April's Real Blog

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Lost an' Found

Liz wrote sum more abt what happed @ that wedding reception 2 wks ago:

The next part of the story got told to me when I ran into Mason at the supermarket the week after the wedding, I guess he woke up after awhile and went to find Shawna-Marie, he was shocked to find that Shawna-Marie looked even manlier than ever by that point in the evening, and her features looked all stretched and freaky, well Mason said Shawna-Marie started yelling at him about how he was my escort, and he said he'd forgot, mainly because he was busy drinking up all the leftover champagne, then Mason said one of the other groomsmen told Shawna-Marie and Mason that me and Anthony ran off, and then Mason said "that fat girl" kind of came over and eavesdropped until Shawna-Marie asked her (Julia) if she thought me and Anthony were lost, and Julia knew this was her chance to spread the gossip about me and Anthony getting back together to the whole wedding, so she told Shawna-Marie that she thought we had found something we'd lost, and then Julia pointed out to Shawna-Marie and Mason where me and Anthony were cuddling in the dark.

More later.

U know, Liz, Mom already has china patterns picked out 4 U and has an "Elizabeth Wedding-Planner Binder." Just so U're not alarmed next time U C her.


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  • At 10:50 AM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    I'm finally ready to tell my part of this wonderful, romantic tale.

    Prepare your hearts, readers, for usually you have to go to the paperback racks in drugstores to get this kind of sweeping romance, a romance that spans Canada all the way from a golf course tent to a mosquito-infested water obstacle on the tenth.

    It started shortly after Julia took her "special olive" from the little orange plastic bottle in her purse and put it in Mason's drink when she ran up to show Shawna-Marie and Brian her dental work. Mason slumped over soon thereafter and Julia urged me to ask Elizabeth to dance. I still wasn't sure, I'd been rooted in my seat furiously wishing Elizabeth and I could dance but after consulting some handwritten notes from Gord's desk stationary she insisted and poked me with her fish knife in the kidneys.

    So I settled my glasses on my face in such a way that they would blur some of my acne scarring and walked up to Elizabeth. Julia said I had to be a strong, dominant male to help woo her so I decided the best way to prove that was by closing my eyes as I asked, that way if the night turned out well I could always imagine how Liz looked. I decided to remind her of our innocent, carefree days in high school when we played "Mother may I" every time I wanted to touch her, but the "mother" part came out as sort of a strangled gurgle.

    To show Elizabeth how much I cared I held her carefully at arm's length, right fully extended, maintaining a proper twelve-inch distance between our bodies. This not only showed proper gentlemanly behavior, but it gave me some much needed space to let Liz's halitosis clear and disperse. She's a lovely woman, but whenever she opens her mouth I have to turn my head. We waltzed out onto the floor and it was like we were the only ones dancing. Which we were, everyone else was gathered around the DJ stomping to "Mony Mony" and shouting lyrics that have no business at such a romantic affair as a golf-course wedding.

    Julia gave me her thumbs up signal and luckily I remembered to turn and look at her as she took the picture with the camera-phone in her left hand.

    Mike had been coaching me on how to woo Elizabeth through language, so as we awkwardly waltzed to "Mony Mony" I told her how I'd been waiting to dance with her. According to Mike, dancing is very important to Patterson females because it's what they want men think about when they're old and stroke-ridden to show that they love their wives through thick and thin and butt-wiping. Mike assured me that by this point in the evening Elizabeth would have so much alcohol in her that when I said "I've been wanting to dance with you for a long time, Elizabeth," she wouldn't ask why I didn't just call her up and invite her out to a club some weekend, but instead would say something really sexy like "just dance."

    And he was right! But then Mike is always right. Even if his sisters don't always appreciate him.

    I said "just everything" in response which Mike assured me would intrigue her because it doesn't make grammatical sense.

    Elizabeth passed out shortly thereafter and I held her up, supporting her as an inebriated Patterson women need to be supported, until the ad-hoc Master of Ceremonies announced a conga line. Shawna-Marie and all the bridal party led it, whooping and hollering in the manner of folk of their coloring, but I didn't want to lose Elizabeth in the scrum so I hustled her out of there, disguising myself temporarily as Gordon. Elizabeth was barefoot, indicating a possible desire to be pregnant as well, so I took my chance and took her to Minimum Safe Kissing Distance where hopefully we'd be nothing but a pair of easy-to-ink silhouettes.

    Elizabeth asked where we were going. Since we were headed for a point under a tree surrounded by a body of water, I considered saying Halifax or Lebanon or Moscow but didn't want to spoil the mood. Instead I told her we were going somewhere private where we could talk, talk being our old code for not talking.

    We took a short, hand in hand walk through the lakeside goose droppings.

    There we kissed, under the glow of the Star Wormwood. Elizabeth's hair added several extra curls and swelled until her back-do was almost as big as her head. I took this as a good sign.

    We assured each other that we'd missed each other, finally summoning the courage to say what had been left unsaid for no apparent reason. I'd been missing Liz so much I couldn't avoid certain physical reactions that usually only happen to Patterson males when driving high speeds in a car full of teenage boys. Elizabeth could feel my love for her and started sort of crying. I know it's a little below average but it's not that small, besides, it's not the size of your pencil but what you write with it!

    Then I spoke earnestly to her, using the face I use when describing financing terms. Luckily she remembered to keep her mouth shut, because my eyes were watering enough. I mentioned the people we'd been dating in the past (of course my date involved a wedding and a child, but what's done is done) and I thought we could try to fall in love again, given a chance and relentless nagging from relatives and peers. Liz looked gobsmacked while I said this incredibly romantic speech, then replied by flubbing a Johnny Mathis lyric, which I took to be a good sign, and we embraced. Two swans swimming nearby flopped over on their side, twitching, and the crickets ceased chirping, and the stars glowed like magic dandruff on a velvet painting of a matador (thanks Mike!).

    I know Patterson women love to be hoisted in expressions of pure romantic joy so I picked Liz up, who did her best to help me in the effort by shrinking to the size of a thirteen year old girl.

    Bad move.

    Despite my Best Romantic Intent, the spirit was willing but the body gave out. For the first time she faced me, mouth fully open, and my knees weakened in the fumes. I felt both my back and my trick knee go, and we almost sprawled. Liz did a back-bend, briefly looking like an extraterrestrial from that Arrival movie and did an elegant arch to support me. We kissed again and the water with the dead swans in it vaporized into just a stream, and several birds fell out of the tree. Elizabeth held me up while I tried to get my back aligned, and we looked out on the lake, which now resembled the landscape of Mordor. I think the golf course people are going to be pissed.

    We backed away from all the dead grass and plants and the former lake, just in case, and heard Julia talking to Dawn behind us. I held Elizabeth very romantically as she let me work on my back and the tree we'd kissed under dropped over dead.

    With the concealing leaves of the fallen tree partially obscuring us, I suggested to Liz that we consummate our love as only loving lovers can. She asked "with pastries?" and I said no, I meant the secret fun baby thing.

    She said she couldn't do the secret fun baby thing because my slightly below average rampant manhood still had the taint of French Canadianess on it, which could only be removed by scrubbing with a strong germ remover. I asked what, hoping they'd have some in the golf-course pro shop, and she suggested ammonia and bleach. It was the formula she taught her kids in class to use for cleaning bathroom fixtures and "this house saves water" signs across from the toilet.

    Then she got a wicked look on her face and said we could do dirty hole number two love. It was a trick she learned from Dee. Mike evidently prefers that sort of lovemaking, as it doesn't result in babies and as long as Dee keeps her hair cut short, her nails trimmed, and her slim Peter Pan figure he can really get into it. I figured we were on a golf course, so why not? I really enjoyed it, standing there next to the tree, suspecting that people were watching as I entered her. I asked if she like it and she said it didn't hurt nearly as much as when Paul did it, which wasn't exactly encouraging, but at least her face was in the other direction so the halitosis had a chance to clear.

    The only thing that worried me as we did dirty hole number two love next to the dead tree was the approach of one silhouette, a good deal larger than the others. But I've gone on long enough here.


  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ew! anthony rear-ended liz @ the wedding reception!

    i m writing this from the beach. dunc's fam delayed their trip a bit, and i'm @ the beach w/ger, dunc, eva, and a buncha other ppl i'll tell u abt when i write 2morrow morning's blog entry.


  • At 2:45 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I just want to say that Anthony is a big fat liar, I would never let him do sex things with me before marriage and definitely never what I think he is describing, that is disgusting and he is a sick pervert for dreaming that up, however, I am tired of being single, so I am going to marry him even though I pretty much hate him right now for being such a dirty liar.



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