4 Mom or Not 4 Mom?
Here's the l8est from Liz, who posted last nite:
Apes
April,Don't worry 2 much abt Mike, Liz. U know he's totally clueless and can barely keep track of how he managed 2 have kids of his own. Oh, and speaking of Mike? He got in2 1 of his "reminiscing" moods, looking @ the old foto albums from the "whatnot" cabinet? And he came across sum pics of U the summer after U finished kindergarten, rite after Anne and Steve Nichols's baby Leah had been born. And Mike remembered that Mom had been talking abt how Richard and Christopher suddenly had 2 share a bedroom cuz Leah needed her own room. And U BEGGED Mom 2 give U a baby sister, and sed "she can share my room!" Mom laffed an' sed Liz musta given her the idea, and it only took her until 1990 B4 she actually got preggers. Mike chuckled and sed it's the Patterson way 2 take a long time 2 do things. 'Course, @ the time, Mom just yelled @ Liz, all, "Y can't U just nag me 4 a ghetto blaster, like every1 else?!?"
Well, I don't care if you and your stupid friends don't want to read about it, it's my week and I am going to tell you the rest of my story about trying to seduce Candace into being my husband, and you are going to print it in your blog whether you like it or not, got it?
Well next I asked Candace whether she thought she would ever marry Rudy, which was me hinting around to find out how things were going with them, after all maybe Candace had broke up with him and not told me, after all I didn't tell her about Paul being a cheating cheater cheat for months and months after I found out, but drat, no, she said she liked things how they were between them like they already were, which I gathered must mean pretty good, but then Candace said something bizarre about being "legally responsible" for her relationship with Rudy, which can't be good, I mean, I figure that means there is something illegal about what they are doing together and one of them is going to be brought up on charges, which made me feel renewed hope, if Candace and/or Rudy is going to get arrested for whatever sick and depraved sex acts they do together, then I have a chance.
So I mentioned that public declarations of love are traditional, and that made Candace say something about how she would never "cram her bones" into a flouncy white dress for tradition, which made me extremely happy, because in my imagination picture of our wedding, she is going to be the groom and will naturally wear the tuxedo, and I will be in the flouncy white dress, which of course has been my dream ever since I was a tiny girl.
But, at that moment, I could feel Candace gazing at me, and the gaze felt kind of heated, and I don't just mean in a friendship kind of way, but in a sexy marriage sort of way, so in order to impress Candace, who I know does not care too much about weddings, I said I would wear the flouncy white dress, but just because it would make Mom happy, which of course is a lie, but what is courtship, except a series of lies you tell a person in order to convince them to marry you? At that point, I felt things were moving along really good on my seduction plan.
Oh, and Mike, if I marry Candace, I will definitely be having babies from a turkey baster, why on earth would you think I would give up on babies, which are the whole reason for marriage in the first place, sheesh and double cheeze!
Liz
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:18 AM
16 Comments:
At 9:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. I think you are being a little rash when it comes to having children with Candace. There is no reason to pollute the Patterson bloodline by mating with an actual turkey using the “turkey baster” to translate the fertilizing solution from turkey to Patterson. Although I admit with her long slender neck, red hair, and angular look; Candace does bear a certain resemblance to a turkey, so people would probably think the ½ turkey / ½ Patterson children were her offspring. I might even prefer such offspring over the ½ Quebecois / ½ Caine child you would have to adopt marrying Anthony Caine, simply for the Patterson proportions; but not by much. After all Liz, you can barely keep yourself groomed with hair. I doubt you would have any idea how to work with feathers. And there would be all kinds of issues with mom wanting to eat them, at least ½ of them.
No, Liz. I think if you are going to have children, you should do it the “traditional” Patterson way—be tricked into it. Mom will be glad to tell you how I ruined her life by coming along unexpectedly (she’s told me enough times), and I know you have certainly heard stories about the effect my daughter had on my career and marriage. If you marry Candace, I think you should just find yourself pregnant one day and wonder how it happened.
I do think you are glossing over the Candace / Rudy “legally responsible for our relationship” comment. You could be facing another Anthony / Thérèse situation, and you might have to destroy the Candace / Rudy relationship first, before you can get a pledge of marriage from Candace. Considering that Anthony Caine has been divorced over a year now and still has yet to even ask you out on a non-trial-related date, you have clearly not worked out the details of finishing the deal off or even getting the guy to ask you out. Obviously, your technique of lying on your bed, holding a stuffed animal, and weeping profusely, is not working. Therefore, even if you destroy your potential husband Candace’s relationship with Rudy, it will be of no use to you, until you learn these key skills.
I can tell you for myself, I managed to get my lovely Deanna to destroy her relationship with that ex-fiancé of hers, but getting her to commit to marry me was a terrible struggle. I practically had to pretend I was going to commit suicide right after declaring my love for her in a loud and public way, before she relented. This is a possibility for you too. You certainly have developed mom’s skills at shrieking at the top of your lungs, so you have the volume. The only problem is that when you do that, you are possibly the least attractive woman on earth (aside from when mom does it), and I can’t think of any man or woman or even turkey who marry you after seeing you shriek. How do you feel about saying to Candace something like, “There’s a question you should ask me, or I am going to slip my neck into this noose.”? No, ignore that idea. Even that is too aggressive for a Patterson woman.
I am trying to think of all the times when mom told dad she loved him as an example, and I can’t think of any. When I asked mom about it, she starts talking about buying things for herself and getting dad not to buy things he wants. Perhaps if you could prevent Candace from buying something she really wants to buy, then she might realize how much she loves you. It seems odd, but it has kept mom and dad’s marriage alive all these years.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur sis wunts a marriage ceremony cuz of tradition? & she wunts 2 wear a flouncy, white weddin’ dress 4 her mom? jeez. just insert groom & minister here, kinda like she talked ‘bout candace sayin’ yestahday. i’m startin’ 2 feel a little sympathy 4 ur sis. i figgered if i evah got married it wud b cuz i found sum girl desperate enuff 2 wanna do that w/a guy who’s 16, but looks 40. if us sis iz goin’ aftah candace, she’z prolly az bad off az i am. if u can’t get anthony caine 2 propose 2u, then how much lower can u go?
my gf, honoria delaney-forsythe, sez that there r lots more reasons 4 the public declaration of luv in a marriage ceremony than just legal responsibility & tradition. she wud prolly lecture ur sis, if she thot it wuz “lady-like 2 intrude” az she sez it. accordin’ 2 honoria, “the large public declaration not only serves the benefit of gatherin’ togethah long distant family members for a celebration, but it is a declaration 2 other men interested in the bride she is now off-limits, & the largesse of the wedding celebration shows that she has married a man w/a significant enuff trust fund 2 show that no othah man wud be able 2 get her interest.” i asked her ‘bout her mom & stuff. honoria sed, “of course mater hazta b taken n2 consideration, cuz it is her day just az much az the bride’s. i wud certainly encourage mater 2 contribute az money az she wunted 2 the celebration so she cud feel az proud of the event az i wud.”
i like honoria, but i can kinda tell she’z not gonna marry a guy like me, who duzn’t have ne family money. in a couple of years, i cud prolly propose 2 ur sis. if i evah do that, u have my permission 2 kill me.
At 12:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u idiot, liz is not talking abt having a half-turkey baby. she is talking abt putting human sperm in2 a turkey baster and then using the baster 2 get herself preg. haven't u ever heard of that?
jeremy, i can't imagine killing u, but i'll bet dunc wd b happy 2 sic the cats on u if u want.
apes
At 12:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I thought having a half-turkey baby was a silly idea, but the idea of putting human sperm into a turkey baster and then using the baster to get yourself pregnant is even sillier. For one thing, as masculine as Candace may look, I don’t think she can make human sperm. For the second thing, I don’t think human sperm would do a very good job basting or moistening roasting meat. For the third thing, unless you are using a very unusual method to roast the meat, I would think the human sperm would be a little too cooked to be of much use. Then all you would have left is roasted meat that is too dry, and the woman might have burns from the roasted juice in areas of her body which are quite sensitive, unless she waited until the meat had cooled. You get either a sensitive woman and hot, dry meat; or moistened woman and cold, dry meat. Neither is a combination I could recommend, although thinking about it is getting me a little excited. I wonder if we have any turkey in the refrigerator.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hi diddily-ho, my boys Rod and Todd informed me of this "blog" of yours and I thought I'd drop myself by. From reading the entries of the past few weeks I'm so fortunate to learn of Elizabeth's elligible bachelorettehood. While my single status was sadly thrust upon me, I want to make lemons out of lemonade. Like Elizabeth, I'd love to be married, and definitely in a church. I can't get enough of the big C! So Elizabeth, if you'd like to get acquainted, it'd be a most Pattersonian pleasure!
Regardididdly,
Ned Flanders
At 3:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ugly brother,
You are a dum-dum, sheesh, you buy the sperms from some jerk on the internet, who sells them for profit, and then you put them in the turkey baster to shoot the sperms up into your womanly bits, no turkeys are involved, and Candace doesn't have to make the sperm, she just has to get a good job to support our family while I stay home to raise our kids, you know, I am really looking forward to being married to a doctor, even if she is going to be a fake doctor, you know, a peeaych-whatever, I'm sure she will bring home a very big salary to support me in a nice Milborough home to which I am accustomed, now if only I can get her to dump Rudy, does anyone have any advice, remember, the subtler the better, I prefer sneaky to obvious.
Liz
At 3:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
liz,
if u want ur best friend 2 break up w/ her bf, u should tell her he's a selfish jerk who is spredding sexxx rumors abt her, an' that he is also doing stuff w/ her archenemy. in this case, u should try saying rudy is friends w/ candace's mom's skeevy bf. next thing u know, u will b falling in2 bed w/ candace. or rudy. 1 or the other.
becks
At 3:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest Elizabeth,
Try offering Candace wine and comfy accommodation. If she takes you up on it, you know she wants to go all the way with you, no matter what she says.
Sincerely, Gerald
At 3:49 PM,
howard said…
April,
I had a great time making table decorations with Shawna-Marie’s bridesmaids Jen and Alyssa last night. We did all of the ones for Shawna-Marie, we were having such a good time we made some for my wedding to Becky. Jen and Alyssa were quite impressed with Becky’s and my house and were also shocked at how inexpensively we got it. Of course, sometime during the course of the time we got there, your mother was screaming something at your dogs, and Jen and Alyssa got the idea why it was so cheap.
We talked wedding stuff of course. I mentioned how Becky and I were having some difficulties decided what I would wear, since we both wanted to wear dresses. Then I made snacks, which they loved. Jen said if I weren’t already engaged she would try to trap me into marriage so she could have my cooking everyday.
I said, “Is that what you look for in a man---good cooking?” Jen said, “No. The partner I'm looking for is truly meant for me. He's someone who shares my beliefs, my goals and my commitments. He's someone sincere, who wants a long lasting relationship with all its ups and downs and is willing to ‘work things out’.” I said, “So you believe that for you there is some true being who is predestinating a man for you, and this predestined man believes what you believe, wants what you want, and can compromise on disagreements with (I guess) other people since he should have no disagreement with you with your same beliefs and goals.” Jen said, “When you say it like that, it sounds silly.” I said, “Sorry. Just trying to understand. Becky and I have a relationship some people would call unusual, and it’s good to get a different perspective.”
Alyssa said, “That’s quite reasonable. I think the man and woman should avoid talking about marriage and instead talk about their futures! I think my parents are totally accepting and will get along with my boyfriend’s family really well. His mom and dad are exceptional people - very involved with their community. They're good to me and I think they'd be wonderful in-laws...when and if. But - I'm not going into wedding mode. Some of my friends totally focused on gowns and gala events, maybe more than they focused on the seriousness of the ceremony. When I say ‘yes’, it'll be because I know it's going to be a working, long-term partnership. The ceremony is secondary. Security and commitment come first!” I said, “You aren’t going to plan a wedding until the man gives you some kind of security deposit?”
Alyssa said, “Don’t be crass. All I really mean is that I am not the kind of girl who wants to get married only because my mother wants it or because of tradition.” Jen said, “Exactly. None of this ‘have wedding, insert groom’ stuff.”
Alyssa said, “Right. Take Shawna-Marie, for example. She has been dating this guy for almost 3 years. She wouldn’t even start planning her wedding until they had been together for 2 years of working things out. She knows he’s committed.” Jen said, “She’s not like some girls we know who get in the mood to get married and spot some guy they used to know back in high school, and say, ‘Look! He’s got a house! He’s got a job! I kind of know him because we used to date. Let’s get married.’ Those kinds of girls are idiots.” Alyssa said, “And you know what’s even worse. The girls who want to marry a guy who’s a single dad and they don’t even take the time to get to know his kid. The only way they wouldn’t be divorced in a year is if someone freezes time.”
Jen said, “And our friend Dawn Enjo. She was engaged for years before she got married.” Alyssa said, “Jen!! You’re not supposed to say that.” Jen said, “Oh it’s alright. Howard’s not going to go around telling you-know-you, who’s not supposed to know she wasn’t invited to the wedding.” Alyssa said, “Right! She means Liz, you know. I figure you don’t exactly talk to her, Howard.” I said, “I try to avoid her if at all possible.” Jen said, “Good. Now remember. Unless Dawn says otherwise, she’s single.” Alyssa said, “I hope Dawn tells everyone she’s married when she gets here. I would love to see the look on Elizabeth’s face.” Jen said, “She’s got to have figured it out by now. People don’t stay engaged for over 2 years.” Alyssa said, “When it comes to stupid, I have learned never to underestimate Elizabeth Patterson.” Jen said, “Amen! Sister!” Then there was a lot of hand-slapping and things like that. We had a pretty good time and we ended up making a lot of table decorations.
Howard Bunt
At 5:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. I have consulted with mom over the Patterson traditions, and she is quite certain that sperms bought from some jerk on the internet are not suitable material for Patterson children, unless that jerk is a childhood sweetheart. Be sure to verify sperms are Corbeil-certified as Patterson childhood sweetheart sperms before you shoot the sperms up into your womanly bits. You don’t want to have any mutant children after all.
As for getting Candace to dump Rudy, I recommend informing Candace that her mother approves of Rudy as a husband. That worked great with me and Deanna.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it wuz an innerestin’ rehearsal of shakespeare 2day. i know u may b a little on edge w/ur sis tryin’ 2 seduce candace halloran & get preggers frum sum guy off e-bay, but u don’t hafta jump everytyme sum1 says “marry.” just cuz ur sis sez she plans 2 marry cuz of tradition & wut her mom wunts, duzn’t mean u can’t marry sum guy cuz u, like, u know, luv him or sumthin’. ur not gonna end up just like ur sis. don’t worry.
my gf honoria delaney-forsythe saw u jumpin’ ‘bout in rehearsal & she wunts me 2 tell u in shakespeare’s tyme “marry” also meant “a word used 2 xxpress amused or surprised agreement”. thass y quince, the carpenter sez it a lot in a midsummer nights’ dream. it duzn't mean the same az the way ur sis talks 'bout it. u prolly already know that, but u were jumpin' a lot wen the guy playin' quince wuz on stage
y don’t u come ovah 2 my house & watch the stanley cup 2nite, eh? it’ll help take ur mind off thingz.
At 6:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i did know that abt "marry." it's just that i'd get, like, distracted an' stuff. and then i'd hear "marry" when i wasn't really paying attention, and i'd jump cuz liz has been on an' on abt "omg, i hafta find sum1 2 marry, marry, marry me!"
axel sez he's up 4 sum hockey. we'll u l8erz.
apes
At 7:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, honoria wunts me 2 ask u, w/o mentionin' she'z the 1 who wunts 2 know, duz axel have a trust fund? she can't find him on her trust fund directory, but w/a name like axel, he cud b usin' an assumed name. it's a weird question, so i figger if i asked it, u wud still know who it wuz rilly frum.
just 2 let u know, my mom iz out again 2nite, cuz she is celebr8in' her anniversary of her 1st d8 w/my future dad. future dad iz mad cuz it interferes w/hockey, but u know sumtymes u gotta do stuff my mom wunts u2 do. neway, we'll have the place 2 ourselves & u know wut that means az far az traditional hockey-watching goes.
also, remembah, no hot spudz. i've been followin' the news reports on those thingz & it makes me worried i cud've done sum like permanent brain damage 2 me frum eatin' thoze thingz.
At 9:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
axel an' i r @ jeremy's place. i was kinda confused y jeremy was asking me all thoze ?'s abt did i have "hot spudz" potato chips, since i already didn't have ne left the last time we were over. but it turns out jeremy had gotten a bunch of them from a diff source and he just wanted 2 b sure.
honoria keeps asking these hinting-type questions 2 try an' find out if axel has a trust fund. i guess that's her way of showing she thinx he's hott. which he is. but back off, h!!!
apes
At 12:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, thanx 4 not gettin’ 2 upset wen axel & i got upset ovah the way ottawa played 2nite. 6-2 loss to the ducks. ottawa stank up the ice. honoria seemed 2b a little disturbed by the amount of cursing. it wuz gud u played it cool. i think axel appreci8ed it 2, altho it wuz kinda hard 2 tell frum the way he wuz u know….showin’ affection. by the way, honoria wuz a little mad @me i wuzn’t “more discrete” askin’ u ‘bout axel’s trust fund. i told her i wuz no good @that kinda thing. i’m not v. good @findin’ out stuff the sneaky way. i just call them like ic them. u know.
At 2:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I know you will be sorry to hear that just as I thought my seduction of Candace was working out, I remembered I was supposed to be at Shawna-Marie's wedding rehersal, sheesh, brides can be so demanding, anyway, I asked Candace if she wanted to go to the rehersal as my date, but of course she had to act like she's all allergic to weddings, of course that will change if I decide she is The One and that we are going to get married, ha!
Anyway, at the rehersal, Shawna-Marie had the traditional fight with her mother, which of course I approve of, upholding tradition is important, but of course Shawna-Marie was in the wrong, she wanted to go down the aisle to some pop love song, you know, Mom is always quick to call Shawna-Marie "that Quebecois hillbilly" and even though I usually defend Shawna-Marie, Mom is right, walking down the aisle to a pop song is pretty white trashy, which is funny because Shawna-Marie isn't white, but I guess if you grow up in Milborough you are pretty white bread even if you're "colored in with the brown crayon," which before you get pissy, I understand is the most up-to-date PC term for being black, at least according to the Milborough Town Bylaws, anyhow, like I was saying, Shawna-Marie was trying to choose between two modern songs, and they weren't even good ones, you know, I favor music that goes BOOM THWACKA WHACKA BOOM and "wrap" music, but Shawna-Marie, being a hillbilly, likes country music, which will make her wedding totally lame if she uses it, well, Shawna-Marie's mom started yelling, something about love and weddings not going together, and I looked at Dawn and we rolled our eyes, because we totally know how ridiculous Shawna-Marie is being, weddings are about TRADITION and PLEASING YOUR MOTHER, after all. Cheeze.
Liz
Post a Comment
<< Home