Consistent?
Yo, I'm sorry I didn't post NE comments yesterday! After Cousin Laura and I finished our rounds @ the veterinary clinic, we had 2 get the horses ready cuz we were showing them @ a fair that's in town! It was really cube, they had all kindsa animals, games, carney rides, petting zoo, and a circus. Tawny won a prize 4 most sardonic expression on a horse's face.
Dunc, yup, Mom's tuna-noodle surprise is worse than her c-food surprise. Honoria, I've gotten sum thank-u e-mails from girls who r all, like, embracing their eating disorders. They sed my posts abt my mom and food have served as perfect reverse-thinspiration and they've all lost w8 b/c of them. Which makes me feel kinda guilty.
So, Iris sent me another message, via her MySpace page, continuing what I reported 2 U all in yesterday's entry. Mom knelt next 2 Gramps's chair, took him by the hand, and sed, "Dad, Iris sez U're not happy w/yr progress." And Gramps was all, "NO!" Mom: "R U walking more comfortably @ least?" Gramps: "NO!" Then he answered "NO!" 2 ea of these: "Can I get U sum tea?" "Wd U like 2 go out?" "R U Hungry?" Then Mom went back over 2 Iris, who was all, "He's been like that 4 a wk! --What shd I tell his doctor?" And Mom replied, "That he's consistent!"
Then Iris wrote, "I know your mother thinks she's helping when she tries to be funny, dear, but really I wanted to know what to say to the doctor. Something that would help him help us, you see? Saying 'he's consistent' wouldn't do that, I'm certain." Nope.
Apes
Dunc, yup, Mom's tuna-noodle surprise is worse than her c-food surprise. Honoria, I've gotten sum thank-u e-mails from girls who r all, like, embracing their eating disorders. They sed my posts abt my mom and food have served as perfect reverse-thinspiration and they've all lost w8 b/c of them. Which makes me feel kinda guilty.
So, Iris sent me another message, via her MySpace page, continuing what I reported 2 U all in yesterday's entry. Mom knelt next 2 Gramps's chair, took him by the hand, and sed, "Dad, Iris sez U're not happy w/yr progress." And Gramps was all, "NO!" Mom: "R U walking more comfortably @ least?" Gramps: "NO!" Then he answered "NO!" 2 ea of these: "Can I get U sum tea?" "Wd U like 2 go out?" "R U Hungry?" Then Mom went back over 2 Iris, who was all, "He's been like that 4 a wk! --What shd I tell his doctor?" And Mom replied, "That he's consistent!"
Then Iris wrote, "I know your mother thinks she's helping when she tries to be funny, dear, but really I wanted to know what to say to the doctor. Something that would help him help us, you see? Saying 'he's consistent' wouldn't do that, I'm certain." Nope.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:35 AM
10 Comments:
At 3:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I have a little welt on my head from when I passed out trying to read your Blog entry from yesterday, and my head hit the computer keyboard. It is most unbecoming and what is worse, I was forced to go to the doctor.
The doctor asked me all kinds of inappropriate questions, like “You’re not happy with your progress?” I said, “No. I mean yes. Stupid negative language.” Then the doctor said, “Are you able to walk comfortably at least?” I said, “Yes.” Then the doctors said, “Can I get you some tea?” I said, “No, it is not on my diet.” Then the doctor said, “Would you like to go out?” I said, “Are you asking me on a date? That is highly inappropriate. I am engaged.” Then the doctor said, “Are you hungry?” I said, “Always, but it is the only way to keep my weight down.”
Then a bunch of men burst into the room and grabbed the doctor. It turned out he was an escaped mental patient who likes to pretend he is a doctor. I realized that, all the questions being fired at me, without bothering to listen to answers, could only have been the actions of someone who was mental.
Then I got to talk to a nurse, and I told her I passed out reading about food your mother made. She said it happens reasonably often in Milborough, and I should consider myself lucky I only passed out. Based on what she said, I expect there are more girls out there who have been inspired not to eat by your mother, than those from whom you received e-mails.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 3:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. One of the interesting things about being a Patterson, is many times people assume that just because you are a Patterson, you are an expert in all things. I have noticed with mom in particular, that people ask her for medical advice or diagnosis. You may remember that right after Grandpa Jim has his stroke, you asked mom for her diagnosis. I can’t say that I am too surprised that Iris would do the same as you. I am sure you will find as you enter veterinary medicine, along with Cousin Laura and Auntie Bev, because you are a Patterson, people may defer to you for answers they think you may have. You should look out for those moments, and do like mom did…make a joke.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Ms. Patterson,
I highly recommend that you contact your grandfather's neurologist and update him or her on his condition immediately. Any significant change in attitude, behavior, and/or speech could be an indication of a problem with his health. I am concerned he may have suffered another small stroke.
Why does your family always spend a bunch of time standing around, making puns and jokes, before summoning medical help?
Sincerely but distressedly yours,
Dr. Ura Bunchov-Moronz
Board-Certified Neurologist
At 4:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
it's too bad yer not in town, and can't go visit him. that mite cheer him up! i remember that time you posted about the day it rained, and you went to see yer gramps with his dog. that was kinda corny, but really sweet and nice. i like all the posts about you spending time with your grandpa.
At 5:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dr. Bunchov-Moronz,
How dare you question the way in which Patterson women do things, that is not for you to judge, my mother knows the proper amount of puns, joking, and wordplay that has to happen before a sedate phone call is made to the proper medical personnel to alert them of a dire life-threatening emergency, it is not the Patterson way to treat serious illnesses like they are serious, if you do that, then you are just out for attention like a slutty McGuire girl or something.
Liz
At 6:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
dr. bunchov-moronz, i took yr advice an' called grandpa jim's neurologist. he wanted gramps 2 come in rite away, so i let iris know.
honoria, btw, i saw that clip from joan jett's performance @ the tulip fest u were in, u know the clip that's been circul8ing online? my fave part is where she sez, "i've played a lot of tulip fests, and this has got 2 b the weirdest damn one yet!" and u can hear a voice from the crowd going, "that's VAN daam, darling, VAN daam!"
luann, i def like 2 visit my gramps. i'm sorry 2 b 2 far away 2 do that rite now.
mike, when i had that convo w/mom in the hospital, i asked, "what happened exactly?" this wasn't me asking 4 a diagnosis, it was me asking abt the sequence of events leading up 2 the stroke. really, i xxplained all this last sept, weren't u paying attention?
apes
At 7:48 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got a call from Iris and she said, “Coward. April called me from Winnipeg to tell me that she talked to Jim’s neurologist, Dr. Blaine Foell, who wants him to come in right away, because she read something on her blog from Dr. Ura Bunchov-Moronz. Usually when a doctor says they want someone to come in right away, that means to a hospital. So I called the neurologist’s office to see if that is what they wanted me to do. I said I would like to speak to Dr. Blaine Foell, because of Dr. Ura Bunchov-Moronz recommendation; and the woman on the phone said, ‘I am not a blame fool, and we are not a bunch of morons. You kids need to stop calling Dr. Foell and making fun of his name like that.’ Then she hung up.” Can you call for me, Coward?
I tried the same thing, and I got the same response. Then I thought about it. Why would a Board-Certified Neurologist, named Dr. Ura Bunchov-Moronz be writing on your Blog in the first place? I think someone is playing a practical joke on you, April.
Howard Bunt
At 8:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Thank you ever so much. I did not know there was an online clip until you mentioned it. I had to go take a look. It is not too bad. There are some good shots of me and my fiancé Bronson van Daam. Even though I look way too fat, I still look better with Bronson holding my hand. And there were even pictures of Mater and Gerald and the pile of tulips where Jeremy Jones’s body was temporarily buried. . I do hope they got him up before he started to smell. They had to stop the excavation process in order to complete the festival activities. I do think Miss Blackguard eventually got the pronunciation of Bronson’s name right.
I was so sorry to hear your grandfather has been pronounced “consistent” by the medical community. Mater says that things in Milborough are rarely consistent, just repeated a lot.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 8:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Has it really been since last September when Grandpa Jim had his stroke? That’s almost a year and the best he can is say “No!” My son recovered from his earaches faster than that. Of course, mom has had her arm-flapping for her menopause a much longer time than a single year. Maybe Grandpa Jim’s stroke will be like that, and be a source of amusement and entertainment in our family for years to come. I know when I see mom flapping her arms and pulling on her sweaters; it makes me laugh every single time. Just thinking about Grandpa Jim saying, “No!” to everything is starting to make me giggle.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, u know, howard, i thot that a prank mite b poss, but i thot it was better 2 b on the safe side, eh? thanx 4 calling the office. but i did talk 2 the doc and tell him abt gramps having been "like that" (negative) 4 a wk, and that did concern him. so mayB even if the person was a prankster, there's cause 4 concern based on gramps's symptoms. and u had that whole "gatekeeper effect" w/the receptionist who wdn't let u thru.
honoria, it's not "miss blackguard." joan jett's name is joan jett. her band is the blackhearts.
mike, mom's been going thru menopause 4 13 yrs! it's not cube 2 find grandpa jim's medical condition amusing.
apes
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