Moping and "TREASON"
So, back 2 when I was moping 2 Eva. After we'd finished the Hot Spudz potato chips, we went outside and sat on the front steps. I asked, "Do U think I'm weird, Eva?" And Eva was all, "Nope. If U're weird, then I'm weird, 2." And 4 a sec I thot abt Eva's cowpoke talk and how ppl def think that's weird, and I felt slightly panicky, but then I remembered what I wanted 2 say next, which was, "I feel, like, totally alone sumtymez. Nobody understands me. Nobody listens, nobody cares... I don't even think that Gerald does!" And Eva, who had disturbingly gone in2 silhouette, sipped sum non-silhouette water and sed, "Yeah... Gerald." Then, I think mayB cuz she realized she was all silhouetty, and wanted 2 B C'n 4 what she sed next, Eva stood up and got in front of me. Then, not in silhouette NEmore, she was all, "Did U know that he's agreed 2 do a gig w/Becky?" And I was all, "WHAT?!! That's, like, TREASON! What wd make him commit treason?!!" OK, I know it's not treason, but that's the kind of emo mood I was in that day. And Eva was all, "150 bucks, and a chance 2 B C'n on TV." And I went, "Oh." Yo, Becks, I'll do it 4 $100!!!
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:01 AM
19 Comments:
At 10:35 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. So, that strumpet Becky McGuire has lured away your boyfriend with 150 loonies and a chance to be seen on television. Because he is your primary childhood sweetheart, I suppose there is one part of you which may be thinking that your life is starting to mirror that of your unfortunate, slightly older sister, Lizardbreath, and your boyfriend is cheating on you. There may also be another part of you which realizes that your boyfriend could marry and have children with that slattern Becky McGuire, and he would still be yours thanks to the power of your allure and the innate evil of an only child/woman with an Irish background. It is my opinion as your more experienced brother, both parts are right. When you are a Patterson, if you experience anything other than the most abject loyalty in your potential mate, it is a sign of infidelity.
I remember when I was in university and I was getting ready to break up with Rhetta Blum, so I could continue seeing my lovely Deanna without guilt, the phone call I made to Rhetta’s room, and the response from her roommate that Rhetta was out with another man. I did not even question if the roommate had it wrong, or if the roommate hated Rhetta and wanted to cause her pain by making her boyfriend think she was cheating, or if the man with whom she was out was simply a study partner for a class. Even the smallest hint of disloyalty with a Patterson is a sure sign of cheating.
Your partner must be there when you call. As the Lizardbreath can tell you, if your partner doesn’t come down to support you while you are going to the courthouse for the better part of a month testifying at a trial, then that is a sure sign he is messing around with someone else. If your partner tells you he has to work at Yellowknife for a long time and cancels a date with you, then he is a spit worthy, stone cold, cheating liar. If your partner goes to ice hockey practice without his skates, you know you are going to find him on a chesterfield drinking hot cocoa with another woman while he is wearing no shoes. Absence makes the heart go wander, I say.
If you think about it properly, formerly little sis, you will realize that the moment you started having these pseudo-religious hallucinations about causing trees to fall, your boyfriend should have been right by your side, supporting you, and telling you that if you’re a freaking weirdo, then so is he. Your friend Eva, seems like a true friend to me. She is there to affirm your weirdness as normalcy. She won’t even comment on your cruelly misshapen feet. I think you have the potential to have as strong a relationship with her, as I have with my good friend Josef Weeder. Later on, when you have taken your boyfriend back from Becky and married him and had a baby with him, thanks to him misshandling his man birth control (“I didn’t know a condom with a hole in it was a problem. I thought it was self-sealing, like a car tire.”?) on your honeymoon thus forcing you to take a veterinary managerial position, instead of being able to travel farm-to-farm to stick your arm in as many cows as you want to help with their labour and delivery; you will find the unique comforts of Eva will get you through many a lonely circumstance. Cherish your friendship with her. Also, tell her to put on a bra.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:46 AM,
howard said…
April,
I don’t know what your brother is smoking, but my understanding is that for the TV gig, the TV peeps wanted a drummer who didn’t look like he was a drug user, like Becky’s regular drummer does (even thought he doesn’t). So Becky thought of Gerald, since he is so clean cut and nice-looking, and she was impressed with how well you guys did at the Gym-Jam. I’m not sure why neither Becky nor Gerald told you this; but I do know if you ask them, you should probably not use the word “treason.”
I would ask Becky for you, but this week after school, Becky is busy, busy, busy getting ready for that television gig that Gerald is in, in addition to having the Newlyfoobs reality TV people following her around while she is getting ready. I don’t expect to see her home until late every night this week, which is alright, so she won’t get in the way of my setting up the kitchen just the way I want it, while I am wearing a French maid’s outfit, for the Newlyfoobs reality TV people. I couldn’t get out of wearing it and I am getting really self-conscious about how my bottom looks with that ruffle on it and how many times they want me to bend over.
Howard Bunt
At 11:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I am most concerned. First of all, I am concerned that like you, Gerald did not tell me about the television appearance for money. Second of all, I am concerned about how your “friend” Eva seemed to wait to tell you this just when you happened to mention brother’s name to her. It seems a little calculated and planned to me. I already know that your “friend” Eva does not like my brother, so I suspect she is trying to paint him in the worst possible light. Third of all, I don’t know what your situation is with this Becky McGuire.
I asked my Jeremy-flower about you and her, and he said, “Honoria. It is so stupid, you really don’t want to know and I really don’t want to tell you.” I insisted, but my Jeremy flower would not relent. He said, “Imagine this, Honoria. Have you ever had a friend where you have a big, public, fake fight so people think you hate each other when you really don’t, because it’s something your mother wants?” I had to admit to Jeremy, it did seem a little silly to me. Jeremy assured me the whole story was even sillier and he refused to tell it because it would demean you. What’s the good of having a truth-telling boyfriend, if he refuses to say any truth? My old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam, would gossip about anyone, true or not. He was a joy to talk with.
When I asked other people at school, all they would tell me is that Becky McGuire used to be in your band until she decided to go solo without announcing it to you at your grade 8 grad, she is a roadside gig who lost her virginity in grade 8, but also is a popular pop star known to associate with drug-using band members and used to use my Jeremy flower as her sound and light man, until my Jeremy flower was using drugs and missed her concert date at the school last October. Hardly anything.
I had to ask my Jeremy flower about this missed concert and he said, “Honoria. If there was a story even stupider than April Patterson and Becky McGuire, this is it. I don’t do drugs and your brother likes to spread stories. That’s all you need to know.” I swear, dearest future sister, I was ready to maul him for such reticence. I grabbed him by the hand and gave him a fierce lady-like pinch and said, “Jeremy Jones. Unless you spill, we are through.”
Well, after he finished crying and cleaning up the blood he spilled from my lady-like pinch, he finally relented and told me the whole story from beginning to end. After I finished listening to it, I realized something rather crucial. My dearest future sister, you do not have the first idea how to seek revenge against an archenemy. I believe the problem is that you vacillate back and forth as to whether or not you dislike Becky McGuire or hate her. Jeremy pointed out that each time you had an issue with her, you came to a peaceful resolution, but the main issue never seems to be solved, because invariably you end up disliking her again, seemingly without provocation. If only I had been with you earlier, dearest future sister. The art of feminine revenge is so time-honoured and true at my old school of Cashworth, they give a class on it to the young ladies once they turn 12.
I am sure my brother is loyal to you, since he has professed many times how much he adores you. Now, if you decide you want to seek a more permanent way to channel your feelings toward Becky McGuire, you have but to ask, and I will help you create a most satisfying revenge. It will be a lot better than just whispering about someone when you walk by her in the mall or at school as I am told you do with your “friend” Eva. Let me know, dearest sister. All my resources are yours to command.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 11:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i can’t believe anothah girl i am d8in’ has cause me 2 bleed. honoria pinched the crap outa me & drew blood. u know, i’ll bet i am gonna have anothah freakin’ scar frum a gf. thass a bad sign.
by the way, wut iz the deal with ur left foot 2day? ur constantly digging @it w/ur left hand. do u have sum kinda itchy fungus?
oh, u wanna know sumthin’ funny? i think eva iz jealous of zandra larson in the shakespeare play & she’s tryin’ 2 compete. wen sum1 suddenly goes up a few cup sizes frum the last tyme u saw them, it’s kinda obvious. ‘course eva haz few more cup sizes 2 go 2 catch up 2 zandra, but it is so obvious wut she is tryin’ 2 do. i have this feelin’ eva’s titania in midsummer night’s dream is gonna go frum her usual cowgirl stuff 2 sumthin’ emphasizin’ a little more cow than girl. i can’t w8 4 rehearsals this afternoon.
At 11:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, Michael! Quit starin' at my boobs, hombré! You're giving me the creeps!
Eva Abuya
P.S. TREASON, April! TREASON!
At 11:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, I thought I should let you know that Dennis North, Axel Hibobbery, and I all received messages from the Johnston Institute indicating that we should all be "on call" until further notice. We're on high "Gerald may be unworthy" alert.
Let me know if you'd like to get together, to discuss your future as a veterinarian, or just to talk with someone who doesn't think you are weird.
Adam Gentlesse
Approved Potential Spouse for April Patterson
At 11:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy, not only do you need to stop starin' at my chest, man, stop calling my character in the play "TIT-ee-ahnna"--that is NOT how you are supposed to say it.
Eva
At 12:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, gah, the whole becky thing is pretty much as stoopid as jeremy sez it is. lemme put it this way. i keep thinking i've resolved thingz w/becks. we talk, we hug, i think we've made up. then i end up hearing this voice, kinda like the wizard of oz, saying stuff like "U STUPID, PRESUMPTUOUS TEENAGER! I AM NOT DONE WITH THE BECKY FUED YET! I STILL HAVE STORIES TO TELL ABOUT THE EVIL, AMBITIOUS REBECCAH! STEP OFF AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN OR IF YOU GET TO FORGIVE BECKY MCGUIRE!!!"
it's really frustr8ing, cuz i just wanna make up w/becks 4 realz and move on w/my life. but the witch of corbeil has a bug up her butt when it comes 2 becky.
apes
At 12:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
eva, i wud say i am sorry 4 starin' at ur chest, but i am not, cuz it wud b a lie. by the way, u prolly wanna stuff that stuff down a little further so it duzn't make u look so lopsided. i can help u w/that if u like.
At 12:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy flower,
Dearest Jeremy. I you touch that Eva Abuya's breast, you are going to be in big trouble. However, you have my permission to amuse yourself at their appearance all you want.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 12:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. If the Witch of Corbeil (or Wizard of Oz?) is controlling even this aspect of your life, simple girlhood revenge, then there would be no purpose in my helping you seek revenge. Once I have gotten revenge on a girl, if some voice told me that I wasn't done, a second time at revenge is just unnecessary cruelty and shifts the support of the people away from me and onto my revengee. Is this the reason why so many people were anxious to spread the story you were a roadside gig, even though you told them you weren't? However, if you gain independence over your life from this voice, I will glad to lend my support to your cause.
One other thing. There is a rumour about school you plan to break up with my brother. I hope it isn't true. I so look forward to having you as my future sister.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 2:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, it's kinda hard 2 tell what's gonna happ. another rumour being spread around school is that ger and becks r planning 2 go roadside 2gether. sum of the meaner kidz r saying ger is gonna have a gig w/a gig (meaning becky). other kids r saying that i'm a gig, 2, and THOSE kids r being like, "he's having a gig w/ANOTHER gig."
we go 2 a v. v. gossipy school, don't we?
apes
At 2:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ew, Jeremy man, if you try to "amuse yourself" in my presence, I swear I'm cuttin' it off!
Eva Abuya
At 3:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I must let you know that I went to my brother Gerald on your behalf and told him directly that he better not be having a gig with a gig, but only having a gig with another gig. He patted me on the head and said he would be sure to do that. Problem solved, dearest future sister.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 4:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno if ur havin' az much fun @doin' shakespeare as i am. 1st u prolly don't know where all the tire tracks came frum. i got zandra larson 2 bring her trained rabbit wilco ovah 2 the theatre, so he cud test drive my customized wheel chair 4 zandra 2 play a short puck, since zandra'z taller than most every1 in the show xxcept duncan. u may not remembah this, but wilco can drive a regular car & he drives like a maniac, so the test drive wuz rilly so he cud get his fast drivin' outa his system. i showed him & zandra how they wud b on the wheel chair & i sed 2 zandra, u prolly wanna get off 2 give wilco a chance 2 drive it w/o u so he can get accustomed 2 the controls. she wuzn't fast enuff gettin' off.
fortun8ly, wen she wuz thrown off of the wheelchair she landed in sumthin' nice & cushioned-- eva's breasts. no1 wuz injured, thankfully, xxcept 4 pride, but eva hadda ditch wutevah foam things she wuz using 2 make hers look bigger, cuz they were kinda imprinted with zandra's face & dental work. then we spent the next 30 minutes w8in' 4 wilco 2 get tired of drivin' the chair up the walls & doin' wheelies. he didn't get tired but the chair battery did. wilco seemed a little mad 'bout that.
i sed 2 wilco, u can't drive like that w/zandra in the chair. there's no guarantee sum1 w/a stuffed bra iz gonna b there 2 catch zandra next tyme. he still didn't seem happy & then i showed him hiz payment 4 good drivin'. it wuz Labyrinto de los novios season one on DVD. i sed u get season one now & season two wen the job is done. i haven't really seen a bunny smile since that tyme wen i wuz attacked by those electrified rodents, but wilco almost seemed 2 tear up, he wuz so smilin' & happ. zandra sed 2 me, "where did u get those, jeremy? i have been lookin' all ovah 4 them." i sed, "nevah underestim8 the connexions of the entertainment industry." needless 2 say, wilco cud not have been more perfect a driver aftah i replaced the wheelchair battery w/a fresh 1. he wuz evn using the proper hand signals w/his little paws.
honoria thot he wuz rilly cute & she wunted 2 pet him, but i warned her not 2 do that if she wunted 2 keep her fingers. 4tun8ly, honoria has learned 2 believe me. eva haz not & she prolly shudn't have called wilco "a regular kinda cute li'l ol' jackalope". i think she wuz kinda surprised 2 find herself pinned by wilco. it wuz not a good rehearsal 4 eva & az u know, there4 it wuz not a good rehearsal 4 duncan either. az 4 me, i wuz havin' a gr8 tyme.
i think honoria wud have liked it bettah 2, if she wuzn't so bizzy correctin' peeps, everytyme she heard sum1 talkin' 'bout her bro & u & rebeccah. she b-lieves in addressin' probs rite away, & i rilly like her 4 that, but she duzn't know wut our skool iz like 4 keepin' rumours goin'. i've hadda lissen 2 years & years of "germy wormy jeremy jones". i don't think honoria iz gonna win this battle, eh?
At 5:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, i know u were trying 2 help and all, but u accidentally told ger that instead of doing a gig w/BECKY, he needs 2 do a gig w/BECKY. that's y he patted u an' acted condescending.
jeremy, that rehearsal was totally off the hook. i feel lucky that i didn't get run over!
apes
At 5:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ow, ow, ow, man! OWWWWWW!!!!
Eva Abuya
At 7:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I am so sorry for what I told my brother Gerald I didn't know I was telling Gerald. I wonder if I am ever going to understand the unusual Milborough slang. My Jeremy flower told me the best way to understand it was to pretend I was an older woman out of touch with reality. I thought it was strange advice from my Jeremy, but oddly enough, it seemed to help. My Jeremy flower is so smart sometimes.
Don't worry, April. The next time I use language with my brother, I will use words I know he can understand and I can understand.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 8:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
it's ok, honoria. i know ppl talk weird around here. jeremy's advice is pretty good. it helps xxplain a lot of what happens around here.
apes
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