April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 21, 2008

It was a cliffhanger 2 nothing

Wow we're 2 days away from the debacle wedding. I woke up knowing some more abt what will happen. It looks like Liz's big "STOP" outburst I told U abt yesterday won't lead 2 NEthing substantial stopping. The limo will pull up 2 the park, and we'll all get out.

So, rite after our big disembark, Dawn will B helping Liz adjust her train as Liz thought-bubbles, "Don't B nervous, don't B nervous, calm... B calm..." And Dad will geet her w/"Hi, honey! --Are U nervous?" Then we will all go in2 the rarely seen white silhouette, and sum1 will B saying, "The bride and F.O.B. R here, bridesmaids, here, flower girls and ring bearer..."

Robin will interrupt whoever it is who'll say that, w/"When can I have the ring?" Liz will bend slightly @ the waist and tell him, "Not until the procession starts, Robin. We don't want U 2 lose it. --So, for now, it's safely in yr grandfather's pocket." And Dad, w/his hands in his pockets, will go, "AAAHH!!?" Acting like he doesn't have the ring. Liz will B so terrified that she'll bare her lower teeth. Candace will pop her mouth open. Robin will B button-nosed and gobsmacked. Shawna-Marie will B in white silhouette. Francie will apparently B on a potty break, so Dawn will B playing her role, crouching down so she's only one entire head taller than Robin and looking close-eyed and concerned.

Then Dad will pull the ring case outta his pocket and go "Just kidding!" Dawn will have anticipated sumthing like this, as she'll have had time 2 resume portraying herself and run around the other side, so she'll B behind Dad and pretending she's abt 2 strangle him." Liz will clench her entire face, Merrie will just look a bit bug-eyed, Robin will LOL, and the rest of us will B in silhouette.

OK, I'm confused. "Ring"? As in just one ring? Is Liz the only one who'll wear a ring in this marriage? Shouldn't there B 2? Or will sum1 other than the ringbearer have the other ring?


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  • At 8:15 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    What a super-great thing to be about to do to a woman who's been at Defcon One for the last two months. Your dad is stooopid and useless. As for Liz's shrieking at the children, she's transfixed by the same delusion that has your mom and Deanna in its grip: none of the three allow for the slightest bit of perceived imperfection in their children. Either children are angels or demons; no middle ground is allowed to be seen.

  • At 11:30 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i m afraid 4 poor lil francie.


  • At 5:21 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, this is ridiculous, but i got it done. gordon mayes sez ur sis can have the country kitchen, the restaurant next 2 mayes (formerly midtown) motors frum 1-3 pm 2morrow 4 the bridesmaids’ tea. he sez it’s not the bizzy tyme & of course all the usual “i wud do nethin’ 4 the pattersons”. 1 pm iz early enuff so u’ll b done in plenty of tyme 4 the rehearsal dinner 2morrow nite. the place haz dispensers 4 chai, ginger & english tea & all the cinnamon buns ur mom can eat & gordon sed he wud arrange 4 sum1 2 put white tablecloths on the tables 2 make it seem more proper.

    i wud ask ur sis y she didn’t do that herself, but it’s been a rilly weird wedding that way. i mean, wen ur sis wuz ovah @ur place last nite, she wuz like yellin’ @every1 if they evn sed nethin’ 2 her. all i sed 2 her wuz, “where ru goin’ on ur honeymoon?” i didn’t xxpect her 2 like, freak out & stuff. it made me rilly glad i didn’t ask her if she signed the prenup i saw anthony dropped by & left. i felt rilly sorry 4u wen u volunteered 2 take care of her cat & she just blew up @u. u know u predicted she wud scream @the kids on her weddin’ day & i can totally c it happenin’.

    &i am sayin’ this again: i am not writin’ thank u notez 4 ur sis. & u shudn’t either. i don’t care how many hints ur mom iz droppin’ ‘bout “april, that stack of gifts keeps gettin’ bigger & bigger.”

    ur dad, tho. i mean i know u have predicted wut practical joke he iz gonna play on ur sis w/the ring, but u should been outside w/him wen he wuz talkin’ ‘bout which 1s 2 do. he planz 2 write on the bottom of anthony’s shoes so when he kneels down he shows the audience a special message. he’s thinkin’ ‘bout these 1s:

    Left side: I’m Not With Right side: A Quebecoise
    Left side: Quality Tux Right side: Caine’s Formal wear
    Left side: Quality Dentistry Right side: Dr. John Patterson, DDS
    Left side: Move Your Ass Right side: Buy Crevasse

    then @the rehearsal dinner, he iz gonna hand out fifteen blank keys to guyz @there. then, while people r making toasts, he’s gonna announce 2 every1 that since the bride is no longer available, any guy w/a key 2 her apartment should turn it in. & then we’re supposed 2 walk up & turn in the key. i told him i thot hiz daughter wud kill him if tried that stuff & he sed his daughter wud know it wuz all in good fun. i am definitely not gonna turn in the key he gave me. ur dad iz whacked.

  • At 5:32 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I suppose I should explain the “one ring” with my son. As you know, my son is notorious for eating small things or trying to eat them, anyway. When he was chosen to be the ring-bearer for Elizabeth’s wedding, ring consumption was the main concern. No one wants to have to go to hospital on the wedding day to get a little boy’s stomach pumped for a ring, after all. What we decided was to tell my son that there was only one ring, and if he ate it, then there would be no rings. If he knows there are 2 rings, then he may eat one thinking that he has another ring as a spare. If the subject comes up with my son, you should maintain the fiction of one ring. After all, going to hospital on a wedding day is about the worst thing that could happen to a bride. Right behind that is having to wait for my son to void the wedding ring. Avoid the void, eh?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, jeremy, my dad and those jokes! what a freak!

    yeah, i agree abt not doing liz's thank u notes 4 her. she hasta do sumthing 4 herself. and she'd better not ask me 2 take her place on the honeymoon w/anthony. ::shudder::

    oh, i think i saw liz burning that prenup and shrieking a lot while she did. it was a scary sight.

    thanx 4 helping out w/arranging the tea party and rehearsal dinner.

    mike, ok, if u really think that will keep robin from eating rings, i will not tell him abt there being more than one. but u know what, i heard lots of ppl have fake rings that are sewn on2 the ring-bearer pillow just 4 show, while the moh and best man have the real rings. i wonder y lizthony rn't doing that?


  • At 10:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I have been spending a little time with your grandfather, so I can remember how he is, and not how he is going to be on Saturday when he has a heart attack. Beatrice and I had a good visit with him and one of his neighbours in the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace, a woman by the name of May Thomas. You may remember May was married to Frank Thomas before he died. This is the conversation as best I remember it:

    Iris: Beatrice, Coward. It’s good to see you again. Jim has been getting a lot of visitors lately. You remember my friend, May?
    Beatrice: Yes. So sorry to hear about Frank.
    Me: He was a great guy.
    May: I miss him too. I never met a man as good with handcuffs and a feather as Frank. His time had come though. What are you doing these days, Coward?
    Me: I’m married to Beatrice, and I have a job working at Portrait Magazine.
    May: Portrait Magazine, eh? I’ve read a few of those. It turned into a trashy exposé magazine about 2003, but last year it went back to doing portraits of famous Canadians.
    Beatrice: That was when Howard started working there.
    May: Sorry to hear that. I liked it better when it was trashy.
    Jim: Yes.
    May: Jim liked it better when it was trashy too.
    Iris: No, May. That’s Jim’s way of saying you should stop sitting on his lap.
    May: There’s not enough chairs here with Howard and Beatrice in here and I need a place to sit. It’s not like sitting on his lap is going to give him a heart attack.
    Iris: May. I am not going to just let you carry on as if nothing is happening. I’ll get a chair from the bedroom.
    May: Beatrice. You’re not from around here are you?
    Beatrice: I was born in Argentina and then I lived in the States.
    May: States, eh? Let me hear you say, “about”.
    Beatrice: About.
    May: Ha! Ha! Ha! I never get tired of hearing how people from the States pronounce things.
    Iris: Here’s the chair. You can stop sitting in Coward’s lap.
    Jim: Boxcar!
    May: You see he’s jealous of Howard.
    Iris: No, May. Jim is asking if we have heard the news.
    Beatrice: What news?
    May: The morons are coming in September. Then after September, we get 50% morons and 50% classic.
    Jim: Torquing nuts!
    Iris: Exactly, Jim. What do you mean morons? I heard it was new runs. I don’t like it when I get the runs. I have to go to the washroom all the time.
    May: New runs? I guess I would prefer new runs to classic runs. I got food-poisoning back in 1955 and got the runs something terrible. I wouldn’t want to do that one again.
    Beatrice: What are you talking about?
    Iris: Didn’t you hear? It was in all the papers and I think there was even a video talking about it.
    May: I hated that video. The lady said, “I thought I was going to be married and on a cruise ship wearing my Tilley hats, my sneakers. But I’m a single lady now, and I am ready for morons; because I don't have to work 365 days of new material into a year when I am only dealing with morons. I can still take some time off to paint and travel.” She made me sick. Who wants to deal with morons all the time?
    Iris: When you put it that way, morons makes more sense than new-runs.
    Me: New-runs and classic. Is it like that thing back in the 1980s, when Coca-Cola tried to introduce New Coke and Classic Coke?
    Iris: I think it will be just like that. I don’t think we are going to get 50% new-runs and 50% classic. Just like with the 2 Cokes, when people hated the New Coke, they got rid of it and there was only Classic Coke left.
    May: And they still called it Classic until just last year.
    Me: It only took them 20 years to fix that.
    Jim: Saturn!
    May: Jim, you say you’re a Pepsi man?
    Iris: No, May. Jim was saying how much he was looking forward to tomorrow night’s rehearsal dinner for the wedding.
    Beatrice: Where is it going to be?
    Iris: Elly picked out of one of Jim’s favourite restaurants. Elizabeth has really made this wedding special for Jim, because she is wearing Marian’s old wedding dress. Jim is like a guest of honour.
    Me: Oh no! She didn’t pick The Gravy Boat restaurant, did she?
    May: I love that place. “We guarantee gravy in every meal or your money back.” It’s not too many places that appreciate a fine gravy anymore. It may give you a heart attack, but it’s a great way to go, if you do get one.
    Me: ::Sob!!::
    Beatrice: It sounds pretty unhealthy.
    Iris: They serve all of Jim’s favourites. He will get to see all his family together and if we’re lucky we may even get to see some of the groom’s family.
    Beatrice: You haven’t met Anthony Caine’s family?
    Me: ::Sob!!::
    Iris: Elly said there’s a biography coming, but it’s been about 3 weeks since she said that, so I have my doubts. The best chance will be at the rehearsal dinner.
    Jim: Standard shift.
    May: What did he say this time?
    Iris: Jim thinks this will be the best wedding in his family ever, with everyone coming together and just having a good time together enjoying each other’s company.
    Beatrice: Are you sure that’s what he said?
    Iris: I can always tell what Jim is thinking.
    Me: ::Sob!!::
    Beatrice: I think Howard and I better leave. Thinking about gravy always makes Howard sad.
    May: Not me! I love it!
    Jim: Yes!
    May: See, Jim agrees with me.
    Iris: Actually Jim was saying goodbye to Howard and Beatrice and to have a safe drive home.
    May: Jim. You talked a lot less before you had the stroke.

    That’s about all I can remember. I thought you might find it interesting.

    Howard Bunt


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