April's Real Blog

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

WonderTwin Dad Thinx He's Opposite

Thanx again 2 Nelson Muntz 4 writing in 2 let us know what U heard my 'rents saying outside of the Stibbs house recently, when that tree branch broke and fell on2 the roof. I heard a lil bit abt what happed next.

Mom and Dad went 2 take a closer look, and Mom was all, "What happened?" Dad sed, "A birch tree fell on the house!" Dad went on w/"Don't worry--it's probably minor damage." Then was was like, "But we just BOUGHT this place!" Mom: "I'm...I'm in shock!" Dad: "Things like this happen. We'll deal wi/it." Mom and Dad went in2 the house, and Mom started 2 freak, all "There's plaster all over the living room...And we haven't even moved in yet!" Dad was like, "That's a good thing!" And he embraced Mom, all, "Everything's going 2 B OK, honey." Mom asked, "How can U B so positive, when I'm so ANGRY?" And Dad squeezed her an' sed, "Opposites attract." Which is pretty hilarious considering he an' Mom have come 2 resemble ea other so much that ppl mix 'em up if it's not immediately clear who has a bun or who has a chin-butt (cleft).

Jeremy, thanx 4 helping me babysit Merrie an' Robin last nite. U had sum questions so I'll try an' answer:
april, i hadda good tyme sittin’ ur niece & nephew w/u, evn wen ur niece told us that story. that wuz a weird story ur niece told us ‘bout her mom. i mean it kinda makes sense, but it wuz weird. do u know if it’s true or not? i mean did ur sil rilly decide 2 buy ur house 2 raise her kids cuz it wuz her way of tellin’ her mom wut she thot ‘bout her az a mother compared 2 ur mom? wen u think ‘bout it, ur house iz not xxactly the best choice. there’s not ne young kids in the neighbourhood ne more, cuz they’re all like our age or oldah, & the house iz kinda old. ur niece wuz complainin’ there wuz no1 2 play w/ & i can kinda c it. they’ve been in ur house 5 months now & i can’t think of them playin’ w/ne1 but u & me wen i’m here. y wudn’t ur sis wanna buy a house in a new development, like gordon mayes did? there’s gotta b kids in the mayes’ neighbourhood. i dunno y ur sil wud punish the kids 2 make a point w/ur mom. & i felt kinda bad ur niece sed her othah grandparents usedta come ovah & visit @their old apartment in TO all the tyme, but haven’t been 2 visit ur niece & nephew, since rite aftah ur bro’s fam moved in aftah the fire.
I'm not really sure abt Dee an' her motives 4 wanting the house. Part of it seemz 2 B she has this picture in her hed of Merrie and Robin sumhow repeating the childhood Mike and Liz had when they were little, but w/out thinking abt how all the kids who were Mike and Liz's age then R also Mike an' Liz's age now, and the parents of those kids mostly have not moved out and been replaced w/lil kids and babies. But yeah, 4 all I know her Mira-h8 cd have sumthing 2 do w/it. I felt bad, 2. Mira's been a pain in the butt @ times, but she's v. v. good w/her grandkiddles, and they LUV her. It's mean 2 keep them away from one another.
i nevah knew i wuz gonna get that kinda reaction frum ur niece wen i asked her wut she thot ‘bout her grandma & grandpa’s new house gettin’ hit by the tree, so they cudn’t move. neway, i hadda good tyme sittin’ w/u like always. the only prob wuz that weird story & u gettin’ callz frum that diana artemis woman all the freakin’ tyme askin’ 4 a status.
Sorry abt all thoze interruptions from Dr. Artemis. The Johnston Institute ppl are a lil overeager. OK, a LOT overeager. I was also a bit surprised when Merrie got that fit of uncontrollable giggles when U were asking her 4 a reaction 2 the tree falling on the new teeny-tiny train house. I don't think I've ever seen a fit of the giggles that went on 4 so long. And of course, all that giggling from Merrie got Robin laffing 2, even tho he didn't understand what she was laffing abt! NEway, thanx again 4 helping w/the sitting!


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  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky and I had initially decided not to buy the house 2 houses down from the Stibbs place, because we thought with the falling tree it would be awhile before you were actually living there. You know how it is around Milborough, things take a long time to happen, but then when they do happen, it occurs very rapidly. For example, your parents hem and haw over the Stibbs house and then they turn around and buy the thing in a matter of days. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was past August and you were taking your annual trip to Winnipeg and you came back, and packed and moved into the Stibbs house in a few hours.

    Well, the guy selling the house 2 houses down, apparently heard your mom shrieking about the tree and the plaster and being in shock and all that and declared that the rumours he had heard about the way your mom’s voice carries and the grating quality of it were worse than he anticipated and he lowered the price on his house again in order to convince Becky and me to buy. It is so inexpensive, it is hard not to buy. I told Becky it was so cheap, we could buy and then sell it again at tremendous profit. Becky wisely pointed out that your mother would still be living 2 houses down and the chances of reselling it were limited. She’s right of course. We can get the house cheap, but we would never sell it.

    In the meantime, I have been checking the birch trees in the neighbourhood to see if any more of them are rotten. So far none of them are, but then again, the one that fell on the Stibbs house doesn’t look too bad either, so maybe I don’t know what I am looking for.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I think the home buying is starting to get to mom. I was reading the Clarion Weekly with my latest Edgewise column, Part 12 on my series Why Portrait Magazine Stinks Since I Left, when I doodled some notes for my next column Part 13 on the paper. Mom saw me do it, and started to go into hysterics.

    She said, “You marked on that paper.” I said, “Yes I made a few notes. Don’t worry. I’ve already read the paper.” Mom said, “But…we just bought the paper. I’m…I’m in shock.” I said, “I doodle on newspaper all the time, mom.” She said, “There’s ink all over the paper…and I haven’t even read the comics section yet.” I said, “That’s a good thing. Today’s comics stink.” Mom said, “How can you be so positive, when I’m so angry?!!!” I said, “You’re always angry, mom.” Then she started shrieking some more and that was the end of that conversation and the beginning of kitchen items being hurled.

    Warning to the wise, be careful talking to mom, formerly little sis.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. Living with Pater and his psychosexual talk have left me quite an expert on the subject of relationships. Your father may think that opposites attract, but nothing could be further from the truth. The true characteristics making up a relationship between a man and a woman fall into…let me see if I can remember what Pater was saying over supper last night… four categories:

    • wealth and status
    • family commitment
    • physical appearance
    • sexual fidelity

    Pater said people who are like-minded in these areas are more likely to have a successful marriage than more disparate individuals. Your father was trying to say that he and your mother are opposites, because she screams (Yes. We heard her over at our house about the plaster. Her voice carries terrifically. I am so sorry, April.) and your father does not.

    If it were just screaming, your father and mother would never stay together, but you point out that they look so much like each other you called them the Wonder Twins. That’s the real reason they stay together. If they didn’t, your parents probably would have divorced years ago. I know I would. I wouldn’t be able to standing living with someone who screams like that. I feel so sorry for you again, my dearest future sister. I am sure when you marry my brother, and you mother comes to visit, he will make sure there is a sound-proofed room in your house to hide.

    When I picked my Jeremy flower, I was trying to find a young gentleman with a trust fund (wealth and status), a devoted parent or parents (his mother), sexual fidelity (I am pretty sure he is not diddling anyone else than me) and physical appearance. Well, I had to make some allowances on the physical appearance part. My Jeremy flower is not the man, my old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam was, but as far as available boys in Milborough go, he is the best choice for me. I know you feel the same about Gerald.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 4:44 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    u know ur dad wuz talkin’ ‘bout how opposites attract & it made me think. sumtymes i think honoria & i r like opposites attracted, evn i don’t rilly think ur ‘rents r, like u sed. honoria comez frum money & i don’t. she’z got a mom, dad & 2 brothers in a nice house & i just have my mom, aftah my dad ran off wen i wuz a baby. she’z 14 & sumtymes it seemz like she’z so sophistic8ed she’z 20 & sumtymez she rilly acts like she’z 14. she’z a lot bettah lookin’ than most girls i’ve been out w/b4. i think it’s cuz she spends a lotta tyme on how she looks. she’z just ‘bout az opposite frum me az u can get, but 4 sum reasn she wuz innerested in me. i dunno y 4 sure. she tellz me the reasn, but i always get the feelin’ it’s not the whole reasn. thass prolly just b-in’ insecure. i dunno.

  • At 5:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i m glad u an' becks r gonna b my neighbours! that's so cube.

    mike, i'm always careful abt talking 2 mom, cuz u never know what can set her off. hey, btw, i thot it was interesting when u were showing me sum pix from the early 80s and telling me abt how dad useta yell @ least as much as mom. yr stories abt how dad wd get mad @ u, open his mouth, and just, like, GROWWWLLL really gave me the heebee jeebies. i guess i'm lucky he's like mellowed or channeled his rage in2 trains. i'm not sure which it is.

    honoria, yr mentioning yr dad an' "psychosexual talk" made me remember a question i've been meaning 2 ask u. since yr 'rents have remembered they have a teenage daughter, has yr dad's attitude abt teenage sexuality changed? he useta b totally "yay horndog, get yrself laid, find a girl who puts out"-like. he must b diff now, eh?


  • At 5:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i m so sorry 2 hear that there were sum peeps @ school calling u a "loser grade-eight girl diddler." and i heard one of them say, "the girl mite not kiss an' tell, but she diddles and blog-comments!" kids r age can b so cruel!


  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. When I was younger, dad used to be quite noisy, and believe it or not, used to intentionally do things to get mom upset. I don’t know that he has mellowed from the repeated blows to the head from frozen foods or coffee cups thrown by mom, or if it is some kind of brain damage. If you have the misfortune to walk into the area where he keeps his trains while he is being noisy, you will soon discover what he is channeling in there is not rage, but something quite a bit more embarrassing. At least it was embarrassing to me. My advice is always, when mom and dad are noisy, stay far away.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. Pater is a professional of the highest degree and his psychosexual viewpoints with respect to women has not changed one iota due to his remembering I exist. Of course, I haven’t been around for a long time to judge any differences, so my opinions are based on what brother Gerald has told me and some articles and papers Pater leaves around his office for his children to find. I find it very difficult to believe Pater has ever used the word “horndog”, but he has regular sessions with Gerald to help him deal with your repressed sexuality.

    Pater has a strong belief in sexual expression and worries about the severe psychosexual damages which will occur if the natural impulses are repressed. He is a student of Drs. Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson; which denounced the ridiculous idea that a lady has no interest in those subjects. Mater, however, is very conscious of the social backlash in Milborough, if a girl is even considered to have gone “roadside”, whether it is true or not.

    “Diddling” was a compromise position between Mater and Pater after some argument between the two of them in one of my therapy sessions which is likely to leave me scared for life having heard some of the things they said. Nevertheless, the truth of the matter is that neither Mater nor Pater was chaste before marriage, and they have no regrets about it, except Pater with that pygmy woman when he was on safari in Africa during his teenage years. I need to block that image out of my head. Mater’s only regret was that her sweetheart Ronson van Daam was accidentally killed before they could marry and fulfill what she had begun with him physically. The reason “diddling” is a compromise is that it leaves me with all the lady-like signs of physical chastity while still allowing me to release my tensions in a safe and non-life-threatening way.

    I would recommend “diddling” to you, but apparently the powers in Corbeil have taken a special interest in you. Brother tells me your older brother was intimate with his high school and university girlfriends, and that your older sister was known to have lived with her university boyfriend; so it appears their restrictions are intended for you alone. This is difficult for brother Gerald to accept, since he has been lusting over you for over 4 years. Pater has recommended Gerald find a release with other, less-repressed girls, but he has underestimated the power your “Patterson allure” has over Gerald. It must be nice to be able to ensure loyalty. If I had that kind of allure, I might still be at Cashwell Day School with my boyfriend Bronson van Daam, instead of with my Jeremy-flower.

    I have been blathering on now. I believe you wanted to know if my Pater was different now he knows I exist. He is, but not as far as psychosexual health is concerned.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 8:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m not 2 worried ‘bout the peeps @ school who call me "loser grade-eight girl diddler." @least it’s diffrent frum “germy wormy” which has been goin’ on 4 years. it’s sumthin’ new 2b called. aftah the gym/jam i wuz called a “druggie” & “rebeccah h8er” & aftah last year’s shakespeare went up in smoke, i wuz called a “smoker” & “old foggy”. ‘course 1 of the big diffs iz that if honoria iz w/me & hears it, she’z all ovah the peeps sayin’ “& i suppose u idiots r so psychosexually repressed u don’t diddle ur gf!” mosta them have, so they kinda shut up aftah that. it’s a good thing, honoria izn’t afraid 2 confront a sitch, & i think it helps she’z a girl. wen i usedta get mad ovah “germy wormy” i gotta lotta swirlies frum peeps.

  • At 9:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, omg, ew, yeah, i'll stay far away if dad's w/his trains an' being noisy.

    honoria, i m NOT repressed. i guess yr dad brainwashed u on that. but i m also guessing that if one of his therapy colleagues w/a teenage son were trying 2 push that teenage son 2 take yr virginity, he wdn't b all, "oh, gr8, normal psychosexual development! above average!" no, i think he'd b more likely 2 get a hunting rifle and chase the boy down.

    u recommend "diddling" as a way 2 release tensions. well, i'm confused now. u told me the version of "diddling" u did = 2nd base. well, ger an' i have dun that, but it doesn't release ne tensions. but if u go here nun of those defs have nething 2 do w/2nd base. ::confused::


  • At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. Have you forgotten our previous conversation when I shared the secret of how I defined “diddling” for you? I don’t want to be unladylike and write it on your Real Blog for everyone to see. It’s a secret between girlfriends. However, using your source to define diddle, please go to the same source for its definitions of “second base.” Some of them closely match at least some of the definitions of “diddling” and even my own. I think maybe the problem is what you would consider to be a tension-releaser. Gerald tells me your family can be high strung, and judging from the public screaming of your mother, it is not difficult to see why it might be difficult for you to release tension. Who can calm down when their Mater is shrieking about in public like that? I doubt I could, even if my Jeremy-flower diddled me all day long.

    As for Pater, if one of his therapy colleagues with a teenaged son were trying to push that teenaged son to take my virginity, my Pater would have a few questions for him, like “Why are you so interested in my daughter? Are you aware she is already in a relationship? Are you trying to live vicariously through your son? Let’s discuss your thoughts about virginity and whether or not it is something to be taken from a woman or given by a woman.” And then he would probably have the man talk about his relationship with his wife and whether or not she was a virgin when they got married, and if there were some issues remaining over that, and did that have anything to do with pushing his son to take a 14-year-old girl’s virginity whom neither he nor his son knew.

    It has come up before. As Mater says, “It’s the price of being thin and pretty. Men will be interested in you.” Milborough is a pretty repressed town, and there’s always some man seeking to make a match with me and his teenaged son. Pater is not really interested in hunting them down with a rifle. Goodness no! How barbaric! Besides these disturbed men and teenaged boys make for great clients. Pater would support a teenaged boy’s psychosexual health, but he does not believe in fixating on a girl, who has no relationship with the boy.

    Pater is always more interested in the psychosexual repression that runs through the Milborough residents. He said he has traced it down to something that happened in Milborough sometime around 1979, but he has not been able to pinpoint it. That was a long time ago. I don’t think Pater will ever figure it out.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe


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