Getting a H8 On
I can B such a petty, petty girl sumtymez. The day after Eva told me abt Ger having that gig w/Becky's band, where he'll get $150 an' B on TV, I was sitting next 2 Eva on the bus, being all, "I wanna know what's going on w/Becky an' Gerald, Eva." So I sed, "I'm gonna talk 2 them!" No, w8, of course I didn't say that. I'm a friggin' Patterson. I had 2 sit there and whine 2 Eva instead of going 2 the source[s]. So Eva sed, "I told U all I know.... Her drummer isn't available 4 this thing she's doing @ the mall, so she asked Gerald 2 fill in." And I went, "Hmph. So, he's gonna slither over 2 'the other side.'" The other side? What is my problem? And Eva was all, "It's just a telethon, April. It's not like she asked him 2 go on the road." And I closed my eyez, all smug Patterson, and sed, "Oh, I'd ask him 2 go on the road, alright." Then I half-opened my smug Patterson eyez and sed, "Then...I'd stomp all over him." Eva went in2 silhouette and laffed like an enabler.
OMG, I wish I cd get a grip on myself. I wish the stoopid Witch of Corbeil weren't obsessed with having me h8 on Becky and demand all my friends and associates 2 h8 on her or B considered disloyal. OMG, I don't h8 Becky, I won't h8 Ger 4 associ8ing w/her. What I h8? BEING APRIL PATTERSON.
Xxcuse me while I go mope 4 no good reason.
Apes
OMG, I wish I cd get a grip on myself. I wish the stoopid Witch of Corbeil weren't obsessed with having me h8 on Becky and demand all my friends and associates 2 h8 on her or B considered disloyal. OMG, I don't h8 Becky, I won't h8 Ger 4 associ8ing w/her. What I h8? BEING APRIL PATTERSON.
Xxcuse me while I go mope 4 no good reason.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:12 AM
16 Comments:
At 9:02 AM,
April Patterson said…
all hail queen april! yr queen will accept nothing but complete fealty! i will crush the homes of my enemies by dropping trees with my prayers! i will stomp on my enemies in the road!
oh, shut up, shut up, shut up! get a grip on yrself!
OW!
i just slapped myself.
OW!
i did it again.
cuz i'd rather stay here
w/all the madmen
than perish w/the sadmen roaming free
an' i'd rather play here
w/all the madmen
4 i'm quite content
they're all as sane as me
apes
At 11:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
yo peeps,
last nite, after the newlyfoobs crew went home, ger wuz 2 afraid 2 go back 2 his house. i wuz like, "what's the prob?" an' ger sed "i got a txt frum luis who herd frum dunc @ band practice that eva im'ed him an' sed april wants 2 throw me down in the street an' run me over." i wuz like, "omg! u can stay here if u want 2 2nite." an' ger wuz like, "thanx becky, u r a true friend," an' we hugged, which was sooper nice, but i noticed that ger wuz all sweaty, an' i sed, "y don't u take a shower in my bathroom?" so we went up 2 my master suite an' i w8ed while ger took a shower.
well by the time ger came out all clean an' nice w/ a towel around his waist, i wuz in my baby doll pjs watching the tv. weird thing is, l8ly the cable has gone all wonky an' the only shows i get r shows i never herd of b4, like manstealer, heartless slut, an' villainous pop star. they're all produced by corbeil inc. weird.
neway, back 2 ger in his towel. howie wuz downstairs washing ger's clothes so ger hopped on the bed w/ me 2 watch manstealer an' he started squirming around. i wuz like, "what's up?" an' he sed, "my whole back aches. im not used 2 this handyman stuff." an' i wuz like, "y don't u lay down on my big, fluffy, silk-sheeted bed, an' i'll walk on ur back?" an' ger wuz like, "seriously?" an' i sed, "of course. i'm petite an' i have teeny feet like the ladies in the orient. howie taught me," which is kind of a lie, but i did read about it in 1 of howie's books.
neway, while i wuz walking on ger's back, he wuz moaning in pleasure an' stuff. when i wuz done, ger sed, "becky, that wuz awesum! it wuz way better then when april stomps on me." an' i wuz like, "wtf?" an' ger sed, "when april gets mad at me, she throws me down in the middle of sharon park drive and stomps on me w/ her hiking boots. the last time, i almost got run over by her dad in his crevasse." i told ger not 2 worry, that me an' howie would protect him frum here on out.
becks
At 1:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, my sweet gerald, it was that one time, and i was so, so sorry! i didn't know what came over me, stomping like that, it was just terrible! i never, ever wanted 2 hurt.....
shut up, u little wimp! he DESERVED 2 b stomped on! he sed that traitor becky was PRETTY and TALENTED! u don't speak that way abt the queen's enemies without suffering consequences...
u shut up, u psycho! becky IS pretty and talented. and she's not a traitor she just.......
STOP making xxcuses, u nicey-nicey namby-pamby! u r so weak!!!
OW!
stop that!
OW!
u stop!
apes
At 1:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I am quite alarmed at the things you are writing. I can understand why you are mad at brother. If you're a member of a band and you get asked to fill in for a performance by an ex-band member, you should at least let the other members know beforehand and find out if any of them has a problem with it and deal with any hard feelings in advance, especially if one of the band members is your girlfriend. Making you learn about it third-hand through Eva Abuya, is ungentlemanly, and leaves you vulnerable to the way Miss Abuya may interpret it (although it seems like she acquitted herself nicely). I think Gerald has made a mistake here, and he needs to apologize, and I have told him so. All Gerald would tell me was that I didn’t understand what was going on, and needed to mind my own business. You just don’t get taken seriously when you are the youngest, as you well know.
Also, dearest future sister, I am worried this incident seems to have awakened in you a second personality who has a trampling fetish. Thanks to Pater being a psychologist, I am quite aware of all the fetishes. Pater has a great illustrated poster in his office with all of them on there. Normally, I would say you need to visit Pater immediately to deal with your issues, but I must confess that with my brother Gerald the object of your trampling fetish desires, Pater would not be the best choice. Pater loses all objectivity when it comes to brother.
I think you need help. I asked my Jeremy flower what we could do, and he said, “Honoria. This is between April, Gerald, and Becky and it’s been coming ever since they started that band together 4 years ago. Stay out of the way and April will return to normal after it’s all over.” Sometimes my Jeremy flower is completely useless. My old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam, would have called in the van Damm family psychologist and some strongmen the van Daam uses and solved the problem right away. When there is a crisis like this, I wish my Jeremy flower was more van Daam-like.
Oh, dearest future sister. I don’t know what to do and I fear for what you may do next. I want you to know that it is still my dearest and fondest hope that you and brother will stay together, so we can become like real sisters.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 2:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i saw u b-ing taken 2 the nurse’s office aftah u hit urself more often than is usual 4 sum1 takin’ english. sum peeps do it 2 try 2 stay awake, but i think u musta passed sum kinda threshold 4 the teach. u looked kinda beat up, but i figger u wud prolly look worse if u had ne kinda arm strength or were coordin8ed enuff not 2 try 2 hit urself & then miss. i wud offer 2 help out, but i remembah the last tyme u got n2 one of thoze “i h8 becky, i h8 myself” moods, it wuz a lot bettah 4 me in particular 2 keep my distance 2 avoid my scarrin’ & bloodshed.
At 2:31 PM,
howard said…
April,
The things your boyfriend will say to get sympathy. I don’t believe you would actually stomp anyone, no matter how mad you got at them. Your sister, Elizabeth, is a completely different story. She is known for her violence to men and cats and small children and probably a whole lot of other things, I don’t know about. As much as this story about Gerald playing for a telethon with Becky goes, you should try to remember this phrase and perhaps repeat it to yourself as a mantra:
I am not my sister.
That way if you are tempted to turn this whole situation with Becky and Gerald into one of your sister’s “another boyfriend is cheating on me” scenarios, then you can repeat the mantra and calm down. Unlike your sister, you have not spent your life running away from or torturing your boyfriend. Rest assured, Becky is not going roadside with Gerald under my watch. And neither am I, no matter how good he looks, in case you were worried about that.
Besides, I am a much better back-walker than Becky. She may be petite and have tiny feet, but I have technique, which I would gladly demonstrate to Gerald if he would let me near his tightly-muscled back. Of course, from what you have been writing, you may be better served by my back walking than Gerald. Let me know,
Howard Bunt
At 2:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I have a mad scene planned for my upcoming novel Breaking the Windjammer, where the hero Leonard Driscoll gets left on a desert island with no food and water and starts to hallucinate things. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind if I lifted some of the things you have been writing today for my novel, so I could get the air of realism from someone going crazy. Also, could you explain what, “Oh, I'd ask him to go on the road, alright. Then...I'd stomp all over him." means?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, u r rite! i've never stomped on ger. my mind, it's in such a weird st8 2day, it seemz i'm susceptible 2 false memories. omg, i hafta get 2 a safe place. what shd i do, where shd i go?
mike, i have no idea.
apes
At 2:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest estranged girlfriend flower,
I am fairly certain you have stomped me at least once. Unless you are alleging that I too have false memory syndrome. I'm not sure that sort of thing is contagious. It would almost have to be deliberately done by someone with access to an evil neurosurgeon. I can't think of any such person, can you?
Anyway, I am safely away from your split-personality. Becky and I have been lying in her bed all day, watching Villainous Pop Star. It's a really excellent show. The main character is a pretty blonde girl named Bunny, and she has a mousy brunette friend named June who is incredibly jealous of her. June and Bunny are fighting over a boy named Geraldo. It's really funny!
Cordially, Gerald
At 5:42 PM,
howard said…
April,
I cannot recommend you come here, even though I had set up an April room, because Gerald is here enjoying Villainous Pop Star with Becky. I can see its appeal. There was a rather extensive scene with the two main characters Bunny and June getting into a catfight complete with cat background sounds, while the object of their love, the boy Geraldo, sprays them with water from a hose, supposedly in an effort to stop the fight, but you know the real reason.
I should mention that during the course of this battle, Bunny and June occasional stop fighting to make up, usually after June has decked Bunny to the ground and she feels sorry for her. After they kiss and make up, with an emphasis on the kissing part, usually Bunny turns around to leave and as soon as her back is turned June attacks her again. This sequence repeats over and over again, and I find it frankly, quite tedious, since it shows little character development, but seems to be derived solely from the idea that certain persons watching the show want to see the 2 leads kiss, makeup, and fight again and again.
It’s boring to me, but Gerald is riveted, and Becky has declared several times it seems true-to-life to her. The Newlyfoobs people also very interested for some reason, and they are lingering around Becky and Gerald watching the show, as if they are expecting something to happen. They are noticeably irritated when I come in to where Becky and Gerald are and start making small talk, or bring in snacks.
I cannot recommend you go to your sister, since she encourages mental instability. How about next door with Connie Poirier? Oftentimes she corrects your mother’s wrongheaded thinking. Maybe she can do the same for you.
Howard Bunt
At 5:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
yo peeps,
ger an' i got tired of villainous pop star. we dcided 2 watch sumthing nicer, so we picked heartless slut. it's awesum. it's basically about this girl, ravennah, who is a babe. she has a ugly friend named augusta an' augusta has a totally hawt bf named giblet. in episode 14, ravennah tries 2 seduce giblet by giving him a massage.
well, ger saw that epi an' sed, "no way would giblet fall 4 that," an' i wuz like, "yo, a woman running her hands all over a man is guaranteed 2 make him cheat," an' ger sed, "i'd never cheat," an' i sed, "u'd fall 4 that massage trick like a ton of bricks," an' ger sed, "no i wouldn't," an' i sed, "wanna bet?" an' so ger took off all his clothes an' i massaged him.
ger started making all these sounds like, "oh...oh god...oh, oh yes...yes yes...i mean, that feels acceptable...oh...oh...oh no, oh god, oh god...i mean, i feel fine, just fi...iiiii....iiiiiiine...oh yes, yes, yes, becky, yes yes, you are a goddess, oh god, oh yes, becky, becky, fu--"
just then, howie burst in the room. i will let him tell the rest.
becks
At 6:06 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i took yr advice and i m next door @ connie's having dinner now. she does have a v. calming effect, even tho she has a manly jawline.
ger, i dunno. mayB thinking i had a false memory was the false memory. or mayB there WAS an evil neurologist. i don't know WHAT @ this pt.
apes
At 6:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I just wanted to assure you that if, indeed, there WAS an evil neurologist who implanted a false memory in the brains of both your and your paramour Gerald, that this most certainly was NOT the work of our neurologists here at the Neurology Division of the Johnston Institute of Better Living. This is NOT the sort of thing we get involved in.
Now, remember to take out your cards and play solitaire.
Vashti Pictogram, MD
Head Neurologist
Neurology Division
Johnston Institute for Better Living
At 6:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, glad ur ovah @connie’s. thass prolly the best place 2b. i gotta say that wuz an innerestin’ shakespeare rehearsal 2day, wen u volunteered 2 take ovah both hermia & helena, cuz both the girls who play the parts were sick, especially w/those little changes u made 2 the script. if u don’t know wut i am talkin’ ‘bout, lemme give u an example:
HERMIA
I stomp upon him, yet he loves me still.
HELENA
O that your stomps would teach me roadside skills!
HERMIA
I give him curses, yet he gives me love.
HELENA
O that my prayers could such birch trees move!
HERMIA
The more I hate, the more he follows me.
HELENA
The more I love, the more he hateth me.
HERMIA
The telethon, Helena, is no fault of mine.
HELENA
None, but your beauty and talent: would that fault were mine!
u did both parts w/such enthusiasm, the director wuz rilly mpressed, i think he wud get u2 play both parts, if u cud stick 2 the actual lines. i thot u were gr8, even if u were kinda scary.
At 6:49 PM,
howard said…
April,
My side of the story, per Becky’s request.
I was cooking dinner, as I usually do, and then I overheard Becky and Gerald talking about massaging giblets. Well, I tried to ignore the conversation because, as you know from our cooking lessons months ago, you can massage the meat from poultry to tenderize it, but it is completely unnecessary to massage the giblets. If the bird is to be stuffed, the giblets are traditionally chopped and added to the stuffing. If not, they can be used for other purposes, such as giblet pie. Or if you are just using the liver, then you have liver-specific recipes, such as pâté or yakitori. There simply is no need to massage the giblets.
Well, I could hear Becky and Gerald arguing the point, and Becky clearly seemed to be winning because Gerald started agreeing with her about everything she said with a loud and very audible, “Oh yes, yes, yes, Becky, yes yes” and that sort of thing. Finally, I could take no more of it and I burst into the room where they were watching television and said, “You don’t massage the giblet!!”
Needless to say I was quite surprised at the sight I saw and it appeared I was just in time to prevent Becky from massaging places she should not be massaging. My outburst caused her to pull her hands back and she said, “OK. Howie. You don’t need to get so excited.” Of course Gerald was confused and said, “Giblet? Is that a new slang term? I can’t keep up. I’m still trying to figure out what ‘go on the road’ really means. I think it means ‘public streetside urination’, but I’m not sure. I know I would never urinate on the street, and expose my giblet in public.”
I was furious with Becky and I made her come to the kitchen with me and chop vegetables for dinner, which we are now eating, with everyone fully dressed, and nobody’s hands are not where they should not be.
Howard Bunt
At 7:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey! HEY!!!!! gerald, did u cheat on me?!?!?!?!
o, w8, i have a txt from liz:
"gerald = cheater. dump! april = victim"
omg, advice fr. liz. i'm not supposta follow it, rite?
apes
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