April's Real Blog

Friday, August 03, 2007

Lying in bed accepting my lot in life

So after Dad WHUMPed me w/that pillow 4 calling him "square," Mom's voice came from their room all, "Quit making such a racket!" Dad left my room and I got myself ready 4 bed.

As I was lying in bed, I had this weird feeling of having my brain programmed. Like some1 was overwriting part of my brain. Freaky. And all the while, I was having the most stilted, self-effacing thots: "I guess I do have a good life. I have a good family. I'm not 2 dumb and I'm not 2 ugly. I'm good @ music, and I'm good @ math. I think I know what I want in life.... and if I work hard--I'll get there. I have cool friends ... not 2 many enemies. I know how 2 cook an' how 2 look after myself. I guess I have nothng 2 complain abt!" Then I rolled over, closed my eyes, smiled, and thot, "But.....I'll find stuff." Yeah, like mayB I'll think of how no1 thanked me 4 all the accommodations I made when we were all crammed in2 the old house. Or the fact that my idiot brother doesn't believe me that I'm still in Milborough. Speaking of which, I'm on my way over there so he can C 4 myself. What is his prob, NEway? He gets misdelivered letters from sum1 else and suddenly he won't believe I'm still here?




  • At 7:43 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm writing this from our, er, from mike an' dee's house. when i got here, mike was pouring cereal 4 the littles and dee was rushing around getting ready 4 work.

    mike: oh, nice try, april. like showing up here in person is enuf 2 convince me that u're still here and not in winnipeg. no, merrie, let daddy pour the milk!

    merrie: merrie do! merrie do!

    mike: okay, but b careful!

    [merrie tries 2 pour milk in2 her cereal, spills the milk, cries.]

    mike: do u realize u're crying over spilled milk?

    dee: mike, don't ask yr daughter trick questions, help her clean the milk, for goodness' sake! oh, hi, april! what brings u here?

    me: mike doesn't believe i'm here! he thinks i'm in winnipeg!

    dee: mike, that's ridiculous! u can c 4 yrself that april's standing rite here!

    mike: an ordinary mortal mite fall 4 such amateurish tricks, but i'm a writer! i've c'n the letters that april sent!

    dee: r u still going on abt those misdelivered letters that melody unterjohnston sent 2 oliver, down the street?

    mike: hmph! "melody unterjohnston!" like i believe that!

    dee: don't b stupid, mike. melody is that blonde who stopped by w/the welcome basket shortly after we closed on the house. remember, u stared @ her 4 a full seven minutes and then referred 2 her as a "sylphan lovely." then yr mother came along and "borrowed" all the muffins from the welcome basket.

    mike: oh, was that melody unterjohnston? i thot i'd imagined that episode. u know how writers r.

    dee: i'm afraid so.

    robin: cereal! wobbin want cereal.

    me: [helping clean up the milk and pour cereal 4 robin] mike, wd u admit that i'm here?

    mike: what wd b the fun in that?

    dee: don't b a horse's rear, mike. here. [takes his hand, puts it on my arm] c, yr sister april is HERE. admit it.

    mike: cheeze and crackers, the women in my family r no fun @ all. xxcept 4 mom. well, april, since u're here, u mite as well babysit my son and daughter while i get sum writing dun. i'll b over where mom useta have the computer set up 4 bill paying.

    me: w8, i was just passing thru on my way 2....

    mike: thanx, sis, u're a life-saver! gotta print out sum more chapters and lay them out on the floor.

    me: y wd u do...

    [mike dashes out of earshot.]

    me: i really brot this on myself, didn't i?

    dee: 'fraid so. well, gotta go. oh, by the way, robin has a touch of diarrhea 2day and he's been having lots of "accidents" l8ly. bye!

    well, i'm stuck here until i can get mike outta his imaginary windjammer world.


  • At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Samuel Norman Clavin said…

    Hello, Miss Patterson, Friends, and Family.

    I am the letter carrier for the Sharon Park Drive Neighbourhood in Milborough. I'm a rookie, and I must apologize for the mix-up I perpetrated by delivering Miss Melody Unterjohnston's letters to the Patterson home instead of to the Unterjohnston home. This is such an embarrassment, and I ask that you please not report me. I come from a family of postal carriers, and if this job does not work out for me, I will bring shame to my entire clan.

    Thanks for your understanding.

    Samuel Norman Clavin

  • At 8:56 AM, Anonymous Melody Unterjohnston said…

    Hello, April, my cousin Lauren and her neighbour Laura directed me to your blog. I was wondering why my brother Oliver had not been answering my mail. I've been sending him "epistles" from Winnipeg for the past month, and frankly I threw in some pretty graphic descriptions of neutering various male animals just to get some kind of reaction from my brother. Sometimes I feel as if I'm talking to a wall when I'm trying to communicate with him, but I'm not sure you'd understand what that's like.

    Melody Unterjohnston

  • At 8:58 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, melody, i so totally understand. hey, u will totally hafta come over 2 my aunt bev, unk danny, an' cousin laura's place when i get 2 winni this coming wk. they're planning on having a hootenanny in my honour when i arrive. if u play a musical instrument, u shd totally bring it!


  • At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Oliver Unterjohnston said…

    Melody, after reading that most recent epistle of yours, I fear you more than ever!

    Oliver Unterjohnston

  • At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Melody Unterjohnston said…


    April, I'm definitely going to the hootenanny, and so are my Aunt Beth, Uncle Don, and Cousin Lauren.


  • At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Stuart Smalley said…


    Repeat after me: I’m Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! Now don’t you feel better?

    Stuart Smalley

  • At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Rosemary Mayes said…


    Why are you taking my job? Your brother said you were gone to Winnipeg and I get to baby-sit his kids. Don’t you have some cool friends you can hang out with?

    Rosemary Mayes

  • At 11:31 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur gonna b in a hootenanny? i’m glad i don’t hafta go 2 a farm in the summer. if hadda b in a hootenanny, i wud b considerin’ suicide. i means wussup w/u goin’ every year? ur bro & ur sis only went once, & u’ve been the last 2 summers. i keep gettin’ this feelin’ that 1 of these dayz, u’ll go 2 the farm & nevah come back.

    u know it’s strange, but i wuz kinda thinkin’ similar thots az u were the othah night wen i wuz goin’ 2 bed. i thot, “my life isn’t too bad. my ‘rents r divorced. i’m pretty ugly, but i still have a gf. i’m pretty dumb, but i am not failin’ classes. i’m good @music & thass i wut i wanna do w/my life & of course thass wut i am doin’ w/my life. i got friends w/sum cool issues. i don’t live in fear of my enemies like i usedta. my teachers don’t like me, & @least 1 of them haz it out 4 me. i know howta cook & i have hadda take care of my dad b4 wen he wuz 2 drunk 2 do it himself, so i know i can do it. i guess i have plenty 2 complain about, but…y bothah.”

    weird, eh?

  • At 11:36 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so glad we got to talk last night, when you had your sleepover with Becky. Becky is up to 1947 with the Gems video game you got her, in case you were interested.

    Just remember what we talked about. I don’t want to hear any of this “I’m not too dumb and I’m not too ugly” stuff. You are a beautiful, intelligent, and powerful young woman. Becky would tell you this too, if she ever stopped playing Gems.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:46 AM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    Why didn't you think you were the nicest girl in Milborough? That's what I would have thought, if I were you.

    I am kind of like you. I have a good family. My mom actually spent the whole 24 hours at the telethon with me. I’m special needs, and my cleft palate makes me sound different from other kids. I’m not too ugly, but I would like it if my mom let my bangs grow out longer like yours. I’m good at comforting people (as you know) and I’m good at making roket ships and apartments in my imagination. I have a lot of special needs friends and you too, April. I think my teachers like me, but I don’t really remember any of them since our home ec teacher, Mrs. Potts. I know how to cook, thanks to home ec. I want to get my Towards Independent Living certification so I can live by myself. I also made my speech in the cafeteria, so now no one makes fun of me anymore. I do have a lot of people who talk to me about my speech though. I have nothing to complain about. Besides, mom says that special needs kids don’t live as long as most people, so I should consider every day a blessing.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Luann DeGroot said…


    That's too bad you weren't the ones to send those letters to Mike. When he said that you wrote about about neutering male animals, I LOLed.

  • At 1:57 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I must admit you have inspired me. I decided to take your little bout of night time self-realization and see how it applies to the hero of my second novel, Breaking the Windjammer’s Leonard Driscoll.

    Leonard sits on the warm, iron hulled deck of the S.M.S. Princess Aleksandra Janiak, after a long day peeling potatoes. He folds his arms across his potato-soaked breasts, and thinks to himself. “I guess I do have a good life here at sea. I’m with a good crew of fine sailing men. I’m not too dumb to think that just because the captain has a history of piracy, kidnapping and murder; he doesn’t enjoy the flavour of a well-peeled spud. I’m not too ugly to get the attention of the lasses in the sea port when we’re docked or my fellow sailors when we aren’t. I’m good at peeling spuds, and I’m good at peeling carrots. I think I know what I want to do with my life…and if I work hard---I’ll get there. I just know I can learn to peel onions without crying. I have cool friends, like our
    Mayan/Spanish stowaway who knows about hidden treasure and the head cook, Salty Peter. I don’t have too many enemies, just the captain and the crewmembers who used to go pirating with him. My fellow sailors like me. I know how to cook potatoes an’ how to look after myself during mutinies. I guess I have nothing to complain about! Otherwise, I might have to walk the plank.

    There’s another page of genius writing to lay out on the floor. Thanks for the inspiration, formerly little sis.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I am glad you have a good life. Mine is not as good, I afraid to say. My older brother punches my stomach. My younger brother, your boyfriend Gerald, drinks far too much and has gotten in the habit of saying, “Hoo!” a lot. I adore my Pater, and admire my Mater, as any proper daughter should. As for stupidity, I have had my moments. As for ugliness, I try to dress well, but as you know, I am a heavy girl and I never can seem to get down to size 0, like Mater. She is beautiful in her elegant thinness. I hope I can be like her someday, but my hips are so large, and the doctors say even with liposuction they won’t get smaller. Apparently there is no such thing as bone-osuction yet.

    I am not talented in music and the arts, as you and my Jeremy flower are. My grades are what you would expect going to Grade 8 in a public school, after having spent 7+ years in Cashwell Day School, a well known private school, i.e. nearly perfect. It’s not too difficult to do well, when my courses seem to be covering material I learned when I was in Grade 5. I do know what I want to do in life…and if I continue to be a lady, and marry a boy with a trust fund---I’ll get there.

    My friends I have tried to limit to those who also come from good families, and of course, since you are brother Gerald’s likely choice for a wife, naturally I have tried to include you too. As for my enemies, I must mark in the check box of the my former boyfriend Bronson van Daam’s current girlfriend, who was responsible for Bronson’s parents uncovering our underage love for each other and pressuring the school trustees to force me out of school and into the situation I am today. As for my teachers, they are a slobbering bunch of half-wits by-and-large, but they spend so much of their time disciplining the students, I really had no expectations of them.

    I don’t really know how to cook, despite the home ec class. The teacher spent so much time dealing with the special needs kids in the class, we did not learn much more than how to boil an egg, which is something not really in my diet anyway. I think when you took home ec, the special needs kids had assistants, but no one has seen them in over two years. I suspect education budget cuts, or perhaps a more malevolent reason, like dramatic tension.

    Mater has taught me very well how to marinate cotton balls in olive oil and make a meal out of that. I think I make a very good cotton ball, and I know from experience, I can live for several days on high quality dirt. My survival instinct is quite strong for a lady, and when I think of how our ancestral ladies would sometimes have to accompany their husbands in colonizing other countries, I just know I would have done well in that environment.

    I do have plenty about which to complain. Unlike you, I am quite able to find stuff. My Jeremy flower needs to lose a little weight, and his deportment needs majour work. In a few days, Mater and I will be taking Jeremy to the annual Dutch tulip festival, where I will get to show him off to my ex-boyfriend, Bronson and his current girlfriend. I know that in terms of physical appearance, grooming, breeding, intelligence, body odor, verbal acuity and trust fund, my Jeremy flower will pale in comparison to Bronson. However, my secret weapon is that the Dutch tulip festival has always suffered from an extraordinarily poor sound system, and I feel confident my Jeremy flower will uncover the problem and come off as a hero of the festival. Naturally, I will look good for being his girlfriend and being so well-dressed as to make up for any deficiencies in Jeremy’s appearance. And of course, Bronson and his family will realize what a terrible mistake they made in forcing me out of Cashwell Day School. I can’t wait to see the look on Bronson’s face when people can hear the tulip awards being handed out for the first time without any confusion on the faces of the people who can’t hear well. It will be such a sweet and subtle revenge. You know, I guess I do have a good life after all, dearest future sister.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 5:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, stuart, i'll try that.

    howard, thanx 4 the encouragement. u r rite, it is fun 2 try out diff styles on becky's hair while she's distracted playing gems. i esp. enjoyed doing the cornrows an' beads. i thot u mayB went a lil 2 far w/the paris hilton multi-coloured hair extensions, tho. btw, i m on my back 2 yr house. dee just got home, and we had paul an' rosemary mayes helping out, 2.

    jeremy, i get away from my 'rents 4 a month. wdn't u c the attraction of that?

    shannon, i'm glad u feel u have a gd life. it was nice of yr mom 2 go 2 the telethon an' stay w/u there the whole time.

    honoria, u hafta understand yr mom seez every1 differently than the rest of us do. 2 peeps who don't have an eating disorder, u look v. slim an' pretty.

    mike, luckily dee remembered 2 pay me. and thank me. bye, now.


  • At 6:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I don’t mean to be picky, but is there a reason why you left drinking glasses on top of insects in my house and this note which says, “Need to buy playing cards”? Just curious.

    Also, we got a call from the theatre group saying that they can’t read your handwriting on some notes you left them about the colours you used on rocks. On your way back to my place, maybe you can stop by there and interpret your notes. I think they really want you to type them into a computer. Of course, it’s just rocks. What difference does having the exactly correct colour make? I guess this theatre group is really picky about rocks.

    Since Becky was busy playing Gems video game and you were stuck at your brother’s house, I thought I would go and visit your Grandpa Jim and Iris. I haven’t seen them for awhile and I thought maybe your step-grandmother would have some advice for what happens when you’re supposed to get married and the bride can’t stop playing a video game to which she is addicted.

    When I got there, Iris was quite excited to see me. She said, “Coward. You’re just in time for bridge. We need a 4th hand and Jim is not quite up to it, yet.” So I sat down to play bridge, and the lady to my left said to me, “You’re not a teenager are you?” I said, “I am much too old to be a teenager.” This was a good thing to say, because then she put away her pepper spray.

    The lady to my right said, “The Ontario government is earmarking $4 million to help match living donors with people desperately in need of a new kidney or liver.” The lady to my left said, “Goodness that certainly is needed. I certainly wouldn’t want to have to depend on a teenager for a donation, since most of them have destroyed their livers with all their drinking at hootenannies. Did you hear about that bridge collapse in Minneapolis?” The lady to my right said, “Goodness, yes, I did. I wonder what caused it.” The lady to my left said, “They say improper maintenance, but I know for a fact it was teenagers. They have less control over them in the States then we do here in Milborough.”

    Then Iris said, “I am so tired of discussing the World news. I want to discuss news within our social bubble. Do either of you ladies know if Melba Frilby or Wanda O'Doon are still fighting over their dentures?” The lady to my left and the lady to my right, just stared at Iris. Finally the lady to my left said, “Iris. I know you’ve been a little out of touch lately, because you have gotten it into your head you can't leave Jim alone even when he’s sleeping. That’s why we are playing up here. But you have to know that Melba Frilby and Wanda O'Doon got into a shooting battle over their mutual boyfriend Dorce McTaggart, and none of them survived it.”

    Iris said, “Goodness. No, I didn’t know that.” The lady to my left said, “You have to know it, because there is a bullet hole in your wall over there.” Iris said, “Did it happen last month, when I was visiting my daughter, Maggie and her husband, while Jim stayed at a local senior's home?” The lady to my right said, “No, Iris. It was months ago.” Iris said, “So that’s what that noise was. I would have gone out to see, but I can’t leave Jim alone.” I said, “Iris!! What happened to those bed guards I bought you?” Iris said, “Oh, Coward. I can’t use those. What if Jim wakes up from his sleeping and the guards are in the way, and I am not there to remove them?” I said, “He waits until you get back, or he removes them himself.” Iris said, “I just can’t do that, Coward. Look, can I give you a macramé owl to make up for it?” I said, “OK.” It was a really nice owl. When get here I can show it to you.

    After bridge, we all had lasagna for lunch. Iris’s freezer was full of lasagnas, and the one we had was quite good. She gave one to me for us to have for dinner. She is sick of them.

    I’m sure Iris would like a visit from you before you go to Winnipeg. I notice none of your family wrote about visiting them in your family’s last set of monthly letters. Usually at least one of your family lies and says they have visited, but not this month.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I don’t know how to say this and make you understand without you being insulted. You have been brought up in Milborough and raised with a sister and a mother who are quite hefty. I think you have an inkling of this because, I noted when you were talking about yourself today, you said, “I’m not too ugly.” This tells me you have some sense of the social beauty standing to which you will be subjected on the blessed day you and my brother Gerald marry. In the best families in Milborough and across the province, the young ladies have learned if they don’t want to be replaced by trophy wives when they hit their middle ages, they have to be slim and pretty. It has certainly been the secret to Mater’s success in marriage, and why she is the envy of almost every lady in the Milborough Country Club.

    I do appreciate you saying I am slim and pretty. I do. It is so very gracious of you to say that. However, I know what I want to do with my life…and if I can work hard at staying thin—I’ll get there.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 6:15 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it’s 1 thing 2 get away frum ur ‘rents 4 a month & work on a farm. it’s a whole othah thing 2 go 2 a hootenanny.

  • At 6:28 PM, Anonymous Paul Mayes said…


    I don’t like baby-sitting babies. That’s Rosemary’s job. Uncle Mike made me a fishing pole out of a branch, with a safety pin tied to the end of a string and with a wad of bubble gum for bait. He said that’s how my daddy learned to fish. Daddy’s still sick from the fish he ate the other night. I have been fishing at the ravine for a long time. The only thing I caught was the postman, Samuel Norman Clavin, who said he was lost. I also caught your bunny. They were both wet, but OK. I think your bunny was trying to rescue the postman. I remember it’s not your bunny anymore. It’s Uncle Mike’s bunny. Sorry. Uncle Mike sprayed him off. Then he shook him dry. Then he said, “No more misbehaving, or I give you to Lovey Salzmann.” This is the bunny, not the postman. It would be funny if he did that to the postman.

    Paul Mayes

  • At 8:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i've been back @ howard's 4 a while. we had a v. nice dinner that becky didn't bother 2 eat. she's @ sum super-hi level of gems now, so hi i think the score has xxponents in it. she loox cute w/the afro howard is trying out on her.

    i was confused abt the whole "glass on insects and note abt the playing cards" thing he'd asked abt, but then becky's mother, krystle karen mcguire, came in and asked howard, "did u find the glasses on insects and the notes abt playing cards? i lost my cards and i keep 4getting 2 replace them. wd u b a dear and buy sum more the next time u're out shopping? and buy sum new glasses, these have insects under them. i put them there 2 help u find my note, but now i'm thinking that was pretty gross."

    btw, i'm going 2 visit gramps an' iris 2morrow afternoon.

    honoria, i'm ignoring yr comment cuz i don't like what u r implying abt my bod.

    aw, jeremy, u need 2 chill. my winni rellies say "hootenanny" cuz they think it soundz all folksy. it's really just a party they're gonna throw 4 me. peeps play music and it's really pretty cube.

    paul, don't take ne advice from my bro. he will steer u wrong.



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