April's Real Blog

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Diff But Same

When Becky finished her set, the MC guy was all, "Put yr hands 2gether 4 REBECCA[H]!!" Then, he was like, "Folks! Keep those fones ringing, keep the donations rolling in! --This is hr 4 of the gr8 'Hearts 2gether Telethon'!" Backstage, I went over 2 Ger all, "Gerald, U were gr8!" And Ger was like, "Thanx! U're on next! --Go 4 it!!" Eva and I got on stage, and I intro'ed us, "This is a song we wrote--it's called 'Everybody's Different.' But... Deep down inside ... we're really all the same." From the front row, Shannon and her mom looked up @ us w/luv in their eyes, I think. And Faith, Dylan, Jack, and Grace were clustered behind Shan.

Apes

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13 Comments:

  • At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…

    April,

    My mom and I really loved your song at the telethon. I know you said you and Eva wrote it, but everyone knows you were the songwriter because it sounded just like songs you have written before. I think you must have let Eva get a credit like Beyoncé gets credit for “writing” her songs too, for adding some words.

    I could tell you wrote the song for me. Faith, Dylan, Jack, and Grace ran up just as you were singing and pushed everyone else near me away from me because they said you wrote the song for them too, but I know better. Everyone else had their eyes closed, but I could see you were looking at me and my mom.

    When I think about you, the nicest girl in Milborough, writing a song just for me, it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I cry when I think about it, but it is happy crying. It was the best moment of my life, I think. Even better than when I saw my speech on top of the cafeteria lunch table on YouTube. You are a great musician.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

    P.S. (Mom says if you talk about your song, you might want to leave out the part where you wrote we’re really all the same because of having the same pancreas. I told mom that was probably a part you let Eva write in your song, so I bet you won’t leave it in when you talk about it tomorrow.)

     
  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. It was quite a pleasure for me to see you on the telethon singing a song both you and your friend Eva Abuya wrote. At first I was a little miffed you did not seek out the advice of your famous, profession writer brother on your song; but I quickly got over it when I saw the way the crowd cheered you on after your performance. You could tell they truly understood you were a Patterson.

    The song was touching, in the way that songs are that pander to a particular special interest group. I was almost moved to call in the telethon myself and donate some money, but my lovely Deanna informed me that she wants to redesign our kitchen and the money for that is more important than some kids wanting money for wheelchairs already provided by our government.

    She has a point, but I suspect her opinion was really based on her reaction to the picture on the telethon. The camera seemed to focus almost entirely on shots of yours and Eva’s bottoms while you were singing, as if the man handling the camera stood behind and to the side of you on the stage. I thought it was some new kind of artistic technique of getting the audience’s perspective on the act through the legs of the performer, but Deanna suspects other, less moral motivations.

    My kids didn’t mind at all, once I told them “Blue bottom is auntie April and white bottom is auntie April’s friend.” My daughter also pointed out the obvious size difference between the two of you (“Auntie April looks like Grandma Elly”), and my son noticed which one of you shook her bottom more while she sang (not you).

    They were pleased to see you and they asked why you were on the telethon. I had to explain to them you were on the telethon because you had gotten mad at your boyfriend who is normally the drummer for your band, but who was the drummer with (that slattern) Rebecca who was on the telethon before you, because you were still mad that Rebecca used to be in your band before you graduated from Grade 8, but then your special needs friend Shannon Lake got up on a cafeteria lunch table and made a speech about not picking on special needs kids, and that made you realize that you should perform at the telethon, even if your drummer was drumming for someone else. My children were a little confused.

    Then my lovely Deanna told them it was because you were a Patterson, and my kids understood that immediately. They are so smart and wise for their ages.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 9:56 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i got back frum the crook’s convention in dallas, texas & there r all kindsa weird messages peeps have left 4 me. honoria had sum weird message ‘bout her bro gerald & a chihuahua. i played it lotsa tymes & i have no idea wut it’s about. & there r ‘bout 20 messages frum eva abuya askin’ 4 my help 2 keep u frum breakin’ up ur band if gerald goez on tour w/rebecca this summer, cuz she’z “gotta keep singing.” & there r the usual messages frum duncan in barbados sayin’ i shud come there so he can beat me up. ne idea wut this stuff iz about?

     
  • At 10:44 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shan, i'm glad u liked the song. yeah, u r rite abt eva and the pancreas. she's been reviewing our bio texts from this past yr and she's become fascin8ed w/how the pancreas works. she's all abt "the pancreas releases insulin to process glucose that's released in the blood stream. how cool is that april? oh, unless u have diabetes." and then she's all going in2 the diff betw type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

    mike, i do NOT have elly patterson butt! i do kickboxing, aerobics, w8 lifting, ashtanga yoga, and pilates 2 NOT have an elly butt. if merrie thot she saw one on me, that was cuz of a v. v. unflattering camera angle!

    jeremy, the witch of corbeil turned ger in2 a chihuahua yesterday. 4 "insubordination." cuz he posted sumthing abt me cramping his style 4 not letting him know if i was really in2 him or not. dr. artemis sez the change is temporary, but she didn't know how long it wd last.

    dunc, i think, is just bored and wanting sum1 2 beat up. he's not allowed 2 beat up the goats or the sugar canes.

    apes

     
  • At 2:06 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Kickboxing, aerobics, weight lifting, Ashtanga yoga, and pilates are an interesting way to describe baby-sitting my kids, but I would not say wholly inaccurate. However, in your favour, I have been told that the camera adds 5 kilograms, and from your appearance on the telethon, at least that much had been added.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 4:40 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    jeremy, gerald iz a chihuahua? i suppose that xxplainz y honoria haz spent all day at a dog trainer. i guess u & eva r friendz again aftah u had ur fite. how did u resolve it? ur blog duzn’t say.

     
  • At 5:03 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. My brother Gerald was not very good yesterday, but after a day at the dog trainer I am proud to report that he has completed:

    1. Attention building
    2. Basic heeling
    3. Automatic sit
    4. Sit and accept praise
    5. Sit – stay

    Tomorrow, he will learn to:

    1. Figure eight
    2. Come – fore
    3. Recall
    4. Finish left & right

    After a few more days of training, I think Gerald will be the best little doggie ever. I tell him if he’s a good dog, then you won’t break up with him just because he goes on tour with Becky McGuire. I know your sister has a reputation of breaking up with guys because their careers conflict with giving her all the attention she wants when she wants it; but I know when you see Gerald sit when you tell him to sit and wag his little tail like he likes it, then you will realize he is the best possible boyfriend ever and you won’t want to break up with him and we can still be sisters after you two get married someday. Not only that, but when he gets to be old, I don’t think Gerald will complain at all when you give him dog food to eat.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…

    April,

    Until Gerald has suffered like a real, Mexican dog refugee, he is not a Chihuahua and cannot feel the pain and agony of a true Chihuahua.

    Luis Guzmán

     
  • At 6:00 PM, Anonymous Tricky Woo said…

    Careful, April...those type of dogs are the most vicious of all! I would caution you agianst dating those of the canine persuasion, especially the ones with chips on their haunches.

    But you'd probably say I'm biased.

     
  • At 6:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, don't b dumb. i do my workouts when i'm NOT babysitting.

    jeremy, were eva an' i supposed 2 resolve sumthing? cuz we just both acted like nuthing had ever happed an' everything was fine. was that wrong of us?

    honoria, wow, do u think that training will stay w/ger when he returns 2 human form? neway, i'll b by in abt an hr w/another specially prepared meal 4 ger from howard.

    tricky woo, don't worry. i won't actually d8 ger while he's a dog.

    apes

     
  • At 6:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, in the past wen u had a public (not just in thought balloonz) blow up w/sum1, it kinda went on 4 awhile. actin’ like nuthing had ever happed an' everything was fine is possible, but i just thot u & eva mighta had sum resolution u didn’t mention, kinda like u nevah mentioned u & eva had been workin’ on a song 4 the telethon, eh?

     
  • At 7:00 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. I do not know if dog training will stay with my brother, Gerald. I don’t have much experience with it. Mater prefers not to have animals in the house and really only permits Gerald, because she believes he is a canine with a large trust fund.

    I simply have a feeling that getting Gerald to get his barking under control and getting him house trained will be worth it in the long run, no matter what ultimately happens. I am sure, for your own sake, you would prefer him not to do that thing he does against your leg. It would be best if you didn’t encourage him by saying, “Gerald, you were…great!” or “Go for it!” It might undo the training he had today.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It was good to see you again picking up the low cal, low fat food I made for Gerald. I have a great sympathy for the weight that can be gained when one spends your life as a pampered dog and I, like many others, prefer human Gerald to be well-muscled and fit.

    I’m glad you mentioned Becky’s performance at the “Hearts Together” telethon. It was a fantastic success, largely due to the quality of Becky’s performance and the attention she drew to the telethon, and also largely due to the fact that the bulk of the people making contributions thought they were contributing to something having to do with heart disease research thanks to the name of the telethon. Even your song, “Everybody’s Different,” where you mentioned that deep inside we’re really all the same, seemed to fit in very nicely with the heart disease theme, except for that strange lyric about the pancreas. Like your friend, Shannon Lake, mentioned; you may want to leave that lyric out, if you talk about the song lyrics tomorrow.

    Since the equipment specified as the object of the telethon, “ramps and wheelchairs for kids with special needs” seemed to never be mentioned on-air, and is equipment actually provided by the government to special needs kids for free; I expect someone is playing fast and loose with the money contributed. I’ve seen these kinds of scams before, and I can’t say I am surprised the sponsor of the telethon is Gordon Mayes.

    Regardless of the final disposition of the charity monies, Becky was proud to have been associated with a well-publicized charity, and received the acclaim which I think will restore her back into the public’s good graces after the debacle of the Gym Jam last October. It did not escape her notice that the emcee called her, “our very own Rebecca.” However, I wish the emcee had introduced you and your friend, Eva Abuya better. I thought “April Patterson and company” was a little crass, and I am glad you failed to mention it in your blog.

    Howard Bunt

     

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