April's Real Blog

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Liz demands equal time!

Liz wrote in last nite with:

I am more than a little upset that even though it is "my week," you and your stupid idiot no good friends do not want to talk about me, or Shawna-Marie's very interesting wedding, or my dress, or my basement apartment, or my attempted lesboid seduction of Candace who after all has long been known to harbor lesbotic tendencies and a salacious lesbacious love for me, if that isn't interesting, I don't know what is.

Anyway, Candace asked me if I was going to the wedding with Anthony, and I said no, he asked some other girl, and Candace helpfully pointed out that I was going alone, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to make some meaningful looks at her while I made myself sound as desperate as possible while I talked all about how great it would be to go to the wedding alone, which Candace should know is secret code for, "Please ask me out," because Candace has known me forever and knows that I will usually go to extraordinarious lengths to secure a date so I don't do the "loser" thing and show up alone.

In fact, to show my seriousness about being willing to commit to her, when I ate a whole bag of cookies over coffee, I shared the cookies with Candace, and Candace ate the cookies, and I looked at her expectantly, because surely Candace knows Pattersons well enough to know that if they are willing to give you some of their baked goods they could of eaten themselves, they must harbor a deep love for you in the very black depths of their souls, so I gazed at Candace lovingly, but all she did was gobble cookies while talking about how all you need to get married is a minister and your intended spouse, which just showed me Candace is not yet totally aware of the ways of Pattersons, because everyone knows that Pattersons think you need to have at least two weddings, one real and one fake, and two wedding dresses, one a hideous brown sweater dress and one a high-fashion creation commissioned by the Good Witch of the North herself, so I knew then I would have to try harder to seduce Candace, because she seemed quite clueless even after at least 15 years of knowing Pattersons, how disappointing.

Aw, Liz, it's only Tuesday. I'm sure we'll fit it lots of talking abt U an' Candace an' Shawna-Marie's wedding. But I heard that Candace is going 2 the wedding as Rudy as her d8. Sum ppl saw them shopping 4 a wedding gift and having sum discussion abt not want 2 get a gift they considered "boring" or "obvious" like a blender or a fondue set. And Rudy was saying sumthing abt how they shd just check Shawna-Marie's gift registries, and Candace was saying that wd take out the fun and surprise. Then they talked abt what they wd wear and whether they shd have a secret code 2 let ea other know when the reception was getting boring so they cd make their xxcuses and leave.

Jeremy, thanx 4 giving me an' Axel sum "private time" last nite. He was seriously bummed abt hockey, but I think I managed 2 cheer him up!!!


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  • At 11:09 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You “heard” that Candace is going to the wedding as Rudy as her date? “Some people” saw them shopping for a wedding gift? You are not very good at quoting sources and I expect there is a good reason for that.

    I have examined what Liz has said herself about her last 2 encounters with Candace Halloran, and I have noticed that Candace has not said one word about Rudy, while she has been very interested in whom is it that the Lizardbreath is taking to the Verano wedding. Now some people might say that is just because Liz is a Patterson woman and there is nothing more important to talk about with a Patterson woman than her next romantic liaison. After all, Anthony Caine is intimately familiar with everyone Liz has been seeing, without Elizabeth telling him. In fact, Elizabeth scrupulously avoided telling Anthony anything about her love life to the point of even mentioning whether or not she had a boyfriend while he and she were busy with all their public hugging during that trial she was in.

    I hope you have noticed the similarity. If Candace Halloran is not talking about having a boyfriend or whom she is taking to the Verano wedding with Elizabeth, it is reasonable to presume she is acting just like Liz did with Anthony. The best part is that for once, our Liz has picked up on the subtle hints Candace is giving out and is in pursuit.

    Candace might not be a bad choice for Liz. Liz had always wanted someone like dad. Candace is a medical profession with her psychology, like dad. Candace has had the same hair style for as long as I have known of her, like dad. Candace speaks her mind to Elizabeth just like dad does. There are many times when I have thought Candace looked more masculine than dad does. And the best part is, if Liz and Candace end up married, then Liz will not end up with any half-Quebecoise children being inserted into the Patterson family line. In fact, there will be no additional children at all, but there will be the addition of an extra auntie who could baby-sit my children.

    It seems like a perfect match to me, so stop spreading these unsubstantiated rumours, formerly little sis, and let nature take its course.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:28 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Hey Apes, sorry I've been away 4 so long, but I finally have a chance 2 write here. Me & Gordie r n Phoenix 2day on the
    Zumies Couch Tour.
    It was so cube of my mom 2 get the principal 2 let me outta school early. She told the school this was an "xtracurricular enrichment" opportunity since I'm Gordie's photographer.

    Seriously, I dunno if there's anything more boring than Liz's friend's wedding. I know she-who-must-not-b-named is making you talk about these things, but I'm rilly scared you'll b forced 2 tell us about yr dad's trip to a hobby shop for the perfect crimson model train paint. Or yr grandpa & Iris shopping 4 Depends & Sooper Polygrip.

    Anyway, I can't wait 2 get home; I miss you all! Phoenix is fun, but it's hella hot. "But it's a dry heat," the peeps around here say. Right, that makes all the diff.


  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    vicki, just 2 let u know. while u & gordie were gone, april broke up w/gerald & the peeps in april's band seem 2b sidin' w/gerald @least ovah lunch. april's been sittin' w/me & our crowd @lunchtime. weird, eh?

    az 4 april's sis, she'z talkin' 'bout considerin' b-ing a lesbian cuz she can't evn get anthony caine 2 ask her out. i dunno y she thinks girls r less particular than boyz, cuz thass the opposite of wut i know.

    i hope u & gordie r doin' gr8 in phoenix.

  • At 4:28 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Hi Jeremy! Apes emailed me about her & Ger. Kind of a shocker but she has 2 do what's best 4 herself. Thanks, we're doin good & Gordie hasn't broken any bones. He's been lookin' over my shoulder as I've been typin, tho, & he's all excited 2 read about sum hot l3sbo action from Liz. *rolled eyez*


  • At 4:31 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    vicki, i guess there r sum peeps who get n2 that stuff if the women look like a frumpy school marm & a 90s punker, but thass not rilly my thing. glad 2 hear gordie's not broken nething.

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Even though the Newlyfoobs people are in our house all the time, one of the nice things about working as a senior editor at Portrait Magazine, the TV people consider the work too boring to put into a reality TV show. So, I get a little time off from being constantly filmed.

    I decided to have breakfast in one of those little bistros which have popped up in Milborough to enjoy a little time without cameras in my face.

    As I was about to take my seat, I heard a familiar voice calling to me saying, “Howard. Why don’t you sit with us?” I looked and saw it was Shawna-Marie Verano and 2 other ladies I did not know. She introduced me to Alyssa and Jen as Howard Bunt, the man who attacked your sister. I said, “Shawna-Marie, do you have to bring up my disgrace?” Shawna-Marie said, “Howard, if I get through this wedding without attacking Elizabeth Patterson myself, I am going to be doing good.” This is how the conversation went, to the best of my recollection:

    Me: What do you mean? You want to attack Elizabeth Patterson?
    Shawna-Marie: I’m having a breakfast with my bridesmaids, except for Dawn Enjo who lives out of town, and we specifically picked this place and time to accommodate Elizabeth’s schedule for her teaching job. Do you see her here?
    Me: No.
    Shawna-Marie: Exactly. She says she wants to help out and be useful, but she doesn’t show, not like Alyssa and Jen here.
    Alyssa: I helped stuff invitations.
    Jen: I had a bridal shower for Shawna-Marie.
    Alyssa: I have a great bachelorette party planned.
    Jen: We all went on a shopping trip to scout out the bridesmaid dresses, shoes, jewelry, and other accessories, just to make sure we got plain, dresses with a little bow in front, instead of some of those awful ones you can get.
    Alyssa: And all Elizabeth does is make rude comments about the colour of Shawna-Marie’s dress.
    Shawna-Marie: You guys have been a huge help. Elizabeth couldn’t do any of those things because she said she was too busy crying about being turned down for a date for the wedding by Anthony Caine. And then when she saw the dresses she laughed and said she couldn’t wait to show hers to Candace.
    Jen: Not Candace Halloran? Shawna-Marie, she’s not coming, is she?
    Shawna-Marie: She’s part of the deal.
    Alyssa: But you hated Candace in high school.
    Shawna-Marie: I wanted the park. Candace was part of the deal.
    Jen: First you had to invite Anthony Caine and Candace too? I hope they don’t make a scene. This is supposed to be your day, not some Elizabeth Patterson romance drama.
    Me: Pardon me for interrupting, but what deal are you talking about?
    Alyssa: It was just awful. Shawna-Marie had a park reserved for her wedding for months in advance and then suddenly the park managers tell her she can’t have it.
    Shawna-Marie: Over a year actually.
    Me: Why did they change their mind?
    Alyssa: It’s just too awful. Really they have too much power in this town.
    Me: Who?
    Jen: The Mayes, that’s who.
    Me: Gordon Mayes?
    Shawna-Marie: Actually Tracey. She was very nice about it. She just said that they planned the Mayes family reunion over that weekend and gave enough money to the park officials to make it worth their while to cancel my wedding plans.
    Alyssa: Nice about it? She gave the park back to you, but not without some pretty awful conditions.
    Me: Conditions?
    Shawna-Marie: Well, yes. I had to invite Anthony Caine and Candace Halloran as guests. That’s all.
    Jen: Not all.
    Shawna-Marie: And Elizabeth Patterson had to be a bridesmaid.
    Me: Now I am confused. I thought you and Elizabeth and Anthony Caine were best friends in high school.
    Shawna-Marie: Dawn Enjo and I loved Liz in high school. We were the best of friends. And Anthony we tolerated because of Liz, but hardly anybody liked him. After all, nobody we know went to Anthony’s wedding the first time except Liz, and that was only because she was intent on torturing him for not proposing to her.
    Me: But Elizabeth?
    Shawna-Marie: Liz just stopped keeping in touch with me and to be honest she is really very different from the girl I knew in high school.
    Jen: She means she has a bad drinking problem.
    Alyssa: No, she means because she has developed a little lisp from all those collagen injections.
    Jen: No, I think it’s because she can’t stop talking about how wonderful she was for teaching Indian kids in the Northwest, and how they were terrible students because they were gone all the time for trapping, preparing hides or preserving food.
    Alyssa: I think it’s because she rattles on and on about anytime one of her kids has any kind of problem in school, it’s the parents’ fault for not parenting.
    Shawna-Marie: Not just those things. I live in Milborough, and every time she was in town I tried to get together with her, but aside from New Years’ Eve party in 2005 which Dawn threw, she hasn’t had the time for me. She’s been in town working the whole last year, and when I called her up, her family told me she was either in her room doing nothing or she was off with Anthony Caine waiting to testify at your trial. Why should I invite her?
    Alyssa: Because Tracey Mayes made you do it.
    Shawna-Marie: I thought it would be a problem, but it hasn’t been. Elizabeth is so wrapped up in this Anthony Caine date thing, she hasn’t bothered me much.
    Jen: The one time she did show up for a bridal activity she was all “Oh Shawna-Marie, you must be so worried about rain and the catering and the decoration because it’s an outdoor wedding and so many things can go wrong. You must be a total wreck. What can I do to help?”
    Alyssa: Then Shawna-Marie said, “Oh, Elizabeth. You are so right. Can you talk to someone to make sure it doesn’t rain, and could you talk to someone to make sure the caterer and the decorator show up?” That was great.
    {The ladies start laughing.}
    Jen: That reminds me, my cousin said he could get you a deal on the tarps to put up in the park. You know the ones you need just in case it’s too hot, or Elizabeth forgets to call to cancel the rain. {The ladies start laughing again.}
    Shawna-Marie: Thanks, Jen. That will be a big help.

    Then we had a nice breakfast and I shared some ideas for some easy, but fancy-looking table decorations. Jen and Alyssa got very excited and they are coming over to my house tonight to work on them.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i have sum v. reliable sources who prefer that i not give their name. the reason 4 this is they don't appreci8 u calling them up 2 "interview" them or "fact check." they say u r totally annoying when u do that.

    oh, and if liz and candace were 2 couple up, one of them cd get pregnant by a sperm donor, so it's not necessarily true that "there [would] be no additional children at all."

    hey, vicks, i m glad u an' gordie r having fun.

    btw, liz, i did that informal poll u asked me 2 do @ school. y'know, the one where u wanted me 2 go around and ask boys if they like "hot g*rl-on-g*rl action," and if so, y they were not interested in reading abt liz "having lesbianinity with candace." the boys responding 2 that question mostly sed what jeremy sed. "school marm and mullet-girl--not hot" was the most common response.

    howard, thanx 4 sharing that convo. v. interesting 2 know.

    btw, axel an' i r hanging w/eva an' dunc @ eva's house rite now. we're chilling in the theatre wing.


  • At 1:57 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, I don't care if you and your stupid friends don't want to read about it, it's my week and I am going to tell you the rest of my story about trying to seduce Candace into being my husband, and you are going to print it in your blog whether you like it or not, got it?

    Well next I asked Candace whether she thought she would ever marry Rudy, which was me hinting around to find out how things were going with them, after all maybe Candace had broke up with him and not told me, after all I didn't tell her about Paul being a cheating cheater cheat for months and months after I found out, but drat, no, she said she liked things how they were between them like they already were, which I gathered must mean pretty good, but then Candace said something bizarre about being "legally responsible" for her relationship with Rudy, which can't be good, I mean, I figure that means there is something illegal about what they are doing together and one of them is going to be brought up on charges, which made me feel renewed hope, if Candace and/or Rudy is going to get arrested for whatever sick and depraved sex acts they do together, then I have a chance.

    So I mentioned that public declarations of love are traditional, and that made Candace say something about how she would never "cram her bones" into a flouncy white dress for tradition, which made me extremely happy, because in my imagination picture of our wedding, she is going to be the groom and will naturally wear the tuxedo, and I will be in the flouncy white dress, which of course has been my dream ever since I was a tiny girl.

    But, at that moment, I could feel Candace gazing at me, and the gaze felt kind of heated, and I don't just mean in a friendship kind of way, but in a sexy marriage sort of way, so in order to impress Candace, who I know does not care too much about weddings, I said I would wear the flouncy white dress, but just because it would make Mom happy, which of course is a lie, but what is courtship, except a series of lies you tell a person in order to convince them to marry you? At that point, I felt things were moving along really good on my seduction plan.

    Oh, and Mike, if I marry Candace, I will definitely be having babies from a turkey baster, why on earth would you think I would give up on babies, which are the whole reason for marriage in the first place, sheesh and double cheeze!



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