April's Real Blog

Saturday, May 26, 2007

My magical, quasi-religious thinking

After Mike went 2 help out Dad w/the tree on the TTH, I asked Eva 2 come by and hang. We were sitting on the pull-out bed in the rec room, eating Hot Spudz potato chips, and I sed, "I feel so guilty, Eva." Cuz my brain was still stuck on its "my fault b/cuz I wished" groove I shda outgrown when I turned seven. Eva had actually gone thru normal development on this one, so she was all, "April, U had nothing 2 do with a tree falling on a house yr parents bought." I pressed on w/the ol' abracadabra thinking, all "I didn't want them 2 move. I wanted my brother 2 move. I wanted 2 stay here... in my room, in my house. I put a curse on that place!" Eva dedpanned, "Really." And I went on w/"I prayed that sumthing wd happen 2 them here--and then the tree falls!" Eva was like, "Well, there's no such thing as curses, OK?" She prolly shda stopped there, but she went on w/"...It was an act of God." Now, I KNOW this is just, like, a rote phrase ppl use when they refer 2, like, natural disasters like hurricanes and tornadoes. They don't really mean, like, GOD did this. BUT the way my brain was [not] thinking, this wasn't the rite thing 2 say 2 me @ the mo. So I froze mid chip-chomp. I ended up getting over this, but @ the moment, I don't remember how long it took 4 me 2 come 2 my senses. Did it take so long that I'll B telling more abt this story on Monday? I don't know 4 sure, but I've got a bad, bad feeling.

Jeremy, thanx 4 the free Koolhaus tix 4 me an' Ger last nite. Sorry he whaled on U when he thot U and Honoria were, like "dirty dancing." He's so protective of his lil sis! Honoria, I know U R mad @ Ger rite now, but in a way, it's sweet. I can't imagine Mike ever caring enuf 2 get so protective! He's just all, "Fulfill yr Patterson destiny! Marry a childhood sweetheart! Don't B like Liz!"

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 8:22 AM  

17 Comments:

  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, becky told me u hit ur head wen u were helpin’ her & howard move stuff last nite, & knocked urself silly. she sed u were mumblin’ sum kinda weird stuff ‘bout prayin’ & cursin’ & gerald whalin’ on me cuz i wuz “dirty dancin’” w/honoria & it wuz all ur fault cuz u had prayed sumthin’ ‘bout me u wanted 2 happ 2 me. becky sed u came outa it in a few minutes all rite & didn’t even remembah u had hit ur head & she thot u were ok. i didn’t figger u wud think thass wut actually happed last nite till u rote it up in ur blog entry. sumtymez those dreams can seem awfully real.

    lemme set it 4u str8. last nite u were helpin’ howard & becky move. last nite @the koolhaus wuz mavado w/trinity chris. the show wuz 19+. u & ger & honoria weren’t there. 2nite iz an all ages show. it’s black rebel motorcycle club @10 pm & the cobbs r their warm-up @9 pm. honoria iz gonna b there & u sed u & ger were gonna b there & i’ll get u in. by the way, honoria & i don’t get 2 dance wen i am workin’ sound, cuz i am 2 bizzy workin’. most tymez, she sits b-side me & watches me work. she rilly gets n2 that 4 sum reasn. i only get 2 dance w/honoria if sum1 else iz workin’ az a dj.

    if u & ger r comin’ 2nite, honoria may dance w/her bro a little, 2 give ur feet a rest frum b-ing stomped on. but there iz no way gerald iz gonna start whalin’ on me @my job. the bouncers wud throw him out in a heartbeat. it wuz a dream, april. not real. i’ll cu 2nite, eh?

     

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am so sorry. I knew Becky and I should have taken you to a hospital to get your head checked out after you hit it when you were helping us move. You seemed alright. You said you felt alright. But I should have insisted. I want to thank you for all your help with us moving and for bringing over that bag of Hot Spudz to snack on. Listening to you and Becky tell all those dirty jokes using the words “Hot Spudz” instead of other words, was quite entertaining.

    I read what you reported your friend Eva saying about there was no such thing as curses, because it was an act of God. She may be right and she may be wrong. I remember from my days at the Milborough Training School for Boys, the priests taught us that only God can curse things, but curses were mentioned in the Bible at least 169 times usually coming from God. From a theological standpoint, if you prayed for something to happen and it did happen, it’s not your fault, but God’s, since God took the action. That’s what the priests at the Milborough Training School for Boys would tell you.

    In reality, some of the birch trees in the neighbourhood took some damage from the strange oval snowflakes we have in Milborough. Becky and I have a little birch in our yard which has some odd oval-shaped mottling in the bark, and I think that may be the real cause.

    Again, I apologize for not taking you to the hospital. I hope you are alright now.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I fail to see how my desire for you to fulfill your Patterson destiny and marry a childhood sweetheart is not the same as being protective. In fact, I consider the two thoughts to be equal, except that being protective covers more things than marrying a childhood sweetheart. For example, I had my lovely wife Deanna come over to help with the tree and not you, to protect you from the heavy physical labour to which your potato chip-strengthened body is not accustomed. I also told you to continue to sleep in the wreck room, instead of moving to Elizabeth’s old room, to protect you from having to deal with Elizabeth, whom I think is still there crying over Anthony Caine’s rejection. And when your friend Eva came over, obviously not wearing a brassiere, I told you to take her down to the wreck room, to protect you from having to answer questions from my children about your friend’s lack of bosomly support. If you think about it carefully, you will realize that I am a very protective older brother.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 2:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. I am so looking forward to being with you at the Koolhaus tonight with Gerald. I had so hoped you and I and Gerald and my Jeremy flower could double-date. Jeremy will be so busy with his sound and light work; he won’t get to spend too much time with us. Most times I just look over his shoulder and watch his hands twist knobs and move levers, and imagine those hands working over another subject close to my heart, if you know what I mean.

    I think a man who can handle technology is just the most, you know, entrancing. I could sit and watch him for days, but not tonight. I think when the band plays and you want to dance, dearest sister, you and Gerald and I should dance together as 3. That will put a little distance between us and Gerald’s feet. When I look at you and your somewhat oddly-shaped feet, which sometimes remind me of a duck’s bill, I think of the sacrifice you must have made having to dance with my brother all these years. The evening will go so much better if we spend our time enjoying the music and not crying out in foot pain. Don’t you agree?

    As for your “friend” Eva, I should pray for a curse on her, with her silly ideas. There are too certainly such things as curses. My old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam, told me about a curse on his family. Sometimes they are called the Damned van Daams, or is that Daamed van Daams? I can never keep it straight. Every generation in the van Daam family, someone dies from an unexplained accident. Bronson’s uncle Ronson, my Mater’s childhood sweetheart, died in a tragic tulip accident when he was still a teenager and was the latest victim. Bronson used to be afraid he would be next as the heir to the van Daam fortune, but fortunately he has lots of van Daam cousins, who could die just as easily. When your “friend” Eva, says there are no such things as curses, she doesn’t know what she is talking about.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 2:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, i m so embarrassed. i was unconscious a bit last nite, after hitting my head, and i guess i had a dream but it was so, so vivid, i really remembered it as real when i was writing this morning's entry! so, yeah, 2nite's when ger an' i will go 2 koolhaus 4 the all-ages show! thanx all the same, jeremy!

    mike, i mostly have the impression that u like me 2 b out of yr way as much as poss. unless u need me 2 babysit, that is. and then u want me 2 get yr kids out of yr way.

    honoria, i try not 2 believe in curses. wdn't bad luck b, like, a more comforting xxplanation 4 what has happed w/the van daam family? and if it is supposta b a curse, what was the reason 4 the curse supposta b?

    apes

     

  • At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Bad luck may happen only once or twice, but a curse is consistent. In the van Daam family, the story goes that years and years ago, Garrison van Daam wanted to marry a young lady of whom his mother did not approve, and a few days before the wedding was to take place, Garrison met with a tragic tulip accident. Since that time, every generation of van Daams has lost a van Daam to a tragic tulip accident. My former boyfriend Bronson van Daam, said some believed it was part of an effort on the tulip workers to demonstrate unsafe tulip-harvesting conditions, but Bronson assured me that after each death, the safety measures were double and triple-checked to make sure the same thing could not happen again. And yet, it always did. Within the van Daam family they believe it is a reminder from the ghost of Garrison van Daam, that a van Daam should never marry someone of whom their mother disapproves. That, dearest future sister, is a curse, and not just bad luck.

    This talk is so dark. I hope you aren’t going to be chatty about this subject when we are dancing tonight.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, honoria, we don't hafta talk abt this stuff 2nite. we can stick 2 more cheerful topix.

    apes

     

  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. If you are going to be talking about prayers and curses, I certainly would rather not be with you. Leave those kinds of discussions for your bra-less friends. As for baby-sitting, getting one’s children out of the way is the essence of it. That is what baby-sitting is, as you should already know.

    However, if you would like to speak to me about the dangers of sailing on windjammers or my novels or how terrible Portrait Magazine is after I left, I would be more than happy to have my formerly little sis around. We could have some great conversations on those subjects. By the way, do you know anything about home repair? I could use a helper, and Deanna has already told me I can’t use my children.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Excellent. I am so looking forward to being with you tonight. I have to go extra early, because my Jeremy flower has to set up and I love to watch him work. We can talk about where we are going to shop together and gossip about people at school. Gerald may be bored with all the girl talk, but I can hardly wait.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Miss April Patterson,

    Although it is tempting to use your powers to get what you want with your parents, you should use your powers for good. If you turn to the ways of good, then you can join others like me trying to right the wrongs perpetuated by evil people around the world. I think you and Miss Abuya would make an excellent team, much like my best friend and crime-fighting companion, Lothar, and I are. You could be the Caucasian with powers and Miss Abuya could be your African-American muscle. You could become a female Mandrake and Miss Abuya a female Lothar. I think you could call yourselves Miss Mandrake and Miss Lothar. I see much potential in you.

    The times in this world are dark, and we need more people on the side of good. Consider well.

    Mandrake the Magician

     

  • At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mandrake the Magician. My family has told me stories about you at the dinner table. But there's no way I can be April's "African-American muscle," since I am biracial and Canadian.

    However, April, maybe we should give the superhero-duo idea some thought. Fighting evil rocks, man!

    Eva

     

  • At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Don’t listen to that wimp Mandrake or your friend Eva. A woman with the power to make things happen, needs to use her powers to get what she wants. Fighting crime can be so boring.

    You should enjoy your music and enjoy your man and use your powers to make sure both your music and your man know they’ve been enjoyed. My boyfriend is Geoff. He had a crazy idea he was going to spend his life as a church organist and live in small community. My powers changed all that. Of course, his congregation thought he was dead, but that’s a whole different story. Now my man accompanies me, and it’s all thanks to using my powers.

    The point is, you have powers. You don’t need to be afraid to use them. Let the falling tree be a starting point for a glorious future.

    Love,
    Drusilla

     

  • At 5:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Drusilla is right about some thing she says. I use my powers all the time to get dates. If I see a guy I like, a little zapping demonstration is all I need to get him to ask me out. Finding him for a second date is a problem, but I am great at getting first dates. Unfortunately, you need those second dates to get a husband. I haven’t had a husband since my ex, Attila the Hun. I even tried joining the United States Marine Corps, because I thought I was sure to find a husband with all those tough men. I was discharged after two days for unnecessary roughness.

    If you could say a prayer I would get a husband, I would appreciate it. And so would my neighbors, Irwin and Nerwin Troll, Gaylord Buzzard, and Grelber; but I don’t really care what Grelber thinks.

    Broom-Hilda

     

  • At 6:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am so glad there is another teenager with powers who goes to normal mortal school. I thought I was the only one. I have my cousins Ambrose, Esmeralda, and Amanda and they have powers too, but they don’t go to Riverdale High School with me; but they do show up from time to time to make trouble for me.

    Does your boyfriend know you have powers? I tried to keep it a secret from my boyfriend, Harvey Kinkle, but he figured it out on his own. I think he got changed into something one too many times for the “erase memory” spell to work.

    My Harvey is really cute though, even if he doesn’t have powers. Maybe we could double-date. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend who had powers like me. How does that praying thing work? Is it like casting a spell? Some spells are easy, but some are hard and I get them mixed up, like making popcorn start popping and it won’t stop until it’s filled the room. Embarassing.

    Making a tree fall on a house is a pretty good spell or curse or prayer (whatever), and I am sure you did it when no one was in the house to get hurt.

    Let me know if you want to hang out together.

    Love,
    Sabrina Spellman

     

  • At 8:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i think there's sum misunderstanding going on here! i really don't think i have powers. this thinking that i caused the tree 2 fall, it came over me 4 a while, but it's passed and i've come around 2 the idea that i had nothing 2 do w/it.

    neway, ger an' i r on r way 2 koolhaus. we're both pretty jazzed abt spending time 2gether, even tho i'm not 100% sure how i feel abt him rite now.

    apes

     

  • At 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Miss April Patterson,

    Secret identities are very important for some super-heroes. Lothar and I have never used them, but I understand the necessity. Your secret is safe with us. If a Miss Mandrake and Miss Lothar appear on the superhero scene, you will have nothing but support from Mandrake the Magician. Lothar said he wouldn’t talk either.

    Magically yours,
    Mandrake the Magician

     

  • At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I understand you are in power denial. I know just what you are going through. When my aunts Hilda and Zelda told me I was a witch, I didn’t believe them either. You’ll get through it, April. I did, and I couldn’t be happier. When you come to accept your abilities, I would still love for you and me and my boyfriend Harvey and your boyfriend to double-date.

    Sabrina Spellman

     

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