Shawna-Marie's Wedding Rehearsal
Another comment from Liz, posted last nite:
Edit: Whoops, I just found out it's the other way around. Maid of honour is @ the end of the line, rite B4 the bride. Sorry abt yr rank, Liz!
Apes
April,Hey, Liz, it must B nice 2 C Dawn after all this time. How's she doing? And R U the maid of honour? U mentioned 2 me that Shawna-Marie had U in the front of the line of bridesmaids. Poor Shawna-Marie, even her own mother uses that "Quebecois Hillbilly" moniker on her. Tho I noticed that 4 sum reason Mom got Steph 2 take the reference 2 Shawna-Marie being Argentine out of her profile on Mom's website. Weird, she did the same thing 4 Beatrice Alfarero's profile. Now Bea just has "a colourful past." I wonder what's up w/that. Oh, well, never mind.
I know you will be sorry to hear that just as I thought my seduction of Candace was working out, I remembered I was supposed to be at Shawna-Marie's wedding rehersal, sheesh, brides can be so demanding, anyway, I asked Candace if she wanted to go to the rehersal as my date, but of course she had to act like she's all allergic to weddings, of course that will change if I decide she is The One and that we are going to get married, ha!
Anyway, at the rehersal, Shawna-Marie had the traditional fight with her mother, which of course I approve of, upholding tradition is important, but of course Shawna-Marie was in the wrong, she wanted to go down the aisle to some pop love song, you know, Mom is always quick to call Shawna-Marie "that Quebecois hillbilly" and even though I usually defend Shawna-Marie, Mom is right, walking down the aisle to a pop song is pretty white trashy, which is funny because Shawna-Marie isn't white, but I guess if you grow up in Milborough you are pretty white bread even if you're "colored in with the brown crayon," which before you get pissy, I understand is the most up-to-date PC term for being black, at least according to the Milborough Town Bylaws, anyhow, like I was saying, Shawna-Marie was trying to choose between two modern songs, and they weren't even good ones, you know, I favor music that goes BOOM THWACKA WHACKA BOOM and "wrap" music, but Shawna-Marie, being a hillbilly, likes country music, which will make her wedding totally lame if she uses it, well, Shawna-Marie's mom started yelling, something about love and weddings not going together, and I looked at Dawn and we rolled our eyes, because we totally know how ridiculous Shawna-Marie is being, weddings are about TRADITION and PLEASING YOUR MOTHER, after all. Cheeze.
Liz
Edit: Whoops, I just found out it's the other way around. Maid of honour is @ the end of the line, rite B4 the bride. Sorry abt yr rank, Liz!
Apes
Labels: Candace, Liz, Shawna-Marie
posted by April Patterson @ 6:29 AM
8 Comments:
At 3:54 PM,
howard said…
April,
I understand the frustration associated with picking just the right music for a wedding. For Becky’s and my wedding, we both have strong musical backgrounds and it will definitely be a part of the wedding, although it would extremely foolish not to have agreed on the wedding procession music before the rehearsal, and wasting rehearsal time to argue about such a thing is waste of everyone’s time. Becky’s and my wedding is still a little time off, and I have fortunately convinced her that the bride and groom should not sing to each other as they go down the aisle. Becky’s mother Krystle convinced her it would be romantic. I assured Becky that it most assuredly would not, except for people who raise pigs in their house.
I have enjoyed talking to my new friends, Alyssa and Jen, who are the other bridesmaids for Shawna-Marie Verano and who stand behind your sister and Dawn Enjo in the bridal line. They came over to the house last night for the supper, I had promised them for helping me do table decorations for my wedding.
Alyssa said, “Howard you would not believe that wedding rehearsal. It was so disorganized. We all stood around while Shawna-Marie’s mother kept barking orders to us so fast, there was no way we were going to be able to do them.” Jen said, “Right. I was like, Shawna-Marie, I can’t move that fast. Didn’t we just practice this?” Alyssa said, “The whole time Shawna-Marie was standing behind us saying things like, ‘Ignore my mom. Do it the way we just did it.’” I said, “So Shawna-Marie’s mom was just standing in front of people telling people what to do, one thing right after another with no gaps.” Alyssa said, “That’s right, Howard. Plus she got it all wrong. The flower girl and ring bearer go first, and the groomsmen line up with the bridesmaids. I think we girls got it straightened out, but there’s no telling if her mother confused the boys or not.”
Jen said, “Then Shawna-Marie had enough of it and started this argument with her mother about the music.” Alyssa said, “Please. Like it’s not already in the programme. I don’t know what she was thinking. You’re a musician, Howard. If you were doing a wedding, would you be able to switch from a classical song to a pop song at the last minute?” I said, “If it was a song I knew, perhaps; but I would protest from a moral standpoint.”
Jen said, “Shawna-Marie was going a little crazy. She knows her mother considers a wedding ceremony to be a sacred event, in other words no secular songs.” Alyssa said, “Jen and I grabbed her and put a programme in front of her face and reminded her what was there to kind of get her thinking clearly again. It’s not like Dawn and Elizabeth were any help.” Jen said, “You’re right about that. All they did was roll their eyes, and nudge each other with their elbows, and Elizabeth kept on saying something about ‘that Quebecois hillbilly’.” I said, “Quebecois hillbilly?” Alyssa said, “Exactly. I had always thought Shawna-Marie’s family was one of the extremely rare Afro-Argentinians who immigrated to Canada.” Jen said, “I wonder if Elizabeth knows something we don’t.” Then we all had a good laugh about that one.
Howard Bunt
At 4:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. I feel it is my duty to remind you that although a fight with a mother at a wedding is an important tradition, it is also important to realize which mother is the one with whom you should be fighting. In other words, not our mom. It will be your mother-in-law, Mrs. Caine or, if you are successful in seducing Candace Halloran, Mrs. Halloran. Since Mrs. Halloran is known for being a cheap slut who goes through boyfriends like some people go through poutine, I am sure you will not find it difficult to fight with her.
Mrs. Caine would be much more difficult, since she has proved to be a ready baby-sitter to Anthony Caine’s half-Quebecoise child in the past, and I am sure that April will be much too busy baby-sitting for Deanna and me, and weeding and upkeeping our garden, and cleaning our house, and rubbing Deanna’s feet; to be able to do any baby-sitting for you.
As for wedding procession music, I can tell that mom will not approve of your BOOM THWACKA WHACKA BOOM music, so you might want to consider something with a melody. Deanna and I used a combination of several Bobby Curtola songs, instead of the polkas Mira Sobinski wanted, which made it even more pleasing for my lovely Deanna. I think everyone at our wedding appreciated our music selection, except for those renegades who kept whispering to me, “Bobby Curtola sucks.” You might want to think about not inviting Uncle Phil and Aunt Georgia to your wedding, if you want to avoid those kinds of confrontations.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i keep 4gettin’. duz ur sister like shawna-marie or h8 her? i think i saw shawna-marie in mboro 2day. did she have a lotta work done? it seemed like almost everythin’ ‘bout her wuz diff frum the last tyme i saw her. it looked kinda like nancy woods had wandered ovah frum riverdale high school w/a new hairstyle, but it wuzn't. 'course sum peeps think u had work done 4 ur 16th b-day, so who knows?
At 7:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, when i get married, i think i'll have a jazz band playing original compositions.
jeremy, i asked liz yr question abt whether she likes shawna-marie. she was all, "april, that's a ridiculous question. if i didn't like shawna-marie, i wdn't b a bridesmaid in her wedding!" i was, like, "but u seem 2 b mocking her every chance u get." liz was like, "that's not mocking, it's good, clean gossip!"
apes
At 8:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, doin’ sound 4 interpol @the koolhaus 2nite. it’s 19+, so i can’t get u in. good 2 know ur sis duzn’t h8 shawna-marie, but i kinda wondah wut she duz 2 peeps she duz h8.
At 8:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, what liz does 2 peeps she doesn't like--i don't even wanna think abt it!!!
apes
At 8:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, oh thass rite. i remembah, she usedta beat u up, wen u were little. sorry 2 bring it up!
At 5:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I can't sleep so I will tell you what happened next at the rehersal, even though it is totally boring and predictable, of course Dawn came over near me so I took the opportunity to tell her a treasured Patterson family anecdote about Mike and Dee's wedding, everyone loves Patterson family anecdotes, or sane people at least, but Dawn has clearly lost it, because she interrupted to tell me about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and how it was all hassles, or something like that, I wasn't really listening too close, then Dawn said that Shawna-Marie gave up and let her mom do whatever, which sounds pretty normal to me, but I could tell Dawn didn't think so, so I said, "Whoa, haven't the bride and groom made ANY decisions on their own?" which I thought sounded pretty good, a Patterson does not like to miss an opportunity to be judgmental like this, and Dawn said yeah, they are moving away after the wedding, which just shows Shawna-Marie is plain ol' stupid--who would move away from her Mommy and Milborough?!?, crazy people, that's who, Shawna-Marie has clearly lost it.
Liz
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