April's Real Blog

Monday, June 04, 2007

Bridesmaid dresses

Liz sez that Candace came by Liz's new apt recently, and was all, "I thought U weren't gonna go 4 a basement apt, Liz." And Liz was all, "I was in a rush, it was available, the rent's OK, it's close 2 work and it's furnished." And Candace was like, "Then, it's...cozy." Isn't "cozy" real-estate language for "small"? NEway, when Liz was showing Candace the bedroom, Candace noticed the bridesmaid dress (for Shawna-Marie's wedding) on the bed, and was all, "Is this the dress?" And lest sum1 C a B/W pic of the dress and colour it in wrong, Liz was like, "Yeah. I'm violet, Dawn is aqua, Alyssa is yellow and Jen is green." Candace was all, "...A veritable pastel rainbow!" Liz held up the dress in front of her and sed, "It's so we can all show up @ sum function l8r...wearing the same dress, and no1 will know we were bridesmaids." Then Liz held the dress @ arms' length, so she an' Candace cd both look @ it, and @ the same time, they both went, "Yeah. Right."


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  • At 9:56 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As usual, you left out some of the best part of the story. Elizabeth had sequestered herself in your room, weeping over the loss of Anthony Caine as a date for the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding and we were having a difficult time getting to go live in her apartment, even after we moved all her things there at the beginning of May. Mom tried to tell Liz she needed to write her monthly letter for June and it would be so much easier to do that in her own apartment without the noises of the house. Mom tried to tell her it would be therapeutic to write down exactly why this one date with Anthony Caine was getting her so upset, when she hadn’t been on a date with him since high school. Dad offered to let Liz play with his trains. Edgar licked at her. Deanna offered to let her weed the garden and to help keep the house clean. There was still no response until Candace Halloran called, and said she wanted to get together with Elizabeth and mock Shawna-Marie’s wedding with her. That finally got Liz’s interest. There is nothing like making fun of your old childhood friends when they are doing better than you are. So Liz left for her apartment to meet with Candace to make fun of the bridesmaid dress she would be wearing. Naturally, as soon as we got her out of the house, we changed the lock on your door and moved your stuff into the room. I know it will work for you because, unlike the LIzardbreath, you will actually shut the door on your room. Remember to shut and lock it each time you leave for school. I am sure you don't want to find Liz in there weeping again.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:50 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    As you know I had been very very very very very depressed for awhile now since I found out Anthony was not really waiting for me even though I was waiting for him, even though during that waiting time I dated Paul and wanted to marry him and also not-dated Warren, that was me waiting for Anthony, okay, so it was a crushing blow when I found out that my only husband prospect left is Warren and I don't think he's really all that into me, because he broke a date for work and ogled some sexy pictures of pretty models, so I am thinking it is time for a new plan.

    Then Candace called and a new plan formed in my mind, remember how at my trial she testified that she was in love with me, well, so do I, and you can legally marry gay people now in Canada, even in Milborough, so I quick got dressed and drove over to my apartment which as you know is in a basement, which is not ideal but it was the first place I looked at and apartment hunting is so tiring and it came furnished and furniture shopping is so tiring and it's a good thing that it's small because cleaning is so tiring, and I had a lot of cleaning to do anyway to prepare for Candace's visit because the basement was full of centipedes and spiders and other crawly things that spoil a romantic mood, well, I sprayed them all with Raid and swept up their dead bodies and put them in Shiimsa's food bowl, so at least I found a cheap source of pet food, and no matter what she says, she IS going to eat it!

    Well anyway, I had so much work to do that I didn't quite have time to get totally beautified before Candace came, I still had on my ugly glasses, but as I have learned time and time again, playing hard to get and not telling your love object that you want them too clearly is a really good strategy, Mom says so, but anyway, other than that, I was looking pretty cute, I recommend the "in bed for two weeks and not eating because you want to die" diet because my pudding butt is gone!

    Anyway, Candace got there and I let her in my apartment and I was nervous, she reminded me about the blood oath I swore not to get a basement apartment because I didn't want to get charged extra for tissues, well I was so anxious that I blurted out, "I was in a rush, it was available, the rent's okay, it's close to work and it's furnished," and after I said that I kind of fell back against the doorjamb for support because that is a lot of words for one sentence to say out loud, and I was out of breath.

    Then Candace said, "Then, it's cozy!" and then she also noticed, "It's very dark in here," and I said, "That's because there's no windows," and Candace said, "Liz, I think that's illegal!" and I took that opportunity to hug her and rub my boobs against her and say, "Candace, you're such a good friend to be worried about me. Such a good friend," as you know, that is my go-to move with love interests, I don't know why it always seems to confuse them, Candace definitely seemed confused.

    Then Candace said, "Where is the hideous monstrosity, anyway?" and I said, "Oh, Shiimsa is in the kitchen," and Candace said, "No, I mean your bridesmaid dress," which was the perfect excuse to go into my bedroom, where I had left the dress on the bed, my plan had been that we would discover Shiimsa ripping it up and try to stop her and in the struggle Candace and I would fall into the bed together, accidentally have sex things happen, and then have to get married, but for some reason Shiimsa did not mess with my dress, darn it, so I had to explain the weird logic Shawna-Marie gave for making us all buy dresses that don't match, which I don't get, something about being a bridesmaid that nobody knows is a bridesmaid, which frankly is fine with me, I am tired of Michael mocking me, "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride!" when I am in a wedding, hah, now he won't be able to tell, also, there was something about me and the other girls being able to wear our dresses again some other time, but that is stupid, you never want to remind other people you were a bridesmaid and not a bride, also, Mom is making a quilt out of all my old bridesmaid dresses, she says it consoles her to have a project to distract her from her daughters being old spinsters who can't keep a man.

    More on how the seducing went tomorrow, at this point I thought it was going pretty good.


  • At 6:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i didn't know abt ne of that other stuff u wrote, so i didn't "leave it out."

    liz, i'm 2 yung 2 b considered a spinster daughter who can't keep a man! i'm only 16! i get 10 more yrs b4 that.


  • At 8:20 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, 1st of all i wanna say thanx 4 leavin’ me outa ur monthly letter. i appreci8 it.

    i don't rilly wanna talk 'bout ur sis & her bridesmaid dress. i'm sure i'll c plenty of that wen i dj the weddin' reception.

    it’s been kinda fun havin’ lunch w/u @skool, altho i rilly wish u wud stop sayin’ “mind if i have lunch w/u guyz?” every tyme. honoria’s not evah gonna say “no” & neither am i. u can just sit down, eh? of course u know by now honoria’z prolly gonna keep askin’ u questions ‘bout axel hibobbery, that guy u’ve been sorta kinda seeing, cuz she likes talkin’ ‘bout that kinda stuff. well, that & askin’ u 2 chew w/ur mouth closed, cuz spittin’ food iz not lady-like.

    i wuz kinda surprised honoria didn’t do sum kinda big blow up ovah u & gerald splittin’ outa family support & go “hmph!” & jump up 2 leave wen u asked 2 sit w/us. i asked honoria ‘bout it & all she wud tell me iz that just cuz she iz disappointed ur not gonna be her future sister that duzn’t mean she izn’t gonna act like a lady 2 any friendz i have. i thot it wuz a cool move. rilly classy.

    it’s kinda weird havin’ u sit w/us & seein’ gerald & duncan & eva & luis all sit 2gethah w/o u. ‘course u gotta figger the 1st tyme i can remembah evah seeing all those guys eat 2gethah @lunch iz on the day wen u break up w/gerald, there iz definitely sumthin’ goin’ on. it wuz alwayz u & gerald & eva or luis & gerald & eva or u & gerald & duncan b4.

    i got the feelin’ frum wen u were talkin’ ‘bout ur convo w/eva, she duzn’t think doin’ a telethon w/rebecca iz worth breakin’ up w/a guy ovah, @least not gerald. i mean, she & gerald have butt heads ovah ur band’s direction sum tymez, but gerald iz the guy who wunted 2 put her name on the band, & that prolly counts 4 sumthin’ w/her az far az keepin’ ur band 2gethah, eh? duncan’s gonna go along w/eva, cuz they’re a couple & u know how duncan iz ‘bout girls. then luis haz had issuez w/u evah since that tyme u wudn’t lissen 2 his refugee story. so now they all sit 2gethah like sum kinda united front, evn tho they nevah did that b4, wen u were sittin' w/them. it's weird.

    neway, i’m lookin’ 4ward 2 meetin’ axel hibobbery, wen u bring him 2 my place 2 watch the stanley cup 2nite. thass still on, rite? honoria iz xxpectin’ u. she’z made a buncha stuff she learned frum her home ec az snacks.

  • At 8:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, axel an' i r on r way over 2 yr house. we have chips an' dips.


  • At 8:49 PM, Blogger howard said…


    If there is one thing that irritates me, it is when women, who have little-to-no fashion sense, have the nerve to criticize one of their friend’s fashion sense. Admittedly Shawna-Marie’s colour choices are shaky and her motivation for using them is shakier, but when Candace Halloran and your sister, two of the worst-dressed young women in Milborough mock her choices, it makes me want to grab them by their outdated hair styles and force them to take a good long look in the mirror.

    I am sometimes tempted to take Portrait Magazine in a fashion direction to give a portrait to famous Canadian designers, but when I talked to Barry the editor-in-chief about it, he said the magazine had been saturated on the subject a few years back when your brother was in charge. As he calls it, the “Divala fashion designer exposé sold copies, so let’s keeping do that” years. I think it was more the “give my friend Josef Weeder as much exposure as possible so he can get into his model Sofia’s pants” years. The consequence is that I will have to wait to delve into fashion for Portrait Magazine.

    Becky is busy preparing her telethon repartée with the help of a professional writer (not your brother, someone funny) and rehearsing it. The Newlyfoobs reality TV show people are eating it up, I think mainly because Becky is giving them quite a bit of material for humourous outtakes, every time she messes up. As a comedienne, Becky makes a great musician. I am sure once she is well-rehearsed, she will appear very polished and professional, as usual.

    I don’t know what to tell you about Becky and your boyfriend Gerald, except that whatever they have been doing together has been filmed by the Newlyfoobs reality TV show people and they consider Becky and Gerald to be very photogenic and think it will be a selling point for the series. I am sure if you think about what I just wrote, you will realize a few things. That’s all I can say, due to contractual limitations.

    That’s all,
    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, alright. if u cud not bring thoze hot spudz chips, that wud b good. i just heard sumthin' on the news where if u eat 2 many of them, it's suppozed 2 cause sum kinda mental instability.

  • At 9:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    axel an' i r @ jeremy's place, and jeremy was v. relieved 2 c that i had just regular potato chips, not the hot spudz. mike scarfed the rest of thoze, so i got normal chips w/my own $$.

    howard, hm, i'll think over what u sed an' how u sed it.


  • At 11:10 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, augh!! ottawa loses 3-2. i can’t stand it!!! axel hibobbery iz cryin’. i am cryin’. honoria keeps sayin’ “i wunt u2 diddle me neway.” or wuz that wut u were sayin’ to axel? i can’t tell. my brain is kinda fuzzy. i wondah wut honoria put in thoze home ec snax. & 2 answer ur question april, my mom’s outa the house rite now, so no1 will bothah u & axel, especially not me & honoria.

  • At 1:18 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I am more than a little upset that even though it is "my week," you and your stupid idiot no good friends do not want to talk about me, or Shawna-Marie's very interesting wedding, or my dress, or my basement apartment, or my attempted lesboid seduction of Candace who is after all has long been known to harbor lesbotic tendencies and a salacious lesbacious love for me, if that isn't interesting, I don't know what is.

    Anyway, Candace asked me if I was going to the wedding with Anthony, and I said no, he asked some other girl, and Candace helpfully pointed out that I was going alone, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to make some meaningful looks at her while I made myself sound as desperate as possible while I talked all about how great it would be to go to the wedding alone, which Candace should know is secret code for, "Please ask me out," because Candace has known me forever and knows that I will usually go to extraordinarious lengths to secure a date so I don't do the "loser" thing and show up alone.

    In fact, to show my seriousness about being willing to commit to her, when I ate a whole bag of cookies over coffee, I shared the cookies with Candace, and Candace ate the cookies, and I looked at her expectantly, because surely Candace knows Pattersons well enough to know that if they are willing to give you some of their baked goods they could of eaten themselves, they must harbor a deep love for you in the very black depths of their souls, so I gazed at Candace lovingly, but all she did was gobble cookies while talking about how all you need to get married is a minister and your intended spouse, which just showed me Candace is not yet totally aware of the ways of Pattersons, because everyone knows that Pattersons think you need to have at least two weddings, one real and one fake, and two wedding dresses, one a hideous brown sweater dress and one a high-fashion creation commissioned by the Good Witch of the North herself, so I knew then I would have to try harder to seduce Candace, because she seemed quite clueless even after at least 15 years of knowing Pattersons, how disappointing.



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