April's Real Blog

Thursday, May 24, 2007

I blamed myself

The day of the branchening, the way we found out abt this @ home was that Mike answered the fone, while Dee was feeding Robin, who was in his high chair. I heard Mike on his side of the call being like, "Really? Whoa! That's terrible! Sure, I'll get gassed up and ready." And B4 he'd even hung up, Dee was all, "What?!" Which is a bit rude, eh? And 4tunately, Mike didn't sit down and eat a can of baked beans 2 get "gassed up." U know he wd, just 4 the pun. NEway, he hung up the fone and answered Dee with "My folks just got the keys 2 Mr. Stibbs's house--when a tree fell on it! Dad's coming 2 get the chainsaw. I'll go and give him a hand." Mike shdn't use that phrase when Dad has a chainsaw, IYKWIM. NEway, I found myself thinking, "A tree fell on the house?!! It's an omen! This whole changing houses thing is... cursed! I never wanted my parents 2 move--I even prayed that sumthing wd happen 2 stop them!! It's all MY fault!!!" And now that I think back on all this, it occurs 2 me that I am WAY 2 old 2 actually believe that I've caused sumthing 2 happen by wishing 4 it. If I were 6, mayB, but I'm 16. Geez, what went wrong w/my development NEway?

Honoria, I think there R way, way 2 many defs 4 all these sexual euphemisms. Esp. since sum of the defs 4 "2nd base" R what I've always thot of as "3rd base." How confusing. OK, that xxplains stuff. I thot U were awfully happy abt being felt up. Being felt up was never that much of a biggie 2 me (no offense, Ger). BTW, U mite have the wrong ideas abt what Ger and I have or haven't done. But I'll try an' B ladylike abt all this, like U.


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  • At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april you are showing the signs of emotional abuse.


    Please read this list, sadly I think you are falling into most of these categories.

    Ponder this one strongly..

    "Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved"

    Do they have you so beaten down you feel guilty whenever even a small trivial thing like this happens?

  • At 11:01 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u mite have a gd pt, anon. mayB i will talk 2 my school counselor and get a referral. not 2 ger's dad, tho. everything w/him is "psychosexual this, psychosexual that." he's so sexual, it's psycho!


  • At 1:51 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. You certainly seem to have some issues with my Pater. I suspect that my brother Gerald has been leaving some things out, when I ask him questions about the past. Nevertheless, I would be wary of taking advice from any anonymous person who claims you suffer from emotional abuse.

    I am a little concerned you would think a tree falling on your parents' new house is an omen, or changing houses is somehow cursed by your prayers. You blame your development, for causing these thoughts. The anonymous person blames emotional abuse. I asked my Pater about it and he told me he would tell you that rather than assigning yourself blame, which only increases guilt, despair and denial; psychology teaches that it is more productive to focus on your family’s overall needs. He suggests you could go to help your father and brother with the tree, or to help keep your mother calm (or calmer), while they worked on the tree. Those sound like good ideas to me. My Pater is very smart.

    As for all our girl talk about euphemisms, you are right I don’t know exactly what you and brother have been doing together, and I really don’t want to know details, unless you just need to tell me as a secret between girlfriends. What I do know is you seem tense and stressed out, and if what my brother has been doing with you isn’t working, then maybe you should have him try what my Jeremy flower does with me. It is quite relaxing. I can give you details on techniques, just a secret between us girlfriends, and you can tell brother to do them. I am sure he would be a most enthusiastic student.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 2:27 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, since the anonymous person iz handin’ out advice 4u, i have sum 2.

    1st, i dunno wut u have been doin’ 2 ur lips, but u needta lighten it up. in class, it didn’t look like u cud close ur mouth. it wuz just hangin’ open.

    2nd, wutevah u do, don’t tell eva abuya u think u can make trees fall by prayin’ ‘bout thingz. u wud get her on a convo ‘bout girl superheroes & how eva looks like storm in the x-men & a lotta whacked out stuff havin’ 2 do w/wondah woman & amazons.

    3rd. i dunno if u noticed but u added jokes ‘bout baked beans causin’ gas & a joke ‘bout literally givin’ sum1 a hand in ur blog entry. 4 sum1 like u who usually avoids puns, thass a v.v. bad sign.

    4th. i dunno if noticed, but the drama club director put up a sign for midsummer’s night dream askin’ 4 last minute replacement actors & sum1 signed up ur name. i hope it wuzn’t u, but it looks like ur hand-writin’. mebbe u were in sum kinda mental state thinkin’ it’s like sum kinda penance 4 damagin’ ur ‘rents’ house w/a tree. if ur smart, u’ll erase ur name b4 sum1 notices.

    just sum friendly advice. take it or leave it.

  • At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Well, I would have used the baked beans “gassed” pun, but you beat me to it. I’m so proud to see you taking on the family traditions. I told dad the joke about giving him a hand when he had the chainsaw, and we both laughed with our tongues sticking out for awhile. Pop was quite impressed with your joke. Then I told dad your joke about the omen and cursing the changing houses with your prayer, and dad said, “Well, that’s a head-scratcher. It sounds like it should be funny, but I am not quite getting the wordplay. Omen. Cursed. Prayed. “ I didn’t get the joke either, but between me and dad we are sure to work it out. There’s nothing like a good pun puzzler to get the minds of the Patterson men to work. Don’t tell us the answer. We’ll figure it out.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gah, i didn't pun! i anticip8ed puns! i do that in self defense!!!

    honoria, i do have issues w/yr dad. in yr last comment 2 yesterday's entry, u admitted that yr dad's attitude abt me (w/out putting it in xxactly these words, but bear w/me) is that if i don't put out 4 ger, he shd find another girl who is willing 2. and honestly i thot parenting a daughter wd change his perspective. and i'm also surprised that in the negotiation u describe yesterday, betw yr parents, that yr mom wd settle on allowing u 2 do things that, by mboro rules wd prevent u from being able 2 wear a super-ultra-white on yr wedding day!

    jeremy, it's 2 l8. the drama teacher showed up and begged me 2 b in the play, and 2 tear up the no-acting agreement he got me 2 sign b4. and eva was w/him, and she was like, "do it as a favour man, 2 a friend who alwayz takes yr side!" so, looks like i'm in. we're abt 2 start a rehearsal in abt 5 mins.

    oh, and i haven't dun nething 2 my lips. i dunno y they've changed like they have!


  • At 3:30 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Thanks, cowgirl! You won't be sorry. MCDunC and I will make this worth your while! Don't listen to "Jeremy-flower," he's from Bitterville, population: 1!


  • At 5:06 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur doin’ pretty good w/the shakespeare so far. i can hear u & unnerstand wut ur sayin’. if u cud kinda not make az much of a face wen eva az titania sez, “i pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again” or the whimpering wen duncan az bottom sez “i pray you, commend me to mistress squash”. & wen the guy playin’ lysander sez, “thy threats have no more strength than her weak prayers”, i think it wud b better if u didn’t yell out “it’s all my fault!!!” other than that, ur doin’ gr8. honoria iz here, & she’z writin’ sum long message 2u 'bout sum question u asked her.

  • At 5:07 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. What, pray tell, is the difference between anticipating a pun and saying it, versus just saying a pun? To the ear of the listener, the answer is none. Pop and I are still working on your “Omen. Cursed. Prayed.” pun. I am sure it will worthy of sticky-out tongue laughter, once we work it out.

    Dad thinks that maybe we should take a picture of this tree for insurance purposes. I wonder if Josef Weeder would be willing to drive to Milborough to take it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. Please. “Put out” is such a crude term. I much prefer “be nice” or “experience a satisfying event”. I must admit that your assessment of Pater and his view toward Gerald and his relationship to you is essentially correct. Pater is of the opinion there should be a level of affection between the two of you which would match the standards for teenaged physical affection commensurate with the over 4 years you have been together. Since you two are well below the 4-year affection average, Pater has concluded you are not truly interested in brother and he would be better off seeking a girl who is not as repressed (i.e. can return affection at a level commensurate with the years they will have been together). Confidentially, Pater is convinced that Gerald’s recent behaviour in publicly demeaning you with his scandalous rumor mongering, is a step in the right direction. I do not agree with Pater on this point. There is no reason for brother’s ungentlemanly behaviour toward you.

    April, you seem to think Pater would maintain a double-standard for his children’s psychosexual health just because of their gender. That is precisely the thought Pater’s predecessors in the field, Drs. Kinsey, Masters and Johnson fought to eliminate. Women have emotions and feelings and physical responses to affection which equal, if not surpass, men.

    Pater is a professional and he would not recommend a different course for me than he would for Gerald, if I had been in a relationship with a boy for over 4 years. Given the time, my Jeremy flower and I have been together, Pater says I am well within the normalized range of acceptable affection.

    As for my wedding, dearest future sister, Mater tells me the day her daughter is married in Milborough is a day when she…well…when she dies a horrible, gruesome death from overeating. I think it is just because there is not a hall in Milborough large enough to accommodate the number of people Mater plans to invite. Nevertheless, Mater says I will be wearing super-ultra-white. As Mater puts it, “Once you are married in Milborough with the appropriate number of 3 children, the residents care little about your premarital chastity.” For example, I am sure your sister will be wearing white for her wedding, despite her reputation.

    I hope this straightens out any confusion you may have about Pater and my wedding dress colour.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    I'm sorry I didn't talk to you at the play rehearsal this afternoon. The drama teacher wasn't sure how I should stand on stage, and he ended up having me walk on my knees, which kind of hurt. Duncan, I didn't mean to knock you over with the flower props.


  • At 6:51 PM, Anonymous Harold Green said…

    Hey, April! April, April! Oh, wow, you're a real celebrity -- I'm so excited! Whooooo!

    Your dad came by my uncle's workshop today, looking for any train gear he might have lying around. Well, I think you can guess who had to go into the storage room and have boxes fall on his head and get tangled up in a cobweb! Here's a hint: it wasn't Uncle Red! Heehee! Anyway, while I was prying my leg out from between two cartons, I heard your dad talking about Farley.

    See, I don't know if you know this...because your parents never tell you anything and BOY do I know how that feels...but Farley wasn't JUST a dog. Sure, for the first fourteen years of his life, he mostly just slept and scratched his fleas and slept on the floor so people would trip over him. But he was actually a super-engineered CYBER dog! Right about the time he died, he was supposed to start bringing peace to the Middle East, and fix all the roads in Manitoba, and invent a flying car! Except I know he wasn't going to do that, because Hap Shaughnessy has been working on flying cars for YEARS now.

    Anyway, my uncle Red said afterwards that he just went to another place in his head and dreamed about fishing. Your dad sure can talk, can't he! But the point is, I think that if Farley was so valuable, people would have known about it already. Unless it was a really top-secret project that they cut your fingers off if you tell anything...you know I saw that in a movie once...But personally, I don't think a dog is more important than a FOUR YEAR OLD KID. Even though my uncle says dogs are better because they don't ever talk. I said I didn't know what he meant by that, and he said "Hold this, will you?" and stuck a bandana in my mouth.

    Anyway, I was thinking -- maybe Uncle Red and I could build another cyber-dog for your family! Then they'd stop blaming you, and our dog would be bigger and better and have surround sound! And, uh, since we're both sixteen now, would you be interested in maybe having a picnic on the shores of Possum Lake? Don't answer right away --- heehee!

    Harold Green

  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Bonnie Green said…

    Harold Green!!

    I see our wedding day, April 7, 2006; means nothing to you if you are chasing after 16-year-old girls. Straighten up, or I am going to drive my truck back to Port Asbestos. Your uncle Red may say, “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy”, but that doesn’t mean handy with another woman! I am staying with your aunt Bernice tonight, in case you want to apologize and make up. Bring flowers, not anything made with duct tape.

    Bonnie Green

  • At 7:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, so yr dad thinks alfred "prok" kinsey is, like, sum gr8 role model, eh? this is a guy who'd, like, xxpect the researchers who worked w/him, and their spouses/partners, to engage in whatevs sex acts that struck "prok"'s fancy. and if they didn't want 2, or even hesit8ed, he'd b all, "oh, u haven't b-come SEX SHY, have u?" like this was the worst accusation. he was so hung up on fighting "repression" that it never occurred 2 him that being peer-pressured in2 sex is not ne better than avoiding it cuz of community standards or repression or whatevs. he totally sexually harassed every1 in his inner circle. gr8 role model.

    and funny, u make it sound like yr mom has had an about face, cuz ger had told me she had her heart set on her kids all having mboro white weddings, esp. her daughter. and have u 4gotten what liz was saying abt milborough and the wedding stoning tree? remember how liz was already saying i'm gonna need an ivory or beige dress? i dunno abt that 4 sure, but mboro is totally messed up. personally, i'd rather get married sumwhere else, but ger has this sentimental idea of marrying here. u know, if we end up getting married.

    mike. "omen, cursed, prayed" was NOT a pun, u knucklehead. NOT everything is. DUH.

    zandra, no prob. i was pretty focused on not making 2 much of a fool of myself. acting really isn't my thing!

    wow, harold and bonnie green! talk abt celebs! harold, i think u shd buy flowers 4 bonnie and make up!


  • At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. You seem to be cross with me. I don’t know why, but I must apologize for anything I may have written which would cause offence. However, you did not read my last post carefully. After you accused me of saying my Pater considered Dr. Kinsey a great role model, I had to go back and reread what I wrote to make sure I had not said such a thing. I had not.

    You don’t seem to like the way Dr. Kinsey harassed his researchers, adults who had the power to make their own decisions. Pater has a strong distaste for the research Dr. Kinsey did into children’s sexuality with child subjects who did not have that decision-making power. Nevertheless, Pater still agrees with the conclusion Drs. Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson took that “Women have emotions and feelings and physical responses to affection which equal, if not surpass, men.” I know many people in Milborough strongly disagree with the notion women are the equal to men when it comes to affection. There are people I have met who have given everything they owned to their sons and ignored their daughters. I find it quite shocking. It saddens me to think my future sister may be one of these people; but I have high hopes for you changing your mind, particularly after you marry brother.

    As for your memories, I do remember your sister talking about a wedding stoning tree, and I also remember very clearly telling my Jeremy flower I would not get married in a town which had such abhorrent practices. As for the comments your sister made about your wedding dress colour, I either ignored her or assumed she was joking. It was certainly a comment unworthy of a beloved sister. I would recommend you ignoring your sister’s romantic advice, particularly the advice she gave you to tell my brother to “stuff it.”

    Back in the days when Bronson van Daam was my boyfriend, I aspired to marry on one of the palatial van Daam estates. I hadn’t spoken to Mater in several years at that point, and I had begun to doubt if I even had a family. Unfortunately, my time with Bronson is in the past, and Mater is in my future, so I must make concessions to her desires for me as her daughter. Already I have cut my calorie intake in half and I am trying to develop a taste for cotton balls soaked in vinegar or a light olive oil as a daily meal. I have managed to lose a few kilograms since I have been in Milborough, but I am a long way off from having Mater’s sublime physique and being able to fit into Mater’s wedding dress.

    As for my wedding location, I don’t know where Gerald got those ideas. You have met my Mater. Do you think she would ever have any of her children participate in a wedding where the bride was not adorned in the purest, blinding, shining white imaginable? If brother wanted you to be married in Milborough in white, then he should not have slandered your reputation the way he did. If your sister is right about you getting stoned if you don’t weigh beige, brother’s actions may have guaranteed you will have to marry outside of Milborough, where you can wear the white you deserve. That is what I plan to do.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:26 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Is it a pun on "Oh Men, Cursed and Depraved?"

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, it's not me being cross w/u so much as it is abt how i feel abt yr father. he has sed sum horrible, horrible things abt me! u have no idea how awful. when u calmly tell me what a wonderful professional he is, it makes me feel u r siding against me w/sum1 who was trying 2 mess up my life.

    the kinsey stuff--it's not so simple as "they were adults and they cd leave." 4 one thing, he recruited yung undergrads who were still pretty impressionable, built a real psychological hold over them, and he really played sum terrible mind games w/them.

    2 tell u the truth, honoria, i was hoping yr dad WOULD change his views once he remembered that he had a daughter. and it's not abt having a dbl standard so much as, well, it wd b nice if he'd, like, realized he had been wrong abt his attitude toward ME. ok, i'm rambling, and that probably doesn't sound like it made ne sense.

    mike, no.


  • At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I do like you and hope you will be my future sister, since brother Gerald is so enraptured by you; but I cannot side with you against Pater, after I just rediscovered him a scant 8 weeks ago. A girl going against her father just isn’t done, and I have certainly never seen Pater do anything unprofessional.

    You tell me he has said horrible thing about you, but I know my brother has done something similar with his slanderous tales he told people around school. Considering how Gerald feels about you, I cannot imagine the circumstances which would lead him to do such a terrible thing. I have no idea why brother would want to have his girlfriend of the last 4 years painted as someone he scored on like she was a roadside gig. I don’t know why Pater would say horrible things about you. I have no idea why you have not had a long discussion with Gerald about this. It has been weeks and weeks since it happened, but you say this witch of the north is preventing you from taking action. Nothing about this makes sense to me. There has to be more to this than what you or Gerald or Pater is telling me.

    It’s difficult for me to know the truth. However, I do know a proper young lady doesn’t go against her father, except in the direst of circumstances. Without knowing exactly what happened between you and Pater, I cannot make a judgment one way or the other.

    I am terribly sorry, dear April. My own opinion is that you should go against the wishes of this witch, who obviously does not have your best interests at heart, and make things right with my brother. I can definitely support you in that endeavour.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 2:58 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As you know, after dad called up and said a tree fell on the old Stibbs’ place for which he had just gotten the keys; I came over with the chainsaw. Then I called up some guys I know who are good with trees. You know them as Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne, and they said a number of things like: Why didn’t you invite us to your party last year? Why do you only call us when you need help? Why are you trying to remove a tree with just a chainsaw, you idiot? Do you want to damage the house even more?

    It was a good thing I called them because they said we would at least need a ladder and some ropes to secure the tree, and we would need someone strong to carry and stack the wood, and we would need to take mom home because they could hear her hysterical shrieking about being in shock all the way over at Lakeshore Landscaping, the business they own thanks to dad’s investments. Naturally I brought Deanna as the muscle, but mainly I brought her because she was quite anxious to leave the children with you to get away from them (as she likes to do), and perhaps also to get away from mom’s shrieking.

    After removing the tree and cutting it into firewood, Deanna then began to do the firewood stacking for dad, while I climbed up the ladder to give dad my professional opinion on the roof repair. I have been thinking my 3rd novel should be about the life of a professional roofer and I remember seeing a roofer in action once years ago, so I have spent a long time researching it. One of the joys and frustrations of being a novelist is having to be so well-informed on such a variety of subjects. Thanks to novel #1, I am an expert on sod farming and World War II. Thanks to novel #2, I know almost everything there is to know about windjammers and pirates.

    I said, “Shouldn’t take more than a day or two to fix the house, dad. I’ve got some guys coming over to check it out.” Of course the guys are Lawrence and Nick, but they are guys still, despite their orientation. At first they said, “Call a roofer, you idiot.” But when I explained that they hadn’t sucked up to dad in a long time, they said, “OK. We’ll be over, but your dad better not start telling us any stories about home repair.”

    After I climbed down the ladder, it occurred to me there were quite a few things I wanted pop to repair at his place before he moved out. So, I said, “That reminds me. There are things that need repairing over at your place.” Dad and Deanna got big, broad smiles on their face, and I could tell it was going to be one of those moments where people know things I don’t know, and sure enough, little sis; that’s exactly what it was. Dad said, “You mean, your place! You and Deanna own that house now.”

    Yes, formerly little sis, you could have blown me over with a feather when I dad revealed this little secret to me. You see years of doing my own repairs in Lovey Saltzmann’s apartment had groomed me for a life of home inspection. So, I had been making a list of things for dad to repair before we officially accepted the purchase of his house and he moved out. It was getting to be quite a substantial list. When dad dropped the bombshell I already owned his house, I was wondering how I had missed it. Maybe I signed papers in my sleep.

    My lovely Deanna did not seem surprised at all. In fact she came up and rejoindered by telling dad, “We won’t own that house for a long time, John. It’s going to own us!” She seemed to say it which such enthusiasm and glee in her voice as she looked deep into pop’s eyes. I wondered what was going on. Then it occurred to me when we were living in Lovey Saltzman’s apartment, Deanna never repaired anything. I had done all the repairs. What my Deanna really meant to say was that it was going to own me. I had this sudden sense that I was going to have a hard time finding time in the day to write my second novel. When I agreed to be a kept man, little did I suspect it was going to be the house who was keeping me.

    Then dad got into one of his touchy-feely moods he has been having a lot of lately, and wrapped Deanna and me into his arms and said, “It’s nice to have a sense of ‘belonging,’ isn’t it.” Which is a nice way of dad saying, “You’re not getting any repairs out of me, sonny!” What could I say? My lovely Deanna and my father had teamed up and transferred his house to our names before I could get dad to do the repairs. I wonder how Lawrence and Nick feel about repairing other people’s homes.

    Michael Patterson


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