April's Real Blog

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Standing on Tables and Bloggoversary

Yeah, so I'm still talking abt that lunch w/Shannon et. al. from this past Monday, and it loox as tho I'll go rite back 2 talking abt it on Monday, cuz what I'm abt 2 tell U def. does not wrap things up.

OK, so U mighta noticed a pattern was forming during this lunch. Sum peeps talk abt the telethon 4 a bit, then sum1 walks by an' sez sumthing mean. Back 2 talking abt the telethon. Another mean comment. Lather, rinse, repeat. Well, we're abt 2 lather again w/this next installment. Faith had gone rite back 2 talking 2 me abt the telethon, saying, "April, I know who 2 ask abt being in the the telethon, if U wanna B in it." Then sum toothy guy, with his sleeves pushed up 2 his elbows and his hands in his pockets, walked over 2 the table, all "Koo-koo! Koo-koo!" And suddenly, Shannon stood up, scrunched her eyes 2gether, and yelled, "THAT'S E...NUF!!!" Then she went 2 stand on a chair, which I steadied 4 her, as Faith asked, "Shannon? What R U doing?" And I was like, "R U gonna stand on the table?" Which, Y did I assume that? But I was rite, Shannon sed, "YES!" and she climbed up on2 the table, where she was all, "I'm ... gon...na... stand ... up .... 4 ... ALL ... of us!" I kinda think she mighta gotten ahold of the Patterson Handbook of Taking the Figurative Literally, © 1979, but I didn't get a chance 2 ask.

I'd tell U what happened next, but my usual Patterson memory lapse is kicking in, so I'll hafta hold off until Monday (U know what Sundays R like around here.)

But meanwhile, 2 day is my 2-YEAR BLOGGOVERSARY! Can U believe it? And guess what? In honour of this occasion, Steph has finally yanked that mbarrassing fakey "April's Blog" she had going @ Mom's website. Tho that's not the "official" reason she gives over there. In the 1st installment of the replacement, "Elly's Coffee Talk," the reason given is "April decided she didn't want to blog anymore because she's too busy with her friends, her job, her band, and her plans for summer vacation, so she's given the blog up." LOL, rite, as U can C I'm not 2 bizzy 2 blog. And it's not like I spent NE time on that "fridge threw up its pix in2 blog 4mat" chronicle that Steph had over there, with my name on it! But big thanx 4 taking that down. And how LOLful is this: "Elly, newly retired, was up for the challenge - and she decided that it was time to learn to use a computer!" Ha, she's been vowing 2 learn how 2 use 'puters 4evs. It's sort of like how she alwayz vows 2 "lose the lard"!

NEway, happy Bloggoversary 2 me, and thanx 2 all of U who post here and read here and make this so much fun!

I'm still in Montreal, but I'll prolly B home this evening. I'm gonna check out the Disney show at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts.



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  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    after i posted, my mom called me on my cell and told me i hadta hurry home 2 help out w/a yard sale they're having. i'm on the bus now and i'm almost home. i have a feeling i'll b telling u abt the sale in 2morrow morning's blog entry.


  • At 12:52 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    Congratulations on your Bloggoversary. I am so proud you hit 2 years when you were writing about you and me having lunch.

    You’ve written about me all week. That is so nice of you. That’s the longest you have written about me in a long time. I knew you would talk about my speech on top of the table. I think it was the bravest thing I have ever done. I couldn’t have done it without you, the nicest girl in Milborough standing beside me. You held the chair when I got on it. You held the table when I got on it. You helped me off the table. You told me what a good job I did when I was done. I wish the tables at school weren’t so wobbly. I’m not that heavy.

    I think everyone in the cafeteria knows they can’t say anything mean to the Special Needs kids anymore. They know if they bother me again, I will get on top of a table and start yelling. I stood up for all of us Special Needs kids, except the ones who were sitting at the other tables no one was bothering. In honour of my speech, the cafeteria workers put up a sign that said, “No standing on tables. That means you, Shannon Lake.” They know I am tough. No one is going to bother us again. The rest of the week people told me parts of my speech back to me, and no one called me Winkie, or Koo-Koo, or egghead. I did a good thing for the Special Needs kids.

    The rest of the day after my speech was not as good. The principal called my mom to pick me up and they had a long talk about what kind of medications I was taking. Then mom and I had a long talk about appropriate behaviour. We talked about how dangerous it is to stand on a table which is not built for holding people. Then she took me to my doctor and I told my doctor about all the insults-- the Koo-koo, the Winkies, the long story from evil Jeremy Jones, and the egghead insult. My doctor wondered if I had heard the insults right, because those didn’t really sound like insults to her. We talked a long time about how just because someone says something and walks away; it doesn’t mean it’s an insult, even if I am sitting by a Patterson. My doctor had a neat book called, Just Because a Patterson Says It, It Doesn’t Mean It’s Right. He said he wrote it himself after he moved his practice to Milborough. The doctor and I talked for a long time.

    I hope you had a good time in Montreal. I can’t wait to read what else you write about me next week. I will read about the yard sale too.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. Congratulations on your Bloggoversary.

    I have a question. This telethon you want the band to play for the Special Needs kids. Will there be speeches by Shannon Lake? You reminded me about her speech on Monday. I think I do not want to play the telethon if I have to listen to speeches like that. Shannon Lake reminded me a fiery, Latina enojada speaking after she has had too much to drink. Everyone is happy when she stops talking.

    I have an afternoon of love planned with your hermana, Elizabeth. Does she have any skin oil allergies?

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 1:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    luis, u will hafta ask shannon abt her plans @ the telethon & u'll hafta ask liz abt her allergies. i dunno the answers 2 those questions.

    i'm back @ home and the yard sale has begun. i wish i'd stayed in montreal!


  • At 1:18 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, congrats on ur bloggoversary & 4 outlastin’ the other fake blog. thass just gr8.

    aftah ur parade disaster yesterday, honoria & i went 2 an outdoor barbecue w/my new skool club SNIT (Special Needs Insulting Team). we hadda gr8 tyme. it’s funny the guy who sed “koo-koo! koo-koo!” 2u guyz on monday gotta a lotta grief 4 such a lame insult aftah miriam did the 1 ‘bout the winkies (frum the wizard of oz) just b4 him.

    the peeps in SNIT all luvved shannon’s speech. it gave them so much material 4 the rest of the week. i think it also helped that a lotta the special needs peeps didn’t wanna sit by shannon 4 the rest of the week aftah that speech. i think they were eatin’ in the special education room. so wen they quoted bits of shannon’s speech back 2 her, it wuzn’t like they were pickin’ on the othah special needs kids, who didn’t make the speech.

    oh, & i think sum1 got the whole speech & put on youtube under “crazy winkie makes a speech”. thass if u wanna watch it again.

    in case u were wonderin’, honoria luvs the new, youngah, thinner me. she duzn’t like i don’t have the corbeil certificate of goodness nemore; but she sez a bad boy w/a trust fund iz bettah than a good boy w/o a trust fund ne day.

    have a good tyme @the yard sale 2morrow. mebbe i’ll stop by & c if there’s nethin’ i wanna buy. do u get ne money frum it, or is it all ur mom’s stuff?

  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    oh, the yard sale is 2day. sorry. i'll come by 2day then. if there r ne insult joke books, i definitely want thoze 4 b-ing in SNIT.

  • At 1:37 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It’s good to see you accepting some responsibility with the yard sale, after you clearly failed to keep up your Fake Blog and mom had to step in to do it. That excuse you gave, “I never did that Blog in the first place” was pretty miserable. Then the one that followed, “I am too busy with my friends, job, band, and plans for summer vacation to keep up that stinking fake Blog too.”

    That was just ridiculous. You haven’t spent any time with your friends since you had a fight with them in early June. And we all know having lunch with your friend Shannon doesn’t count.

    Supposedly you only work a few days a week at Lilliputs, but no one has seen you there since mom retired. Your band hasn’t performed since October. And you have no plans for summer vacation, because you’re going to work up in Winnipeg for Auntie Bev, just like the last 2 summers. And judging from the state of our garden, the yard, and the cleanliness of our house; you clearly have not been working for me and Deanna to make that money you wanted to buy a car.

    Fortunately for you, mom was feeling she was in the mood to take the Blog over for you, which is pretty nice of her, considering how you wrecked her statue by not showing up for your parade yesterday. Be sure to sell lots of things at the yard sale to make it up to her.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Congratulations on two great years of Blogging. Don’t worry about your brother’s comments. I’ve seen you at Lilliputs’. In fact, I only go there when you’re there, so I can avoid those confrontations with Beatrice Alfarero over my engagement to Becky. The whole thing upsets her for some reason. Probably because we were involved a long time ago.

    I am going to miss your Fake blog though. There were all those cute pet pictures and pictures of people’s kids. I can’t wait to get married and have a child of my own. The wedding preparation is going very slowly with the Newlyfoobs reality TV show going on. They found out your friend Shannon’s speech was on youtube, so we had to watch it and look for Becky in the background, while Newlyfoobs recorded us. Gerald said something about how he was glad Shannon didn’t mention him calling her a retard. Becky is pretty much of the opinion that Shannon has screwed over the telethon because, as she puts it, no one wants to give money to Special Needs people who look scary, insane and might want to hurt you.

    Fortunately, most of the people who would watch a telethon at a mall in Milborough are not people who watch something on youtube. That’s what I think. Becky is not so sure. After all, if your mother is feeling computer literate enough to take over your fake Blog with her own, then there’s got to be some other people in Milborough who will too. You know how your mother is with starting trends in this town.

    The Newlyfoobs people really want Becky, Gerald and me to stop by your yard sale, so they can capture what they hope will be a fight between you and Becky or Gerald, and maybe your sister and me, if your sister is there. They really want me to make catty comments about any old clothes that may be for sale. I am not really in the mood for fighting, but I think I am up to making comments about your mom’s fashion statements. So, we might stop by.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, the yard sale is mostly mom an' dad's stuff, tho there are a few of my old toys and cd's up 4 sale. i tried putting out more of my old stuff, but mom got all sentimental again and brot most of it back in.

    mike, i know u like 2 criticize me and all, but u r actually criticizing me 4 "xxcuses" i didn't even make, 4 not maintaining a blog that i wasn't even involved w/? that's low, even 4 u.


  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 vouching 4 me howard. btw, the books u requested the last time u came by lilliput's shd b in monday. come by around 4. bea will b on break then.

    btw, it's just me, mom, and dad working the sale.


  • At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. Where is your hermana, Elizabeth? She told me yesterday to meet her at her school at 2:15 pm and no one is here, except a man cleaning the floors. Luis is ready for amor, but your hermana is not ready for Luis.

    I know what has happened. It happens to Luis all the time. If a woman is with Luis, she knows she will never want to be with another man. Some women are scared and frightened of being shown the amor a Latino can give them. Your hermana has missed the chance of a lifetime, to be with me. But Luis can forgive. A Latino is always ready to share his amor. When your hermana calls Luis, she can still get my amor.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 2:21 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, duzn't like much there i wud like @ur yard sale. if honoria & i stop by, it will prolly b just so honoria can talk 2u 'bout wut she is suppozed 2 do az my gf, now ur supposed 2 h8 me in addition 2 not talkin' 2 her bro, gerald. she'z kinda confuzed 'bout the whole thing.

  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks for the tip on when to go by Lilliputs'. Unfortunately, the Newlyfoobs people read my comment and since they like conflict, they want me to go over when Beatrice is there, so they can put up a little sign on the bottom of the screen that says, "Crazy ex-Girlfriend from Argentina", kind of like the sign they plan to put on the Shannon Lake speech video which says, "Newlyfoobs would like you to know that most people with Special Needs don't act like this, and our use of this footage should not be taken as an endorsement by Newlyfoobs of this Special Needs person's behaviour."

    We are off to Lilliputs' for some books and a battle. Oh joy!

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, mom is selling sum old, small-sized dresses she's had in her closet since the l8 70s. honoria mite like sum of them 4 when she wants 2 have a vintage look, mayB as a costume. also, there's a crazy-lot of lamps. i kinda remember honoria mentioning the wine cellar where she sleeps is pretty dark. i'm kinda mortified that mom's trying 2 sell an old set of hot rollers (ew!). she's even trying 2 sell wrapping paper and vinyl lp's ($2 ea). tho u mite b able 2 use the lp's if u r asked 2 do sum 80s-themed dj nite where u hafta "scratch," eh?

    howard, aw, sorry 2 hear abt that. oh, here u come, with becky, ger, and the camera crew!


  • At 3:25 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Obviously you can't talk to my class on a weekend, I meant on Monday afternoon, and you have misspelled a word in the phrase "afternoon of education," education is spelled E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N, not L-O-V-E, but anyway, I hope you will still bring your "amor" with you on Monday, which I assume is the title of your speech about being a refugee.


  • At 7:48 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    There are some women who call an afternoon with Luis an E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N and not L-O-V-E. Luis understands. It happens all the time when I spend time with los chicas blanca. Do not worry, Elizabeth. I will bring my amor with me on Monday. Luis always has his amor. There are some women who like Luis to talk about his life as a refugee while he giving away his amor. It is a game they play called, “The refugee and the innocent ESL teacher.” I can tell it is a game you want to play. Luis can do that. I will see you on Monday.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, az honoria called it, ur mom’s dresses were out-of-style evn in the 1970s, but we did get a lamp or 2 while u were distracted by gerald, becky, & howeird. the vinyl lps were innerestin’. i didn’t know there were peeps in canada who were tryin’ 2 do bobby curtola-style musick @the same tyme he wuz. these will be gr8 4 scratchin’. sorry we left early, but honoria wuz gettin’ seriously sick lookin’ @ur mom. i think she’z nevah seen ur mom do that b4.

  • At 8:07 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry about all that when we went to your yard sale. I knew the Newlyfoobs reality TV show people were going to try to goad you into an outburst by having Gerald and Becky provoke you. They never suspected the real reason I was carrying all those baked goods. There is nothing like a good distraction is all I can say. While the Newlyfoobs people were filming your mom gorging herself on 10 kg of brownies amazed at how much she can eat, Gerald and Becky’s makeout session was completely overlooked. I know it upset you, but you probably noticed they stopped kissing as soon as they realized the cameras were not on them, which should tell you something.

    Sorry Gerald broke that table when he got on top of it and said, “Look at me, I’m Shannon Lake, standing up for all the retards!” That twisted knee will keep him from making fun of Shannon for awhile. And I was sorry when your mom said my purchase of the broken table was the most money you guys made all afternoon. I hope things were going better after we left.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i'll tell u more abt what happed when i post 2morrow morning, but what's really crayzee is that after mom scarfed down all thoze brownies, she wiped her mouth with a roll of paper towels, belched, and then sed, "what else have u got?" the producers were astounded.

    it wasn't ne fun c-ing ger and becks makin' out, but getting the brownies 2 mom did cut that short, thanx! and ger deserved what he got 4 making fun of shannon like that! if we don't break up, he really hasta fix his attitude!



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