April's Real Blog

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Crabby no matter what

So, Mom's been packing up 4 the big move, which is pretty boring, but I was bored enuf recently 2 go up 2 her all, "Y R U packing now? U're not moving until the end of the month!" Notice I didn't say "We're not moving until the end of the month." Does that make U think I'm not moving? Mostly, I did that 2 C if Mom was paying attention, and she failed, cuz she just went all, "I like 2 B organized, April. I h8 doing things @ the last minute. If U w8 until the last minute, U get all flustered and crabby and tempers FLY!" That's when Dad came in all "Elly? U haven't C'n my spare glasses have U?" He was holding the ear piece of his glasses in 1 hand and the rest of the glasses in the other. Mom went all "snort" and "grumble" with assorted star, swirlie, Saturn, and #-sign symbols, 2, while digging thru her "Bedroom misc." box. Boring, eh? I was so bored, I'd dressed in a flourescent-lime t-shirt w/a square lavender neckline, purple pants, and belt in the same lavender shade as my neckline. My shirt showed just a hint of midriff. No1 really noticed all that, tho.


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  • At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You say that no one really noticed your clothes. That certainly isn’t true. My lovely wife, Deanna, was beaming the whole time you were wearing that outfit. She said to me, “Look, Mike. April’s wearing one of the outfits I picked out for her when we went shopping together. She’s finally wearing high fashion, instead of dressing frumpy like her mother or her sister. Your little sister is finally growing up. She’s so good with our kids. Once we get Elly and John out of the house, I just know our garden will be the best in the neighbourhood, and our house will be so clean---thanks to April.”

    So, formerly little sis, even if mom and dad didn’t notice you, Deanna certainly did.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger howard said…


    It is certainly important to be packed early, so I agree in part with your mother. However, spare glasses are usually a delicate item, and so I would have packed them in with other fragiles had I been the packer and not your mother. Just to let you know, if you came to my house wearing the outfit you described, I would be forced to take you “mercy shopping” out of sheer pity.

    Over at our house, I had to restrain the reality TV show people from Newlyfoobs because they were interfering with Becky and her study group preparing for the exams. They were trying to add things to what people are doing to make it more interesting to them. Becky and the group have pretty much been living here all weekend and it certainly is an interesting mix of people. Gerald is part of the group, just so you hear it from me and not third hand through Eva through one of her friends.

    The rest of the study group are nerdy girls, who are excellent in their studies. There’s Marcie, and Bernice Halper, and . If you are worried that Gerald might be a romantic target for these girls, fear not. Marcie talks about her love interest Chuck. Bernice has a thing for some guy named Ben. Velma seems to be interested in a guy named Patrick, who was in a movie with her. The Newlyfoobs people all wanted them to wear teddies and study in provocative poses. I got them to back off. It’s more important that Becky is ready for her exams than for these girls to be scantily-clad on camera. You will glad to know Gerald agrees with me. He said, “I don’t want to see any more skin on these girls than just their hands and faces and even that’s a little too much.”

    That’s what’s going on here. I would recommend you come over and study too, except I doubt you would want to study in the same group as Becky and Gerald.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    4get it, mike i m not gonna b yr gardener/housekeeper/nanny. i'm moving w/mom and dad, then in august i'll b going 2 the farm in manitoba.

    howard, i wd so luv it if u cd take me clothes shopping sumday. u have such gr8 taste! but meanwhile, i hafta study. i m @ dunc's house. josh the geek god is here w/us, and so is salem drewson.

  • At 11:12 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, salem drewson. u haven’t talked ‘bout her & her navel jewels in years. back wen i wuz 13, she had the most xxpensive midriff in skool.

    u won’t b-lieve it, but i got a study group 2 & it’s kinda strange how i got it. eva abuya came ovah 2 my house last nite, so she cud punch me out & honoria wuz there & the next thing u know, eva iz in a study group w/me. it took honoria a little talkin’ 2 get eva outa her bad mood ‘bout duncan, but honoria got her talkin’. honoria talked ‘bout how she heard frum u that eva’s going 2 a camp az the arts & crafts counselor this summer while duncan's going 2 barbados w/his parents. honoria sed it might be a good tyme 4 eva 2 expand her horizons.

    eva laffed awhile ‘bout the camp as the arts & crafts counselor cuz she sez ne1 who haz paid ne attention 2 her character ovah the last year wud realize that doin’ arts & crafts 4 little kids iz so not her. i kinda got the impression thass not rilly wut the camp is abt, but eva wudn’t tell us wut it wuz cuz it wuz sum secret. but she agreed she wud be bizzy there & not w/duncan, & mebbe it wuz tyme 4 a short break.

    then u know thoze friends of eva’s who told her ‘bout gerald & becky doin’ the telethon 2gethah? well they came ovah next. it wuz kinda strange 2 think eva had friends outside of u, but she duz. eva sez they r her friends she can talk 2 ‘bout stuff othah than the band or peeps in the band. mom came in 1 tyme & sed, “jeremy. ru havin’ sum kinda african-canadian girl convention in our house?” then eva hadda xxplain she wuz the only african-canadian, cuz the othah girls were all frum south american countries. mom wuz a little confused. she sed, “well i learned sumthin’ 2day. i nevah knew so many peeps frum south american countries were black.” eva xxplained it wuz a well-known fact that there wuz a large black, south american immigrant population in mboro & there had been 4 years.

    so we have a study group. if wanna meet eva’s othah friends, u cud come ovah i guess. altho i think eva believes ur in the pro-duncan camp, cuz ur “studyin’ w/him, az she puts it w/her finger quotes. if u decide 2 come ovah, i am sure honoria will make sure u don’t get punched out.

  • At 11:24 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I keep getting mixed signals from mom and dad and Deanna and even from you about your move. Until I see you packing a box or actually moving, I am skeptical about anything you may say. However, I have heard from Auntie Bev, you plan to spend some more time with my luscious cousin Laura in August and I heartily approve, particularly if you take pictures of Laura in her underwear for mom to put on her website, like last summer. This year, if you could get Laura to move the laundry basket out of the way for a better picture, I know I would appreciate it.

    As for gardener, housekeeper, nanny; I don’t see why you are having a problem. You told Deanna you were looking for any way to make more money so you could get a car, and we’re just trying to help. Do you want a car or not? You know you’re not going to get one from the money you make from working at Lilliput’s because mom makes you put most of that money into your university fund. If you are just complaining to complain, then that’s alright. That’s a Patterson family tradition, and is quite understandable and I encourage it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:28 AM, Blogger howard said…


    If you show up at my house wearing the outfit you described today, we will be going shopping regardless of your study schedule. In fact, the nerdy girls who are here right now are on the verge of being kidnapped for a shopping trip; but I am trying to restrain myself for the sake of Becky's exams. I think I need to put on some thick sunglasses.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:54 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the offer, jeremy, but josh has cre8ed the most awesum study modules on his laptop, and this is turning in2, like, the best study sesh ever!

    i mite come by l8er, but we totally hafta drop this "pro-Dunc" or "anti-Dunc" camp thing. can't we all just get along?


  • At 11:55 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, if i decide not 2 stop by @ jeremy's house after this studying sesh, i mite come by yr place in my outfit so i can get a shopping trip w/u!


  • At 4:36 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno if have noticed or not, but i have been anti-duncan, evah since he stole eva frum me & thass evn tho i am d8ing honoria delaney-forsythe now. it’s the principle of it. once sum1 haz done sumthin’ bad 2u, u remembah it 4evah. u taught me that.

    i wud think u wud know how that is since becky stole gerald frum u. ru, like, sayin’ u wanna b friends w/becky & gerald now, or ru still, like, not talkin’ 2 them? so, like if gerald & becky broke up, wud u take gerald back or wud u stomp on him like u sed b4? u know u wudn’t take him back, aftah wut they sed they did 2gethah.

    ‘course u mite b sayin’ since duncan & eva r not talkin’ 2 each othah, that they are dunzo & i shudn’t be anti-duncan. but if u listened 2 eva talk, she sez they r just on a break& duncan’s not smart enuff 2 pick a gf on his own. frum wut i have seen of duncan, eva’s completely right. there’s no way he can resist her & her smirks.

    neway, i’m not done b-ing anti-dunc. he nevah apologizez 4 stealing eva away frum me. all he duz is say he nevah stole her & i know thass not true. eva & her friends will prolly b back pro-duncan aftah summer. the real question is whether u can drop the “pro-gerald” or “anti-gerald” camp thing.

  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i 4gave u 4 trying 2 kill me by running me down on yr bike, so mayB u never learned from me @ all, eh?

    dunc and eva both say that her breaking off w/u had nuthing 2 do w/dunc, so is it that imposs 2 believe that this is true?

    i'm still not sure what's gonna happ w/ger. i sed sum stuff where i thot i MITE have broken up w/him, and then next thing i knew, becky and ger were both saying they'd totally gone "roadside" 2gether. then I starting c-ing axel hibobbery, who is so kewl and passionate and never makes me feel like i'm "frigid" or sum kinda freak or whatevs, and it's been cube!

    otoh, howard has hinted that what becky and ger sed was just, like, the reality-show fictional version of what happed, and that nuthing really happed @ all.

    and after all that, mayB ger and i rn't broken up. mayB we're just in a fite an' mayB we'll make up.

    meanwhile, i'm not b-ing "pro-ger" or "anti-ger" or "pro-becky" or "anti-becky"; i'm being "pro-april" and "pro-axel" tho.


  • At 5:40 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    If you want to blame someone, Jeremy, blame the Witch of Corbeil. Do you remember when she erased me? Of course you do, because for a while you were the only one who could see, hear, and remember me. And you helped me become corporeal again. I'll never forget that and I'll always be grateful. I did NOT want to break up w/you.

    The Witch of Corbeil had me summoned to the Johnston Institute. She told me that the only reason she allowed me to exist was that she thought I'd be perfect for Duncan. She said that if I didn't dump you and start working on seducing Duncan, she'd erase me again. And she said that if she erased me again, she'd make it permanent, and that "no Jeremy Jones or anyone else would be able to unerase [me]." She also said, "Why do you think no one remembers that John had a brother, who made a funny speech at John and Elly Patterson's wedding? Why, he tried to take too much of his life, and I couldn't allow that!"

    Well, I got scared. Really scared. I know what that woman can do. So, don't blame Duncan.


  • At 7:44 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, my gf honoria sez i shud take the high road & not b anti-ne1. she sez if sum1 decides 2 swirlie me while singing “germy wormy jeremy jones” i shud not think bad ‘bout the person who rote the song, but the person who’s givin’ me the swirlie. she sez wen i look @the scarz duncan’s cat left on my body wen he sent his big crayzee cat aftah me, i shud not think bad ‘bout the person who owned the cat, but feel sorry 4 a poor dumb, ill-used animal w/razor-sharp claws. she sez all thoze tymes aftah eva wuz w/dunc & they usedta lock lips wen i wuz walkin’ by them, i shud ignore. & the comments guys in skool made ‘bout how duncan is a bigger man than i am, i shud ignore them 2. & wen gerald spread the rumour ‘bout how it wuz my fault rebecca messed up @the gym-jam, i shud ignore them 2. i am gonna be an ignorant guy, but i guess thass nothin’ new.

    eva’s @my house 4 the study group, so she told me the stuff she rote ‘bout her meetin’w/the witch in person (she ‘rote it out mainly 4u 2 read) & also apologized 4 sharin’ my measurements w/the skool, which i appreci8ed, evn tho her friends made sum comments ‘bout how it wuz obvious i wuzn’t black. honoria sed she wuz sure i made up 4 my whiteness, w/technique. i dunno if eva wud agree w/that but @least she didn’t giggle 2 much wen honoria sed that.

    ‘course then honoria sed sumthin’ ‘bout me having a trust fund, &that changed the whole mood of things. not so much eva, but her friends seemed 2b rilly innerested in that & they asked me a lotta questionz, i cudn’t answer, cuz i didn’t know. howevah, honoria popped open her purse & pulled out a whole lotta deets on my life & it wuz kinda scary how much she knew. she knew stuff ‘bout me i didn’t know. the next tyme i have a question ‘bout myself, i’m gonna ask honoria.

    i’m anti-anti-ne1, thanx 2 her.

  • At 12:19 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Ha ha, I get another week, bet you're mad about that, you have to talk about me for a whole nother week, ha ha ha ha ha!

    Well, the wedding was on Saturday, I didn't want to tell you about that before, I wanted to save it and surprise you about getting at least one more week to make you talk about me on your blog, but it was Saturday.

    Although I was really looking forward to making you talk about me a lot, the wedding started off really boring, Shawna-Marie's mom yelled at us to hustle, which I thought was rude, I was busy helping with the flowers, all the rose petals kept falling off the petals in the centerpieces and Dawn and me had to glue the petals all back on, it was taking forever, and an accident with the Krazy Glue made one of the flowers stick to the front of my dress, it was almost a disaster, until Dawn suggested that all the bridesmaids glue a flower between their bosoms, which for some reason everyone seemed to like this idea, even though it was ugly, and it means we can never wear these dresses again, because of the big glue stain between our bosoms.

    Anyway, Shawna-Marie's mom kept yapping out orders, it was so annoying, so I decided my big helpful gesture would be to bolster Shawna-Marie's self-esteem, frankly, I have never seen her look so plain as she did in her wedding dress, I think it was because she wore her hair pulled back tightly, no makeup, and a white dress that only had little spaghetti straps, she frankly looked like your friend Duncan Anderson in a dress, but I remembered my vow to be helpful, and I told her she looked beautiful and I asked her how she was holding up, after all, it can't be easy to have all your roses falling apart and also look like a man on your wedding day, and also, the dress was pretty ugly, it was all wrinkly up top, I can't remember the name for that look, but anyway, it made her look fat, and I knew she must be crushed.

    But Shawna-Marie said she was holding up fine, which I was suprised but pleased to hear, but then strangely she tried to lift up her dress and show me her underwear, I just laughed at what a big hick she is, and did my job as bridesmaid and kept her from lifting up her dress on the front steps of the church or hall or wherever we were at that point, I was kind of high from the glue fumes.



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