter said, “You crossed your eyes again.” I said, “I did? Well Auntie Liz just makes my eyes cross.” My daughter said, “Mine too. Her breath stinks.” I said, “That’s why I call her Lizardbreath. I think I am supposed to tell that joke tomorrow.” My daughter said, “Do you have pictures?”

I opened up the photo album and sure enough there was a picture of mom, looking like I remembered her, with her hair down, and her nose small, and her hands across her belly like she was pregnant. Then there was little me and I had a word balloon saying, “Honest? You have a baby in your tummy?!” My daughter said, “Gramma Elly was pretty. Why was she so ugly in the other pictures?” I said, “That’s a very good question.” My daughter said, “This next picture is funny, daddy. Did you really look down Gramma Elly’s mouth to see if you could see the baby?” I said, “I sure did.” My daughter said, “Did you see the baby?” I said, “I couldn’t see her, but I could smell her.” My daughter said, “Eww! Daddy. I like these pictures. I hope you have a lot more like these pictures and not like those bad pictures you showed me before.” I said to my daughter, “I hope so too. I really hope so.”

Love,
Michael Patterson

I agree, Mike, those pix of Mom b-ing preg w/Liz and U trying 2 C the "baby in [her] tummy" R much better than those bad ones Mom made me Photoshop from current pix w/the age-regression software. I hope Mom doesn't force me 2 do NE more ugly Photoshopping.

U were v. little when U tried 2 C fetal Liz that way. But U were 14 when Mom was preg w/me. How come U did the same thing 2 try an' C me?

Apes

Stuff we didn't wanna know, w/revisions

Mike had another installment 2 what he told Merrie abt Mom an' Dad when they 1st met:

April,

Formerly little sis. After a whole series of mom’s fake “pictures of her past”, she finally relented and let me tell the story, so long as I followed the basic outline of her script. My daughter and I still had the photo album in front of us and we still looked at pictures. Following up from yesterday, I said to my daughter, “And that’s how dad got mom to agree to go on their first date, by asking her when he was working on her teeth.”

My daughter said, “So Gramma Elly and Grampa John got married?” The question took me a little aback and yet there in the photo album were pictures of mom and dad obviously living in an apartment together and looking very married. Now here’s the tricky part. Do I explain to my daughter that mom and dad started living with each other almost immediately after that first date, or do I say they were married in those pictures? I could probably get away with saying they were married. After all, no one in our family wears a wedding ring; so my daughter might not be able to tell the difference. Just be safe I said, “After a while they did.” I don’t want my daughter to get the idea she should get married, just because she went on one date with someone.

I read mom’s script and it said, “Dad had a couple more years to go before he graduated, and mom was only in first year. After a few months, mom left school and started working so they could save some money.” Now, here’s a funny thing. For years mom has told us she had to drop out of school because she got married and had kids. Yet, mom was born August 26, 1951 and dad was born in February 17, 1949. They are separated by 2 years in age. So, when mom started at the University of Toronto, dad would have been starting his third year of his 4-year program for a Doctor of Dental Surgery. Even if dad went to Grade 13 before university, he still would have graduated by 1972 and mom would have graduated in 1974. I was born in 1976, 2 years later. Mom didn’t have to quit school for me.

Sometimes mom says she had to drop out of school to support dad through dental school. That doesn’t make much sense either. Dad had already been there 2 years, and when he met mom he wasn’t expecting her to pay for his school. His third year was already paid for. Her first year was already paid for, and she knew she had enough money for her to go to school for 4 years. Why did mom need to save some money? Then it occurred to me the real reason why mom quit school. She was living in an apartment with a man who was going to be a dentist, so there was no need for her to stay in school. I was in the middle of this revelation, when my daughter interrupted my thoughts in silhouette and said, “And then they had you?” I really did not want to get into a discussion of how mom and dad “had me” with my almost 5-year-old daughter. So, I said, “No! They got married first…”

Then I looked down at mom’s notes and it said, “Mike was a bit of a surprise (see picture)”. I thought, “No I wasn’t!! I was born when mom was 24.” But then I was filled with dread. How am I going to explain this one to my daughter? I looked at the picture. It was a picture of dad wearing his dentist outfit looking like someone knocked the breath out of him. He was in an apartment decorated with a chesterfield, a bowl of popcorn, a dead potted plant, a can of beer, an extendable floor lamp, and a pointing hand hanging down from the ceiling. My initial thought was “Hand of Fatima,” but the hand didn’t look right. Mom was there holding some sheet of paper and saying to dad in a speech balloon, “Honestly, I don’t know HOW it happened!!”

I thought, “Perfect. If my daughter asks me what Gramma Elly means by a surprise, I can say, ‘A surprise is when you don’t know how it happened!’” But then, April, I thought about it some more, and I felt this terrible sense of déjà vu. After all, didn’t my lovely Deanna pull the same trick with me back in 2002? Initially I thought it had to be a coincidence, but the more I thought about it, I realized what had actually happened. I showed the picture and the speech balloon to Deanna and said, “This seems awfully familiar, doesn’t it?” Deanna said, “I guess you and your daughter have something else in common.” My daughter said, “What?! What are you talking about?”

I said to my daughter, “We were both big surprises to our daddies, but not to our mommies.” Then I thought some very bad thoughts about my mother I never thought I would ever think about her.

Formerly little sis. Sometimes it is better for the past to stay in the past. I have been doing this for only 4 days, and I never imagined it would make me feel this bad.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Ew, yeah. Mom shd keep the past in the past AND stop rewriting it. I remember Mom telling me that she'd completed 2 yrs of uni B4 dropping out. Y wd she change her story 2 this? I think it sounds worse. And I agree that her reasons 4 dropping out don't make NE sense and she just doesn't wanna admit she didn't feel like doing schoolwork NEmore once she felt she'd secured a hubby w/earning potential.

But I also don't understand if Dad was supposta B only 20 yrs old (2 yrs older than Mom, who was supposedly only 18 when all this happened), how he cd even B in dental school yet. Wdn't he hafta do 4 yrs of undergrad 1st, and THEN dental school? I'm confused.

And OMG, Perdita, U've gotta get that lappy back 2 Dunc so he can finish telling me his story. So, Dunc, U R OK?

Apes

More on Mom an' Dad's Retcon Romance

Mike had another installment 2 the story he was telling Merrie abt Mom an' Dad when they 1st met:

April,

Formerly little sis. Well, mom had some more “pictures of her past” for me about the time when she and dad met, and a little script to go along with them. I was trying to show them to my daughter, but I found she was nearly unconscious after yesterday. I decided I would just read the script and look at the pictures to fulfill my obligation to mom.

The first picture showed a 3-story building with no windows on the lower floor. On top was a sign which said, “Toronto School of Dentistry.” Then there was a huge sign about head-level with the silhouetted persons walking beside the building, which had a lot of words which were too small to read, except for “Free Dentistry”. Mom’s script said, “Every Thursday night, there was a free clinic at the dental school.” I went to mom and said, “What is this picture? I used to live in Toronto. The dentistry school is called the University of Toronto Faculty of Dentistry. It’s on Edward Street. The building has been there at least since 1958 and it looks the same way today as it did then. It does not look like this building. This looks like the Milborough School of Dentistry, with Toronto over the part where it says Milborough.” Mom said, “Goodness, Michael. Why are you so picky?” I said, “My daughter has seen the real building before. She will know this picture is a fake.” Mom said, “Accuracy is not important, when it comes to telling a story of love. What is important is letting your daughter know that back when I was in university I was frugal. I didn’t spend any money on my dental work, because I used a free clinic.” I said, “About that free clinic….” But then mom interrupted me and said, “Get back to your daughter and finish the story, Michael.”

So I went back to my daughter and I pulled out the second picture. It had a picture of a man looking through a door at a line of people in a long hallway sitting in chairs. Behind them on the wall, was a sign asking people to vote for someone. The script said, “And one evening, my mom went in for a checkup. My dad saw her waiting in line and asked the prof to let her be his patient.” My daughter said, “Client. Grandpa John calls them clients.” I said, “Back then they called them patients.” My daughter said, “Which one of those people on the wall is Grandma Elly?” I said I thought it was the one with her legs crossed. My daughter said, “That person has a turban on her head.” I said, “I think it’s her hair in a bun.” My daughter said, “Who is the person hiding behind the door?” I said, “That’s Grandpa John.” My daughter said, “He likes to hide behind things and look at Grandpa Elly, doesn’t he?” I said, “It certainly seems that way.”

Then I went to the next picture. It was a picture of inside the clinic. There was a nice reclining office chair. Someone who looked kind of like dad was standing beside it motioning to the person who kind of looked like mom to sit down. There were these extended track lighting fixtures hanging from the ceiling and a table full of dental instruments beside the chair. My daughter said, “Where’s the equipment?” I said, “What equipment?” My daughter said, “Like Grandpa John has in his office.” I looked and sure enough, there was no equipment there aside from what was on the table. The picture did not even have the old spittoon, I remembered when I was growing up. I got up and went to mom. I said, “Track lighting. No spittoon. Where was this picture taken?” Mom said, “We got a good picture in a furniture and lighting store. It looks just like a dentistry place.” I said, “My daughter spotted it right away. Mom. If you don’t have the right pictures, if the persons who are supposed to be you and dad don’t look like you did in those days, then why not let me tell the story? I am a professional writer, you know.” Mom said, “Today’s audience needs something visual. Did you tell your daughter the joke yet?” I said, “No, mom. She’s not going to get a pun based on ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say “No!”. Mom said, “No. It’s based on ‘I’m gonna make you an offer you no canna refuse.’ Young people are smarter than you think. Try it.”

So I went back to my daughter and showed her the final picture. It was picture of “mom” with a facial mask, and a dental bib and “dad” standing behind her looking in her mouth through a hand-held mirror and some other dental instrument. “Dad” had on gloves, but was not wearing a mask himself. My daughter said, “Why is Grandma Elly wearing that mask?” I didn’t know so I got up and went to dad. I said, “Dad. Why do you put a facial mask on a patient?’ Dad said, “Are we talking about trains or dentistry?” I said, “Dentistry.” Dad said, “First of all, we call them clients now. The masks could be used to prevent harm to the patient from the emitted light of the dental procedure. We use them for our clients who are too bright. Get it?” I said, “Funny one dad. What if the eyes and nose are uncovered, and only the lower part of the head is covered, except for the mouth?” Dad said, “That dental patient face mask protects the patient from projected liquid and solid materials often encountered during the administration of dental procedures. It’s so if I spit or slip, it doesn’t drip or rip their lip. That one rhymes, you see?” I told dad I saw it. I went back and told my daughter. She said, “Just read the script dad.” I said, “I guess mom was really impressed, because when he asked for a date…she couldn’t say ‘No’!” Then in the picture there was a word balloon coming out of mom saying, “Yrgl.” My daughter said, “What does Yrgl mean, dad?” I said, “You Read Good Lips.” My daughter said, “It does not. That’s silly.” I said, “You win. All it means is dad asked mom a question she couldn’t answer because he put something in her mouth.” My daughter said, “So Grandma Elly wanted to say 'No,' but Grandpa John wouldn’t let her. Is that allowed?” I said, “For Grandpa John it was.”

That was it for this session, formerly little sis. I hope that tomorrow at least, some part of this story is going to make some kind of sense. After all, if you think about it carefully, you will realize that yesterday ended with mom and dad staring at each other saying nothing, but dad thought-ballooning about her. I refuse to believe that mom and dad’s romance is this similar to Elizabeth and Anthony’s romance.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, I don't want Mom an' Dad's luv story 2 B NEthing like Liz/Anthony either. Blecch. U prolly can't tell from how bad thoze pix R, but it took 4EVS 2 assemble them in Photoshop. And Mom w/her head over my shoulder commenting on everything I did. Yeah, I totally sed we shd use a real pic of that dental building in TO, but Mom insisted the Milborough bldg w/"Toronto" pasted in wd look more "authentic." I really hope Mom isn't gonna make me retouch the real fotos of her and Dad when they were yung, like to put a bun on her hair or erase Dad's sideburns. That wd B way lame.

Paul, thanx 4 checking in w/yr comment last nite and xxplaining sum of the stuff that didn't sound rite in Liz's Sept. 2007 monthly letter.

So, school started yesterday. I was sad 2 hafta start w/out Dunc. I think I'll like my classes, tho they're gonna B challenging, 2. I wanna do well so I can get in2 a gd pre-vet programme.

Apes

How Mom and Dad Supposedly Met

Mike had sum more 2 say abt his recent photo-album/reminiscing session w/Meredith:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you may recollect from yesterday, I had settled into my invisible chair (my daughter’s favourite sight gag), and started turning pages through a photo album to attempt to answer her question from yesterday, “Why did they move so far away?” She was asking this question about Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian living in Vancouver instead of Milborough, but the real answer was that her Grandma Elly moved to Milborough from Vancouver. While mom “found” some pictures to illustrate this story, my daughter propped her head in her hand, rested both her elbows on the table, and settled down for a long story, with all the enthusiasm of a little girl being tortured. Mom eventually came by with the pictures and a little script for me to follow. So, I did.

The first line was, “When your Grandma Elly was 18, she applied to several universities, and was accepted at the University of Toronto.” Now you may be thinking, formerly little sis, how did that happen? Mom is from Vancouver and going to Vancouver University or Washington State University Vancouver had to be a lot easier. I couldn’t get a straight answer out of mom on this matter. Nevertheless, it appears that mom went to a university about as far as she could get from Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian and still be in Canada, and you can draw your own conclusions from that, eh? Naturally, I didn’t bring any of this up to my daughter.

Then I turned to the first picture mom gave me and it was a picture of a big-nosed girl, with her hair in a bun, and she had rolled-up sleeves in a plain long-sleeved shirt, she was eating a pencil, while looking at a book in a library. Behind her to her right was a stalker, skulking behind a library stack, staring around the corner at her. I had to stop right then and there and got up to talk to mom. I said, “Mom. What is going on here? When you were 18 years old, it was 1969. These people aren’t wearing 60s fashions or even 1970s fashions. And I know from when I was little, that you only wore your hair up for special occasions. Plus you had a petite nose. The only thing right is how you eat pencils. What is going on?

Mom just said, “It was just too much of a change to match the art style back in those days.” Well, that was hardly an answer. So I went back to my daughter and I pointed to the picture and said, “She moved from her home in Vancouver, got an apartment in Toronto and was studying English when she met my dad.” I was about to explain to my daughter that my dad was her Grandpa John, when it hit me like a ton of bricks, the stalker was dad. I said my pardons to my daughter and ran back to mom. I said, “Mom. These pictures make it look like you met dad when he was stalking you in university.” Mom said, “Well he did. It was so sweet.” I said, “But mom, remember Elizabeth was attacked by that Howard Bunt guy who was stalking her. How can you think stalking is sweet?” Mom said, “Times were different back then. If a girl was looking for a husband, you couldn’t afford to ignore a man, just because he was stalking you. Besides, it’s not really stalking, if the girl wants to be stalked.” I knew mom and dad’s love story would make me squeamish, and it was coming true faster than I could have imagined.

So I went back to my daughter and pulled out the next picture. There was “dad” walking slightly behind “mom” to her left on the university campus. He was looking at her out of his right eye, and she looked back at him. I said to my daughter, “He was in dental school. He saw her on campus, and I guess something told him she was special.” My initial thought was, “Special because she was friendly to stalkers,” but I didn’t say that to my daughter. After all, when you get right down to it, the dental school at University of Toronto is not near the English department. Cheese and rice! Thinking about dad this way is really disturbing.

The next picture was of “mom” with giant lips and “dad” looking at her, and the script said, “John was thinking, ‘Nice teeth!’” I had to get up and talk to mom again. I said, “Mom. This isn’t dad. This is Anthony Caine in a brown-haired toupee, and he doesn’t even have Dad’s old sideburns on the toupee. Not only that but “Nice teeth!” is the joke dad used in one of his favourite old stories about how he used to get away with looking at other women’s breasts, when you were around. I really hope you are saying your special feature is your teeth and not that other part! Please tell me 'teeth'!” Mom just giggled. I started to feel real nausea.

Then I said, “Where are the real pictures from when you in university?” Then mom sobbed about how she couldn’t find the photo albums from then, and she had to make some, so my daughter would understand why she should never marry a guy you meet in university and marry him before you finish your degree in English. I tried not to think about how mom’s message to my daughter was she shouldn’t have married dad.

I am two days into this thing mom calls “High brid” and already I wish you were doing this instead of me.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, U know I don't often agree w/U, but I agree on the horror of Mom an' Dad's "courting" story. And if it helps NE, Mom pressed me in2 service as her "Photoshop flunky" 2 fill in these gaps she doesn't have pics 4. U R rite that the one pic U were talking abt was actually based on an Anthony pic instead of a Dad pic. Mom insisted that Anthony looked more like "early John" than NE other source material--even when I suggested using actual early pics of Dad and just sticking 'em in the rite settings and making small adjustments. I suggested the same kinda thing 4 Mom, like using sum pics from that early, early series U linked 2 and mayB just put her in casual "uni" clothes. But Mom insisted that she knew best, and she had me use current pics of her scanned in2 this weird "age regression" software that she got Steph 2 buy. It's like they're sum weird version of a young Mom that ppl who have only ever seen Mom as she is now mite imagine. And in that group of pics Mom gave U 4 today's installment, I'm especially squicked by her face in that last shot, where Dad is supposta B thinkin' abt her teeth. She loox like she has sum weird kinda kabuki mask on. I wanted 2 redo that one, but Mom insisted she luvved it the way it is.

BTW, Mom had told me that the way she an' Dad 1st met was that he'd fallen asleep in her favourite studying spot in the library. And when he woke up, he didn't think "nice teeth," but instead noticed sum dental work she needed. I wonder Y Mom is changing this up!

NEhoodles, school starts 2day. Grade 11, yo! Woot!

Apes

Laura musta missed my B-day song, eh?

So I packed cuz I hafta go back home after all. As I was filling my suitcase, Aunt Bev was all, "Packing already!" And I sed, "Yeah. It feels like I just got here!" Which was meant as a mild joke, cuz I DID just get back from my impromptu reappearance in Milborough 4 Mom's b-day. But that flew rite over Aunt Bev's head, so she was like, "U must have had a gd time!" I sed, "I had a gr8 time, Auntie Bev! I worked mostly in surgery this yr." And it crossed my mind that it was weird that I was only just telling her this as I was packing 2 leave. Y haven't we been talking the whole time? Then, my cuzzie Laura came in2 the room, all, "Yep! We let her do a lot! She was rite in there w/the sponges and the clamps, passing instruments and cutting sutures. This kid is so focused, NOTHING fazes her!" And I went, "LAURA!" Then I did that patented Patterson gesture of indignation, where you place one hand on yr sternum, pting @ yrself, and I went, "I am NOT a kid!!!" Laura looked gobsmacked, and Aunt Bev gazed up from under her glasses. I guess it was a look of "silent reproach."

Well, U know, Laura mite not have made that mistake if she'd only listened 2 my birthday song. Remember? "I'm 16, I'm not a kid NEmore. . . . ." If I sang it, it must B true! ;)

Apes

Trust me when I say, BWUH?

More abt Liz telling Candace a buncha stuff she heard abt Anthony and Thérèse.

Candace was all, "So, Y did she have a baby?" And Liz sed, "They'd bought a house. ...I guess she thot she cd buy in2 the whole domestic package!" OK, w8. No. They had the baby and THEN bought the house. This is what Anthony told Mom @ Thérèse's baby shower. Nice try, Lizard. NEway, then she told Candace, "Anthony was thrilled when Françoise was born, but Thérèse became depressed. She went back 2 work and left him w/the baby." Hm, shdn't she have been evaluated and treated 4 PPD (post-partum depression)? I'm surprised Candace didn't bring this up. I've heard of this, and I haven't even studied psych @ university. So, Liz continued w/"She spent more and more time @ work. Eventually she admitted she was having an affair with a co-worker. She asked 4 a divorce, and he agreed. She left him w/the house, the baby, and a lot of debt. ...He's only just started 2 trust again." Candace: "And.... he trusts U?" And then, according 2 Liz, "I gave her one of those meaningful looks and I told her, 'Trust me. ...He does."

OK, bwuh? That's how this retell ends? And what's that supposed 2 mean, that Liz and Anthony have made the beast with 2 backs in his Liz shrine bedroom? And what abt Thérèse's ability 2 trust a guy not 2 lust after an ex-girlfriend and try 2 push her in2 a mold she doesn't fit in (yeah, I know we're supposed 2 think THERESE tried 2 change ANTHONY and that her evil PARENTS R supposed 2 have pushed her towards motherhood and home ownership--but my memory hasn't been wiped out, eh?).

Sorry, Liz, U haven't made me like Anthony this week. Tho I feel loads of sympathy 4 Thérèse.

Changing/Not Changing

Liz told me sum more abt when Candace visited her recently. While washing dishes, Liz told Candace, "My brother kept me informed abt Anthony. Even tho we'd stopped seeing ea other, we were still friends." Yeah, and one sure sign of friendship is when one of the friends needs her brother 2 keep her "informed" abt the other friend. Liz continued w/"Anthony and Thérèse were happy 4 a while ...But she wanted 2 change him." Liz took a moment 2 imagine Anthony wearing sum boxer shorts in a garish design and a t-shirt while peeling a banana, with Thérèse looking @ him and thinking "He looks like a fool 2day." I doubt Mike wd have been able 2 "inform" Liz abt this, esp. since she was imagining a pre-mustache Anthony in this little drama, which means a pre-engaged Anthony. Liz never heard abt Thérèse until after Anthony had grown a mustache and gotten engaged. Liz went on w/"She criticized the way he dressed, the way he ate[,] and made him grow a mustache, so he wdn't look like a kid!" Girl, please! When Anthony first grew that mustache, it was all, "Anthony, U grew a mustache!" Like it was a good thing that made him dashing. Now we're getting this version of events cuz most ppl h8ed the stoopid 'stache. Oh, so after this lil bit of her tale of Anthony-woe, she described Anthony @ a restaurant w/Thérèse, about 2 bite in2 a huge sandwich, w/Thérèse interrupting him, all, "Honey, U shd cut that in half!!" Ah, I guess he shd have aligned himself w/a sloppy eater like Liz, eh? Cuz sloppy eating = casual and not putting on airs?

NEway, Liz then sed, "But... U can't change ppl!" And Candace was all, "NO KIDDING! Every time my mom tried 2 change me, I got another piercing--then I got a tattoo! I was intense back then, Liz." And Liz told her, "I know. ....And U haven't changed!" I don't think that's what Candace was going 4, Liz.

So, if this version of events we're getting with Anthony and Thérèse is true, things went bad when they were still dating, and yet they still got engaged. And then things got worse, but they still got married. This makes no sense--unless every1 4gets when the 'stache happened and believe Ant was still stacheless when he and T. married.

Apes

Retconversation about Anthony's Marriage

Liz shared sum more abt her recent convo w/Candace. They were eating chips an' dip in Lizzie's apt and discussing Anthony. Candace was all, "I don't understand Y Anthony married Thérèse in the 1st place." Liz was like, "He was crazy abt her! They met @ a dance club in university." In case U R wondering, this wasn't a normal dance club like most uni students go 2, but a ballroom-dancing club, where every1 dresses up in evening gowns an' suits like they were born during the Great Depression. NEway, then Liz sed, "They R both wonderful dancers. They even entered a few competitions 2gether." Bwuh? Does this sound likely 2 NE1? Liz continued w/"She's elegant and sophistic8ed. She sings and plays the piano. She's outgoing and fun 2 B w/. --She just captiv8ed him!" And Candace asked, "So... what happened?" And Liz, preparing 2 chomp a chip, was all, "I guess 'captiv8ed' b-came 'captured'!" Wordplay again. I suppose Liz used "captiv8ed" 2 ensure she cd do that "captiv8ed/captured" thing. Bleah.

And w8 a minute. With all his Liz-obsession, did Anthony really have time 2 B "captiv8ed" by Thérèse? Instead of being like, "Oh noes, Liz is shacking up w/that Eric guy--I have 2 find a woman 2 get engaged 2! Oh, there's a dark-haired, sharp-featured woman rite there!" IYKWIM.

Apes