April's Real Blog

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Territory-Marking

Mike had sum more 2 say abt his recent jog w/Dee in our neighbourhood:
April,

Formerly little sis. I think your readers may be interested in the conversation I had with my beloved Deanna after we stopped running until I was too tired to think. As you know from your younger years, one of the best places to not think is the ravine. There was no stream of water there this time, and I tried my best to get my body into the pose of Rodin’s The Thinker, but I couldn’t get the hand positions right. Fortunately my lovely Deanna sat down beside me and started moving my left arm from my face. Obviously she remembered Rodin’s The Thinker had his head on his right hand. Not only is my wife beautiful, but she has an uncanny memory for great art.

While she was doing this I looked forward and engaged in some small talk with her. I said, “Wow. We actually bought my parents’ house, Dee.” I find that stating the obvious is one of the best ways to begin small talk. Deanna said, “Yes, we did.”

Well, there wasn’t much to work with from that response, so I tried feigning ignorance. I said, “Somehow, I just can’t get my head around it.” Deanna loves those kinds of ignorant statements, because she enjoys coming up with explanations for me. She loves it when I don’t know things, and I give her those opportunities often. It’s one of the secrets to our successful marriage.

Deanna gave an explanation, “Maybe that’s because your folks and April are still living there.” As you can tell formerly little sis, Deanna spelled out the fact that you will be moving out, which is a detail our parents have a hard time getting their heads around. She also didn’t mention the difficulty in getting Elizabeth to leave for her apartment.

I managed to get my hand in the proper The Thinker pose by then, so since I was in a receptive and thoughtful mood, she recounted to me her list of things she wants me to do around the house. I will repeat them for your enjoyment and delectation. She said, “Once we have it all to ourselves, we can

a. change the carpeting,
b. update the cabinets,
c. paint all the rooms
d. varnish the hardwood
e. put in new appliances
f. new drapes,

and then, we’ll feel like it truly belongs to us!!!” My first thought was that it was going to be a long time before it feels like it truly belongs to us, because I have a sense the hardest part of that whole process is going to be, “Once we have it all to ourselves.” I was going to respond just that way, when everything went dark. It was one of those infernal sudden silhouettes, which plague the town.

While I was waiting for it to get light again, I pondered a pithy statement with which to come back to Deanna. Some of my choices were:

a. Birds just poop on anything underneath them…Humans have to wait until their mother moves away to throw out poop.
b. Beavers just build dams anywhere they please and call it home…Humans have to buy a home and make their wives happy first.
c. Turtles just carry their homes on their backs…Humans have to carry a mortgage.
d. Animals just mark their territory…Humans have to redecorate.

I decided to go with (d), although all of them were pretty stupid. I just don’t think as well when I turn to silhouette.

Love,
Michael Patterson
Mike, mayB U shdn't use the "marking territory" analogy out loud w/Dee, since U used that one in your "downstairs neighbours" article when U lived in Toronto. Dee mite get insulted. Even tho U @ least weren't thinking she's "primitive" as U were 4mul8ing this analogy. But if Weed suggests U write a "humourous xxposé" abt buying a house, I suggest U pass.

Apes

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13 Comments:

  • At 2:19 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Babe,

    If you need to get in touch with me, I'll be over at Becky's new house. They have offered me a role in her Newlyfoobs show as the adorably clueless handyman. For some reason, Becky doesn't want to keep the house exactly as it was when she bought it from the previous owners, even though the ridiculously low sale price included all their personal goods. I will be doing some light remodeling projects for her for $150 a day. I don't know much about being a handyman, but your brother Mike gave me a book he said he learned his skills from. It's called The Everyfoob Guide to Home Repair and was published by the Milborough Town Extension Office. It seems pretty good and even has a section on houses that mysteriously change shape, adding on doors and windows and porches and even bathrooms where they never were before.

    I'm sorry if you think this makes me a traitor, but I have to take this opportunity. Remember when Ty Pennington was just an adorably clueless handyman on Trading Spaces? Now he has his own show and a DUI and everything!

    Gerald

     
  • At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I suspect you are right I must have chosen the comparison of home decorating to animals marking their territory, thanks to my ground-breaking Clarion Weekly article on the Kelpfroths Knock on Wood. I got a lot of good work from that article, like the movie script editing job. If my lovely Deanna remembers that article, the comparison is apt. For those awful Kelpfroths; broken ceilings, cigar smoke and burnt down apartments were their method of home decorating. I wish I had more articles to receive the acclaim that one article did. My 16-part series on the downfall of Portrait Magazine since I left it, has not received the same accolades and some of the newspapers carrying my weekly column Edgewise have suggested I write about something else, but I have soldiered on to do the public good of warning them how awful Portrait Magazine has become. Perhaps I should switch to doing articles on home renovations as I go through the process, for a change of pace. If only you and mom and dad would move out, so I could get started.

    Of course I would have to get back that book I loaned your boyfriend, The Everyfoob Guide to Home Repair, and I would have to stop writing my novel Breaking the Windjammer, and I would have to stop taking naps in the afternoon while my children are in daycare; so I am not in any real rush for you to move, formerly little sis. Take your time. I have this feeling that I am going to get in the mood to reminisce about all the home repairs and renovations that mom and dad did over the years, and when I get in that mood, I suspect I will also be doing renovations around my house in order to properly introduce those reminiscences. Maybe sometime around September, eh?

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 3:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It is quite nice to have Gerald around the house doing light remodeling projects. The producers for Newlyfoobs have him running around with a giant tool belt on, so every time he bends over there is very nice view. I can see why it is you have been around Gerald for so long. Not to worry, April. I will be looking only, and not touching. That goes for Becky too, although she has gotten into a habit of dropping things for Gerald to pick up.

    The only problem we have had with the Newlyfoobs people lately is they wanted Becky and me to have a scene where we talked about how our home wouldn’t truly belong to us, until after all the renovations were completed, which could be months, if not years. I wanted to say it wouldn’t truly belong to us until I had sung an opera aria in each room, which is a lot easier than waiting for everything to be fixed. And Becky wanted to say it wouldn’t truly belong to us we had done a certain something in every room. Let’s just say having your boyfriend in the house bending over a lot has made Becky start to get a little anxious for us to be married. Well, the Newlyfoobs people didn’t like any of those ideas, and wanted us to talk about home renovations, because all those home remodeling reality shows are so popular these days. We gave in and said it, but I already know it’s going to look stupid and will make Becky look like she’s more concerned with changing her house than anything else.

    If you want to watch Gerald bend over, you should come over. I'll drop something for you.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 4:05 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    apes, omg, ger has been walking around here w/ his shirt off, and damn, i nevah knew how ripped that boy wuz! his bum is sumthing 2 c also! let me know if u dcide u don't want him, i could totally use a full-time handyman/sex toy around here. i m pretty sure he will have no trub "getting" me. lol!

    signed, becky the traitor (who has d-cided mayb it is time 2 actually earn that nasty rep i seem 2 have w/ u)

     
  • At 6:06 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I think Becky was just kidding in that last post. Of course she looked serious. I just can’t seem to get my head around it.

    Gerald is having a slight problem with the Newlyfoobs reality TV show producers, who like his shirtless look, but suggested he might want to shave his chest hair and get an eyebrow trim. Becky volunteered to do the shaving and trimming, and has been teasing Gerald by saying, “Once I have you all to myself, I can change your carpeting, update your cabinets, paint all your rooms, varnish your hardwood, put in new appliances and new drapes, and then, you’ll feel like you truly belong to me!!!” I can’t tell if she is trying to mark Gerald as her territory or if she is talking about redecorating.

    Don’t worry, April. Becky wouldn’t steal your boyfriend, but she does seem to be serious about the redecorating. She has a razor and shaving cream in her hands, and Gerald looks nervous.

    Oh. There. Now he’s passed out. Great.

    I’ll have to write back later.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, mayB i'm dun w/ger and mayB not. mayB i still luv him and mayB i'm so upset w/him i can't wrap my head around b-ing w/him nemore. mayB i'll have an open, honest conversation w/gerald and then have one w/becky, clear the air abt whatevs, and move 4ward. or mayB i'll b a total drama queen consumed by my own insecurities and unable 2 ever speak up and then let things go.

    meanwhile, c-ing ger in that handyman outfit soundz tempting. i'll b rite over w/sum more of the hot spudz tater chips.

    apes

     
  • At 6:59 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. I just read what is going on and please, please be sure not to let that Becky McGuire girl shave off my brother’s chest hair. Pater would be very cross if Gerald ended up with no chest hair like a woman, and it might have an adverse effect on his psychosexual self, if Gerald was not furry like an animal. After all, men are like animals and women are like interiour decorators. That’s what Mater always says. If you can’t wrap your head about being with Gerald anymore, at least wrap your head around leaving him hairy.

    I would intervene myself, but I am watching the Stanley Cup playoffs with my Jeremy flower and he says that if Ottawa wins against the Ducks, I am going to be very happy girl.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 7:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, when i got 2 the house, i discovered that ger had passed out b4 becky cd shave nething, and howard was telling her 2 nix the shaving.

    apes

     
  • At 7:22 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i read u just rote & it sounds like ur goin’ whacko w/all thoze mayB’s. u seemed a little outa it @shakespeare rehearsal 2day w/all that “deanna sed she wud luv 4 me 2 stay & then she sed she wunted me out” stuff. & there wuz that whole biz in the script where it sed things like “exeunt oberon, titania, & train” & u kept askin’ where the train wuz & then correctin’ urself by sayin’ “not a real train, st00pid.” it wuz kinda weird & not rilly like u.

    it soundz like wut’s goin’ ovah @howard & becky’s is 7 shades of crayzee & ur brain prolly duzn’t need nemore of that. now that u've made sure gerald izn't gonna get shaved, y don't u come ovah & watch hockey w/me & honoria @my house. i promise no1 ovah here is doin’ ne weird stuff or renov8in’. honoria wud b happ 2 have u ovah here, cuz she’s not rilly n2 hockey, but more n2 the post-hockey celebrations.

     
  • At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Thanks ever so much for stopping the shaving. Brother will be much happier if he is hairy when he wakes up. Do come over to Jeremy’s, if it is convenient for you. I have seen brother in various stages of undress, and although he does cut a nice, trim figure; he does not really have the physical form to make a girl swoon, like my old boyfriend Bronson van Daam did. A few looks at him should be sufficient and then you can come over here. Hockey is so dull. It would be much more fun with a girl to talk to during the game. You will need to leave though, if Ottawa wins.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Honoria,

    April may be a little delayed coming to see you, if she decides to come. The Newlyfoobs reality TV show producers found out that April is going to be living two doors down as soon as, as April put it, “the roof damage from the birch tree I thought I prayed to fall on the house is repaired”. The producers are trying to convince April to play the crazy next-door-neighbour girl, who walks in the house sometimes and talk about the power of her prayers. April doesn’t really want to do it, but they promised her $150 loonies and a chance to be on television. She seems conflicted and is using the word “treason” a lot.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    the producers r telling me they r willing 2 consider calling me an "xxcentric neighbour" insteada crayzee. and not only pay me $150/day, but also there'd b all the granola and milk i cd want. tempting. but i c jeremy sent a cab over 2 bring me over 2 his house. i guess i'll hafta get back 2 the producers on this one.

    jeremy, yeah, i dunno what's going on w/me rite now. rite or wrong, it's now, har-dee-har. omg, what was THAT? k, so i'll c u an' honoria in a few mins.

    apes

     
  • At 11:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it’s not my day 2day. the ducks beat the senators again. 2-0 lead in the series. it iz depressin’ & i wuz definitely not in the mood 2 do that diddling thing honoria likes. it’s a good thing u & honoria spent mosta ur tyme talkin’ 2 each & not 2 me. i just can’t get my head ‘round it, how ottawa can play so bad aftah comin’ so far. u & honoria seem 2 get along well, but i kinda wondah how thass gonna go if u decide 2 dump gerald. i wud h8 it if she suddenly turned against u aftah she liked u, but sumtymez that happs in mboro.

     

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