April's Real Blog

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Shannon's Speech Inspires Gobsmackery

So the next bit of Shannon's lunchtime speech 8 days ago was: "U ... tease ... me abt ... the ... way ... I ... talk!.... I ... was ... born ... w/a cleft .... palate!.... They cdn't ... fix it ... until ... I ... was ... 4! I .... had ... 2 learn ... how ... 2 ... speak ... all ... over again ... and ... that ... is ... Y ... I ... talk like ... this. I can't ..... change ... the way .... I.... talk.... But .... U .... can change .... the .... way .... U .... LISTEN!!" And then I noticed kids lookin' @ ea other all gobsmacked.

Oh, and hey, happy 27th 26th birthday, Liz! Got NE special celebration planz?



  • At 12:23 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Oh god, I am now 26, and that is just four short years until official spinsterhood, and even if I get a husband now, there is no way he will be a good, fresh, new, clean, unused husband, he will be used, with baggage, because that is what happens when you wait to a very advanced age to get married, you have to settle, you don't get someone amazing, just look at Connie Poirier, she was a skank whore for years, sleeping with whatever doctor or trumpet player Mom fixed her up with, and having illegitimate babies by Brazilian lovers, and remember, that baby turned out gay, which is fine for a Patterson friend but not for a Patterson, as Mom reminds me every time I say I am going to chuck men and just marry Candace, but anyway, my point is, in the end, Connie ended up with a divorced banker with kids who is fairly unattractive, wouldn't you just rather die than marry someone like that?

    I don't remember what my point was now, but anyway, why do you keep calling me 27, I'm totally not, that would be only three years to spinsterhood and I would probably have lots of wrinkles if I were, also, I am so depressed your friend Luis didn't show up yesterday, thanks to him I had to give the class their white man's exams after all, but I am still interested in seeing his "amor," it might be good for a presentation to my class next year, maybe he could come over to my apartment tonight and show it to me?


  • At 2:58 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear Shannon,

    I am confused about something. Normally, when I have heard you talk--which I admit has not been often, as I try to avoid being seen with you--you have long pauses between syllables in words. But when you did your speech in the cafeteria, you could say whole words without a problem. The long pauses came between words.

    Does this mean you are making progress in speech therapy? Or does it just mean that you forgot how you are supposed to talk? Or was it just a courtesy to us, your listeners, because your usual way of speaking would have made your boring speech five times longer?

    I admit, I fell asleep when you were talking about some surgery or whatever.


    P.S.--My friend and future father-in-law Thorvald says that, back in Viking times, they would have cast you out onto an ice floe to die.

  • At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg ger, that wuz totally insensitive!

    what i don't get is, how come a cleft palate made her short and "mentally slow," or whatevs?


  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, u know v. well that when u were in university, liz had the witch of corbeil officially change yr year of birth from 1980 to 1981, then got u (and candace, 2!) 2 stay in uni 4 a 5th yr, hoping that no1 wd notice.


  • At 3:11 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzman said…

    Chica, give me your address, and I will bring my amor to your apartment this afternoon!


  • At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…

    Rebeccah, I may or may not have answered your question, depending on whether there was more to my speech, to be discussed in April's blog entry tomorrow morning. I think we'd better wait.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:19 PM, Anonymous Howard Bunt said…


    Today, the Newlyfoobs producers wanted to stage a confrontation between me and Gerald. Gerald was supposed to declare that Thorvald McGuire (Becky's father) is his future father-in-law, and when I remind him that Becky is my fiancée, and that Thorvald is going to be my father-in-law, fisticuffs are supposed to ensue. This hasn't gone so well, because in take after take, Gerald bursts into tears instead of slugging me. The producers were very frustrated and are now out getting pizza from Double-D Pizza, which you might remember from one of your birthday celebrations.

    Meanwhile, Becky is considering whether some jail time might be good for her career, considering what it's already done for Paris Hilton. I've been reminding her that Milborough is not Los Angeles, and for me, having been in prison hasn't gotten me on Larry King.

    I just thought you might be interested.

    Howard Bunt


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