Moving from Milborough and Mommies
Liz posted sum more early this morning:
Apes
April,Well, I think getting far away from Mboro and Mom sounds gr8, but I know Liz already thinx I'm crayzee, eh? I wonder where Shawna-Marie an' her new hubby wanna go?
I can't sleep so I will tell you what happened next at the rehersal, even though it is totally boring and predictable, of course Dawn came over near me so I took the opportunity to tell her a treasured Patterson family anecdote about Mike and Dee's wedding, everyone loves Patterson family anecdotes, or sane people at least, but Dawn has clearly lost it, because she interrupted to tell me about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and how it was all hassles, or something like that, I wasn't really listening too close, then Dawn said that Shawna-Marie gave up and let her mom do whatever, which sounds pretty normal to me, but I could tell Dawn didn't think so, so I said, "Whoa, haven't the bride and groom made ANY decisions on their own?" which I thought sounded pretty good, a Patterson does not like to miss an opportunity to be judgmental like this, and Dawn said yeah, they are moving away after the wedding, which just shows Shawna-Marie is plain ol' stupid--who would move away from her Mommy and Milborough?!?, crazy people, that's who, Shawna-Marie has clearly lost it.
Liz
Apes
Labels: Dawn, Liz, Mom, Shawna-Marie
posted by April Patterson @ 6:28 AM
13 Comments:
At 12:20 PM,
duncan anderson said…
PARTEE PARTEE PARTEE 2NITE @ THE ABUYAS!!!
L8R.
MCDUNC
p.s. Apes, I invited Zed & Bambi but I sorta 4got 2 tell Eva. Im not going 2 tell her now cos mayb they wont show.
At 2:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. It’s too bad Liz was not able to recount the entire episode having to do with my 2 weddings and the constant interference of Mira Sobinski. Sometimes when it comes to reminiscing, I have this feeling that I will do a better job of it; so when someone fails to do it properly, as Elizabeth did, I don’t feel that badly.
Compared to what Elizabeth has mentioned that Dawn Enjo mentioned about Shawna-Marie Verano’s mother, Mira Sobinski is a clear winner when it comes to hassling the bride. It’s one thing to complain about the standard items like the dress, music, food, and location. Any mother of the bride can do that. But Mira questioned the sexual orientation of the florist and my groomsman Lawrence Poirier. And then she went crazy over the fact my sister (not you, the Lizardbreath) came to the wedding without her live-in boyfriend. I remember her ranting about that. Until Shawna-Marie’s mother moves into those kind of complaints, then she is just a standard mother of the bride for Milborough, except Shawna-Marie doesn’t have our mom for her mother-in-law, who did not do a single thing wrong during my fake wedding and more than once, saved our fake wedding from Mira. What a woman!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
Happy dappy Friday to everyone! I was reading Elizabeth's recount of her friend's rehearsal wedding rehearsal, and while I can agree that Shawna-Marie's mother is being a big old buttinsky, I most indeedily understand her dislike of popular music. Such salacious songs don't belong in a house of worship or Christian reception! I suppose I could make an exception for the likes of Stryper, Petra, Michael W. Smith and Jars of Clay. Those tunesmiths glorify the Lord and get my feet a-tappin. I can most certainly tell you, weddings at my church are a lot of fun. We put the "fun" in fundamentalism!
Toodilydoodily,
Ned
At 3:26 PM,
howard said…
April,
Normally I don’t agree with anything your sister says, and certainly this occasion is one of those times. As my new friends, and Shawna-Marie’s bridesmaids Alyssa and Jen have confided to me, Shawna-Marie’s wedding is to take place under a big circus tent, and after the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner was a sandwich buffet under the same tent. If this is the kind of thing Shawna-Marie’s mother was insisting on, then I completely understand why she might want to move after the wedding, if for no other reason than to remove herself from all this bad taste.
Although your sister’s friend, Dawn Enjo, made it sound like the bride and groom planned to move from Milborough as a means of seeking revenge against her mother controlling the wedding, Alyssa and Jen informed me that Shawna-Marie is not that cruel, and suggested that Dawn may have been making some kind of joke your sister might like. Since I have been on the receiving side of vengeance from your sister before, I think they may not be too far from the truth. When you get right down to it, people don’t normally quit their jobs and move from a town just to make a point with their mom. Well, your sister-in-law did and so did her sister, but I don’t consider them to be normal.
My rehearsal dinner with Becky will be a small, intimate party at the restaurant La Crème de la Crème de Milborough, because the chef there is the only decent chef in all of Milborough. Becky thinks there are other good chefs, but at least she agrees that the chef at La Crème de la Crème de Milborough is good. In those environs, people will be able to converse with each other without having to use a sound system or deal with insects flying around their food before they get that far in the buffet, or crack open soda cans over other people’s hands while they are getting food, or to stand by the table and put food directly in their mouths without politely filling their plates first, as Alyssa and Jan informed me was a regular practice by your manners-impaired sister.
Not only that, but a smaller room will prevent Becky’s father from being inclined to challenge anyone to an axe-throwing contest. If we were outside under a circus tent, then axes would be hurled and I just know someone would get hurt, maimed or killed. I will not have blood and death at my wedding, if I can avoid it.
Howard Bunt
At 3:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, normally i wud not go 2 a party where i hafta b there w/duncan & eva (cuz of wut they did 2 me, az u know), but the possibility of duncan gettin’ his butt kicked by eva, zandra larson, & this girl bambi soundz 2 gud 2 miss, particularly if they used their fists or sum fryin’ panz. my gf, honoria iz not that innerested in c-ing girl-on-duncan violence, but she found out eva abuya isn't on ur side ‘bout the gerald thing, like she usedta b & she’z heard the abuya house iz huge & she wunts 2c it. so, we’ll prolly b there. wen thoze girlz start beatin’ up duncan, i’m gonna get sum pics.
At 8:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, oh. i think thass gonna leave a mark. i'm gettin' gr8 pix. wutya think, april? duz duncan needta go 2 hospital, or shud we let him keep on runnin' 'round tryin' 2 escape? my vote is "keep on runnin'".
At 9:51 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG APES I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE ZENOBIA & ZAPATA & KIMMI & THAT CRAZEE CHICK EVAH R ALL GOING 2 KILL ME IF THEY DONT KILL EACH OTHAH 1ST. MEET ME BHIND
At 10:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, my gf honoria sez duncan appears 2 have amazin' stamina. i think she'z talkin' 'bout his ability 2 run. it certainly izn't 'bout his ability 2 hide, which i gotta say, stinks. the last place he tried wuz behind the...u know wut. i hope he haz sum strong soap @home. honoria wunts me 2 ask u if duncan has a trust fund, prolly 2c if he haz enuff money 2 pay 4 his reconstructive surgery if thoze girlz catch him.
At 10:32 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN Y DIDNT ZED & BAMBI SHOW UP 2 STOP THE CRAZEES? APES, PLZ PLZ PLZ CALL HOWIE OR MY 'RENTS. KIMMIS TACKLED ME 2X, I THINK SHE BROKE MY U NO WUT.
At 10:34 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG EVAHS GOT A
At 11:31 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am at the hospital with your friend Duncan. He appreciates you calling me, although by the time I got there it was too late. The doctors have informed him that the glue used is not toxic, and have given him a strong warning about Milborough women and their tendency to dominate their men and children, particularly when it comes to wedding preparation. I’m inclined to believe them, because while we were sitting in the emergency room waiting area, a Mr. Verano, came in with a big gash on his head, and he simply told the nurse “upcoming wedding” and they all gave him knowing looks.
After treating Duncan’s scrapes and bruises on his more private areas, the doctor told Duncan he has a choice. He can either lose a good chunk of his hair to have it removed or he can simply be known as the boy with the permanent Nigeria beaded headdress until his hair grows long enough to cut it off more easily. The doctors won’t do it, but they recommended he go to Sugar’s Salon, where I used to work, to get it cut off. Duncan is thinking about having it done, or moving. He has mentioned turning 16 and having you as his roommate several times.
I’m going to take him home as soon as the doctors release him. That’s the status.
Howard Bunt
At 11:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry, dunc didn't actually get hurt, just passed out cuz kimmi lasalle sumhow got one of thorvald mcguire's (becky's dad) axes an' was brandishing it @ dunc. fortch, howard got here just in the nick of time, and kimmi's in custody again. good times, eh?
apes
At 1:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Well here is the big surprise to culmination "my week," I think I met my future husband at the rehearsal, whew, it is such a huge relief to know I won't have to be a spinster or a lesbian with a turkey baster, I can't tell you how good it feels to know I will be able to hold up tradition and make Mom happy, whew, I was really starting to worry I wouldn't get a husband (the man kind).
Liz
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