Another Senior Snit From Mom
Mom had a tantrum over being offered the senior discount again. This happens NEtime mom's offered one of those discounts 4 peeps 55 or over, and guess what? Mom IS 55! She'll B turning 56 l8r this yr. So ppl accurately guess her age, is that so bad? Until I turned 16, ppl were always guessing I was still 12! That is so much worse.
NEway, what happed is that Mom took Liz an' me out 2 a restaurant. Mom was all, "The town needs to see us bonding as mother and daughters." Whatevs. But as soon as the w8er offered Mom that discount, she got a storm cloud over her head. And Liz and I had 2 restrain ourselves from laffing cuz that wda made Mom act even worse.
Once we'd gotten home again, I heard Dad asking Mom, "Whoa... What's got U in a snit?" Again with the Everett-Callahan/Keanu "Whoa." And I heard Mom responding all "It happened again, John. I went out 4 lunch and when the w8er came with the check, he offered me a seniors' discount! I've been asked @ the grocery store 2. I mean...they just assume that I'm over 55. John--do I look that old?" And Dad, who's two yrs older than Mom, BTW, came back w/"Do I?" And Mom was all, "No!!!" and "2 me, U look the way we did when we got married. I little more grey, perhaps--a bit more expression around the eyes... But the same." Dad sed, "U haven't changed much either. 2 me, U're yung and xxciting and beautiful." Then, Dad was all, "With that in mind--I'd like 2 invite U out 2 dine w/me @ a fancy restaurant and a movie afterwards." Mom was like, "John, U R so sweet!" Then he added, "...MayB we can get a seniors' discount!!"
OK, I don't get it. Mom is s00per cheap. She's so cheap she shaves the pills off of 30-year-old sheets insteada just buying new ones. And yet she doesn't even want discounts she's eligible 4 cuz she'd rather misrepresent her age? Weird.
And all this stuff abt Mom and Dad not looking diff than they did when they met. Oh, please! They looked way diff back then, and if U've seen old pix, U know what I mean. And they never used 2 LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER, which is the scariest thing abt them now.
Apes
NEway, what happed is that Mom took Liz an' me out 2 a restaurant. Mom was all, "The town needs to see us bonding as mother and daughters." Whatevs. But as soon as the w8er offered Mom that discount, she got a storm cloud over her head. And Liz and I had 2 restrain ourselves from laffing cuz that wda made Mom act even worse.
Once we'd gotten home again, I heard Dad asking Mom, "Whoa... What's got U in a snit?" Again with the Everett-Callahan/Keanu "Whoa." And I heard Mom responding all "It happened again, John. I went out 4 lunch and when the w8er came with the check, he offered me a seniors' discount! I've been asked @ the grocery store 2. I mean...they just assume that I'm over 55. John--do I look that old?" And Dad, who's two yrs older than Mom, BTW, came back w/"Do I?" And Mom was all, "No!!!" and "2 me, U look the way we did when we got married. I little more grey, perhaps--a bit more expression around the eyes... But the same." Dad sed, "U haven't changed much either. 2 me, U're yung and xxciting and beautiful." Then, Dad was all, "With that in mind--I'd like 2 invite U out 2 dine w/me @ a fancy restaurant and a movie afterwards." Mom was like, "John, U R so sweet!" Then he added, "...MayB we can get a seniors' discount!!"
OK, I don't get it. Mom is s00per cheap. She's so cheap she shaves the pills off of 30-year-old sheets insteada just buying new ones. And yet she doesn't even want discounts she's eligible 4 cuz she'd rather misrepresent her age? Weird.
And all this stuff abt Mom and Dad not looking diff than they did when they met. Oh, please! They looked way diff back then, and if U've seen old pix, U know what I mean. And they never used 2 LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER, which is the scariest thing abt them now.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:00 AM
9 Comments:
At 4:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, my mom xxplained the looks thing 2 me. she sed, “u have the perfect story there. in mboro, the men look old & the women look young. so, wen ur husband dies, most women try 2 get a young-looking husband 2 replace him cuz they usually have ½ their life left 2 go. in order 2 attract a young-lookin’ husband, u can’t look like elly patterson. she has completely let herself go. she actually looks her age or older. i think it’s cuz she hangs out w/connie poirier all the tyme, who hasn’t done nething 4 the sun damage on her skin at all. connie looks like a walking mummy mosta the tyme & i know her son has told her to exfoliate.”
accordin’ 2 mom, wen ur dad dies, ur mom is not gonna b able 2 find ne1 2 replace him. she shud b worried ‘bout it, but it may b2 l8 4 her.” my mom, of course, haz spent a lotta tyme workin’ on her looks so she cud attract my future dad 4 their weddin’ comin’ up in september. it freaks me out sumtymes wen we’re out a restaurant & peeps congratul8 her for snagging a new good-lookin’ husband, & then mom hazta xxplain i am her son & not her husband & i am only 16 and not 40.
neway, i think it has less 2 do w/the cheap part & more 2 do w/peeps kinda lettin’ her know she’s let herself go. if it wuz just cheap, u know ur mom wud go 4 it.
At 5:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Deanna has put forth formal adoption papers for you, but unfortunately dad appears to be the lone holdout as far as the signing goes. For some reason he believes he deserves a senior's discount. His claim is that as a future veterinarian, you will make more money than Elizabeth and me and Deanna put together, and so he wants 10% of your expected financial contribution to his old age care in advance from us, or $100K.
Personally, I think that once my novel is declared the great Canadian novel, I will make more money than you will as a veterinarian, but you know dad has his prejudices against writing as a career and it is difficult to predict exactly how much the great Canadian novel will bring in. I am sorry to say, formerly little sis, I think this may be a deal breaker. Deanna refuses to give pop his senior discount (we would have to increase our loan amount), and pop refuses to let us adopt you unless he gets it. I suspect you are going to end up living with mom and dad, unless Deanna or dad backs down. They are very stubborn. I am sure we will find out soon, and you can report it to your readers tomorrow.
In the event we don't get to adopt you, I hope, at the very least, formerly little sis, you manage to convince mom and dad to let you have one of the 2 upstairs bedrooms and dad's offer to buy mom all new stuff applies to you too. The basement at the Stibbs' place looked like a health hazard, when we went to visit. If you end up there, you might want to take the dogs over to the Stibbs' house along with a baseball bat to kill all the rats. Also, you may want to remove the bars over the windows and the skeleton chained to the wall. (I think the skeleton is a fake and not actually Mrs. Stibbs. Mr. Stibbs has quite a good sense of humour.)
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:30 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I have nearly worked out all the details on our reality TV show Newlyfoobs. The producer of the show has agreed to eliminate the sassy black girl neighbour as a part of it. We had lunch today at the restaurant, La Crème de la Crème de Milborough, and negotiated a lot of compromises.
It would have been a perfect time, except your father and mother showed up there and when the bill came your dad made a big stink about getting a seniors' discount. I think the low point was when your dad was pointing at your mom and saying, "To me, she's young and exciting and beautiful; but to others, you must agree you think she looks worthy of a seniors' discount and a big, fat one." Apparently, La Crème de la Crème de Milborough only offers seniors' discounts for persons over 60, and generally only if people ask for them politely.
Your dad left in a huff and declared the Megaplex movie theatre (his next stop) better have seniors' discounts. I think they do, but judging from the mood your mother was in, a better question to ask might be about the chance of precipitation from the storm clouds gathering over her head. You might want to watch out, when they get home.
Howard Bunt
At 5:59 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, that wd xxplain y i heard mom saying sumthing 2 dad abt how he'd better outlive her. it was kinda creepy.
mike, i heard dad saying the whole "adoption" thing was never serious.
howard, omg, how mbarrassing. my dad an' mom r totally hopeless!
apes
At 6:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I suppose dad would say the whole "adoption" thing was never serious. He knew Deanna and I were not going to be able to meet his demands for a seniors’ discount. I suppose this means you will be headed over to the Stibbs’ house. Remember what I said about bringing the dogs over and a baseball bat to deal with the rats, if you visit the basement of the place.
Also, you might want to avoid mom right now. I don’t know what happened with dad and mom on their special dinner and a movie out, but I do know a hailstorm when I see one. Dandruff doesn’t make the carpet icy like that.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:26 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I are giving your step-grandmother Iris a belated 51st birthday right now. Belated because her actual birthday was yesterday and she wanted to spend it with relatives, which I suppose was just you again. Iris mentioned that your mother did not even mention it on her website, which is where she usually mentions family birthdays, but instead chose to feature Victoria Day. Iris made a big show about how it didn’t make any difference to her, but I can tell her feelings were hurt.
I thought about taking my fiancée Becky, Iris and your grandfather out to eat; but Iris said he was embarrassed about his difficulty in eating things in front of other people and frankly Becky didn’t want him looking down her shirt the whole time. Also, Becky wants to pump Iris for information she may have about which people in your neighbourhood would best fit the qualifier of “whacky next-door-neighbour” for our reality TV show. It will help us determine which house in your neighbourhood to buy. Becky doesn’t normally like talking to Iris, because she tends to feel sorry for herself a lot; but she probably will not have much of a chance under Becky’s barrage of questions.
I am sitting with your grandfather and having a slow conversation with him via typing and using the picture book and some pictures I got off the internet. We are having a grand conversation about his 2 daily nurses, and his speech therapist, and his physiotherapists and which one of them has the best body and which body part of which woman he likes the best. Of course, his preferred dance partner is still his "lady", Iris.
Fortunately, I have worked for your grandfather before, so cleaning up after his various kinds of messes is not a strange thing for me. After all, when you don’t have your favourite nurses or your spouse around, there’s nothing like having a guy around who doesn’t have any problem picking you up to get you on the po.
It sounds like, from what your brother is writing, you may be getting some bad news from your parents soon about where to live. Becky wants you to know that you can come and stay with us anytime. The Reality TV people of Newlyfoobs want to film us going through the home-buying process, and I expect we will be getting on with it next week.
Howard Bunt
At 9:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, howard, that b-day is v. v. bel8ed, since iris's 51st b-day was 30 yrs and one day ago. but i'll bet celebr8ing her 51st instead of her 81st helps make her feel yung and vibrant, so that was a pretty clever idea.
yeah, it happens i have rec'd sum bad news abt my living sitch. i'm a bit 2 upset 2 discuss it rite now, so i'll tell abt it in 2morrow morning's blog entry.
apes
At 12:59 AM,
howard said…
April,
Oopsie. I guess my finger was headed for 8 and I got 5 instead. Yes. 81st birthday is correct. Becky and Iris had a good talk and I think we may have found the house we plan to buy. Becky may tell you more about it tomorrow, assuming it's not restricted information for the Newlyfoobs TV show.
Sorry about your bad news. Whatever it ends up being, just remember, the offer is still open from Becky and me.
Howard Bunt
At 1:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
April your mother is spoiled. She has never had a severe illness, never faced poverty and has been the wife of an upper middle class dentist who could puruse hobbies more then actual careers. Most people in their late 50s have a little bit of wisdom, sadly your mother who whines, cries and complains about every little thing, from discounts to pets has never grown up. You show more maturity then she does, and both your brother and sister.
Because she has been so spoiled she has developed no empathy for the sufferings of others like moving you to another house and then shoving you in the basement without even allowing you a word in edge wise.
Time to move out!
Oh if your mother wants to look better and not so old, she needs a hair cut, new clothes--instaed of the grandma pants and short shirts--she needs tunics and dresses to hide her figure flaws--her extreme pear figure, and to stop dressing like she is 20. Tell her to throw away those ugly green nehru jackets, those things are butt-ugly and the huge glasses. She really needs a make over bad. Maybe you could contact "What Not To Wear" and have them deal with her, because if you tell her how she really looks you may suffer worse then banishment to the basement....
Tell your sister Liz to stop dressing like her too, thats why she isn't getting any dating action lately.
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