April's Real Blog

Thursday, July 05, 2007


Liz posted us a bit more of what happed more than 2.5 wks ago, after she and Anthony had run away from the conga line @ Shawna-Marie's wedding:


Well, when I left you with my last post I was telling you how Anthony and I were kissing by a lake near the tent where someone or other was having some kind of important party, I forget, what was important was, I knew this meant I am going to get a husband very soon, whew, I know Mom says the Good Witch always provides but I was really starting to doubt it, what with being 27 oops I mean 26 and not having a husband, that is a close shave with spinsterhood, which is funny because spinsters don't shave their legs at all, that's what Mom told me.

Anyway, when we finally stopped kissing, I was sure Anthony was finally going to propose, but instead he just hugged me and said he missed me, so I hugged him and said I missed him too, but tears were welling up in my eyes, tears of disappointment, I was thinking, "Dag gum it, when am I going to get my fracking proposal already?!?", and then Anthony released me and we looked into each other's eyes, and I thought, "This is it!" but it wasn't, Anthony just made some stupid speech about how we had fallen in love and broken up with other people, and I was thinking, "Sheesh, thanks for bringing that up, jerkface," and then he asked me--ASKED ME--if I didn't think maybe we could possibly consider forming a committee of disinterested parties to ponder the question of whether it might be prudent at this juncture for me and Anthony to try falling in love again, or something like that, I forget, it was so wishy-washy I hope to erase those lukewarm words out of my brain forever, but I do remember that the words "could we give it one more chance?" were used.

Well, though I was extremely and totally disappointed not to be getting a proposal I did what any brave and proper Patterson woman would do, you would be proud of me, I gave an answer that included 1) wordplay and 2) refusal to reveal feelings, I played it cool, almost like I totally didn't care one way or another, and I said, "Chances are, we could," when I came home and told Mom, she high-fived me.

More later.


OK, Liz, that xxplains Y I saw Mike starting a list called "much more clever wordplay Liz could have used." As soon as I saw "wordplay," I quickly looked away, but I'm pretty sure his first example had sumthing 2 do with "games of chance."

Dunc, I retrived yr housekey after it got, um, released from Eddy's digestive system. Ick, such a joy. But it's clean, safe, and sound. I'll look after yr house while I'm still around. OMG, I hope it's not really true that U an' yr fam R never coming back from Barbados!!!


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  • At 11:57 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    So, here I am, having my summer vacation, turns out I am not going to teach summer school this year, and I finished painting my apartment, and finished getting yelled at by my landlord for that, so I have nothing else to do except sit around on my butt, which is looking more and more like a couple of gallon-size sacks of pudding everyday, and play with Shiimsa, and try to fall in love with Anthony again, like I promised him I would, this is more difficult then you might imagine, because Anthony has a job and has to work long hours because summer is the best time for selling cars, anyway, so I am spending a lot of time sitting in my basement apartment in front of the television, and killing spiders and centipedes that run by, and trying to fall in love with Anthony, but it's hard, because he isn't here.

    So I had a great idea, I decided I would use a dummy of Anthony to make it feel like he is here courting me, Candace said it sounded like a great idea and that there would be no way I could tell the difference between Anthony and a dummy, so with this encouragement I started on my plan, I started out thinking I would make like a scarecrow kind of dummy, but the landlord saw me hauling hay bales into my apartment and put a stop to it, he's such a jerk, so then I decided Shiimsa will just have to be my Anthony substitute, so I put a little bit of ginger blond doll hair on her head, and some Mr. Potato Head glasses I stole out of the kindergarten at school, and then we sat on the couch, snuggling and watching summer reruns, and I pretended Shiimsa's meows were Anthony saying sweet nothings to me, trying to get me to fall in love with him again, and everything was going really well until it came time for kissing, well it turns out Shiimsa is an excellent French kisser, but she has whiskers, and that is bad because Anthony doesn't have that stupid mustache anymore, so I had to cut off Shiimsa's whiskers, so I chased her around the apartment for awhile with scissors in my hand, but that darned cat is so wily, cheeze, I ended up banging my head on the coffee table, the bed frame, the dresser, the kitchen table, the bookcase, and some cabinets, trying to catch Shiimsa as she kept going from one hiding place to another, finally I had to go to bed with an icepack on my head.

    I have to admit, so far, even though I am trying very very hard, and even broke a sweat during the Shiimsa chase, I am not sure that the trying is going so well, and I talked to Mom, and she said I'm not supposed to be doing the trying anyway, that is the man's job, he tries by sending flowers and candy and singing telegrams, and hiring a skywriter, and that sort of stuff, and as a Patterson woman, I get to just sit on my butt and wait for the love to happen, which sounds good to me.


  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I did try to give our Lizardbreath the benefit of my writing experience by suggesting she could used any of the following phrases instead of “Chances are…we could”, which I thought was a little too “Johnny Mathis” for a Patterson. My suggestions were:

    1. Let’s stop playing these games of chance, we’ve bingo-ing (been going) at this for awhile, and I am sick of the craps (craps). You lotteries (Let Thérèse) go, and I can tell from our hug, you really want to play poker (poke her). If you want to play some Milborough Stud Poker, I need you to roulette (roll that) ring on my finger.
    2. If you sing a song, I could “chant”s it with you.
    3. Better to give it one more chance, than to give it one more dance. I’m a “can go” girl and not a “Conga” girl.
    4. If I give you a chance, that would make me a chancellor.

    Liz refused all my kind suggestions and said she was going spend some time practising falling in love with Anthony Caine.

    As for Mr. Caine, I thought his approach to our Lizardbreath was sheer genius. He may seem tentative and passive to most people, but he is tentative and passive like a fox. Every other man who has fallen in love with her has always made the mistake of telling her so and while this may work for normal women, the first thing Elizabeth would do is move as far away as possible from the man. By only asking for a chance to fall in love, Anthony is approaching Liz much more subtley. I can see his proposal being something like, “Is there a possibility that after I slide this engagement ring on your finger, that the fates may allow you to give me the chance to consider that we might be a little, tiny, teensy, bit engaged?” Then he slides the ring on her finger.

    The wedding vows would be something like:

    I, (Bride/Groom), might take you (Groom/Bride), to be something which could possibly to be considered somewhat like my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day or maybe some other day forward, for better or for worse, with the off chance we might be richer or poorer, in the situation where a doctor might tell us we are sick or healthy, to possibly try to fall in love and to maybe consider cherishing each other; from some indeterminate day forward until we break up, even though we are not really trying to break up.

    With this approach, Anthony might be able to get Liz to marry him before she realizes it, but once it’s done, it would be just something that had been done to her because of fate. Anthony Caine has really learned how to work the system of Liz, like no man before him. Really no man, except for her childhood sweetheart, would have the time to observe Liz long enough to understand exactly how to court her.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:26 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie and Brian’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.

    Alyssa: Howard, I love these desserts you have been feeding me and Jen to get us to talk. How many calories are in this piece of cake?
    Me: You really don’t want to know.
    Alyssa: I guess you’re right. I’ll just think of it as low fat. Yesterday we talked about how Elizabeth and Anthony came back from their “private” dancing. After that, Liz just had to corner Dawn Enjo and tell her all about it. Naturally Jen and I were there to hear it all.
    Jen: This was a very strange conversation. I am still not sure I understood it.
    Alyssa: You’re telling me. Elizabeth was all about how she and Anthony were together again and how he said the most romantic things to her that any man had ever said.
    Jen: Right. So, Dawn asks Elizabeth what he said, and she said first he said he missed her. Then he mentioned how there had been other people in their lives. Then he asked her for one more chance to try to fall in love, and without the breaking up part this time. Then they kissed where they wrapped their arms around each other and silhouetted white on a starry background.
    Alyssa: Dawn was really confused and so were Jen and me.
    Jen: Right. Dawn said, “I thought you told me Warren Blackwood said begged you to get together again and when you said you would, he talked about how he was flying with happiness. Wasn’t that more romantic?”
    Alyssa: Then Dawn said, “I thought you told me how Constable Paul Wright Liz said how the planets may go around the sun, but his world revolves around you. Wasn’t that more romantic?”
    Me: What did Elizabeth say to that?
    Alyssa: She said the helicopter pilot and the constable were not very romantic because they acted too much like her ugly brother did when he was romancing his wife, and it made her think they were more like a brother to her than potential husband material.
    Me: What did Dawn say to that?
    Alyssa: She agreed that Elizabeth shouldn’t be with any man who reminded her of her brother.
    Jen: I ran into her brother at the grocery store the other day, and I would have to agree. Ice cream, cotton candy and beer were all he got, and he was making a big deal about how he was shopping for his family because his wife was too tired from working. I kind of kidded him that he might want to buy something for the rest of his family and he gave me a strange look and said, “The kids aren’t getting my beer.”
    Alyssa: Creepy. Do you want us to tell you what happened next at the wedding?
    Me: I think we should stop here. April didn’t go very far today.
    Jen: OK, Howard. We’ll talk to you tomorrow.
    Alyssa: Yes, except if you could not wear that pink tutu, I would appreciate it.

    That was the latest conversation with Alyssa and Jen. More tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. As you suggested yesterday, I went to the community theatre to volunteer my time and they immediately put me to work. The manager said I should go to the room on the right at the end of the hall and do whatever the rabbit told me to do. I thought I would find you there, because you have a rabbit, but then when I got there, you were not there, and it was a different rabbit. Then I remembered you had written how you had given your rabbit to your niece and nephew, so I should have known it would be different rabbit, since you don’t have a rabbit anymore. I felt very silly when I asked the rabbit if he belonged to you. There was a woman who was there with him, who explained the rabbit’s name was Wilco and he didn’t belong to you or to anyone.

    The rabbit seemed angry with me, so I told the rabbit I was terribly sorry to have made the error, and asked him if we could try again, that is, if he would give me another chance. I think he gave me a “Yes” sign, but it was hard to tell. He put me to work making papier-mâché carrots and he was very particular that they look just like real ones. I think the rabbit is supposed to be in some kind of dream sequence with a bunny in it involving one of the characters thinking she might be pregnant. He spent a lot of time trying to making scary bunny faces, while his voice actor talked.

    It was a strange afternoon. I hope I get to see you the next time I am there. I miss talking to my future sister, especially since that was the whole reason I had gone there. I hope you missed talking to me too. It’s interesting that sometimes when you go someplace to talk to someone, you end up talking to someone completely different and it changes things.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 3:25 PM, Anonymous Edda Burber said…


    I know just what you are going through. My Amos is a terrible talker and just never seems to know when to shut up and kiss. Every time I try to tell him this simple message, he never seems to get it. I keep working on him. The next time your Anthony starts prattling on, kiss him until he stops. That’s what works for me.

    Edda Burber

  • At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Rose Gumbo said…


    I think the real problem you having with Anthony is technique. When my Jimbo kisses me, my feet leave the ground and any gardening implements I may have been holding fall away from me. It’s makes me very happy, but I must admit the gardening tools have taken a beating over the years. The next time Anthony kisses you, tell him to kiss you so passionately your feet leave the ground and not say anything after he’s done. That’s what works for me and Jimbo. Jimbo’s not a very good talker, just like your Anthony.

    Rose Gumbo

  • At 3:47 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Edda and Rose,

    I am taking a break from my trying to fall in love with Anthony so that I can reply to your messages, which are nice, but you miss the point, see, I do not really care at all about kissing, which is something Anthony never did very well anyway, what I care about is getting him to marry me RIGHT NOW, because I am 26 or 27, depending on who you believe, and I do not have that long left to have babies, normal people have their Main Children before they turn 30, a boy and a girl, and then they might have an Oops Baby after 30, but see, if Anthony drags his feet, I won't have time to have a baby before I'm 30, let alone two babies, and I won't get to have my Main Children, who do all the normal things that make a parent proud, and all I will get is an Oops Baby, who is good only for wacky hijinks and acting moody, and what is worse is, I need some Main Children to counteract the Stepchild that I will be getting in the marriage, and everyone knows that Stepchildren are good only for doing controversial things like being gay and opening a gay landscaping business.

    So, what I am saying is, I do not care about kissing, romance, or even falling in love, though I am trying to fall in love because that seems to be something Anthony wants me to do before he will propose, but what is important is that I as a woman have the security of a husband with a good job, a nice home in Milborough, and of course also a bunch of children who will be the most important thing I could ever accomplish in life, and I really just want to get down to it now, all this wandering about the last few years up north and whatnot has been tiring, I will always be grateful to have learned the red man's noble ways, but really, it's enough already, it's time I was somebody's wife now, and the only kiss I really care about is the one that you have to do right after "I pronounce you husband and wife," and I don't care if that kiss is good or whatever, it's not relevant.


  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous rose gumbo said…


    I think I know what you mean about the children. You’ve haven’t gotten your man to marry you yet, so you don’t know this yet. Just between us girls, a man you kiss a lot is a man who can give you those babies you want, so you can’t ignore kissing. If it were just up to my Jimbo, he would spend all his time eating crawfish and mooning over the fat girls he finds so attractive, and we wouldn’t have my darling boy Pasquale. Take it from me, if you want babies, you need to work on his kissing.

    Rose Gumbo

  • At 5:12 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, 2day wuz my day 4 talkin’ 2 weird peeps.

    1st i wuz ridin’ my motorcycle & i saw ur sis tryin’ 2 haul hay bales n2 her apt. & she wuz havin’ a hard tyme of it. so i stopped 2 help her & her landlord came out & started yellin’ @2 stop. so, i’m helpin’ her haul the hay bales back 2 the place she got them (sum guy’s farm. don’t ask.) & she sez 2 me, “u know ur kinda tall & skinny. how wud u feel ‘bout wearin’ a blond doll hair wig, glasses & lettin’ me put sum fake freckles on ur face?” & i sed, “wut 4?” & she sed she wunted 2 practice tryin’ 2 fall in luv w/anthony caine. & i sed, “y don’t u do that w/the real anthony caine?” & she sed it wuz cuz he wuz @work. i sed i wuzn’t innerested & i got outa there fast, cuz i didn’t like the way ur sis wuz lookin’ @me. by the way, ur sis’ apt. haz a rilly weird smell 2 it, like caramel & cat poop.

    then i wuz @horny t’s, w8in 4 honoria 2 get done @the community theatre wen zapata henderson sits down next 2 me & grabs me & sez, “oh, have i missed u!!” i sed, “i haven’t missed u. yru grabbin’ me?” then zapata sed, “jeremy, we’ve both fallen in luv & broken up w/other peeps.” i sed, “i have. u just been havin’ this weird relationship w/ur bf eldritch, where u flirt w/othah guyz all the tyme & pretend ur still loyal 2 eldritch.” zapata sed, “nevermind that. don’t u think we shud try again?” i sed, “try again wut?” zapata sed, “fallin’ in luv, i mean. cud we give it 1 more chance?” i sed, “zapata. we were nevah in luv w/each othah. wen i found u hadda a longterm bf, i kinda stopped b-ing innerested in u, like most normal peeps wud do”

    then zapata sed, “but i have been betrayed by eldritch. we were supposed 2b in the same college @trent, but he's in catherine parr traill & i applied 2 champlain college, cuz he wuz suppozed 2 be there 2. jeremy, i have no home in champlain college. cudn’t u come 2 champlain college & b w/me there?” i sed, “i still got 2 years @r.p. boire in mboro. it soundz like eldritch iz still closer than me.” zapata sed, “peterborough 2 downtown! thass not close! i’ll make it worth ur while.” then she grabbed me ‘round the waist & kissed me hard.

    ‘course right ‘bout that tyme, honoria walks n2 horny t’s & sees us. i cud tell she wuz there, cuz i cud hear her gasp. i rilly cudn’t c her cuz i wuz leanin’ way back 2 get away from zapata’z mouth & she just holds me tighter. so i hear honoria sayin’ 2 me, “honestly, jeremy. i know that peeps in this town think that just cuz a girl is short & fat, she shud just give away her man 2 the tall skinny girls in town. i know i am up a whole size since dr. mccaulay forced my ‘rents 2 give me food othah than dirt, but thass no reason just 2 think u can ignore me.” i tried 2 say sumthin’, but zapata’s tongue wuz gettin’ in the way & she started 2 grind her pelvis up 2 mine frum the grip she had on my back.

    honoria sed, “goodness, jeremy. @least acknowledge i am here. i know we short, fat girls r suppozed 2 give a big thumbs-up on b-ing left b-hind, but u do hafta look this way 2c it.” i tried 2 look ovah @honoria, but zapata had her hand on the back of my head & i rilly couldn’t move it. then honoria sed, “jeremy jones. there is no account 4 this rudeness.” then i felt sumthin’ hit my head & i kinda passed out.

    wen i woke up, honoria wuz there sayin’, “oh my jeremy flower. i am so sorry. i thot u were ignorin’ me cuz i’m so fat now. can u give me a chance 2 make it up 2u?” i sed i cud, but it wuz kinda awhile b4 i cud sit up. wen i did i sed, “wut happed?” honoria sed, “i am so embarrassed. i lost my temper & hit u ovah the head w/my purse. then that awful girl who wuz kissin’ u got up & ran away. it certainly wuzn’t lady-like of me. i am so sorry i hit u.” i asked her if she had a fryin’ pan in her purse & she sed she didn’t. i think it musta been makeup.

    neway, a ruff aftahnoon & my head hurts.

  • At 7:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, i went 2 the theatre after working @ lilliput's 2day, and when i got there, i saw zandra larson, the one w/the rabbit. i described her 2 u an' she told me i'd just missed u! hey, y don't u meet me @ lilliput's 2morrow @ noon. we can go 2 horny t's an' i can get u up 2 speed on the theatre stuff.

    liz, pls don't make out w/yr kitty or cut off her whiskers! i will buy u a life-sized anthony doll if u really hafta practice on sumthing.


  • At 3:58 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    This next part of my story is short, after I promised Anthony there was a chance we could possibly maybe allegedly fall in love again, we were so happy to finally at last maybe kind of sort of have that decided that we did this weird dance that included Anthony holding me up and dipping me and more kissing, by the way, why do men like to try to hold you up in the air when they like you, at least Anthony doesn't do that weird butt hoist like Paul used to, anyhow, all this while I thought I could feel someone spying on us in the dark, but I thought, no, what kind of pervert likes to watch a couple trying to fall in love?



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