April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Retconversation about Anthony's Marriage

Liz shared sum more abt her recent convo w/Candace. They were eating chips an' dip in Lizzie's apt and discussing Anthony. Candace was all, "I don't understand Y Anthony married Thérèse in the 1st place." Liz was like, "He was crazy abt her! They met @ a dance club in university." In case U R wondering, this wasn't a normal dance club like most uni students go 2, but a ballroom-dancing club, where every1 dresses up in evening gowns an' suits like they were born during the Great Depression. NEway, then Liz sed, "They R both wonderful dancers. They even entered a few competitions 2gether." Bwuh? Does this sound likely 2 NE1? Liz continued w/"She's elegant and sophistic8ed. She sings and plays the piano. She's outgoing and fun 2 B w/. --She just captiv8ed him!" And Candace asked, "So... what happened?" And Liz, preparing 2 chomp a chip, was all, "I guess 'captiv8ed' b-came 'captured'!" Wordplay again. I suppose Liz used "captiv8ed" 2 ensure she cd do that "captiv8ed/captured" thing. Bleah.

And w8 a minute. With all his Liz-obsession, did Anthony really have time 2 B "captiv8ed" by Thérèse? Instead of being like, "Oh noes, Liz is shacking up w/that Eric guy--I have 2 find a woman 2 get engaged 2! Oh, there's a dark-haired, sharp-featured woman rite there!" IYKWIM.


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  • At 11:20 AM, Anonymous Lyric Unterjohnston said…

    I don't know why people pick on your sister, April. My sister Melody told me about this site, and since I've started reading it, I've really gotten to like Liz! I can relate to her so much, since we've gone through many of the same kinds of experiences. It almost feels as if I'm looking in the mirror, or someone has been videotaping in my house and job and places I go!

    This Anthony guy sounds like a real sweetheart. He sounds like my Antonio. People who don't like Anthony and Antonio just don't know how to appreciate a steady, loyal, sweet, funny, honest guy. They only like scoundrels who seem exciting. I had enough "excitement" in my life, and now I'm ready for reliable and steadfast. Plus I'm sure I'm going to be able to handle Iphigénie and Antonio's ex-wife Marie-Huguette.

    Liz, if you are reading this, maybe we should get together sometime. I also teach grade four, at the Valleycove Elementary School in Milborough. My sister Melody is a picky face, and my brother Gabe, the big "celebrated author" in our family, insists on calling me Gilamonsterbreath!

    Lyric Unterjohnston

  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Gabriel Oliver Unterjohnston said…

    Hello, I am the "author brother" that Lyric, aka Gilamonsterbreath, was referring to. Some of you might remember that I posted as Oliver Unterjohnston earlier this month, and I just wanted to be sure no one got overly confused. My full name is Gabriel Oliver Unterjohnston, and I decided to try out being known by my middle name. I hear there's a certain amount of cachet attached to that. However, as a published author, I have decided to go back to my proper given name.


    Gabriel Unterjohnston

  • At 2:58 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, I don't know about "likely," but when we were out to dinner the other night, I kind of hinted to Anthony that I didn't get why he married Therese, and that is what he told me, that Therese was captivating, and into dancing and singing and playing piano and whatever else, it was kind of weird though, as he was telling the story, he kept sneaking looks at the palm of his hand, I asked why he was doing that and he said, "I'm following my notes--I mean, following up on a noteworthy rash that seems to have developed on my palm," and I did think I saw some weird blue-and-black pattern on there, but I didn't look closer, creepy skin conditions freak me out, I get faint, like at school, the other day this kid came in with this cut or something and he was bleeding everywhere and I managed to ignore it until he raised his hand and said, "Miss Patterson, I feel faint!" and I said, "Well, go to the nurse to get her to put pressure on it or something," and I sent him off to the nurse by himself, I was really very annoyed that he interrupted my slideshow on Native powwows, it's the one I made with the pictures Mom took at Mtigwaki, it was so rude of him, but anyway, Anthony told me this stuff, so I believe it.


  • At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. My eyes are still watering from the laughter. Deanna came running over to see what I was reading and she said, “Did you write something new about the Kelpfroths, Mike?” I showed her your Blog entry and my Deanna had to sit down she was laughing so hard. Then my kids came in and they wanted to know what was going on, since they had never seen Deanna and me laughing at the same time before. They didn’t get your joke; so we had to explain that Deanna and I were at a New Years’ Eve party in 2004 with Anthony and Thérèse, and we got to see them dancing together and it wasn’t pretty. I said, “Just imagine your Uncle Anthony in a fancy suit dancing with a woman wearing an elegant evening gown.” Then my kids got the joke, and they laughed too. Some things are just so funny they transcend age boundaries.

    Your post was hysterical. Keep up the good work! I can’t wait to see what you write tomorrow.

    Michael Patterson

    P.S. (If you run into a Gabriel Oliver Unterjohnston, please tell him that my book Stone Season is not a rip-off of his book, Gravel Time, and when my book is a best-seller and declared the great Canadian novel; he will see who is right and who was wrong.)

  • At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Lyric Unterjohnston said…

    Well, April, I don't know why you even question what Liz is telling you that Anthony said! Liz, my sister Melody is the same exact way when I tell her things about Antonio. What is it with these teenage sisters?

    Lyric Unterjohnston

  • At 3:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, there's, like, 2 of u? this is so scary!


  • At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I have been in Mr. Caine’s house enough times baby-sitting, so I can tell his story about being in a dance competition is true. The other night, he had spent some time marking his hands before he went out with your sister. I took the opportunity to ask him about this trophy I had seen on his mantle and I always wondered what it was, because of its unusual shape.

    Mr. Caine replied it was a trophy he and his ex-wife had won during their university days when they competed in ballroom dancing. Then I asked Mr. Caine why the trophy had hogs on it. He explained that the competition including not only ballroom dance but other contests like hog calling, cow milking, log sawing, and nail driving. The whole idea made me a little faint. However, I can report to you that Mr. Caine was not lying, at least not about that.

    I think some of the other things were true too. After Mr. Caine left on his date, I pointed to the trophy and I said to his daughter, little Françoise, “Did you know your Pater has won awards for dancing?” She said, “Oh yes. He danced with mommy. She played the piano. She sang songs. Everyone loved her.” I said, “How do you know?” Little Françoise, “Grandma. Mommy’s mommy told me. She showed me videos.”

    I said, “And your Mater was singing and playing the piano on the videos?” Little Françoise said, “Yes. She was good. People clapped. I miss mommy. Daddy says Liz will be better than mommy. Liz got me a sundae. It was good. Just don’t watch Liz eat. It will make you sick.”

    You see, dearest future sis, I don’t think what your sister said was fabricated. It just may need a layer of interpretation to properly understand it.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 4:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 filling in those deets, honoria.


  • At 7:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm tired of the # 8. :(


  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am fond of the number 8.

    My dinner last night with Beatrice Alfarero was quite odd. I know you worked with Beatrice when you worked at Lilliputs’, which you are not doing now you are in Winnipeg. I don’t know how much Beatrice told you about her relationship with me, or if you have gathered up scraps of information in the bits and pieces you may have picked up from casual conversation. I apologize in advance if it seems like I am just making up things at random, which don’t match what you have heard before in any way, shape, form or fashion. For you to understand how my dinner with Beatrice went, I will have to explain a little about our history together.

    When she was a young girl, Beatrice Alfarero ("Potter" in Spanish!) moved moved to the United States from Argentina with her family, which consisted of her parents and her brother and sister. Her family was well-off and very protective of her. She graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in archaeology and worked in the Yucatan uncovering parts of Tulum. But after working there for a little less than 2 years, she got homesick and she came back to the United States to live with her parents. That’s what she told me, anyway, and so I have to take that as fact. I suspect there was something else to motivate her, but I am not certain what it was. All Beatrice would tell me for sure is that she felt as if her time in the Yucatan helped her grow up.

    While she was living with her parents, Beatrice decided to try her hand at writing and wrote a children’s book based on her archeological background. It was called The Tale of Tulum Rabbit. At the time I was working for a publisher called Frederick Warne & Co in the mail room / pastry shoppe (where I honed my pastry-making skills). The publisher was a man named Norman Warne, who was the son of the man who started the publishing company, and who dated Beatrice in high school. Her parents strongly encouraged a relationship between Beatrice and Norman, and eventually they became engaged. It was this same publisher who agreed to take on Beatrice’s book, so Beatrice visited the building where I worked fairly often.

    It was about this time, Beatrice came into the Frederick Warne & Co mail room / pastry shoppe to see if we had any empanadas. We did not, but I offered to make her one from scratch. In the brief conversation we had over empanada-making, we fell in love. This was a surprising development for me, since I am gay. However, Beatrice had every quality I was looking for in a mate. If had made a list, I would have checked everything off, except for her gender. I was crazy about her, even though the idea of it was very distressing.

    I remember sitting with Beatrice in a grassy park, and she took my hand and asked me to wait for her to end her relationship with Norman. I agreed. Then Beatrice asked me to not to tell anyone about us until then. I also agreed to that. As it turned out, it didn’t take that long. Norman fell ill of pernicious anemia and died within a few weeks. Beatrice and I were free and clear to marry.

    However, Beatrice’s parents disagreed. The could not see their daughter married to a gay mail room guy / pastry chef, no matter how good his empanadas were. They had a tremendous fight when Beatrice took her parents to see me perform in a light opera production of The Abduction from the Seraglio as Constanza. I thought my performance went very well, but when I went to speak to Beatrice and her parents after the show, while wearing my full costume, Beatrice told me she could never see me again. She could never marry a poor man, who performed wearing a wig and a dress. Never had a criticism of a performance struck me so hard. Before then I thought I was sophisticated and elegant. I sang and played the opera. I was outgoing and fun to be with. I had great legs, and I looked divine in red. Beatrice captivated me and I her, or so I thought. I thought I was captivated, but really I was capsized.

    Devastated, I left the United States and moved to Madagascar for a job as a lemur trainer, but that’s a different story.

    Beatrice, on the other hand, went to Cancun for a long vacation. It was there she met her soon-to-be husband, who was on military leave from the US Navy, William Heelis. They married and she moved with him to where he was stationed in San Diego. He was a pilot for the US Navy. During her time in San Diego, Beatrice had 2 daughters 2 years apart and also published her second and third books The Tale of Squirrel Nut-Tulum and The Tale of Mrs. Tulum-Winkle. Unfortunately for Beatrice, William was killed while flying on duty in Afghanistan and she faced a life raising two daughters alone. Her parents offered to take Beatrice in again and even offered her their house and their furniture as her own, with the only requirement that Beatrice look through old family albums with her daughters. The prospect of spending the rest of her life looking through photo albums terrified Beatrice. She sought to escape from her parents’ influence, and like her brother living in Toronto, and her sister in Guelph before her; she left the United States for the fresh air and National Health Care of Canada.

    It was there she was hired by your mother to work at Lilliputs’ to replace Kortney Krelbutz and it was there our paths crossed again.

    Now you have a little of Beatrice’s and my history. There is more to tell, but I am a little too emotional to tell the rest of that story just now. I think I will wait until tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, what a story, howard! u r rite, there r sum bits and pieces i've heard abt bea's past, but most of that was stuff I never knew! i understand abt this b-ing emotional 4 u.



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