April's Real Blog

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Inevitable Pun on "Best Man"

U mite remember that Dad stopped off @ Mayes Midtown Motors recently, 2 have his car serviced. After having a convo w/Anthony, he went off 2 the restaurant. NEway, Dad sez that when he was in the restaurant having cinnamon buns and coffee, Anthony came in and joined him. Dad was all, "So, U took care of the accounting questions Julia had?" Anthony was like, "Oh, sure, it was really a simple matter after all." Then Anthony told Dad, "Julia is such a great girl, John!" Dad's face musta darkened, cuz Anthony was all, "No, w8, I know what U're thinking. I mean she's a gr8 girl b-cuz she encouraged me 2 declare myself 2 Elizabeth @ Shawna Marie's wedding!" Then Dad's face musta been all sunshine an' flowers, and Anthony told him abt how Julia was all, "As yr friend, Anthony, I've gotta tell U.... that girl U're so crazy abt still cares!" And how Anthony was like, "MayB," and Julia came back w/"What 'mayB'? Of COURSE she does! C the way she looks @ U? I think U shd make a move." Anthony told Dad abt being all, "Really?" And how while they watched the groom removing the garter from Shawna Marie's garter, w/Dawn, Liz, and Mason standing by Shawna-Marie, Julie went, "Absolutely. If U want that girl, 2day is the day 2 tell her so." Anthony was like, "But Julia, she's w/the best man!" And Julia winked @ him, all "U're better."

Dad sez that he told Anthony, "She encouraged U 2 declare yrself 2 Elizabeth and she made a pun on 'best man'? I knew I liked her! Say, give her this!" He extracted from his wallet a coupon for a free cleaning @ his dental clinic.

Jeremy, thanx again 4 getting Axel and me in2 the Fergie show @ Koolhaus. We had the most awesum time! Tho I hafta say, when Honoria asked U 2 settle once an' 4 all that rumour abt Fergie being a man in drag, I don't think that was what she had in mind!


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  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.

    Alyssa: Howard, Jen and I have spent so much time with you this week. It’s a good thing your bride-to-be isn’t a jealous type. Let’s see, I think we were talking about getting pictures taken weren’t we? Is that where we were?
    Jen: Yes. We were taking pictures under the tent in front of the flower and ribboned up arch where the wedding ceremony took place. We managed to convince Mason that he needed to stand with the groomsmen, because he was all over Elizabeth in most of the pictures.
    Alyssa: Fortunately for us, our missing groomsman showed up out of nowhere. Shawna-Marie’s groom was pretty mad he hadn’t been there for the rehearsal or for the wedding, but the guy was like, “Man. I didn’t wake up until a few minutes ago. That was one hell of a bachelor party and those strippers were…” And then Shawna-Marie’s groom just said, “Shut up!” And he got the groomsman to strong arm Mason into standing in the right place.
    Jen: Then the only other problem was Elizabeth. The photographer kept saying, “Bridesmaid in the violet. Can you smile and look at the camera? Stop frowning and looking over at your right, please!”
    Alyssa: It took forever. Anthony Caine and his date Julia were over to the right looking at us getting our picture taken, but Elizabeth kept saying, “I have to give Anthony meaningful looks.” I was just to her right and said, “If I were to read the meaning in those looks, I would say you have constipation. Unless someone is standing by Anthony interpreting for him, he’s going to think you need to go to the washroom.” But Elizabeth didn’t pay any attention to me or the photographer, and I think the photographer shot the shots anyway, whenever Elizabeth was accidentally looking the right direction or when the photographer said, "Look to your left! It's Sasquatch!"
    Jen: Constipation. That was a good one, Alyssa. I can tell you whenever Elizabeth smiles, it’s like someone pinched her face together. You can tell she’s not used to showing her teeth for anyone. The part I found the most distracting was Julia, trying to encourage Anthony to make a move on Elizabeth. I was all the way over to the right in my bridesmaid spot for those pictures and I could hear her clearly. I kept thinking, “I hope he waits until we are done taking pictures, before he does anything stupid.” Fortunately, he did, but when he finally approached Elizabeth, it was possibly the stupidest thing I had ever seen.
    Me: How about if we leave that part for next week.
    Jen: What about tomorrow? Or are you taking Sunday off? I wouldn’t have figured you to be a religious man, considering you’re wearing a short dress and all.
    Me: Things change on Sundays in Milborough.
    Alyssa: Don’t I know it. Things seem more colourful and I could swear I remember Elizabeth saying that on Sundays, she still had a boyfriend named Paul.
    Me:I am pretty sure her ex-boyfriend Paul doesn’t think that way.
    Alyssa: OK. Well, leaving that part out, the next weird thing that happened was that Shawna-Marie and her groom decided to jump to throwing the garter, which you know, normally happens a lot later in the reception. I said to Jen, “Well it’s her wedding. Maybe she wants to do it early to make her mother mad.” So Liz and Dawn were kind of down there by Shawna-Marie’s legs while the groom took it off. I kept saying to them, “Back off. This is just the bride and groom.” But no one would listen to me or Jen. It just looked weird to have Elizabeth and Dawn so close staring at Shawna-Marie’s leg, like they wanted to be next after the groom.
    Jen: No, the really weird thing was what Mason was doing. I think he heard that stuff Julia was saying to Anthony Caine, because he got right behind Elizabeth really close like almost dry-humping her and he was looking right over at Anthony and Julia. I think Julia realized she had been overheard, because she started whispering then, but you could still hear her. She has a loud whisper. It was awful. I thought for sure, Elizabeth was going to turn around and slap Mason, but she didn’t. She seemed oblivious to it all.
    Alyssa: Then we got to the throwing of the garter and you’ll never guess who caught it.
    Me: I think we can stop here.
    Jen: Howard, you are such a tease. Well, alrighty then. We’ll see you Monday. I have to go work out from all these desserts you have been bribing Alyssa and me with all week.
    Alyssa: True. True. But I’m not complaining.

    That was it. More Monday, assuming you do your usual Sunday subject-changing blog entry.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, glad u liked the show. i figgered u wud mention that particular part of the fergie show @the koolhaus last nite. fergie sed she wunted the 2 oldest dudes in the audience 2 come up 2 the stage 2 dance w/her in honour of father’s day on sunday, & she points 2 the 80-year-old guy who’s the janitor in the koolhaus & she points 2 me. so aftah havin’ fergie grind her pelvis on my leg during that song, i think i can say w/authority fergie is a girl & not only that but she has had a brazilian.

    aftah the show, fergie wunted 2 talk 2 me & my “granddaughter” honoria. she wuz like, “it’s so good 2c old peeps who r willin’ 2 take their grandkidz 2c me perform. i’m glad the older generation izn’t all made up of prudes & ur granddaughter obviously loves u, cuz she hugs & kisses u so much.” then while we had pix made w/fergie & her dancers, & u & axel were standin’ off 2 the side, i cud hear axel talkin’ 2u ‘bout makin’ a move on sum guy evn tho he’s w/anothah girl. @1st i thot he wuz talkin’ ‘bout u & gerald, but it didn’t make ne sense cuz gerald wuzn’t there.

    but aftahwardz, wen axel suggested that u & me & honoria & he cud do the london bridge like in fergie’s song, the look on ur face & honoria’s face wen he described wut that is wuz priceless. i wish i hadda pic of that. i wud evn trade the pic we have of me & honoria w/fergie 4 it. i wuz almost afraid u2 had stopped breathin’ till honoria started n2 axel ‘bout how a lady wudn’t do sumthin’ like that. axel is kinda an oldah guy, so mebbe he’z done that kinda stuff b4. i dunno.

    neway, i gotta study sum 4 next week’s xxamz & then i have 2 wedding receptions 2 work. 1 this afternoon & 1 2nite. 4tun8ly, the koolhaus duzn’t have nething but djs 4 the rest of the weekend.

    i guess ur back 2 study groupin' it w/eva & duncan which is prolly innerestin', altho u haven't mentioned it all week.

  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, howard, i was wondering abt that other groomsman! i cda sworn liz had sed sumthing abt him 2 me one of the times she was over @ our house "borrowing" food. and lolfulness on liz lookin' constip8ed when she tries 2 smile!

    jeremy, what u heard axel sayin' was his way of parodying the anthony-julia convo. i had just finished telling him abt it cuz i was already thinkin' abt what i was gonna rite this in this morning's blog entry. he does make me way hot 4 him, tho, like london bridge an' all.

    i still don't get y fergie thot u were old enuf 2 b honoria's g'father. i totally don't c the "jeremy loox so old" stuff every1 else always seemz 2.

    yeah, i've been studying w/dunc, eva, josh the geek god, and salem drewson. there's not that much 2 tell, but the study modules josh developed on his puter r super-awesum and they've totally helped us w/our xxams.


  • At 12:39 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Yes, it has come to this. Dad has finally had to take the Anthony / Elizabeth matter into his own hands. I think he was emboldened by his success in convincing mom to leave our house for the Stibbs’ place. It is interesting to see a change come over him, to believe he can actually accomplish things on his own without mom telling him what to do.

    He has approached Anthony directly over the years to encourage him to be aggressive in asking Elizabeth out, but Anthony seemed to be unable to declare himself for Elizabeth except in situations where he felt as though he had rescued her: Howard Bunt’s near rape, Howard Bunt’s trial testimony, test-driving a car. I think it had to do with some fantasy Anthony had in middle school about rescuing Elizabeth from drowning and giving her mouth-to-mouth. Considering Elizabeth’s disgusting Lizardbreath, that sounds like a nightmare to me.

    Dad tried to explain to Anthony that ladies were emotional after trauma and these were not the best times to express your feelings, but Anthony seemed to be hooked on that one thing. I think he was waiting for the next time Elizabeth needed to be rescued, and that is why hadn’t made any moves before.

    Finally, dad met Julia in his dental office, and discovered that she worked as an accountant for Gordon Mayes and realized he had met just the woman to handle the situation. She was friendly, outgoing, well-mannered, overweight, a flamboyant dresser, not afraid to show off her teeth and basically everything that Liz is not; so there would be no chance of her attracting Anthony. I think dad must have had a little chat with Gordon Mayes about a special financial investment he wanted to make in his business and things were on their way. I don't see how what happened at the wedding makes any sense otherwise.

    We all know what happened ultimately, even though you are keeping your readers in suspense. However, I can say, that Julia was one of the best financial investments dad has ever made, and I didn’t even go to school with her.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, so axel wuz doin’ a parody, wen he wuz talkin’ ‘bout u makin’ a move on sum guy. thass weird, but it happens a lot ‘round here.

    & u did wanna do the london bridge thing he talked ‘bout? i nevah wud’ve figgered that, but mebbe az long az no1 is tellin’ every1 in skool ‘bout thingz & keeps it quiet, ur not az prudish az peeps think. i guess i shud be glad honoria spoke up & sed she didn’t wanna do it, cuz i rilly didn’t wanna do it. sumtymez, if ur a rilly passive guy, it’s good 2 have an aggressive girl around 2 help u out, eh?

    thanx again 4 sayin’ i don’t look that old. i think ur the only 1 who thinks i look 16.

    i guess it’s good u haven’t hadd ne probs w/dunc & eva & josh & salem drewson in ur study group. bettah grades, evn if u don’t have ne good stories 2 tell ‘bout it.

  • At 1:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i m still trying 2 figure out whether axel has an irreverent sense of humour or if he's, like, totally kinky. i'm not as prudish as ppl think, but i'm not the complete opp either, iykwim. it was a relief that honoria was all "nfw" (well, the ladylike version of that).

    salem and i were discussing piercings. she's got a pierced navel, brow, and nose. she was telling me i shd take the plunge and get real piercings 'steada the clip ons i've been trying out. mayB in sept, eh?

    mike, i knew dad was up 2 sumthing! btw, 2morrow morning, if merrie an' robin wake u up early, b-ing all enthusiastic abt father's day? i hope u won't act like b-ing the father of small children is sum horrible burden and b-ing left alone wd b the best dad's day ever.


  • At 2:27 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, well, thoze clip-on navel rings u have r kinda odd, but i thot u were rilly big n2 the no piercings thing. is that 1 of thoze thingz that changed wen u turned 16?

  • At 2:32 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Actually, since I will be the man of the Sharon Park Drive house by next month, dad has been coaching me on the proper behaviour for a Patterson man over Father’s Day. Tomorrow morning, I plan to put his advice into practice. You can trust that whatever I do tomorrow will be the result of his years of Patterson fathering knowledge and will have his full approval and acceptance for once. Dad says it is very important that I learn to be just like he was by September. I am not sure what the big push is, but I am sure Deanna will let me know eventually.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, not a "16" thing, just a "trying diff things" kinda thing.

    mike, well, that makes me sad. if u r taking coaching 4 dad, i m sure that doesn't mean enjoying yr children and delighting in fatherhood. shame.


  • At 4:48 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As a teenager, you are supposed to be in a constant state of sadness. I certainly can't take credit for it being due to my own or dad's fathering skills. Dad tells me that when September comes it will be important that my experiences match his own, since it will aid me in reminiscing about the past when he was the father and I was the son. That's more important than trying to make you happy on Father's day.

    In case you've missed mom, she's been at the baby shower . She called to say she reminisced about your birth to Joan. I wonder if I am going to reminisce about my own birth or Liz's in September. Somehow I have this feeling I won't. I never can seem to remember anything before Liz was a few years old.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, yeah, 1 4got abt mom having that baby shower 2 go 2. last time she got 2gether w/that book-club crowd, she went back 2 her old hairstyle.

    no, mike, i m NOT supposta b in a "constant st8 of sadness." and yes, u R 2 blame. i'm sad cuz yr kids deserve a dad who thinx being a father is GR8 and they DON'T have one. and don't go using dad as an xxcuse. even if, 4 sum reason, u r required 2 reminisce a lot abt yr childhood and compare it 2 yr children's childhood, that doesn't mean u hafta make yrself in2 a dad clone.


  • At 7:26 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I know as a Patterson, it is our standard to blame our problems on other people and I accept that you have chosen to blame me for your sadness for these ridiculous reasons. However, I am not Tony the Tiger, so I don’t have to think being a father is “Grreat!” like animated talking tigers do. And of course, I am not going to make myself into a clone of a dad. I am a son, not a clone, although I will admit a lot of the letters between the two words are the same, so I can see why you would be confused.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm not blaming u 4 "[my] sadness," mike. i'm blaming u 4 being a craptacular parent. if u were a decent person, u mite try 2 do better, but u r not, so u won't.


  • At 5:36 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I was sleeping soundly this Father’s Day morning and tucked comfortably into bed and wearing my usual sleeping ensemble of white t-shirt and red boxer underwear. I think I was having a dream about a place called “Snozzz” and there was scarecrow, a tin woodman, a cowardly lion, a little girl named Mud-pie, a little boy Rob-your-kin, and a Wizard called the Wonderlike Wizard of Snozzz. The wizard was sleeping one morning as the little boy and girl snuck up on him. The door guard had gone out to get a shower, a clear dereliction of duty, and the girl and boy crept into his room and leaned around the Wizard’s chest of drawers, and then…Well, then I was woken up by my son and daughter screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!!!” in multi-coloured letters. I bolted upright thinking the Wizard was under attack and I think the shock of that upward movement caused my eyeballs to clink together and my lower teeth to be shown. That hurt. My daughter grabbed my shoulder so she could shriek more loudly in my ear, while my son was content to keep his distance, probably because his eye had fallen out and so he lost his sense of perspective until he recovered it.

    My son jumped up and down on the end of the bed aiming for my feet (a painful kids’ game if there ever was one), I pulled my feet out of the way just in time. My daughter explained I should “Get up! Get up!” because “We made a card for you! Get up!!!” I was still holding my hand to my head when my lovely wife Deanna came back from having a shower, wearing her all pink shower ensemble.

    I rose up and put on my bathrobe, still bleary from the shock of being woken up in the middle of my dream, while I removed the children from our bedroom so they would not have to see their mother naked. While I was leading them away, my daughter was assigning credit to each portion of the card they made. I believe she made the cover which had the word “DaddY” on it and a picture of a stick figure man with his arms and legs splayed apart as if he had been dropped off a building. My son did the inside, which was a miniature reproduction of a Norman Rockwell painting on Father’s Day. I was about to compliment my son on his art, when he announced he was hungry.

    That request led us off to the kitchen where my children demanded two eggs over easy. As it was sizzling in the pan, with the special pan mom bought years ago that actually makes a sizzling sound when you cook even when the pan is not on the stove, my daughter decided she would try to teach Edgar the dog how to talk. She sat on the counter and repeated “Daddy, Daddy Daddy, Daddy!” to Edgar in the hope that he would repeat back what she had so articulately said. All Edgar could manage was “Bark Bark! Bark!” which, as you can tell, is not really very close. Edgar is not the brightest of dogs. The old Dixie dog was not faring much better with my son, who had removed her right front leg and her left eyeball, in order to wash them in the water in the dog dish. She begged me, while I was cooking, to retrieve her stolen items for her, but I ignored her. I knew once my son had cleaned them, he would return the eye and the leg.

    After consuming the eggs, this sparked a different desire in my daughter, which I suppose had something to do with her judgment on the quality of my cooking. She hung on my arm and said, “Can we go out? Are we gonna have dinner somewhere? What’s happening today? Hum? Dad?” I hadn’t made plans for Father’s Day. Usually I let Deanna plot it out, and she was up in the bedroom, so I yelled for her. My son was also summoning Deanna in his own special, stinky diaper way, which I thought was unusual, because I thought he was potty-trained. I guess Deanna must have put him one of those overnight diapers, especially for Father’s Day.

    Deanna responded to my son’s odor and when my children asked her if we were going out for dinner, she replied, “Yes, we’re going to go out for dinner.” My children exclaimed “Yaay!!” so simultaneously they shared a speech balloon between them. Deanna, freshly cleaned and dressed, picked up my son to take care of his little stench problem. Everything went dark for me, and I realized that I had been stricken by one of those roving silhouettes, which is such a problem for most Milborough residents.

    Later on, dad told me the red hot spark from some of the things the kids were doing woke him up and he didn’t recognize the sight of it. He said, “Whoa. What’s going on out there?” He said Mom replied, “Your son and your grandchildren are celebrating.” To which dad replied “Oh”. because he didn’t know how the heck mom had come to that conclusion from a red hot spark appearing through a wall. Then dad said mom was affectionate to him for the first time in many months as she wished him “Happy Father’s Day.” Dad said it was the best Father’s Day he had had in a long time.

    I will have to take his word for it. It took me awhile to wake up fully to enjoy mine.

    Michael Patterson


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