April's Real Blog

Saturday, August 18, 2007

More than I wanted 2 know

Dad sent me an e-mail telling me, "April, I'm still a clever fox!" Which made me think, "Bwuh?" Then he backed up and sed that the night of Mom's recent visit w/Gramps, they were getting ready 4 bed, both of them in th bathroom, and he suddenly noticed their bodies were oddly proportioned and that Mom was downright short an' stumpy compared 2 the bathroom sink, which seemed to be built at a weird angle. And the picture on the wall didn't share the same perspective as the mirror that Mom was looking in2, over the sink. And that 2 take his mind off all this, he asked Mom, "How's yr dad?" Mom told him that there's "no change" and that "he's very bad-tempered--which is so hard on Iris." Dad, following Mom into the bedroom, which seemed really big considering the size of the TTH, told Mom, "Growing old isn't easy, Elly. NE1 who's over 80 and doesn't complain has my sincere admiration." Wow, does that mean he holds nothing but contempt 4 the over-80 peeps who DO complain? NEway, Mom answered, "Dad has suffered so much. He's lucky 2 have such a dedic8ed partner. I wonder which one of us will B taking care of the other." Dad sez he got a sudden inspiration, and sed, "I don't know, but we cd start practicing now." And he stretched out on the bed, belly down, 2 get Mom 2 rub his back. And Mom did so, while saying, "U have no shame." And Dad tells me he was all, "...Not when it comes 2 back rubs!"

He wrote, "April, that moment reminded me of those good old days in the early 80s, when I'd make some comment about keeping the little woman in her place, and your mother would over-react. Boy did that take me back." Ooh, I've heard abt those days, of "Chauvinist Dad." Now he's just known as "Choo-Choo Johnny." Ppl who knew him well back in the 80s tell me 2 B glad he spends so much time playing w/his trains.


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  • At 10:46 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I knew dad back in the 1980s, and I appreciated "Chauvinist Dad." When "Chauvinist Dad" was around, if there were any coffee cups or frozen vegetables flying through the air, they were aimed at his head, and not mine. If there was any growling or screaming at the top of a certain mom’s lungs, "Chauvinist Dad” was the one getting it. I remember when I was little thinking, “Go, Chauvinist Dad, go! You can stop the screaming and the throwing. Just because she pegged you in the head with that skillet, doesn’t mean you can’t shake it off and keep going. Say something else sexist, dad! You can do it.” But, as you know, thanks to constant head injuries and a lessened ability to hear well, "Chauvinist Dad” was replaced by "Choo-Choo Johnny” who hides in his workshop whenever mom goes on one of her tears. I think he deserves a back rub or two after all the abuse he took in the 1980s; just as long as mom doesn’t go for a head rub too. I think dad’s head is still a little soft in some of those places where his skull has coffee cup indentations.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I think my Pater convinced my Mater one time to rub his back, but soon regretted it, because Mater’s fingers are so elegantly thin and her nails so elegantly long; it was not long before Pater’s back was red with scratches and not rubs. Something to remember, if you marry my brother Gerald and you don’t want to end up rubbing his back---long fingernails. Pater has never asked Mater to do that again.

    I must say that Pater does not understand Dr. Patterson’s statement, “Anyone who's over 80 and doesn't complain has my sincere admiration." Since Pater is a psychologist, people who complain are his bread and butter, so to speak. He said, “I would think old people with bad teeth, who actually are willing to complain about their bad teeth, would get a similar response from Dr. John Patterson. He makes his living off of them.” I think I remember you saying your father only works a few hours a week or something like that now he is getting close to retirement. Perhaps he has never really liked most of the people he meets in his profession. As Mater says, “Dr. Patterson prefers skinny, middle-aged women for his clients.” I think this is one of the reasons, Mater prefers your father’s associate Dr. Callahan, even though I think she went to your dad for her dentistry for quite some time before he got an associate. She won’t say much about what happened when she was your father’s patient, except to say she is glad she doesn’t have to hold a chainsaw when she gets a dental checkup anymore.

    As for me, if my fiancé Bronson van Daam asked me for a back rub, I would gladly give him one. The idea of running my hands across his muscular, manly back is not anything I would avoid. Of course, right now, I am vacationing with the van Daam family and Bronson is getting a back massage from a professional masseur. I think I will take notes what back-rubbing techniques Bronson likes.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 11:22 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I decided to finish composing my speech for the Jeremy Jones Memorial Service sitting outside my house, which is 2 houses down from yours, when I looked over to your house and saw your dad wandering around outside in just his striped briefs. It was shocking. I expected your dad to be pasty white. I expected your dad to have no chest or body hair of any sort. What I didn’t expect was that your dad had a woman’s body. I know your dad and your mom’s faces have grown to look more and more alike since I have known them, but I did not know it had extended to their bodies also. Did your dad get implants? How did he get his hips to sway out like that? Is this some kind of plot for your mom and dad to change places and nobody notices?

    My mind is reeling from the implications, but somehow it makes sense. Why are your mom and dad so anxious to get you to move from the house? They said it was to make room for a renter, but maybe it’s to get rid of witnesses. Why do your mom and dad never help out Iris and your grandpa Jim? Because they are too busy trying to switch bodies. Could this be the secret how your dad manages to keep looking young, while the rest of the men in Milborough are prematurely aging?

    What can you tell me, April?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Laura Cruikshank said…

    Howard, April was using my computer to check on her blog comments just now, and suddenly I found her kind of twitching while muttering something like, "Dad in boxers. Morphing. Changing places with Mom. The horror."

    I came over here to read the comments and see what she was reacting to. Based on her reaction, I am guessing she has no inside knowledge of whatever plan Uncle John and Aunt Elly might have underway.

    April and I have been discussing Aunt Elly's visit with April's grandfather Jim and step-grandmother Iris. I thought some of April's readers might be interested in some of the things that have happened lately with April's other grandparents, our Grandma Carrie and Grandpa Will.

    Even though the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979 declared that Pattersons and Richardses are equal, we all know that Aunt Elly has been known to comment that a Patterson is a second-rate Richards. And she thinks that my parents and I don't know that she's also said that a Cruikshank is a second-rate Patterson, and therefor a third-rate Richards.

    Well, in light of all that, Grandma Carrie and Grandpa Will often have the feeling that, as neglected as Jim and Iris sometimes appear to be, they get oodles of attention and "play" compared to the "other" grandparents.

    My mom and dad were a bit surprised to hear how seldom Aunt Elly seems to visit her father. Mom, Dad, and I see Grandma Carrie and Grandpa Will every day--if they don't come over to our house, we go over to theirs. Mom likes to make sure they're in good health (they've been amazingly healthy considering their advanced age) and that their spirits are high. Often, she takes Grandma Carrie out for shopping and "girl talk," or Dad and Grandpa Will go fishing together for some male bonding.

    I told my parents about Aunt Elly and Uncle John's discussion about who will have to care for whom. They found this all a bit distressing, since they long ago made arrangements for their own longterm care, along with living wills and related legal documents. No back rubs were involved.

    Thanks, Howard, for sending April that "Vegan Cooking from Around the World" cookbook. She's been cooking up a storm, and although my family's been the meat-and-potato type from way back, she's made the most delicious middle-eastern, Indian, Japanese, and Greek dishes that we've all enjoyed. She's been bringing little samples of these to the Patterson grandparents' place, too, and I had to laugh when Grandma Carrie commented, "Thank God you didn't make a tuna noodle casserole with melted cheese, like your mother would have! It's really our least favourite." She's also glad that we didn't ask her about Grandpa Will's moods right in his hearing range. "That would be such an insult to him!" she said.

    Michael, I vaguely remember Uncle John back in his "Chauvinist Dad" years. This was around the time when you and I were the same age and Lizzie was the one tagging along and getting in our way. It was disconcerting when I went a bunch of years without aging, until I was the same age as Liz. But strange things happen to our clan, eh?

    Laura Cruikshank

  • At 3:22 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I hope my message to you didn’t cause you some serious harm, and hope this message finds you recovered from twitching and muttering, and back to making meals with Vegan Cooking from Around the World. Your cousin didn’t seem too concerned about your health, since she wrote that long message and didn’t take you to hospital, so I presume your condition was temporary.

    I just got back from the memorial service, and I thought you might want to know what happened. The Jeremy Jones Memorial Service was interesting, to say the least. No open casket or anything like that. Apparently his body was crushed beyond recognition by the weight of all those Dutch tulips last Saturday, and what was left wasn’t worth viewing. They had to identify him by his dental records, from his visits to your dad.

    You will be happy to know that there were people in attendance at the Memorial Service, so it was not a repeat situation of the time you went to visit him in hospital all those years I ago. I was a little peeved by the sign the Johnston Institute for Better Living put up, which said, “Unrepentant Villain” outside the area. I know you sent a letter trying to dispel that status, but I suppose you were ignored and not paid attention to. As usual.

    Sergeant Brad Luggsworth was there. He recounted his life as a villain in school, and how he used to beat up your brother. He almost didn’t get past this point for the cheering which erupted from the congregation attending the service. He said life may have been different for Jeremy, if he had only had a male Patterson to abuse instead of a female one. He talked about how his own life turned around when it was suggested that his aggressive nature be turned into an acceptable career which valued aggressive natures, i.e. the military followed by the police force. He said that maybe Jeremy could have had the same thing happen to him, if his life had not been cut tragically short. I think he was referring to the Anti-Supercilious Special (A.S.S) needs kids groups which have sprung up lately, and maybe Jeremy would have found a place with them. Personally, I don’t think Jeremy would have made a career out of insulting special needs kids; but thanks to the negative publicity generated thanks to the YouTube recording of Shannon Lake’s cafeteria speech and the Hearts Together telethon, it might have been possible.

    The next speaker was Kortney Krelbutz. She talked about her life working for your mom, and her need to make a little extra money because your mom paid her so poorly, which led to her cheque-forging activities. She said if she had only been paid a living wage, she would not have become a villain and resorted to a life of crime. Then she broke down in tears saying, “I know what it’s like to be an unrepentant villain, Jeremy! To never be given a decent chance!” She had to be led away from the microphone, she was crying so hard.

    Candace Halloran was the next speaker. She spoke about her life with your sister, and how if it weren’t for her mother’s boyfriend trying to molest her, she would have never broken out of her villain status. She compared her home life to Jeremy’s home life with his dad leaving; but then she pointed out that you never truly get rid of that villain status, no matter what you do. She mentioned how your sister and all her friends snubbed her at the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding. Of course your sister snubbed everyone at that wedding except Anthony Caine, but I could see her point.

    After her, was Eric Chamberlain. He said, “Ladies and Gentlemen. Don’t hate me because I am beautiful.” This led into a discussion that sometimes villainy was not something you started with, but something that you developed in reaction to something. He said, “You find a girl, and you live with her. Then the next thing you know, she is a never-ending source of complaints. ‘You don’t clean. You don’t cook. All your friends say you are scum, and I should break up with you.’ I think Jeremy Jones started off good and trying his best, but the shame and public humiliation were too much for him. It was too much for me when I was 20. How could a 10-year-old handle the humiliation of having to hear a song mocking him for the rest of his short life?” The crowd starting singing the “Germy Wormy, Jeremy Jones” song, and I was very, very happy you were not there for that part.

    All the way from Mtigwaki were Constable Paul Wright and his girlfriend Susan Dokis. They spoke more or less as a team. The constable said, “Boozhoo. I am Constable Paul Wright. I work to uphold the law. I work to maintain the traditions of my people, the Ojibway. I try to keep people safe. I don’t sound like much of a villain, do I? Am I a villain?” Then he held up a certificate from the Johnston Institute for Better Living, which I guess has him listed a villain, but the print was too small for me to read. Nevertheless, his point came across. As he held up the certificate he said, “Yes. I am.” Then Susan Dokis said, “I am Susan Dokis and I am a school teacher for the Mtigwaki School. I have devoted my life to helping children learn and to respect the traditions of my people. I have had to overcome the poor teaching of the white teachers who came before me, who treated their job like it was some kind of adventure. I want the kids to survive and prosper in our world, and not just to learn how to tell jokes and disrupt a class. Am I a villain?” Then she held up her sign, too. Then she said, “To me the true villains of this world are the ones who think a life helping people is just a grand adventure, to be thrown off at a whim. The true villains of this world are the ones, who ignore their family and friends for the sake of making a bad pun.” This got quite a bit of applause. Susan said, “I have heard Jeremy Jones did not make bad puns. If he is a villain, then we are proud to be villains with him. I think the world needs more villains like Jeremy Jones. The world is a sorrier place without Jeremy Jones in it.”

    Then my uncle Melville and aunt Winifred Kelpfroth got up. Melville said, “I didn’t know Jeremy very well, but I knew what he was up against. Winnie and I tried to buck the system, to make our feelings known through the proper channels, and we nearly got burned alive for our efforts, while the so-called heroes of this world actually directed the firefighters to ignore us. I have burn scars on me that I will have for the rest of my life, but compared to Jeremy Jones, I am lucky. I came out of it alive.” My aunt Winnie added to Jeremy’s mother, “Our hearts are with you, Mrs. Jones.”

    Next up was Thérèse Caine. She said, “Merde. The afternoon I have had before I got here. Jeremy Jones I do not know well. I do vraiment know what it is like to have people say things they have fabriqué about you. Les heroes de Milborough worked hard to break up my marriage for years. They say I am too jealous. What kind of bon peuple break up a marriage, and take mon enfant away from me? I know Jeremy Jones would never try to do that. He came from a broken marriage. That does not make someone bad. Ma petite fille is not mauvaise, just because she comes from a broken marriage. Neither was Jeremy Jones.”

    Then it was my turn. I said, “Friends and relatives of Jeremy Jones. I know what it is like to be a villain. I pulled a shirt for a little money, but it was the wrong shirt on the wrong person, and I faced a record-breaking long trial which put me in jail. Almost 2 years jail time for pulling a shirt. When I first met Jeremy Jones, he was working sound and lights for Becky McGuire. He was exceptionally talented and toured with Rebecca during her summer tour last year. When I was told Jeremy had skipped out on Rebecca at her school’s Gym Jam this past Halloween, I knew it could not be true. How could a young man, who had toured with a performer for over a year, suddenly flake out just when he was going to have the opportunity to be a part of a performance in front of all the people who had been mocking him all those years? It didn’t make sense, and of course it wasn’t true. Then I heard Jeremy had been calling special needs kids retarded, but as near as I could tell, all Jeremy Jones did was to tell someone a story would take a long time being told. Jeremy Jones was not a real villain. The real villains were the people telling all these stories about him, without ever showing any facts to back it up. The real villains are the people who think that just because someone says something, it’s true, even if it makes no sense whatsoever. The real villains are the lazy, bumblers, who sit on their chesterfields making stuff up without ever thinking about the way it affects other people. Those are the real villains. Jeremy Jones was no villain, and I am sorry he did not live long enough to prove it.”

    Then Mrs. Jones played a few songs Jeremy had written over the years his mother found in his room. I think everyone cried. There was one called, “If I’m Germy, Then What Are You?”, and apparently he liked the month of April, because there were a few songs devoted to how much he loved that month, but it didn’t seem to like him very much. Allergies, I guess.

    Overall the service went well. It was very emotional, as you would expect for when someone dies young. Mrs. Jones cried through most of the service, but a lot of people came up to her and gave her a hug and offered to do something for her to help her out, since Jeremy is gone. I will be cleaning her house. Brad Luggsworth is going to cut and trim her grass. Thérèse Caine is going to help her with financial investments. Candace Halloran offered her psychologist care to help her deal with grief. Uncle Melville said he would be happy to come over and help her fix anything she needed to have fixed around the house. It’s nice to know there are people around who know how to help people out, in a time of need.

    Again, I hope you are feeling better,
    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m ok, howard, thanx 4 asking. laura told me that her combination of veterinary training and patterson dna allowed her 2 make an instant determination that i was ok and did not require medical intervention.

    thanx 4 sharing the news abt the jeremy jones memorial. i tried 2 make arrangements 2 b there, and it was just like one of those nitemares where u r trying 2 go sumwhere and u just keep hitting obstacles. like the airline i tried 2 use suddenly didn't xxist nemore, and the next one i tried 2 use decided I didn't xxist, or the airport had an emergency lockdown, and so on.

    i tried e-mailing sum thots of mine 2 ppl who'd b there. like i had heard that u and also paul wright wd b there, but when i tried sending thoze e-mails, i'd get a weird error message saying the jifbl.org firewall had determined that i was attempting a dangerous, illegal file transfer and it was being blocked.

    so here's what i wanted 2 say:

    jeremy jones and i had known ea other since grade school. we used 2 get in2 fist fites w/ea other, and we both had 2 go 2 the principal's office. the principal wanted 2 have a meeting w/us and our parents, but my parents and i were the only ones to show up.

    things got worse when gramps gave me his old harmonica from the war and taught me how 2 play it. jeremy thru it out the schoolbus window, and since the bus driver also had a harmonica in the war, he stopped the bus and made us all look 4 it.

    the harmonica had a bunch of snow in it and was kinda banged up, but gramps was able 2 get things going. i was so upset w/jeremy that i made up that germy-wormy song. @ the time i just thot that jeremy was a mean bully w/out feelings, but it turned out that the song hurt his feelings a lot. becky, dunc, ger, and i got in lots of trub 4 singing or even humming the song.

    one day, in the summer of 2000, i got on my bike cuz i wanted 2 go 2 becky's house and tell her my 'rents were buying a store w/books and TOYS. jeremy tried 2 run me down w/his bike, and he tried 2 cut me off by going around a parked car, but didn't realize another car was coming. the woman who was driving that car didn't see jeremy until it was 2 l8. she was so stunned, she didn't know what 2 do, so i called 911 from her car fone.

    l8r, i visited him in hospital, and learned that nun of his friends had visited. this was when his mom told me and my mom that jeremy's dad, country jones, had left them when jeremy was young, and that he was a musician who played the harmonica. so that's what that was all abt.

    yrs l8r, jeremy kinda took an interest when my band rehearsed in our middle-school music room. he made sum suggestions abt tweaking the equipment, tho not directly 2 us, just 2 a teacher.

    jeremy wasn't a villain. he was a kid who had a tuff time 4 a buncha reasons, and after a while, we got 2 b friends. jeremy cd b sarcastic, and there were times when he wd say stuff u didn't want 2 hear. but u wd always know he was saying the truth.

    when he died, he was trying 2 save honoria forsythe's life. he'd discovered that the tulips were boobytrapped, and he was trying 2 get her and her now-fiancé out of the way. un4tunately, there r ppl who, b/c of what happed all thoze yrs ago w/me and the bikes and the car, assume that jeremy was "going after" honoria, and that by sheer coincidence, he just happened 2 get smushed by thoze tulips. that's not true.

    jeremy died a hero's death.


  • At 4:36 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I will be sure to pass on your thoughts about Jeremy to Mrs. Jones, when I go to clean her house in a few minutes or as soon as I stop crying. It was beautiful, April. I know Jeremy would have loved to have heard it.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, howard.


  • At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I don’t mean to disparage your account of the story of Jeremy’s death, but he was the one who booby-trapped those Dutch tulips that nearly killed Bronson and me, and he was caught in his own trap. My brother Gerald was the one who caught the only remaining living villain, Jeremy’s accomplice Benjamin Barker, who killed all the members of the van Daam family over the years. He is the real hero.

    You see a lot of people didn’t like Jeremy Jones. There may have been some who did. But you see, Jeremy has never really had an opportunity to be recognized and understood by everybody. He was just a shadow figure. And all they’ve seen is little bits and pieces. If you were to more fully explore Jeremy’s character, his relationship with his mother, his business sense and the things he likes to do; you would know he was a villain, and proud of it. To you, he’s just not a complete character and it’s hard to accept you should have lost someone that nobody really knows. You really don’t know Jeremy.

    I have seen the whole documentary, Jeremy Jones: A Life of Villainy sponsored by the Johnston Institute for Better Living, so I know all about Jeremy. I recorded it, and I will be glad to show it to you, when you get back from Winnipeg. Once you see it, you will understand Jeremy much better, and stop thinking about the Jeremy you only thought you knew.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 5:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no, honoria. U don't really know jeremy. that benjamin guy did the booby trap. don't u c, he's the one who's been killing van daam men 4 yrs an' yrs. of COURSE bronson was next on his list. if it weren' 4 jeremy u'd b dead. i luv ger and all, but all he did was say "hoo" a bunch of times cuz jeremy sed he cd.

    if i were u, i wd show sum gratitude. mayB u shd just focus on packing up yr trunk and getting ready 2 move back 2 that cashwell day school u luv so much.


  • At 6:37 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I understand you are upset about Jeremy dying. If you were to understand Jeremy was a villain, it would not be right, it would be too soon. The death leaves a very big question mark and also, what did happen to Jeremy when those flowers landed on him? I am sure you want to explore all of those things. You haven’t had a chance. When you get back to Milborough, I will show you the documentary, and it will all make sense to you. I used to think differently about Jeremy too, until I saw it.

    Show some gratitude? Of course. That’s the best way to get Mater to hand over her credit card for my Cashwell Day School preparation. You are quite right. It’s too bad you’re still in Winnipeg, or we could go shopping together. As soon as I get back to Milborough, I must set about showing Matter some gratitude at once.

    Thanks ever so much for the reminder, dearest future sister.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gratitude 2 JEREMY, honoria, not 2 yr moneybags mother. he died saving yr life. apparently he died in vain.

    i saw the "documentary," so there is no need 4 u 2 show it 2 me. i've also seen leni reifenstahl's triumph of the will. they're both equally propaganda. unlike u, i did sum actual research and talked 2 the ppl who made the so-called documentary. i got them 2 admit it was pure and unadulterated propaganda and that they were paid v. v. well 2 misrepresent jeremy's life.

    i'll pass on the shopping.


  • At 11:29 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Im rilly busy w/ the renos to Redd Hott Bajan Mammas. I havnt hurd from Beckers & if she asks I dont care.

    Charles Wallace plays The Sims alot he sent me this rilly distubing clip he made w/ his Liz & Granthony characters xcept he calls them Incompetent & Manipulative. NEway, he says he sent it 2 sum peeps he calls The Minions of the Witch. They thot it was cube & thanked him 4 not having 2 think 2 hard while the Witch is gone. Watch 4 Incompetent & Manipulative 2morrow. Dont read it w/o a barf bag, if I was in Manitoba w/ u Id steal it from yr aunties front porch b4 u saw it.


  • At 11:38 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man.

    It was Jers service 2day?

    If I was there, I wld of said,

    Hey, Jer, Im sorry u r ded. Mayb its not as bad as b-ing frozen 4 the rest of yr life, but who knows.

    U were rilly uncube abt special needs kids, but u nevah ratted on me about that fog machine @ Macbeth. That was cube.

    I dont think Im coming back 2 Mboro, but if I was I guess mayb I wld sorta miss u.

    There is 1 less person in the world 2nite 4 me 2 threaten 2 beat up.


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