The Day After

Well. The Day has passed. But, U know, it'll take me days and days 2 tell U abt it, and I can't even get up 2 the actual vows 2day!

While walking Nizzie down the aisle, Dad was thinking, "::sniff:: It's Elizabeth's wedding day... And I have 2 keep reminding myself.... that I'm not losing a daughter... ...I'm gaining an accountant." Har dee har.

Once he's delivered Liz 2 the Antman's side, the officiant will B all, "Elizabeth and Anthony, 2day yr firends and families R here 2 witness yr marriage, yr lifetime commitment 2 one another." Kinda like Anthony's lifetime commitment 2 Thérèse 5 yrs B4, eh? Then, he'll continue: "They will hear the vows U R soon 2 make. They will share w/U this joyous and solemn occasion and will B there 2 guide and support U...."

Anthony and Liz will look @ ea other sideways while the officiant goes, "Knowing that marriage is one of the most important obligations that NE 2 ppl will ever swear 2 uphold." Yeah, Anthony has sum xxperience swearing 2 uphold that obligation. 2 Thérèse.

Weed gestured for me 2 step away from the bridesmaid line a bit so he cd snap a pic of me w/Mom and Dad as the officiant went, "Marriage is a challenge, but so too... It is love. Marriage is patience and giving and caring and faith. It is honesty and openness and thoughtfulness and truth..." Yeah, unless U marry Thérèse? Then officiant-guy went on, "In that yr understanding of one another will lead 2 a gr8er understanding of yrself."

Weed went 2 the front and took a crowd shot while the officiant sed this: "Marriage is friendship and respect. It's the willingness to accept yr partner's qualities and differences, weak and strong." Unless yr partner is Thérèse, rite, Ant? Officiant went, "It is a promise made... And a lasting, successful, caring marriage is a promise kept... Again and again and again." @ that moment, Anthony and Liz shared a thought bubble of "I promise." Mom and Dad also thought, "I promise," only they had individual his-and-hers thought bubbles.

While that last bit was going on, I cd swear I cd hear people snf-snf-snffing, cutting sumthing out, and putting sumthing on their fridge doors. I have a feeling a bunch of those ppl will show up @ Lilliput's 2morrow 2 have coffee w/Mom and tell her how they had tears in their eyes cuz Lizzie's wedding reminds them of [their own/their kid's/their other relative's] wedding, and blahblahblah shoot-me-now.

Apes

Holding on tight

Well, the day is here. This will B my last premonition B4 I can start telling U abt stuff that already happened. Tho U know it'll take me prolly all of next wk 2 tell U the rest abt 2day.

Robin will B rite @ the front, as ring bearer, w/Francie and Merrie standing side-by-side behind him, all ready 2 do their flower-girls stuff. When the music starts, Robin will just stand there like a deer in headlights, so I'll hafta step out of line 2 go up 2 him, put a hand on his shoulder, and say, "U're the leader Robin. Go ahead, now... the music has started." The rest of the line-up behind us will be Dawn, then Shawna-Marie, then Candace, and finally Liz and Dad.

As Liz and Dad R starting down the aisle, Liz will B like, "This is it, Pop. We're on our way." And Dad will go, "Hold on tight." While Dee squints @ them from the bride's side of the seats, Liz will tell Dad, "Don't worry. I can do this. I'm totally calm." And Dad will B all, "I know... that's Y I want U 2 hold on tight!!" Yeah, whatever.

I was sure I'd wake up 2day being able 2 tell U abt Liz and Antman xxchanging their vows, but all I've got is this? Oh, well. Gotta get started. I guess Connie's prolly helping Mom get dressed rite abt now. And I hear Dad calling 4 me 2 help him w/his tux. Man, w/all those premonitions I've had, 2day is gonna B full of déjà vu 4 me!

Apes

It was a cliffhanger 2 nothing

Wow we're 2 days away from the debacle wedding. I woke up knowing some more abt what will happen. It looks like Liz's big "STOP" outburst I told U abt yesterday won't lead 2 NEthing substantial stopping. The limo will pull up 2 the park, and we'll all get out.

So, rite after our big disembark, Dawn will B helping Liz adjust her train as Liz thought-bubbles, "Don't B nervous, don't B nervous, calm... B calm..." And Dad will geet her w/"Hi, honey! --Are U nervous?" Then we will all go in2 the rarely seen white silhouette, and sum1 will B saying, "The bride and F.O.B. R here, bridesmaids, here, flower girls and ring bearer..."

Robin will interrupt whoever it is who'll say that, w/"When can I have the ring?" Liz will bend slightly @ the waist and tell him, "Not until the procession starts, Robin. We don't want U 2 lose it. --So, for now, it's safely in yr grandfather's pocket." And Dad, w/his hands in his pockets, will go, "AAAHH!!?" Acting like he doesn't have the ring. Liz will B so terrified that she'll bare her lower teeth. Candace will pop her mouth open. Robin will B button-nosed and gobsmacked. Shawna-Marie will B in white silhouette. Francie will apparently B on a potty break, so Dawn will B playing her role, crouching down so she's only one entire head taller than Robin and looking close-eyed and concerned.

Then Dad will pull the ring case outta his pocket and go "Just kidding!" Dawn will have anticipated sumthing like this, as she'll have had time 2 resume portraying herself and run around the other side, so she'll B behind Dad and pretending she's abt 2 strangle him." Liz will clench her entire face, Merrie will just look a bit bug-eyed, Robin will LOL, and the rest of us will B in silhouette.

OK, I'm confused. "Ring"? As in just one ring? Is Liz the only one who'll wear a ring in this marriage? Shouldn't there B 2? Or will sum1 other than the ringbearer have the other ring?

Apes

Cliffhanger?

Sum more I woke up knowing abt Liz's wedding day, which is now three days away: Merrie will go, "Is this a real limousine? The kind movie stars use?" Really, Merrie, not even six years old, and THAT'S what U're gonna ask? Then Francie will B all, "How long B4 we get 2 the park?" And Robin will ask, "Will there B lotsa ppl?" And Merrie will wanna know, "Can we ride this 2 the reception?" And sitting next 2 Liz, I'll B sharing her POV, which will B that w/Francie and Robin squished 2gether on one side of the limo (Liz's left), and Merrie on the other (w/Candace and Dawn directly across fr us), it will seem like a teeny-tiny interrogation panel, as all these question will B directed @ Liz.

Then they'll switch off 2 sumthing else. Francie will B like, "My dad is gonna marry yr auntie, so that makes us stousins!" And Robin will go, "Stousins?" Francie will say, "Step-cousins! 'Stousins.'" OK, obviously, this will come from a grown-up telling her this. Even a 3yo w/"advanced verbal skills" won't come up w/that on her own. The only question is, "Which grown-up put that idea in her head?" My guess is Anthony. Wouldn't most normal grown-ups tell a little 3yo girl in this sitch that her new stepmother's niece and nephew were gonna B her cousins, and just leave out all that "step" stuff? That just seems nicer, don't U think?

Well, NEway, after Francie sez that abt "stousins," I guess sumthing will click off in Robin's brain, cuz then he'll B all, "Stousins! Stuzzins! Stooba gooba stubba nubba stousa loosa steeba deeba."

Suddenly, Liz will emit a huge, "STOP!" And this will cause Francie 2 B all, "Erp?" And Robin will B like, "Oop!" And a huge shadow will completely conceal Shawna-Marie, so U can't even C her silhouette. And I don't know whether Liz's outburst will just B Liz freaking out abt stopping Robin's chatter, or sumthing bigger like "Stop the wedding." The bigness of the "STOP!" has me thinking it's sumthing more than "Robin, stop being annoying," tho that cd B part of it. Like mayB it will dawn on Liz that there is no way she is ready 2 B a stepmother.

But I guess there's a gd chance that'll all come 2 nothing. Guess I'll know more 2morrow. Sorry abt the cliffhanger.

Apes

Smooth Ride/Lobotomized Bride

So again I woke up knowing sum more abt what will happen on Liz's wedding day, which is now 5 days away. It will B time 4 the bridal party 2 pile in2 the limo, and so sum1 will B all, "The limousine is here, ladies!" As Liz climbs in2 that thing as tho she's climbing up a mountain, sum1 behind her will B like, "R U OK, Liz?" And Liz will B all, "I think so--I'm trying not 2 step on my dress!" Dawn will say, "Let me help U!" Shawna-Marie will say, "Don't mess her hair!" Candace will B all, "Who's got the bouquet?" And Meredith will ask, "When can I get in?"

Once every1's inside, it'll B Liz between me and Shawna-Marie, and @ the other (front) end of the limo will Be Merrie, Dawn, Candace, Francie and Robin. Candace will tell the driver, "Ready!!" Dawn will B in silhouette 2 Candace's rite when she sez that."

Then, once the limo gets moving, I'll tell Liz, "Well, Sis... we're rolling!" I'll B one of those dorks who actually calls her sister "Sis." ::puke:: And Liz will say, "And I think it's going 2 B a smooth ride." And Candace will B in silhouette, Merrie will have a wary look in her eye, Dawn will B unseen, except mayB by wary Merrie, and, inexplicably, Francie and Robin will laff like Liz's joke is funnier than Mr. Noodle doing something v. v. silly on the "Elmo's World" part of Sesame Street.

And apparently, Mom will have followed Uncle Phil's orders not 2 tell the bride (or probably NE1 else in the bridal party) abt Gramps and the heart attack.

Apes

P.S. Dunc, don't feel bad abt spilling the news that I'll get that super-early acceptance 2 Guelph. If Mom didn't want me 2 know, she shdn't have bragged 2 my mom. Tho, in my favour, I noticed that Guelph seems a bit farther away than Burlington. And my fam is always saying that Burlington (which is where Mira and Wilf Sobinski, Dee's parents, live) is waaaaaay 2 far 2 visit. So I guess that will make Guelph uncommutable so I will HAVE 2 live in the dorms! Ha, logic! :)

Giggly-girl bridesmaids

I woke up knowing sum more abt Liz's wedding day, which is eight days away (23 August). Candace will suddenly B acting all giggly and girly, telling Liz, "Lemme fix yr veil, Liz! --U look amazing!" And Shawna-Marie will go, "U need sum more blush!" While applying more blush w/sumthing that looks more like a rubber stamper, Shawna-Marie will say, "This is so cool. U were a bridesmaid at Dawn's and my weddings..." And Dawn will finish w/"And now we're bridesmaids @ yrs." In case U R confused w/how Shawna-Marie will word that, they each had one wedding.

Then here's where Candace's weird girlyness will really come out. Standing behind and slitely 2 the side of Liz, she'll put one hand by the left side of Liz's neck, the other on Liz's rite shoulder, and as Liz looks terrified, she will say, "Let's make a pact, girls. We R gonna B friends 4ever, OK? No matter what happens...." And then the 4 of them will go in2 silhouette and chant, "Friends 4ever! 4ever! 4ever!!!" It'll almost seem like they R trying 2 cast a spell. Does NE1 know if this is how 27-yr-old women normally talk? This seems much younger. Like mayB sumthing U promise yr friends when U all finish middle school. Plus, is Candace even friends w/Dawn and Shawna?

NEway, after that weird chanting, Liz will B all, "But 1st... Let's make it thru 2day!"

And that's all I know from waking up this morning. I wonder why Candace will act so unCandacelike. That kinda disturbs me.

Apes

Liz will B off the hook 4 "repaying"

I woke up 2day knowing a bit more of what will happen on 23 August, the day Lizzie marries the Ant. Weed will B @ the TTH, where Liz and the bridal party will B gathered. And Carleen, still, like I mentioned yesterday. Weed will B taking pics, and he'll B all, "Now, a few shots of the bride getting ready! ...Look a bit frazzled, OK?" And Liz will B like, "I don't have 2 act, Jo!" "Jo"? Doesn't NE1 but me call him "Weed" NEmore?

Next, Carleen will B standing behind Liz fussing with the veil, and Weed will go, "Turn around, Carleen! We need the hair stylist in here!" If U R thinking, "When did Carleen, who is Weed's photography assistant and biz manager, become a hair stylist," I can't say I blame U! I think what's gonna happen is that when Mom finds out that my hairdresser, Sugar Van Rensselaer, is unwilling 2 don8 her services 4 free, she'll have a fit. And sumhow, sum1 will end up suggesting that Carleen knows how 2 do hair. How does she know how 2 do hair? I dunno (yet). MayB we'll find out, and mayB we won't. This is all pretty chaotic and confusing, I know!

So, where was I? Oh, rite! After Weed snaps his "hair stylist" pic, Carleen will tell Liz, "When he's done, U're going 2 have the most incredible album, Liz. He's up 4 another award, U know." And Liz will go, "Yes. I know." R U thinking that a bunch of the wedding-prep conversations R going 2 have a feel of establishing how well various ppl we know R doing in life? Same here! After Liz's line I just told U abt, Candace will B fussing w/Liz's bustle for sum reason (this doesn't seem v. Candace-like, but neither does being a bridesmaid in a strapless lavendar gown, so there U go). Liz will touch a hand 2 Carleen and go, "So many ppl R doing so much 4 me! U're making this day the most amazing day of my life!!"

Then, there will B this weird moment where Liz seems 2 B addressing an unseen TV camera, w/Candace standing just behind her rite side, clutching her rite shoulder, Dawn doing a left-shoulder clutch on the other side, then me behind Candace and Shawna-Marie behind Dawrn, clutching Dawn's left shoulder and kinda snuggling up 2 her. Liz will go, "What can I do 2 repay every1? I will B abt 2 say that thanking ppl wd B a v. v. good start, but B4 I have a chance, Candace will blurt, "Just enjoy it, girl!" And Dawn will go, "Yeah! ...This is our day 2!" Rite, cuz every1 is just so privileged 2 bask in the glow of a Pattercaine wedding, eh?

NEway, I guess I'll know sum more 2morrow. Or mayB sum1 else will wake up knowing sum stuff, like Mike did Wednesday.

Apes

Cuz Liz, she's freaky!

After my stop @ Lakeshore Landscaping, I brought Liz the catalogues, saying, "Lawrence let me borrow sum catalogues, Liz!" She sed, "Gr8!" And we sat @ the kitchen table. While Liz went thru one of the catalogues, I sed, "He sed 2 choose what U wanted and he'll take care of the rest." Liz went, "He and Nick R so generous."

Then, I did that annoying ticking-off-fingers-to-count-items gesture while saying, "So... U're wearing 'Grandma's' dress, the flowers will B taken care of, the bridesmaids R organized, the place is booked and we've talked 2 the caterers. ....What wd U like 2 freak out abt next?!!" Liz did a heavy-lidded stink-eye look, but I think that mite actually have been cuz she hadn't had time 2 think of what she wanted 2 freak out abt next. Liz needs 2 mull things over a lot.

Apes

Bridal Checklist Meeting

So, Liz called a special wedding-planning meeting yesterday. It was me, Liz, Mom, Dawn Enjo, Shawna-Marie Verano [or her new name], and Dee. I had the strange impression we were only having this meeting so that ppl who only pay attention 2 us once a week wd know that wedding planning was happening. 'Course those ppl also prolly think Liz and the Ant have been engaged since they had their stupid "checklist" d8 last summer. Oh, and Liz liked that whole "checklist" thing so much, she made us use that approach 4 our dumb meeting.

First, Dawn went over a list of stuff I had 2 say "check" abt. "Bridesmaids gifts?" "Check." "Groomsman's gifts?" "Check." No one went in2 how Jeremy and I had 2 go 2 every vendor in Mboro 2 beg them 2 don8 free gifts, of course. NEway, next, it was my turn 2 say a bunch of stuff Mom had 2 say "check" abt: "Corsages? Roses? Music? Limo? And photographer." "Check. Check. Check. Check. Check." Sum1, I'm not sure who, went "This list is dun, then?" And Mom thot-bubbled "Cheque!!!" and held up her finger like she was motioning 4 a waitress. Even tho we weren't in a restaurant. MayB she was mentally correcting Anthony, since @ the end of that "checklist" d8 I just referred back 2, he asked his waiter 4 the "check" instead of the "cheque." That's considered v. gauche in Canada.

NEway, Dawn referred 2 another list and went, "OK, we have the chair covers, table cloths, napkins and place cards." Mom sed, "The place cards we ordered R not available." Y wd that only come out then, after the order was made? Next, Shawna-Marie piped up, referring 2 a list of her own: "Lawrence will B delivering all the flowers in the morning xxcept 4 the bouquets, which will B picked up @ noon." Dee looked over her shoulder, as tho she cdn't trust Shawna-Marie 2 tell us what was really on that list.

Mom asked, "What abt the dinner?" Yeah, of course she did. Dawn replied, "We decided on the entrée, rite?" And Mom jumped back in w/"And the cake will B individually wrapped and available at either end of the head table." Huh?

Shawna-Marie checked her list again and sed, "Music will B live during the ceremony and the dinner, but we have a DJ for the..." Dawn interrupted that w/"W8! The guy we hired can't come!" Then Liz stood up and went, "They've asked us 2 move the ceremony away from the fountain. ....It's being repaired." Mom went, "What?!!"

Dee referred 2 her own list and went, "My mom can't find the fabric she wants 4 the flower girl dresses, and suggests we change the colo[u]r scheme from teal and lavendar, 2 rose and powder blue." Huh, I was surprised 2 learn that NE1 asked Mira 2 B involved, and that she agreed. NEway, as we continued 2 check over stuff, I had a feeling that Mom was thot-bubbling something about "No wonder ppl cry @ weddings.... They're so happy 2 have them over with!!" Yuh. Nice sentiment, Moms.

Jeremy, it was v. nice of U 2 do that whole camp thing as a favour 2 me. Believe me, U will B rewarded v. v. handsomely when U return! <3 <3 <3

Apes

Liz plotting revenge

Hey foax, I got sum more e-mail from Liz, this time abt her starting 2 tell ppl abt her and Ant talking abt mayB-sumday marriage and shopping 4 a "taken" ring:

April,

In case any of your filthy-minded friends assumed I spent the night at Anthony's after we put Frenchy to bed, on that day like 3 wks ago when we decided we'll get married at some point, well, it's not true! I went back to my apartment and right away I sat down at my computer and fired off an e-mail to Dawn. I didn't even bother to change into my glasses, though I took my hair out of its bun and put it in a more comfy ponytail.

This is what I wrote to Dawn: "Dear Dawn, Anthony and I finally talked about getting married. I guess we'd both been thinking about it for a long time. We're going to look for a ring tomorrow. I must admit, I can't wait to wear one!" As I wrote that, I could feel that I had my lips o' loveliness. I love when that happens, because I'm much less likely to resemble Mike when I have those lips. Next, I wrote: "We haven't set a date yet... But when the time comes--I want you and Shawna-Marie to be my bridesmaids." Then I paused from my TICK TAP TIKKITA-TAP-TAP TICK, TICK TAP TAP TAP TICK, TAPPITA TICK TAP TICK TAPPITA TICK, TAPPING to think this thought: "That's right, dudes... --It's PAYBACK time!" As I thought this, I could feel this strange feeling. My eyes were half-closed and I could feel that I had fully articulated eyelids! How strange is that?

Anyway, April, I am gonna need your help looking for the most ugly, unflattering bridesmaid dresses I can find. Because it's PAYBACK time! And also I can't let my maids outshine ME on my big day!

Liz

Liz, that's so mean that you want to buy uggo dresses for your bridesmaids. Especially since bridesmaids' dresses are expensive, even if they're fugly. And I def won't help U find uggo dresses if I'M gonna B a bridesmaid. If not, I'll consider helping U. 4 a fee.

Apes

Liz Hoist

Here's what Liz has 2 say abt the next thing that happed @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception almost 2 wks ago, after she an' Anthony decided 2 try fallin' in luv:

April,

This next part of my story is short, after I promised Anthony there was a chance we could possibly maybe allegedly fall in love again, we were so happy to finally at last maybe kind of sort of have that decided that we did this weird dance that included Anthony holding me up and dipping me and more kissing, by the way, why do men like to try to hold you up in the air when they like you, at least Anthony doesn't do that weird butt hoist like Paul used to, anyhow, all this while I thought I could feel someone spying on us in the dark, but I thought, no, what kind of pervert likes to watch a couple trying to fall in love?

Liz

As a matter of fact, it seemz like U were being watched, Liz. Yesterday, when I was working @ Lilliput's, Dawn came by 2 pick up sum bride mags, and she told me that when U an' Anthony had been away from the dancing 4 a while, she started 2 wonder where U 2 cd B. Esp. since Mason nearly choked on his own vomit. NEway, she told me that she found Julia @ the edge of the tent, gazing off in2 the distance, and so asked her, "Julia, do U know where Elizabeth and Anthony R?" And Julia was like, "Yes, I do!" And it seems she pted 2 where U guyz were smooching and mackin' by the lake, and sed "Physically.... they're over there!" Dawn mentioned that it creeped her out a bit that Julia seemed 2 B watching U an' Ant like U were television or sumthin'.

Apes

Moving from Milborough and Mommies

Liz posted sum more early this morning:

April,

I can't sleep so I will tell you what happened next at the rehersal, even though it is totally boring and predictable, of course Dawn came over near me so I took the opportunity to tell her a treasured Patterson family anecdote about Mike and Dee's wedding, everyone loves Patterson family anecdotes, or sane people at least, but Dawn has clearly lost it, because she interrupted to tell me about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and how it was all hassles, or something like that, I wasn't really listening too close, then Dawn said that Shawna-Marie gave up and let her mom do whatever, which sounds pretty normal to me, but I could tell Dawn didn't think so, so I said, "Whoa, haven't the bride and groom made ANY decisions on their own?" which I thought sounded pretty good, a Patterson does not like to miss an opportunity to be judgmental like this, and Dawn said yeah, they are moving away after the wedding, which just shows Shawna-Marie is plain ol' stupid--who would move away from her Mommy and Milborough?!?, crazy people, that's who, Shawna-Marie has clearly lost it.

Liz

Well, I think getting far away from Mboro and Mom sounds gr8, but I know Liz already thinx I'm crayzee, eh? I wonder where Shawna-Marie an' her new hubby wanna go?

Apes