April's Real Blog

Monday, July 16, 2007


Well, it's time 2 hear abt Mike's end of the whole "housening" bizness. Here's what he posted last nite:

Formerly little sis. My lovely Deanna did not waste a moment starting to make changes to the house as soon as you and our parents left our house. She sent the children out to play in the ravine, and immediately got to work pulling wallpaper off the wall. I could tell she was prepared for a big effort, because she had a bucket to deal with old wallpaper paste, and a scraper, and a little rug to put her knees on. Of course, I know she should have layered the floor with drop cloths all the way to the wall to catch any little bits of wall paper which might fall down, but we had one of those minor home renovation miracles, which seem to occur all the time for us Pattersons (just ask dad how lucky he was the guy who repaired your roof knew how to handle squirrels). Deanna was able to simply the pull the wall paper off the wall with no mess, no wallpaper removal solution, and no scraping. It was quite impressive. I would have thought we would have needed a wallpaper knife, a perforating tool or wallpaper scratcher, wallpaper removal solution, drop cloths, a solution sprayer, in addition to the bucket Deanna had; but such was not the case. It’s good to be a Patterson.

As she was performing this minor miracle, she regaled me with the question, “Do you think your mom will mind if we remove her wallpaper?” My thought was, “Of course she will mind. You are talking about the woman who shaves her sheets. She will wring her hands and weep over every change we make.” However, I decided to duck that question by saying, “It’s our house now, Dee! We can do anything we want to do: paint, varnish, paper, carpet, tile…” I had hoped by my making this list; it would encourage my lovely Deanna to limit her home renovation desires to those things. Alas, such was not the case.

After I demonstrated my superior skill at scrunching up old wallpaper in my hands and putting it in a box, Deanna picked up her bucket and said, “I know. I’m just sensitive about her feelings. Your parents lived here for a long time.” I could tell what Deanna meant. What she really meant was that she did not want to have to deal with mom screaming at the top of her lungs about her old wallpaper. However, nothing could prepare me for the surprise with which Deanna let loose next. She said, “Do you think she would mind if we redesigned the kitchen?” I was shocked. We had never discussed it before and kitchen redesign was not on my list. When we entered the kitchen, I could see from the wine bottle and wine glass sitting there, my lovely Deanna was speaking with the courage that only comes from the consumption of wine chosen for its girly colour of pink.

I was thinking, “Are you crazy? Mom started shrieking when April (you) suggested she change the drapes in the kitchen. There is no way she would allow a whole kitchen redesign!” However, I showed great restraint and simply said, “You want to change the kitchen? But…(thinking very quickly I said) I’ve always liked it the way it is!” This way I put the blame for not wanting the kitchen changed on me, and not on mom. At least that gave me a chance to talk Deanna out of it before she brings the wrath of mom on us. I know how your readers love cliff-hanging suspense, so I will refrain from telling you more about this thrill-packed, home renovation, adventure story until tomorrow.

Michael Patterson
Well, Mike, U mite remember that yrs an' yrs ago, long B4 I was born, Mom had the kitchen remodeled. MayB U cd just convince her it's a tradition? Oh, and don't let yr kids play in the ravine. U don't have NE rescue dogz available, remember? Plus neither dog is in gd enuf shape 2 run back 2 the house an' give a warning like Eddy did when Farley was rescuing me. Just keep that g8 locked securely.

Jeremy, thanx 4 dropping off the list of revenge items from George Stibbs yesterday. Tho I doubt I can convince Dad that Mr. Stibbs is NEthing but "a kindly, honest old man."


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  • At 12:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i didn’t give u the list of revenge items frum george stibbs so u cud try 2 convince ur dad of nething. it’s so u don’t get injured by sumthin’ breakin’ or bit by sum animal or insect infestation, eh? az far az i can tell, george stibbs has a good reasn 2b mad @ur dad 4 harrassin’ him ovah sellin’ his house for almost 2 years, altho i dunno if the stress of dealin’ w/that rilly led 2 his wife’s dyin’. neway, thass not ur fault, so u shudn’t hafta get hurt frum it. by the way, honoria sez ur sil is rite, the kitchen on ur old house is due 4 a renovation cuz it’s too 80s. so she agrees w/ur sil & not ur bro. if it were me, i wud trash the whole place & put in a house w/where the hallways look like hallways & it wuz ez 2 get around w/o gettin’ lost, but thass just me.

  • At 12:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, gotcha. i'll go over the list carefully 2 make sure i don't put myself in a dangerous sitch.

    thanx again!


  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Home renovation is the name of the game. I have been completely redoing the kitchen in Becky’s and my home. The equipment for cooking was woefully inadequate and the people on the Newlyfoobs reality TV show thinks that it will have an appeal for the large audience of people who like to see home renovations. We even got your boyfriend Gerald to help us with it. He has no eye for home renovation, but he is good at smashing things with a sledgehammer and Becky and I both appreciate watching him do that, particularly when he doesn’t wear a shirt.

    Frankly, I was a little surprised he was available for the activity since you were so busy moving, but he explained that, despite your family’s monthly letters going into great detail about how your brother and your sister and your sister-in-law and all your neighbours were helping with your move to George Stibb’s old place, in reality it was almost all you and your mom and dad. One might think that a healthly, strong boyfriend, like Gerald, would be a natural choice to ask to help, but Gerald is accustomed to being excluded from those kinds of activities in your life. Seriously, April, you missed out. That “Home Sweat Home” thing you did with your dad and mom, would have a whole different meaning if you saw it rolling off Gerald’s shirtless body.

    In the meantime, Becky is busy preparing for the mall telethon for the special needs kids, because she thinks this will be her grand opportunity to rekindle her career after the disaster of the Gym / Jam last October. After that, we will be busy with our wedding and honeymoon / concert tour. We have 7 weeks to get all that done, before Becky has to be back in school by September. That’s not much time.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I have been told that kitchen renovations are the ones where you get the most value increase in your home with the least amount of money. Mater is completely uninterested in making such a change to our home, since she spends very little time in the kitchen as it is. Most of the dishes mom go straight from the bag holding the celery to our plates, so there is little preparation or clean up and the kitchen easily maintains its spotless, white appearance. If I were to make a renovation, it would be to our wine cellar. It is a little dank for wine, and completely horrible for my bedroom. Whenever my Jeremy flower comes over for an evening of diddling, we have to keep a constant watch out for brother sneaking in the cellar to get one of Pater’s vintage wines to drink in his room. Better lighting would at least let me know if it is brother sneaking in, or some large rodent or squirrel which escaped from your house and is trying to find a new home.

    Mater is much more interested in the annual Dutch tulip festival, which she is chairing. I am involved to help out Mater, and I have gotten my Jeremy flower to agree to help with sound and lighting for the festival. That’s more time I get to spend with him, even if it is under Mater’s watchful eye. You really should consider involving brother more in your life, dearest future sister. What good is having a boyfriend, if you don’t enjoy him?

    I guess technically, you and brother are just “more than friends,” since Gerald reported your reconciliation with him involved hugging and rubbing his chin on your head. If it had been me making up with Jeremy, I think a little kissing would have been appropriate, but we all know how you feel about keeping those kinds of activities secret between you and your girlfriends.

    I must say that rogues retreat my Jeremy flower attended was well worth his time. I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but bad boys are quite a bit better in the amorous arts than good boys, and one of the reasons is that they are better trained. If you had been making up with Jeremy and not brother, you might have gone further (but don’t get any ideas about my Jeremy flower). I find the idea of kissing brother is fairly repulsive, so I understand why you might not like to do it very often.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You do not need to worry about rescue dogs with my children. My lovely Deanna took a "Mom n' Tot" swimming course together my children last summer, as you may remember from her monthly letter at that time. They are quite a bit better in the water than you were when you were 4 years old and unable to put a toy boat into water without falling in, so there is nothing to worry about.

    As for your suggestion about telling mom that kitchen remodeling is tradition is something to consider. Perhaps mom will think of Deanna’s desires in that light, instead of thinking of it as a complete rejection of her style of designing a kitchen and an insult to her decorating sense. Perhaps pigs will fly too.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, u know i did ask mom an' dad if i cd invite ger 2 help us w/the move, but mom sed "no" b-cuz she thot just the three of us working 2gether "made a better story." weird, eh?

    honoria, don't worry, ger and i will find stuff 2 do 2gether. in fact, i'll try 2 keep him away from the wine cellar when i can (b4 having 2 go off 2 the farm next month).

    mike, whatevs on the remodeling. as 4 merrie an' robin, i had the same swimming course b4 the accident. i'd b more wary if i were u.


  • At 2:14 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. There frequently comes a time in a man’s life when he has to confront his past. In great novels, the past is a majour misdeed, a breach of trust over a significant point of order, or the loss of a great love. In real life, the past appears in a manner more mundane, like your son is chewing on it. This was the case for me. The past reappeared in the form of a tack I thought I had eliminated and would never see again.

    You see, formerly little sis, continuing my story from yesterday, after my lovely Deanna finished stripping off the wallpaper, she changed clothes to long pants. I tried to convince her to change into a negligee instead, but she demurred, saying she needed to go check on the kids, since they had been playing in the ravine for hours.

    I was relaxing in the way men frequently do after their wives refuse to wear negligees, when I suddenly heard my lovely wife say, “Attack! Where did you find attack?” I thought for a moment my wife was being assaulted and I rushed to her rescue as a good husband should. As I approached her and my son, I saw my wife on her knees and I steeled myself for full combat with my son, assuming that he was the attacker. Once I got close enough, I saw that my lovely Deanna and my son were not battling each other but were staring at a tack, and I realized my error. I had been taken in by the most basic of puns---a misinterpretation of similar sounds to mean different words. It was so funny; I had to say, “Hah!”

    Then I picked up the tack and I realized that this tack was the one I stuck in the back wall of the upstairs closet and I made the mistake of saying it out loud. My lovely Deanna was immediately suspicious and she picked up our son, preparing to run if I gave the wrong answer to her question, “What did you do that for?” My mind raced. I thought, “Do I tell Deanna the real answer? Do I explain to her exactly why it is that it was necessary, even crucial for the survival of everyone to make sure that tack was placed in the back wall of the upstairs closet? Do I tell my lovely wife of the terrible fate which our family faced, which was only alleviated by that tack? Do I spill forth the terrible secrets which had lain dormant in our family for over 2 decades?” Well, obviously no. So I said, “I dunno…It’s been there since I was nine.” I think she and my son bought it, but from the way they were looking so intently at that tack, they must have suspected something. I don’t think they will be able to figure it out. That is unless my daughter shows up someday with the paper clip, which was hidden all those years ago.

    Michael Patterson


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