April's Real Blog

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Gramps! :(

OMG! OK, so Jeremy and I just got back from Gramps and Iris's apt. Early this morning, I'd gotten a phone call from Iris, all "April, you and Jeremy have to get here rite away!" So we totally did, and guess what? Gramps talked 2 us, like he did B4 he had aphasia.

He was like, "April, U have 2 listen closely. I can talk 2 U now, but I know it's only temporary and I don't know how long this will last. I had a premonition about yr sister's wedding day." I started 2 tell him that I've been having those, 2, but he waved his hand 2 let him continue. He went, "April. This is important. And you must not try change what I'm abt 2 tell U. On yr sister's wedding day, I'm going 2 have a heart attack." I was like, "NOOOO!" And Gramps put up his hand 2 quiet me and sed, "Yes, April. Here is how yr mother will find out. Yr father will B saying, 'It's almost time 2 go, El. Every1's ready.' And yr mother will B on the phone w/yr Uncle Phil, who will B w/us @ hospital. Elly (not 'El,' fergawshsakes) will tell him, 'Just a minute, John... It's my brother. Phil! Say that again? Where R U?!!' And Phil will say, 'I'm @ the hospital. Dad's had another heart attack. He won't B coming 2 the wedding. Iris is going 2 stay w/him. Georgia and I will B rite there--and Elly? Don't tell Elizabeth. ...He doesn't want 2 spoil her day.'"

I sed, "No! Gramps, we have 2 stop this! U R more important than the stupid wedding, and plus the whole reason Liz was doing all this rush-rush stuff was so U cd B there. MayB if we take U 2 hospital now. MayB if we throw out all that bad heart-attack food Mom has brought U this wk and refuse NE more!" Gramps shook his head vigorously. "April, no! Please listen to my wishes. The aphasia is going 2 come back and I'm going 2 go back 2 being a prisoner in my failing body. And no one even brings me my picture book NEmore!" I was like "I'll get U a new one," but he shook his head. "Stop, April! Listen, I don't know yet whether that heart attack will kill me, but if it does, that is the way it's meant 2 B. I'm already past my sell-by date, sweetheart. And frankly, that dress Liz is so anxious 4 me 2 C her gett married in looks nothing like the gown my sweet Marian wore when she was a strapping young airforce veteran!"

I just started 2 cry, so Gramps started addressing Jeremy. "Make sure she doesn't try 2 stop this young man. April has 2 pretend she doesn't know this is happening, because if her parents don't tell Liz, they surely won't tell April. She HAS TO put a smile on her face and go thru w/everything that's supposed 2 happen on that day. Everything that she's already reported on her blog, and all the stuff that will unwind afterwards, as well. The show has 2 go on!" Then there was sum more stuff I didn't even get, cuz I started 2 cry so hard I was practically dry-heaving, and Iris took me 2 the washroom 2 splash sum water on my face, and calm me down. Jeremy mite B able 2 fill in sum deets on what I missed.

When I got back from the washroom, Gramps was going, "Boxcar! No!" I was like, "Aphasia is back?" And Gramps sadly went, "Yes. Boxcar." :(


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  • At 12:03 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    sum deets on wut u missed. well, there wuz the part where i looked ‘round 4 like a hidden speaker, cuz i cudn’t b-lieve a guy who hazn’t been able 2 talk 4 almost 2 years suddenly started talkin’. then ur grandpa sed, “stop lookin’ 4 the speaker. there iz no man b-hind the curtain. this izn’t no #@*& wizard of oz.” so i stopped lookin’.

    then he sed he wuz glad he procogged a heart attack & not anothah stroke, cuz strokes mess up hiz brain 2 much & @least w/a heart attack, he’ll still b able 2 think. i cud c hiz point.

    then he sed ur terrible @hidin’ ur feelingz & it wud prolly b better if i just kept u away frum ur fam 4 a bit. so i sed u cud stay @my house. it’s not like ur fam wud notice u were gone neway.

    then he sed if ur mom iz gonna give him a heart attack w/all this fatty food, he wunts her 2 know he wunts prime rib & not %^&* shepherd’s pie. i sed i wud tell her, xxcept w/o the %^&* part.

    then there wuz the part where he started tellin’ a story ‘bout how hiz old band, the bentwood rockerz had 2 go on stage w/o gettin’ sum bangerz & mash they had been promised, but they still went on neway. i didn’t rilly unnerstand wut that meant, but mebbe u do.

    then he told me this long story ‘bout how he took marian n2 a jewelry store 2 pick out a weddin’ ring, & how she picked out the cheapest ring there wuz n order 2 save money, & how she luvved that ring & nevah wunted a better 1. that wuz a pretty nice story. i guess iris haz a lot more xxpensive ring.

    then he sed, if wen he died, sum1 started tellin’ stories ‘bout how marian beat her children cuz her dad beat her, & how he didn’t stop marian frum beatin’ the children, cuz his dad beat him; he hoped peeps wud realize that thoze kinda stories were prolly sum1 gettin’ revenge on peeps who cud no longah defend their side of the story, especially if they, like, told that story 2 magazines & newspapers where lotsa peep wud read ‘bout it. i sed i wud try 2 remembah that, like cuz i tell stories on my dad while he’s still alive & i always try 2 tell the truth. ur grandpa seemed happ ‘bout that. he rilly wunted u2 know that, cuz i think he’z afraid u’ll, like, think he wuz an awful person, if sum1 tried 2 tell a story like that ‘bout him.

    then he sed, “lemme tell how 2 please a woman in the bedroom.” & i started thinkin’ “yru takin’ so long in the washroom?”

    then he told me the story ‘bout ur grandma marian & the boxcar & actually hiz technique wuz pretty unique & i mite wanna try it, altho i wud definitely not tell u it wuz sumthin’ ur grandpa jim did w/ur grandma marian.

    then he wuz just “boxcar. yes.” it wuz kinda sad 2c him revert back, but @least i know “boxcar” is a rilly happ thot.

    thass all i remembah.

  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Heart attack, eh? All I can say to that is…rewrite. I have to rewrite my speech now. I had my speech all written for Elizabeth’s wedding and now it is ruined. How can you make an analogy comparing Elizabeth and Anthony to a beautiful outdoor setting enhanced with teal and lavender, if you are not in a beautiful outdoor setting enhanced with teal and lavender? It can’t be done.

    At least I had enough advance notice, so I have the time to rewrite. I will have to replace all my park puns with hospital puns. Don’t worry, though, April. Your brother is up to the task. I am a best-selling author after all. When the time comes, I will be ready to deliver a wedding speech which will leave the attending doctors and nurses in tears. If I am really clever, it will be both a wedding speech and a eulogy. I enjoy a writing challenge.

    I just realized something great. I predicted I would have to drive myself to the wedding ceremony site to do ushering, but if we relocate the wedding to the hospital, I can ride in one of those limousines Gordon got with all the other wedding guests being driven to the hospital. Hurrah! I hope I get one with a full-service bar, or a television. Grandpa Jim getting a heart attack is the best news I have heard all day! Don’t worry, April. I will be sure to look sad when I actually hear the real news for the “first” time. I am an excellent actor.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am very sad right now. I don't think I am going to be able to go to Anthony Caine's bachelor party tonight. I am not in the mood. I am in the mood to wear a long black dress and lie in bed and think of all the good times I had with your grandpa, when I used to work for him. My wife Beatrice says I need to go anyway and pretend I didn't read your blog today. I don't feel like it.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 12:24 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Oh, my. Judging by the blissed-out stare on Liz's face, she probably won't even notice his absence. I'd like to hope she might have thought of all this as a Plan B to getting married at his bedside but that would require an attention to her surroundings she no longer has.

  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, u r so good 2 me. thanx 4 being so cube this morning w/me and my gramps.

    mike, i have an even better plan. no puns @ all in yr speech. no, really, i m totally serious.

    howard, i know xxactly what u mean. i am totally not in the mood 4 liz's bachelorette party, but i m under strict orders 2 go and act as tho everything is normal.

    dc2, u had a premonition abt the xxpression on liz's face? altho gramps didn't mention the look on liz's face, it's true that all my precog visions of her 4 the wedding day have shown her looking esp. blank. so if u had a vision like that, it fits rite in w/what i've 4seen so far.


  • At 6:48 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You are asking me, your best-selling brother, in front of a whole crowd of Pattersons and Richards to give a speech with no puns? No thank you. I don't have a death wish.

    Right now I have more important things to worry about than your issues with punning. Gordon and I have to convince Anthony Caine to go to his bachelor party. He's locked himself in his house. It's something about he's afraid we'll take him to a strip club and he'll see an attractive naked woman and won't want to get married to Liz. Now that I think about that, he does have a point.

  • At 8:19 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, apparently gordon mayez has a key 2 anthony’s house cuz he used 2 live there? me, i wudn’t like that. so, anthony’s lockin’ himself in his house did not work. the guyz put him kickin’ & screamin’ n2 a limo gordon mayez rented so we cud all go.

    howeird didn’t show. hiz wife stopped by & sed that he’z been cryin’ all day & isn’t in the mood. i kinda know how that iz, cuz u’ve been cryin’ mosta the day 2, & w/the kind where ur tears like flow all ovah like u were sum kinda water fountain. thass the reasn i hadda change my shirt a couple of tymes 2day. i gotta get me sum more absorbent shirts. neway, wen howeird’s wife sed he wuz no-show, anthony started yellin’ we shud go 2 his house & force him 2 go, but no1 rilly paid ne attention 2 that.

    i am not sure y they wud let me n2 a strip club, cuz i am only 17, but gordon mayez ownz the club or sumthin’ like that, so it wuzn’t a prob. the guyz paid 4 a girl 2 dance 4 anthony & he started shriekin’, “i’m marryin’ the rite girl. i’m doin’ the rite thing.” like ovah & ovah. it’s kinda embarrassin’.

    remembah zenia parkinson, the picton peeler? she works here 4 gordon & she iz a pretty good dancer, not that i wud know frum person xxperience, just observation. she saw me writin’ u & she sez, “hi”.

  • At 8:36 PM, Anonymous beatrice alfarero said…


    I think renting these guys that do the Village People imitation for your sister’s bachelorette party may have been a mistake. They were barely into “Macho Man” before your sister jumped on the guy doing the part of the policeman in the band, and started saying something about, “Paul save me!”

    He was pretty nice about it. It turns out the guy she jumped on, Ahmed Sharma, actually knows Paul Wright from their academy days, and he isn’t going to make a big deal about it. He seemed to be pretty amused when found out that your sister was his friend’s old girlfriend, and she was marrying Anthony Caine. He said, “So, the network of police officers had it right. It looks like my old buddy Paul made the right choice.” I think this was because your sister had spotted the Canadian Royal Air Force guy in the lineup of “entertainers” and had tackled him.
    I hope your sister gets done with that soon. I want to see some men getting naked.

    Beatrice Alfarero

  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, zenia.

    omg, liz has been so embarrassing! dawn is giving her sum wine and a little sumthing-sumthing 2 help calm her down. oh, good, they've started their routine. "macho man"!


  • At 5:02 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, we’re still goin’ strong ovah here. i hafta hand it 2 zenia, aftah a few lap dances w/her, anthony caine wuz all calmed down. i evn hadda chat w/him. he sed 2 me, “jeremy. how r thingz w/april? duz she luv u?” i sed u did. he sed, “thass good. i dunno if liz rilly luvs me or not. she sed she duz, but it took her a long tyme 2 say it, & i dunno if she sed it cuz she b-lieves it or cuz she gotta lotta pressure frum mamma elly’s coffee talk peeps 2 say it 2 me.” i sed, “april sez elizabeth duzn’t share her feelingz ez.” & anthony sed, “jeremy. u know if u marry april, u & i will b brothers-in-law.” i started 2 feel a little queasy w/that thot, but i hadda say, “thass v. true.”

    & he sed, “just ‘tween us bils, i don’t think liz likes me v. much.” i sed, “y do u think that?” & he sed, “a couple of thingz. 1st wuz wen she broke up w/that cheatin’ bastard paul.” i sed, “wut happed?” & he sed, “i wuz w/liz all thru that trial. she knew she cud count on me. then aftah her breakup, she hazta go 2 a party 4 her bro & his book & she invites warren blackwood & not me.” i sed, “thass gotta hurt.” he sed, “it sure did. plus it wuz a party where i knew every1. gordon & tracey were there & ur whole fam. it wuz like i supported her in the trial 4 nothin’.” i sed, “i think she wuz feelin’ like she owed warren sumthin’ 4 showin’ her that paul wuz cheatin’ on her.” anthony sed, “& thass more than supportin’ her 4 that whole trial?” i sed, “it duzn’t seem fair.”

    then anthony sed, “then liz comez 2 ask me 2 shawna-marie’s weddin’, but only aftah i find out that warren blackwood took some job sumwhere & he cudn’t come.” i sed, “thass gotta hurt.” he sed, “it wud, but i alreddy asked julia. but i thot i wud c her @the weddin’, but she’z alreddy w/anothah guy, that drunken best man guy she just met @the weddin’.” i sed, “i think he hadda medicine prob.” anthony sed, “wutevs. point iz. 1 moment she’s askin’ me out & the next moment she’s w/anothah guy. if that guy stayed conscious, liz & i wudn’t b 2gethah. she wud marry him. i am like her last choice. she wud rather b w/sum guy she just met than me.” i sed, “ur relationship iz complic8ed.”

    then he sed, “but u know where i am comin’ frum. every1 sez ur only w/april cuz her bf got confuzed ‘bout wut grade he wuz in & decided 2 break up w/her 1 year earlier than he shud, b4 graduation.” i sed, “i luvved april a long tyme b4 that.” & anthony sed, “my point iz, ur w/april cuz she’s not w/anothah guy.” i sed, “u have a point.” then he sed, “toast 2 my future bil.” i sed, “a toast.” fortun8ely, i am not drinkin’ alcohol, or i wud b under the table by now.

    i think gordon haz hiz place goin’ all nite long 4 anthony. i don’t want u2b upset, but gordon saw i wuz not gettin’ ne lap dances outa loyalty 2u & he kinda paid 4 sum 4 me. i kinda let him, cuz i rilly don’t wanna get gordon mayes mad @me. so if i come back 2morrow mornin’ smellin’ like ciggiez & cheap perfume, thass the reasn.

    i luv u. hope ur night wuz better’n mine.

  • At 5:24 AM, Anonymous beatrice alfarero said…


    That was a fine evening. There is nothing like the sight of a whole line of muscular, almost naked men. I love my Howard and he has a lot going for him; but sometimes a girl needs to see some other meat, if you know what I mean. Judging from how you were, I think you did. You are an animal. I don’t think “Bruno” is going forget you.

    The only thing I didn’t like was the bride and her bridesmaids yelling, “Best Friends forever” whenever they stuffed money in one of the guy’s jock. It was like someone had invited drunk, 14-year-old girls to a bachelorette party. If it wasn’t for the fact they were the bride and the bridesmaids, I would have asked them to leave. I will admit your sister can really drink. I don’t think I have ever seen a woman drink that much before and stay conscious. Dawn and Shawna-Marie were asleep and we had to wake them up, after the guys left.

    I know your sister was drunk, but I really did not like her telling me a story about how she could have had my Howard, if she wanted him. Your sister is an ugly drunk. I am glad I am not marrying her.

    Beatrice Alfarero


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