April's Real Blog

Saturday, May 19, 2007

2morrow we focus on sumthing else

Yeah, so I was out pretty l8 last nite, but fortch Iris has given me a key so I can get in2 the apt quietly an' not disturb NE1. Dennis North took me 2 Koolhaus last nite, since Ger is all bizzy w/his "frustr8ed childhood sweetheart of a Patterson woman" support groups he's required 2 attend. Jeremy got us in 2 the all ages show they were having in honour of Victoria Day this weekend. Liz was totally rite abt Dennis's dancing abilities, even 4 the kinda dancing U do @ Koolhaus (so glad he doesn't try 2 ballroom dance 2 music that doesn't go w/that!)

NEway, this morning, Iris told me abt how, recently, she was lying in bed awake while Gramps was sleeping next 2 her. I was a bit worried this was gonna B all TMI on odefoax in bed, but luckily it didn't go that way.

Iris told me that she was thinking, "When he's sleeping, he just looks like my Jim. --It's as if he'd never had a stroke @ all. I wonder if he can speak normally in his dreams. I wonder if he can run and walk again and do all the things he used 2 do. I wonder how much he remembers and understands. It's so hard 2 tell when he can't communic8 properly." Then she put a hand on his cheek and whispered, "Jim...I hope U know... that I luv U." I told Iris that since Gramps was sleeping, mayB he heard her in his dream and answered her. And Iris sed, "Oh, I hope so, dear. I hope in his dream, we were dancing. And that he gave me an answer like 'And lady... I am CRAZY abt U!!'" Gramps had been sleeping over in their bedroom while we were having this convo, and we didn't xxpect he heard NE of it, but after that last bit, we heard his voice coming from the bedroom: "Yes! Torquing Yes! Crazy U!" And Iris got all teary.

Oh, sumthing I almost 4got 2 tell U all abt. When I stopped by the house yesterday, Mike was looking thru old foto albums. He sed he's been having a strange urge 2 pore over old fotos and rel8 things from the past 2 stuff that's going on now. Merrie an' Robin playing house made him turn 2 old fotos of him and Liz playing, and he suddenly remembered a time when they were little and he was xxplaining 2 Mom abt how he was pretending 2 B the daddy and Liz was the mommy, who was cleaning and cooking dinner. Liz was happily playing with a toy pot. Then Mom sed that she noticed that Liz didn't have NE "dollies" and asked Y she wasn't working. She told Liz that she cd B a lady police officer or a bus driver or sum other job, and Liz burst in2 tears, all, "I wanna B the mommy and cook dinner 4 Michael!" And then Mom was all muttering abt "So much 4 the gr8 revolution." Liz heard all this, and was like, "That's STILL what I want. OMG, this is Mom's fault. MayB if Mom hadn't encouraged me 2 b-come a teacher, I'd B a wife and Mommy now!" Then she burst in2 tears and took 2 the bed again.


Labels: , , , ,


  • At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D. said…

    April and Friends,

    I will try not to be too hurt by the fact that, while I was in Milborough on Johnston Institute business, the Team back home were dining on Subway submarine sandwiches without me! Even though this was MY idea!

    Anyway, I did return in time for our special meeting, and we decided that to celebrate Kate Johnston having joined the team, we will go to Build-a-Bear in Ottawa to make our own teddy bears. This, I will mention, was NOT my idea, but I was outvoted.

    Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.

  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It was so delightful to see you last night with your dance partner, Dennis North. I must apologize once again for accusing you of making moves on Jeremy by showing off your dancing skills with Dennis in front of Jeremy. It was certainly unladylike of me, particularly when I pulled your hair and called you that bad name. I don’t know what came over me. My Jeremy-flower tried to tell me Mr. North was a homosexual and I know he always tells the truth, but it wasn’t until I got a good look at his pores and realized he must regularly exfoliate, before it sank in.

    I think Mater’s news that I wasn’t going to age after September this year, was making me especially tense. Jeremy thinks I was being affected by your Patterson allure, because your sister had a similar effect on girlfriends or wives of her ex-boyfriends. I was doubtful, particularly when you shook your chest so close to Jeremy’s face. Jeremy explained that you had been spending a lot of time with your grandfather and that was a technique his speech therapist used. Neither of those explanations were satisfactory to me, but it doesn’t really matter now.

    After the concert and after Jeremy finished cleaning up, I informed him that he owed me one diddling, for having to put up with all that. My Jeremy-flower informed me that he was not going to diddle any 14-year-old girl and I would have to wait until I was older to be diddled. I told my Jeremy-flower I was probably going to be stuck at 14, since Mater said I wouldn’t age after September. And of course, I also cried. As you know, Jeremy has a weakness for crying women. My Jeremy flower said to me if Ottawa beat Buffalo today, and made it into their first Stanley Cup playoff in the team’s history; that would be an occasion worthy of a diddling.

    Well, dearest future sister, Ottawa did win and I went to Jeremy’s house and demanded my diddling. Then my older and more experienced Jeremy-flower asked me what I meant by diddling because he had looked it up and different people said it meant different things. Well, he told me what some of things were and I had to slap him several times for saying those things to a lady. After a good slapping, my Jeremy-flower was less interesting in diddling, but I reminded him of his promise. So, he said I should define what diddling meant, and I told him I must be wearing the purest white on my wedding day and feel no guilt about it. So, then my Jeremy-flower said a few things we could do, which would stay within the “White Wedding” boundaries, and I told him which of those would be acceptable to me.

    Let me tell you, dearest future sister, it was wonderful. I was swooning in pleasure. My Jeremy-flower kept saying, “Are you OK?” I tried to tell him I was feeling very, very good; but it’s so hard to tell someone these things when the diddling keeps you from communicating properly. I was able to get out the words “Yes, No” and oddly enough “Nothing broken” when Jeremy asked me questions like “Do you want me to keep going?” and “Do you want me to wipe up that sputum?”

    Eventually, my Jeremy-flower started cramping up, and so I gave him permission to stop. My tension was all gone. I didn’t care if Mater said I was a fatass, and I didn’t care if older brother punched me in the stomach, and I didn’t care if Gerald knitted me an ugly white sweater to match Mater’s, and I didn’t care that I had lost my chance to nail my old boyfriend Bronson van Daam and got expelled from my old school. Really, future sister, you should ask my brother to diddle you. It was like a years’ worth of therapy all in one afternoon.

    I told Jeremy, “Gentleman…I am crazy about you and your diddling.” When I said, “Gentleman”, Jeremy looked around to see if someone else was there. He can be quite a silly-willy sometimes.

    I have been giggling like a school girl every since. And singing songs. And skipping and dancing. Mater has checked 3 times to make sure I didn’t get into her happy pills. I hope your day has gone as well, dearest future sister.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    honoria, wut iz it w/u & ur bro ‘bout tellin’ othah peeps wut shud b private stuff? april duzn’t need 2 know that kinda stuff.

  • At 9:35 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    Dearest Jeremy-flower,

    As my dearest future sister, April has told me: You can tell your girlfriends about your personal life, because to us, it’s a secret. Do not concern yourself. It’s only forbidden when you tell the story to your male friends.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    honoria, the girlz @r.p. boire r worse @gossipin' than the boyz. i am not sayin' nethin' 2 nebody. i think thass wut u shud do.

  • At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    Dearest Jeremy-flower,

    It’s so easy to tell you’re a gentleman, who keeps his secrets to himself. I am sure April wishes my brother Gerald was just like you. I plan to tell April every detail about diddling, if she wants to hear it, since she is my dearest future sis, and I trust her.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, there is sum deb8 going on abt whether we all really stop aging in sept, or the johnston inst. just stop discussing ne new stuff that happs 2 us past the ages we r now. mayB we continue 2 age and carry on w/our lives, like, behind the scenes. whatev that means. that's the deb8 as i've heard it.

    ger l8ly is a lil afraid 2 do nething that cd get him in trub w/the johnston inst. and even if "diddling" isn't sumthing that wd make a woman unworthy of a white wedding gown, ger seems 2 think that since there r sum "dirty" definitions of it out there, he cd end up in serious trub.


  • At 9:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, and u r rite, honoria. i wish ger wd keep this private stuff 2 himself as well as jeremy duz!


  • At 12:47 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It is good to know about the debate over the September deadline for aging. Mater is of the opinion that time will stop in September and she will never turn 40, or have to deal with the ultimate humiliation of being a woman and getting a seniors’ discount in Milborough. She is quite enthusiastic about the idea, so she can avoid that dreaded discount.

    My brother is certainly afraid of the Johnston Institute when it comes to you; so I can understand why he might be afraid to initiate a good diddling for you. That puts you in a bad spot, because it would be unladylike for you to initiate being diddled, at least not directly. I used the tried and true method of getting my young man to promise to diddle me, and then after that, I simply reminded him of his promise.

    As for “dirty” definitions, a lady can define it herself so she knows it’s not dirty, but a little naughty. Even a well-mannered lady is allowed to be a little naughty now and again, as long as she doesn’t bring shame to the family. I checked the Delaney-Forsythe Handbook of Behaviour in the section which talks about ways to humiliate the family, and I am well within the boundaries of proper behaviour. Perhaps you can get my brother to do the same. A good diddling is well worth it.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe


Post a Comment

<< Home