April's Real Blog

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Washers and bad "fax" puns

Mike wrote sum stuff abt getting a new washer and dryer:
April,

Formerly little sis. Sometimes wives can be mysterious creatures. As you know, mom and dad had agreed to leave behind all their appliances when they moved, in order to provide me and Deanna with furniture, since we lost all ours in the apartment fire last December, and so mom could get all new things in your new house. I thought this was very gracious of mom and dad. However, we were not in the house for very long before Deanna had visited mom and dad and after viewing their new washer and dryer, she decided she wanted one of those too.

Obviously we couldn’t afford that, but Deanna talked to dad who talked to Gordon Mayes who gave us the card of a man who could get us a new washer and dryer, except there were some conditions. They were not the newest of new with the fancy touch-operated buttons. They still have the old-fashioned dials. We had to transport and install it ourselves from where the man had it stored in a van down by the Sharon River. It was an odd situation, but certainly worth it for the price, and especially for Deanna’s satisfaction at having a new washer and dryer.

Lawrence and Nick had barely got it into the house, when Deanna wanted to wash some clothes. She had been letting them build up. My son went along to observe his mother, and also to get his stuffed bear washed (don’t ask). My daughter was…um…I am not exactly sure where she was at the time. I was just getting ready to start working on my second novel again after Lawrence and Nick left, when I heard my lovely Deanna say, “Michael, the washing machine won’t work…and we just bought it!!

I could tell my wife’s happiness was waning. I went over to her near the washer and dryer to comfort her, but I was distracted by her low-cut blouse and said, “Hmmm…” I pretended to be thinking of a solution, when in reality, I was actually looking intently at my wife, trying to get as much height as I possibly could, in order to improve the view. I noticed my son had a fierce grip on my leg and I wondered why. I looked more carefully at my wife and saw the storm clouds overhead. My son has learned to fear his mother’s storm clouds, and I believe he did that much earlier than I did when I was growing up.

Not satisfied with my Hmmm-ing to solve the problem, my lovely Deanna decided to take the man who sold us the washer to task, in order to make herself feel better, I suppose. I heard her say, “I’m gonna call the guy who sold it to us!” Then I heard a sound I hadn’t heard in awhile, the sound mom makes when she is mad about something. It is something akin to listening to a herd of pigs snort, as you know. Who else does that kind of thing? Deanna does, when she is in a rage.

Well, I had to have something to cover that pig sound, so I checked to see if the washer and dryer were hooked up properly and discovered the washer had never been plugged in. Once I plugged it in, it made a nice “HUMMMSHHHHH” sound which covered Deanna’s noises nicely. I said, “Deanna! I forgot to plug in the washing machine! It’s OK!!!”

Then I heard Deanna complaining about not being able to contact the salesperson who sold us the washer, and she was going to…FAX him. I didn’t even know we had one of those machines, but we do. I managed to stop her just in time, by saying, “If it ain’t broke, then don’t FAX it!” That’s a hilarious joke, and I laughed and laughed the whole time Deanna was hitting me.

Wives are certainly mysterious creatures, formerly little sis.

Love,
Michael Patterson
My condolences about Dee making those Mom-like sounds when she gets angry. I wouldn't wish that on NE1. Terrible pun, by the way, esp. since I get the impression that this whole sitch happened just so U cd make up that pun. ::shudder::

Apes

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11 Comments:

  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I think I understand what you mean, but it is something that, as a Patterson, you must learn to expect. For example, I am pretty sure that no one in our family has made mention of or used a FAX machine in this century; and yet, for the sake of a good pun, we have one in our arsenal of home equipment and Deanna knows how to use it. Frankly, I was glad for it to show up, because I had been struggling with the pun before then.

    "If it ain't broke, don't F(***the pun word) it" was leading me to words a Patterson simply does not say.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, outta curiosity--can u find the fax machine now? u saw dee abt 2 use it, tho u never had one in the house b4 that moment. go 2 where u saw it, and lemme know if it's disappeared.

    it's weird what'll happen just so a patterson can pun.

    apes

     
  • At 7:28 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Certainly I can find the FAX machine. Give me a moment....

     
  • At 7:28 PM, Anonymous honoria delaney-forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Mater, my Jeremy flower and I are off to the annual Dutch tulip festival, which Mater attends every year as I am sure my brother Gerald would have told you, if he shared any part of his family's life with you. As we left, I told Gerald to tell you we were off to the Dutch tulip festival as usual, and he seemed to be oblivious that there was such a thing. He said, "Hoo!" as we left, which I suppose was his way of saying, "Goodbye."

    As I have mentioned before, it is my hope that my Jeremy flower, with his expertise in sound equipment and mocking people, will be able to repair the decrepit sound system used at the Dutch tulip festival grounds while mixing with higher class snobbery. It would be truly excellent if the people who manage the festival have had troubles each year with the sound for no other reason than they were like your brother, and had not plugged the equipment in, but I fear the people running the festival are far more competent than your brother, and the solution will not be that simple. Rest assured, Jeremy will not be using a FAX machine to call a repairman. He has brought plenty of equipment to make repairs himself.

    Just between you and me, April, I sometimes think that your brother, in his zeal to make his little puns, often ignores the fact that his stories make him appear as a fool. I am glad you appear to be made of sterner stuff.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 7:29 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, on the road 2 sum tulip festival w/honoria & her mom. i hadda sneak food w/me, cuz honoria barely eats & wen she is w/her mom she iz evn worse. 4tun8ly, honoria'z mom spends a lotta tyme in the washroom, so wen we stop 4 a washroom break, i have plenty of tyme 2 get out my food frum where i hid it in my sound equipment & eat it b4 she is done.

     
  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky finally got up from playing the Gems video game you got her from Duncan Anderson in Barbados last week. She said to me, "Howie. Congratulate me, I beat the game. I am really hungry for some reason." Then I gave her some food and explained she hadn't eaten or moved from the Gems video game for about a week. She seemed to be really confused by that. She said, "No. Howie. I only played that game for a few hours." So I had to show her newspapers, internet clocks and the like to convince her. Then she said, "Howie! You idiot! Why did you let me play that long? Why didn't you just pull the plug on the game?" I tried to explain what I learned during the deprogramming sessions I went through when my parents used experts to try to convince me I wasn't gay, which is: If it ain't going to be fixed, then don't break it.

    Becky seemed unconvinced. She said, "It's just a video game, Howie. It's not some hypnotic mind-link taking over my mind and making me do things I don't want to do. By the way, do we have any spare money about for investing in goat-farming businesses in Barbados?" I told her we didn't. Then she asked if we had any goat's milk or goat cheese in the house. Just to let you know, if you want any of those products, we have plenty of them now. We bought out the grocery store. As for the Gems video game you got us, I accidentally broke it, so don't try to fix it.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 7:34 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I couldn't find the FAX machine, so I asked Deanna where it was. And she told me all these places to look, like the living room, our bedroom, the downstairs office, her sewing room, etc., etc. I looked all those places and couldn't find it. Then I said to Deanna, "I looked in all those places and I can't find it and that's the FAX." Then there it was right in front of me beside Deanna. I felt pretty silly, it was there by Deanna the whole time.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 7:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, ger an' i r on our way over 2 that dutch tulip festival that honoria was talking abt. he didn't wanna, cuz it's usually a stodgy event fulla no-fun uptite peeps. but this yr they have joan jett and the blackhearts playing, just like she did @ albany, new york's tulip fest this past may. it's gonna b so cube!

    mike, r u sure that fax machine was there the whole time? mayB yr fax/facts pun made it reappear!

    apes

     
  • At 11:42 PM, Anonymous honoria delaney-forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Mater was quite surprised when you and brother Gerald showed up getting off the bus at the Dutch tulip festival. She said, "Gerald, dear. I am on the tulip festival committee, and we are going to be here for days setting up. You know it's not going to be a one-day affair, don't you?" The look on Gerald's face was priceless. The look on my Jeremy flower's face when he realized he was going to be sharing a hotel room with Gerald was also priceless.

    I, however, am quite excited to be sharing a room with you instead of Mater. It will be just like a sleepover. I haven't any of those since...I suppose it was the year I was sent to the Cashwell Day School for the first time. 6 years old, I think. That's quite a while. I hope I haven't lost my skills at pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, or the game where you keep a balloon in the air for the longest time.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 11:42 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur bf is a freak. i have never seen a guy so freaky w/wut he duz b4 he goez 2 bed. if u evah marry this guy, ur gonna b in 4 a big surprise.

     
  • At 11:43 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. I must say that when you tell secrets with your girlfriends, you don't hold back. Goodness. This is a lot better than that balloon game.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

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