April's Real Blog

Monday, June 11, 2007

Shawna-Marie's Wedding

Looks like Shawna-Marie has had her wedding. Liz posted a comment last nite 2 start telling abt it:

Ha ha, I get another week, bet you're mad about that, you have to talk about me for a whole nother week, ha ha ha ha ha!

Well, the wedding was on Saturday, I didn't want to tell you about that before, I wanted to save it and surprise you about getting at least one more week to make you talk about me on your blog, but it was Saturday.

Although I was really looking forward to making you talk about me a lot, the wedding started off really boring, Shawna-Marie's mom yelled at us to hustle, which I thought was rude, I was busy helping with the flowers, all the rose petals kept falling off the petals in the centerpieces and Dawn and me had to glue the petals all back on, it was taking forever, and an accident with the Krazy Glue made one of the flowers stick to the front of my dress, it was almost a disaster, until Dawn suggested that all the bridesmaids glue a flower between their bosoms, which for some reason everyone seemed to like this idea, even though it was ugly, and it means we can never wear these dresses again, because of the big glue stain between our bosoms.

Anyway, Shawna-Marie's mom kept yapping out orders, it was so annoying, so I decided my big helpful gesture would be to bolster Shawna-Marie's self-esteem, frankly, I have never seen her look so plain as she did in her wedding dress, I think it was because she wore her hair pulled back tightly, no makeup, and a white dress that only had little spaghetti straps, she frankly looked like your friend Duncan Anderson in a dress, but I remembered my vow to be helpful, and I told her she looked beautiful and I asked her how she was holding up, after all, it can't be easy to have all your roses falling apart and also look like a man on your wedding day, and also, the dress was pretty ugly, it was all wrinkly up top, I can't remember the name for that look, but anyway, it made her look fat, and I knew she must be crushed.

But Shawna-Marie said she was holding up fine, which I was suprised but pleased to hear, but then strangely she tried to lift up her dress and show me her underwear, I just laughed at what a big hick she is, and did my job as bridesmaid and kept her from lifting up her dress on the front steps of the church or hall or wherever we were at that point, I was kind of high from the glue fumes.

So, looks as though it's gonna B another "Liz" week, like she sez. I don't mind, really, cuz there R so many worse options. It cda been Dad and the choo-choos, Mike freaking out abt owning a house, Mom being totally anal retentive abt whatevs, Gramps having issues w/his therapists or continence or false teeth, or me having hissy fits abt Ger and Becks and the band. So talking abt Liz seems OK.


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  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I thought you might be interested in the comments my new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sisters’ fellow bridesmaids at Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding had about the same events your sister mentions.

    Alyssa said, “On the actual wedding day, the brides gathered at Shawna-Marie’s mother’s house to get dressed. It’s like a mansion with a long stairway up to the house and columns and a chandelier on the outside. A stupid house design, really. Who puts chandeliers on the outside of their house over a front doorway entrance? But it was nice-looking.”

    Jen said, “I was wearing my green dress, and Alyssa had on her yellow dress. Dawn had on aqua and Elizabeth had on her purple dress. As soon as they were dressed Dawn and Elizabeth disappeared. They said they were going to put the flower arrangements for the bridal party into boxes, but the florist had already dropped them off in boxes, so we don’t know what they were doing.”

    Alyssa said, “They said they were gluing the flowers. What they were really doing was avoiding having to help Shawna-Marie into her corset and into her dress with Shawna-Marie’s mother barking orders saying, ‘Bridesmaids! Get Shawna-Marie ready! Hustle, people! The cars will be here soon!”

    Jen said, “So, it was just me and Alyssa helping Shawna-Marie. It took 2 of us to lace her into that corset and we helped her on with her veil. I wanted to slap her mother yelling, ‘Bridesmaids! Veil! We haven’t got all day! Move it, move it, move it!’ It wasn’t much fun having to listen to her, but we did have a quiet moment where Alyssa and I got to do the tradition of giving the bride ‘Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’. That moment made up for all the ordering her mother was doing. Elizabeth and Dawn really missed out on that part of being a bridesmaid.”

    Alyssa said, “The limousines arrived and I went to help carry the wedding party flowers to the car. I passed Elizabeth and Dawn playing with the flowers like they had been doing something for the last hour. They said they had been gluing flower petals or something silly like that. Shawn-Marie’s mom barked at them to move the flowers, so I picked up a box and headed to the car.”

    Jen said, “I was trying to pick up Shawna-Marie’s veil, so she wouldn’t trip over it getting to the car, but Shawna-Marie’s mom said, ‘That’s the Maid of Honor’s job. Maid of Honor, the bride needs help with her veil’. So Dawn who was wandering around the stairs not even carrying flowers, came up the stairs to help me. Of course, Elizabeth picked this time to stop Shawna-Marie and tell her how nice she looked. So instead of helping me with the veil, Dawn had to pop around and join in on the conversation, which wasn’t anything more than Shawna-Marie talking about her corset.”

    Alyssa and Jen had more to say, but I think I will save it until your sister mentions it.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:44 PM, Anonymous Ned Flanders said…

    Top of the Monday to everyone! April, I was looking at the photos on your family's web site, and I must say that Elizabeth looked positively exquisite at her friend's wedding. I practidactically overlooked how the pink flowers clashed with the color of her dress. I'm waiting like an eager beaver to hear about the wedding and reception, although I hope the bride and groom were mindful as my beloved Maude and I were about our festivities, and that means no alcohol whatsoever! As long as the banquet hall stocks up on champale, near beer, mocktail mixings and sparkling grape juice, you'll have a holy and wholesome day to remember! Maude's great Uncle Bertram still vomited up his 14 O'Douls; it's the good thing the floor wasn't too large for the cleaning staff to mop up.



  • At 5:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, thanx 4 filling in the behind-the-scenes stuff u picked up from jen an' alyssa. i'm not sure y liz acted like she did, since she made such a big deal abt wanting 2 b v. useful 2 shawna-marie as a bridesmaid.

    ned, u mite wanna know that liz likes her alcoholic bevvies, esp. around new year's eve.


  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i didn’t get 2 talk 2u @skool 2day, cuz u left rite aft ur exam 2 go w/duncan 2 go 2 do his G1 drivers’ licence test. i didn’t get 2 really c much of honoria 2day. she did her home ec exam & her shop exam & i think all the rest of her tests r @angus martin public school 4 her grade 8 exams ‘till the end of school. it’ll b kinda strange not seeing her every day, but she haz her own study group 4 her grade 8 classes made up primarily of grade 8 girls who r d8in’ guys w/trust funds. i didn’t know there were a lotta thoze, but az honoria pointed out 2 me, u & gerald started early & u weren’t the only 1 in angus martin 2 go 4 a trust fund guy, just the 1st in ur class. honoria iz alwayz tellin’ me how mpressed she wuz u started w/gerald wen u were 11; altho honoria iz definitely not happ w/the current sitch between u & gerald.

    i still have my same study group w/eva & her friends who r all frum sum south american country b4 their ‘rents immigr8ed, kinda like ur sis’ friend shawna-marie. they mentioned the verano weddin’ & talked ‘bout how since shawna-marie verano wuz canadian-argentinian,where only 3% of the population iz black, the skin colour percentage of the weddin’ matched argentina. eva & her friends sed it wuz sum kinda weird mboro weddin’ rule, & they were happ their fam’s countries hadda lot higher percentage.

    in my examz, eva & her friends kinda sat by me, u may have noticed in the classes we have 2gethah. honoria told eva’z friends yesterday i had sum kinda trust fund, which i don’t b-lieve, but eva’z friends think i do. they r b-ing rilly helpful studyin’. i think i am gonna get rilly good grades this tyme.

  • At 6:31 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. When the Lizardbreath started going on about gluing flowers and wearing corsets, I became concerned that I had somehow missed out on a majour part of the proceedings of my second (fake) marriage. My lovely Deanna informed me that there was no corset-wearing or flower-gluing at our wedding, and she pointed out that her bridesmaids didn’t spend their time playing with our flowers either, even though her mother tried to run things even more than what Liz said Shawna-Marie’s mother did. As Deanna put it, big weddings are a lot classier, when they are fake.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:03 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    I've bn driving around the Mboro Credit Union parking lot w/ my dad. W00t! Happy 16th 2 me! Thanx 4 coming w/ me 2 the test.

    My mom & dad gave me sum cube pressies but the v best is the driving lessons. They start in Sept as soon as we get back fr Barbados.


    MCDunC Villeneuve

  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    I 4got. Ive got a bday cake. We r cutting it @ 8:30 pm. Bring Axel if u want 2.

    MCDunC Villeneuve

    p.s. Dont tell Evah.

  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky is back at work with her study group (the nerdy girls and Gerald) and they have consumed all of my supper and after supper snacks, so I have a little time to write to you.

    I was thinking about what your sister wrote about Shawn-Marie Verano’s wedding, and I can tell you that for my wedding, I do not plan to wear a corset under my wedding dress. There have been times in my past, when I have worn corsets under my clothing, but they were special occasions for special persons in my life who appreciated the sight of a man in corset. By the way, that’s not Becky. She thinks I have far too much chest hair to pull off a corset.

    In my wedding gown, and I think in Becky’s too, the most we would do would be maybe a girdle, or a long-line strapless bra, or a shaper. Don’t get me wrong, because I do like having muscles, but sometimes I prefer to look a little more feminine.

    Also, just to let you know, asking someone how they are holding up on their wedding day, like your sister did to Shawna-Marie, is a little rude. It’s the kind of question you would ask if something bad happened to the person. For example, if your sister and Anthony Caine got married, I might ask you that question on their wedding day.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:22 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hope this duzn’t screw up my study group. duncan’z mom called up eva & invited her 2 come ovah 2 help duncan celebr8 his 16th birthday. eva haz taken it az a sign duncan wunts 2 end their little break frum each othah & so she & her friends r off 2 buy a last minute “i 4give u” b-day prezzie 4 duncan. b4 they left, eva wuz talkin’ ‘bout wearin’ 1 of thoze sexy corsets under her clothez az a speshul surprise 4 duncan, if she can get him alone. she sed, “aftah duncan seez me in that corset, i won’t needta ask him how he’s holdin’ up.”

    so, i’m studyin’ by myself 4 the resta the night, it looks like. mom sed 2 me, “jeremy, how did u manage 2 drive off all thoze women? u have the worst luck w/girls.” she’z right. i think it’s the theme of my life.

  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, so @ dunc's house, we were abt 2 cut the cake, when eva and her other friends darted in2 the room, and dunc, like, dove out a window! that was almost an hr ago, and we still can't find him!


  • At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    This is just the kind of situation where a superhero is needed! I'll find MCDunC! Um, not saying I'm a superhero or anything like that, lol, that'd B crazy!


  • At 10:10 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I was walking our dogs (giant dog) Freyfaxi, (normal dogs) Zeus and Apollo while Becky and her study group were studying, when Zeus and Apollo smelled something in the bushes and started howling, and Freyfaxi burst away me from knocking over small trees chasing after whatever is was Zeus and Apollo howled at. My first thought was, “I wish I weren’t wearing my new high-heeled walking shoes.” My second thought was, “I wonder if our neighbour is going to miss a sheep this time.” My third thought occurred as I heard a familiar voice screaming, “Don’t let it eat me!” I ran after Freyfaxi and of course, broke a heel, and found him with Duncan Anderson in his mouth getting ready to shake his prey, as dogs like to do. I said, “Bad Freyfaxi! Human being! Don’t let the purple lips fool you! Human being! Put him down Freyfaxi.”

    Freyfaxi put Duncan down, and I was about go over and make sure he didn’t have any cuts or bruises, when this superheroine leapt out of nowhere and jumped between Freyfaxi and Duncan. She was wearing sort of a corsetty-kind of breast-plate kind of Wonder Woman kind of thing, except instead of big “W” shape on the breast plate, there was a large “A” instead. I swooned. I must admit I’ve always had a thing for Wonder Women kind of characters, because they were so masculine and yet so feminine at the same time.

    Freyfaxi apparently felt the same way and gave her a big lick. She said, “Back foul beast or I shall send you to the bowels of hell! So swears Abuja Woman.” Of course, Freyfaxi licked her again. She said, “Hey! Don’t make me threaten you again.” Then I heard a voice of someone hidden in the bushes saying, “Moooom! Just pick up MCDunC and leave. The dog can smell the steak you had for dinner.” The lady turned, effortlessly slung Duncan over her back, said, “Another problem solved by Abuja Woman”, and leapt away around the corner.

    Freyfaxi, Zeus, Apollo and I tried to follow but by the time we made it around the corner, they were long gone. Of course, my broken heel didn’t help. I wish I could tell you more, but that’s all I know.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 12:24 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I know you have been waiting with baited breath for my next story about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and by the way, about that, you should really not have breath that smells like bait, it's a turn-off.

    We were all standing at the altar at Shawna-Marie's wedding, watching her get married to whatever his name is, but instead of watching it, I was thinking about how Shawna-Marie, Dawn, and I used to talk about which one of us would get married first, well, back in the old days, Shawna-Marie and Dawn always said it would be me, because marriage is so important to Pattersons and Dawn believes in very long engagements and nobody believed that Shawna-Marie would find a man who could love a hick with a faux-Quebecois name who looks very masculine, especially when wearing a dress.

    But there we were, Shawna-Marie got married on Saturday and Dawn is getting married next year and I'll be a bridesmaid in that and guess what, I don't even have a boyfriend, so fate totally turned things around from what we thought, and as I realized that, I started to get kind of misty, and I thought about how great it is we have known each other since grade school, where I was always considered way prettier than those other two, and way more likely to get a man, and how nice it is that we still share our personal moments, such as weddings, unlike other people who have been best friends since grade school but who are just not as close as me and Dawn and Shawna-Marie, and do not invite their friends to weddings.

    It was just then that I started thinking about how weddings are full of very special personal moments, and I mean that in the sense of those commercials on TV for feminine products, I mean, we laughed over Shawna-Marie's underwear and I loaned Dawn a tampon at the bridesmaid's lunch, and we all heard Mrs. Verano's lecture on proper douching technique so as to be "fresh" for the wedding night, and just then, as I was thinking about douche, the most amazing coincidence happened, I spied Anthony from across the room, at least I think it was him, he didn't have a moustache, which struck me as a strange choice, but I will explain more tomorrow.



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