April's Real Blog

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Mom shows her true colours--again

Well, foax, we R xxactly 2 weeks away from the Liz-Anthony wedding. And I woke up this morning knowing sum more abt what will happen on that day.

Mom, Connie, and Anne Nichols will B standing in a reception hall @ the Empire Hotel, where Anne is the catering manager. (Yup, Howard, it's what U were afraid was going 2 happen--Anne Nichols will handle the catering.) Annie will say, "We're all ready 4 yr reception--U can trust the Empire Hotel!" And Mom will go, "Better than that, Anne--we can trust the catering manager!"

Then, Mom will say, "The girls @ the bookstore provided all the decorations and Anthony's mother made the cake!" So U C, Anthony's mother just happens to make wedding cakes. Bookstore peeps naturally do wedding decorations on the side? NEway, Anne will ask, abt Anthony's mother: "What's she like, Elly?" And Mom, mayB 2 remind herself abt the manly-looking Connie's gender, will begin her response w/"Ladies," and then say, "She is great! She is xxactly the kind of woman I'd want my daughter 2 have 4 a mother-in-law." Anne will ask, "She gets along w/Elizabeth?" And Mom will touch her left hand 2 her own sternum while saying, "She gets along w/ME!" And Connie, like the sidekick she is, will open her muppet-mouth and laugh like Elly is totally bringing the funny.

So I guess 2 Mom, it won't matter if Liz can't stand Ant's mother. MOM likes her. That's all that matters 2 Mom. Typical. Liz, U can still back out, U know. MayB.

Howard, thanx 4 sharing that convo U, Beatrice, Maria and Ana had w/Dawn, David, Shawna-Marie, and Brian. Liz never shared NE deets abt Dawn's wedding, and it sounds like it was really cube!


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  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Of course it's all about your mother's convenience. As we both know, the Witch Of Corbeil said so when she tried to explain the wedding to us. It's never been about Liz's happiness or best interests and never will be.

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Empire hotel and Anne Nichols catering manager. Just like you, I have a hint of something that is going to happen in your sister’s wedding---food poisoning. At least if someone throws up on lavender and teal, probably no one will know.

    As for the table decorations, it was going to be a surprise for you. As you may remember from earlier in the week, my wife and “bookstore girl” Beatrice Alfarero, put down “paying for the table decorations” as our contribution to your sister’s wedding and our gift for tonight’s bridal shower for your sister. That was really a gift to you (a former bookstore girl), because you were originally slated to do the table decorations all by yourself, as you may recollect. We thought it was too much for you to pay for that. You have already done way too much for your sister’s wedding.

    Anyway, Beatrice and her other “bookstore girl”, Moira Kinney, decided that instead of paying for the table decoration material for you to do it, they (and by they that means me and our girls and Moira’s husband) would also make and put out the table decorations on the wedding day. It’s not going to be anything fancy or even tasteful. Lavender and teal balloons, and more lavender and teal on the table. However, it should satisfy your mom, unless part of you seeing the future sees her complaining about it.

    Just to let you know, we have also got a room reserved at the Empire Hotel for the wedding day, where I will provide food alternatives for persons who prefer vegan eating or who prefer something to eat which will not make them sick. You are welcome to stop by anytime. I will definitely not be at the reception during the food part. Just the smell of Anne Nichols’ food is usually enough to turn my stomach. However, Beatrice does want me there for the dancing. Hopefully, the food odour will have passed by that point.

    Also, Beatrice has been informed that the “hair police,” which keeps all the Milborough women’s hair in buns or ponytails, are off duty for this bridal shower, because “no one cares about the shower, only the wedding.” She and our girls are getting their hair done at Sugar’s hair salon and she says if you show up, she will pay for you too. She expects that you have probably spent all your spare money on your sister’s wedding. Beatrice has gorgeous hair when it is down, and she plans to show it off at the bridal shower. I hope you have the time to join her.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:51 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I may not be attending tonight’s all-girl bridal shower for our sister Elizabeth, but already there has been some aftermath from it. Tracey Mayes is throwing the shower and we found out she has been inviting everyone, without any respect to whether or not they should or should not be there. It is one of her more annoying characteristics. I remember she and Gordon were actually friendly to Warren Blackwood when Elizabeth invited him to my party celebrating my novel early last year, when everyone else was shunning Liz at the party because she didn’t invite Anthony Caine. Sometimes, Tracey does not know when to turn off the friendly.

    Mom found out that Tracey actually invited Anthony Caine’s mom to the bridal shower, and she had to take action. She arranged to meet this woman and politely request that she not participate in the bridal shower, because it would only be women who knew Elizabeth personally. Mom said Connie Poirier wanted to come to the meeting because Connie seems to go everywhere mom goes these days. But mom put her foot down and said, “Connie. I love you dearly; but when the wedding day comes, I want to be able to tell you my opinion of Anthony’s mother, without you or Anne or anyone else having met her before. She cannot come to this shower. And I am going to see if I can talk her into not coming to the rehearsal dinner either. It’s for Elizabeth’s protection. If Anthony’s mother ends up being an ogre, like Mira Sobinski was…is; then I want to limit her exposure to Elizabeth. Elizabeth is very fragile now, and doesn’t need any kind of shock, like finding out her mother-in-law is awful.”

    Mom had her meeting with Anthony’s mom and as it turns out, and as you foresaw; mom adores her. She agreed to everything. No bridal shower. No rehearsal dinner. Mom almost got her to agree to not show up at the wedding, but then she offered to make the wedding cake for free. Now she is speaking mom’s language. One cake with lavender frosting, individually wrapped for one side of the table. Another cake with teal frosting, individually wrapped for the other side of the table. And one chocolate cake with chocolate frosting at the mother-of-the-bride’s seating place, just for mom. Mom conceded that if Anthony’s mom is bringing cake, then it would be good for her to attend the wedding.

    And according to mom, Anthony’s mom even agreed that for all holidays, or grandchild birthday celebrations; they can occur at the Sharon Park Drive house. Not only that, but we don’t have to invite Anthony’s mom to those occasions. She said she only wants to spend time with her grandchildren, when our mom is not already occupied with that task. When you consider all the time mom has spent with my kids over the years, there’s plenty of opportunity for Anthony’s mom.

    She is like a dream mother-in-law. I cannot believe it. When I think about all the times I had to deal with Mira, my monster-in-law, I am starting to get a feeling that I have not had in years. I think it is called jealousy. Imagine that. Me. Michael Patterson. Jealous. Jealous over my sister’s mother-in-law. I am going to have to lie down from the astonishment of it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, u have made my day x3!!! so cube that u, beatrice, moira, ana, maria, and mr. kinney r handling the decorations. yeah, i'm sure mom will totally luv teal/lavendar balloons and whatev else u all come up with. if the decs r not tasteful, i think she'll luv them all the more.

    u r gonna b a total life saver by having that other room where i'll b able 2 get vegan food. cuz u just know my mom + anne + catering = prime rib. as if every1 eats that stuff!!!

    and i'll totally b there 4 the hairstyling. it's more than a yr since i've been able 2 wear my hair down in public, and even then, the front part was pinned up and back. i think i'll ask sugar 2 use a flat iron, so my hair can look extra long and sleek. i m so stoked!

    so, thanx 2 u & bea, X3!!!

  • At 2:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, so that's why anthony's mother is not coming to the bridal shower! i saw tracey mayes @ mr. singh's store 2day, and she was saying that mrs. caine had suddenly called and sed she wdn't b going after all, even tho she'd already rsvp'd yes. tracey seemed kinda baffled over the whole thing.


  • At 2:20 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i laffed wen u told me ur remember 2day. “you can trust the empire hotel”. like thass their advertising slogan & ur mom totally missed it. ‘course ur mom haz been rilly weird l8ly. i mean she just goes ‘round sayin’, “lawrence is providin’ the flowers. josef is providin’ the photos” w/o it havin’ 2 do w/nethin’ ne1 else is sayin’. it soundz like she’s still gonna do that on ur sis’ weddin’ day.

    it’s like this week, she haz been kinda just makin’ a list of everythin’ ur sis gets 4 free. ‘course @that shower 2nite (so glad i am a guy & don’t hafta go), thass wut all the shower gifts are…thingz peeps r givin’ free 2 the weddin’. i dunno ‘bout u, but me, if i were gettin’ married, the weddin’ wudn’t b ‘bout wut thingz peeps r payin’ 4. i think my mom wud just b happ if ne1 wunted 2 marry me & she wudn’t care wut it cost.

    this biz w/anthony’s mom u talked ‘bout is rilly confusin’ 2 me. didn’t like anthony & ur sis d8 startin’ wen they were 12 & all thru high school? y wudn’t ur mom evah met her b4? my mom haz met ur mom & we’ve only been d8in’ since october 26 last year. fyi. i totally like ur planz 2 celebr8 our 1 year anniversary of d8in’. ur so g8. i luv u like crayzee. i’m gonna miss u 2nite, wen ur @bridal shower.

    & yes, I am guy enuff 2 say, but I am gonna luv 2c ur hair aftah u get done in the salon. u know how much I luv ur hair, especially the way it feels on my chest wen u…um…thass prolly tmi 4 ur blog.

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    You are still the nicest girl in Milborough, even though people have told me an entire year passed at school and I didn’t get to comfort you even one time. Some people told me it was because I did my speech on the table at the end of the last school year and there was no need for you to be with me anymore this past school year. Some people say it’s because it looks like the story of your sister’s wedding is something I would write for a story after I have had my happy medicine. Some people told me that it’s because my aunt got an ugly divorce from the man, whose brother is living with my birth dad; so she doesn’t give a flip about me any more. Those people who say those things are strange.

    I got invited to your sister’s party tonight with my mom. My mom told me if I think your sister has been drinking, I should not ask her if she’s been drinking. She says it is impolite to point out to drunk people that they are drunk. She also said if your mother talks to me like she is reading a list, I should nod my head and walk away.

    I asked mom if we were supposed to bring a card or a gift. Mom said that they just wanted me to be there and I didn’t have to bring a gift. The invitation said, “Gifts are not necessary for Shannon. Shannon is a surprise package waiting to be opened!” Mom told me this didn’t mean that I was going to be opened, like with a knife. She said probably people would want me to say something about how I am special needs. And then I would take pictures with your mom and your sister, while they patted my head. That happens to me a lot.

    I can’t wait to see you again. If you forgot what I look like, I am short and I have really short bangs.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 2:48 PM, Anonymous deanna patterson said…


    I will pick you up for the ‘shower’ tonight. Elly called and said she was doing ‘things’ with Connie Poirier and wouldn’t be ‘back’ to get you. Before we leave, I need you to try on your bridesmaid ‘dress’ to make sure the alterations are right. Do not come to my ‘house’ or Mike will try to make you ‘babysit’ the kids for him. You know how he is. See you ‘later’.


  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i m gonna miss u 2nite, 2! after sugar does my hair 4 2nite, i will take a pic w/my fone's camera and send it 2 u. i <3 u!!!

    shannon, i have not 4gotten what u look like. i think one reason we haven't seen so much of ea other is that ever since u did yr speech on the lunch table, u've had all those speaking engagements where u talk abt being special needs and do a powerpt presentation. it seemed u were away doing those more days than u were actually in school!


  • At 3:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, dee, i'll c u when u come by!


  • At 6:24 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I don’t see you yet, but I like this party. There’s green and purple all over. And a lot of food. There’s a lot of people I don’t know. Mom says you’re not here yet. I already took a picture with your mom and your sister patting me on the head. Your mom said she wanted to do that before she forgot.

    We’re playing a game. I am so excited. I never get asked to play games. We have to guess how many questions your sister can get right. Mrs. Mayes said she asked Mr. Caine some questions and your sister has to guess what he answered. Then we guess how many she will get. It’s 15 questions, so I will guess 15 right. Mom is guessing 0 right. I don’t know who will win. I am so excited. I have never been to a party like this before. Here we go. I ‘ll write this down, so you won’t miss out.

    1. What's the groom's favorite food? Your sister said, “Ice cream.” Mr. Caine said, “Elly’s cooking.” That’s one wrong, but your mom yelled, “Yay!”

    2. If the groom were a superhero, who would he be? Your sister said, “Clark Kent” Mr. Caine said, “Super-Elly.” That’s 2 wrong.

    3. What was the date of your first kiss? Your sister said, “March 25, 1994”. Mr. Caine said, “October 31, 1994.” Then your sister said, “The Halloween dance in 1994. Anthony went with Candace to that dance.” The tall girl with the squiggly hair said, “You wanted to break up with him and he needed a date to the dance. That was a long time ago.” Your sister looks mad. That’s 3 wrong.

    4. Where did you go on your first date? Your sister said, “The park.” Mr. Caine said, “Elly’s house.” That’s 4 wrong.

    5. What animal would the groom compare you to? Your sister said, “A fire-breathing dragon.” Mr. Caine said, “A lizard with bad breath.” Mrs. Mayes said, “That’s close enough. I am going to give Elizabeth this one.”

    Oh, I don’t think we are doing that game anymore. Your sister took the card with the questions and answers out of Mrs. Mayes hands and tore it up.

    I hope you get here soon. Mom says this will be the most fun bridal shower ever.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 telling me abt that game, shannon. dee and i r on our way and shd b there in a few minutes.


  • At 6:54 PM, Anonymous deanna patterson said…


    So sorry we got here ‘late’. Michael was just ‘impossible’ to leave with the children tonight. What did you want me to ‘do’? Yes. Write what is going on in your ‘blog’ so people will get to experience this shower.

    Tracey Mayes has done an outstanding ‘job’. Everything is in the wedding colours. Your sister ‘looks’ good. She has been getting thinner and thinner for her wedding. I have been so impressed with her ‘diet’. I know you said it was because she has been so nervous lately, she can’t keep any food down. But, you can’t argue with results.

    Tracey wants us to play a game. It’s called Two Truths and a ‘Lie’.

    Everyone tells their name, and tells the group ‘three’ things about herself; two are true, one is a lie. Then everyone gets to guess which one is the lie. That sounds like fun. The big ugly lady is starting first.

    Her name is Fiona Brass. She ‘says’:
    1. Her cousin is Dr. John Patterson.
    2. She has been shunned by the Patterson family ever since you were born.
    3. She prefers dogs to cats.

    That’s a tough one. I can believe number 2 for sure, because she is so ‘ugly'. People that ugly are usually dog people. So, I guess the cousin part is the ‘lie’.

    Goodness! She really is your father’s cousin. And she’s lived ‘right’ here in Milborough for the last 17 years. I haven't seen her at any family events since Mike and I got married. I wonder why I’ve never heard of her, after all the times I’ve been forced to look at your mother’s ‘photo’ albums.

    Next we have a French-looking lady. I missed her ‘name’. Sorry. She says:
    1. Her granddaughter is Françoise Caine.
    2. She has been ‘kept’ from seeing her granddaughter ever since your sister started dating Anthony.
    3. She wants to see her granddaughter now, or she will ‘hurt’ someone.

    That’s a tough one again. She looks like she could be little Francie’s grandmother, but she is too small to really hurt someone. Oh, look. There’s little Francie now. She and the French lady are ‘hugging’ and ‘crying’. Well, obviously number 2 is the lie.

    Now it’s your mother. This should be ‘fun’. She says her name is Elly Patterson. Her 3 are:
    1. She has no control over the ‘size’ of her nose.
    2. She’s paying way too much for this ‘wedding’.
    3. She’s ‘in love’ with Connie Poirier.

    Connie looks ‘nervous’. I don’t know why. That’s an easy one. Your mother is ‘married’. She’s not ‘in love’ with Connie. I got this one right. ‘Yay’ for me!

    Elly wants me to get her some ‘punch’. I’ll be back in a bit to write some more.


  • At 7:03 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I like this Two Truths and a Lie game. Mine are:

    April is the nicest girl in Milborough.

    Mine would be that. Mom said I have to say things about myself and not you. And there has to be 2 true and 1 lie. I didn't understand that before. So mine are:

    I think April is the nicest girl in Milborough.
    I am special needs.
    I am going to graduate from senior secondary the same time as April.

    I said them. Now let’s see who can figure out the lie. Did you guess it? I bet you did. You are so smart.

    April, I can’t believe how many people thought my first one was a lie. They don’t seem to know you very well, especially your mom.

    The real answer was my last one was a lie. I will probably graduate from my Towards Independent Living when I am 21. That will be one year after you graduate, since I am 2 years older.

    I am so sorry. I never thought your mom would say that about you. Do you need to be comforted?

    Shannon Lake

  • At 7:11 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    I hate these games! I've already lost two! Why do the games at my shower have to be so hard? I'm under so much stress as it is, and. Oh, no. I have to vomit again! I feel the teal-and-lavender cupcakes coming up.

    Liz Patterson

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's ok, shannon. i'm used 2 my mom's attitude abt me. let's c what mine will b.

    when i was 4, i almost died in a ravine cuz my mother never secured the gate i knew how 2 open.

    one time, my mom comforted me abt liz being 11 yrs older than me, and now liz is only 10 yrs older than me.

    mom always treats me w/kindness and respect.

    ha, mom blurted out that #1 was the lie. liz blurted out that #2 was the lie. but shannon, u totally got that #3 was the lie!!!


  • At 7:23 PM, Anonymous Rhetta Blum said…

    Here's what I said on my turn:

    Not marrying Michael Patterson was my biggest regret.

    I once urged Mike to write about the death of that dog, what's-his-face, that saved April from that ravine.

    When Michael and I went to his graduation dance, his father leered at me.

    April knew that #1 was the lie, but Mrs. Patterson twisted my arm behind my back and tried to get me to say #3 was the lie. Luckily, Tracey Mayes and Fiona Brass got her off of me!

    Rhetta Blum

  • At 8:54 PM, Anonymous deanna patterson said…


    Oh, I am back ‘again’. So busy tonight. Elizabeth is on her 3rd, 4th glass of wine? It is kind of ‘fun’ watching her open the cards that say things like “I’m providing the seat covers ‘for’ the wedding” and “I am providing the place cards for table #1 at the reception.” She can barely read the cards and ‘barely’ say them.

    So Tracey started a new game called The Bride's Poem. You start off by writing a ‘sentence’ about the bride as if it were the first line of a poem. Then pass it around the room as the bride opens her cards. Each guest must write down a next line of the poem, following the previous line as logically as possible. Then, she folds the sheet of paper over, so that the next guest only sees the line she has written. Then Tracey will read the ‘wacky’ poem at the end of present opening!

    Let’s see what we have here. I know I am not supposed to look at the previous lines, but I can’t help myself.

    It looks like Fiona Brass started with: Elizabeth Patterson is drunk off her ‘ass’.
    Carleen Stein wrote: Someone should take her hand off the wine ‘glass’.
    Anne Nichols wrote: The Empire Hotel serves a fine ‘foie gras’.
    Your mom wrote: I trust the catering ‘manager’ of the Empire Hotel
    Beatrice Alfarero wrote: Hopefully she’ll make food that ‘won’t’ smell.
    Rhetta Blum wrote: Liz’s kind of cooking is cheese and ‘shells’.
    Shawna Marie Verano wrote: Her cooking would set off alarm bells.
    Dawn Enjo wrote: When I first met Anthony it was at the ‘school’ bell.
    Candace Halloran wrote: I don’t play these ‘stupid’ wedding games.
    Connie Poirier wrote: Elizabeth and Anthony will have a life ‘without’ blame.
    I guess I will write: Married life is not as ‘easy’ as everyone claims.

    I’ll fold this back and hand it on. This bridal shower is so ‘fun’. Not like mine with all the present opening.


  • At 8:55 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I am not very good with poems. My mom had to help me.

    I wrote: In Milborough, April is the nicest of all the dames.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 9:19 PM, Anonymous beatrice alfarero said…


    I had to laugh when Tracey Mayes brought out the "NAUGHTY" Hint Advice Card Reads, for people to write their naughty hints for your sister. It says, “To the soon-to-be Mrs. Caine, here is my "naughty" hint for you:

    I loved it when your sister had to read those out loud. My boss Moira Kinney’s suggestion on different ways to use haggis was pretty provocative. Who would have thought she was so adventurous with Scottish foods.

    Carol Enjo and her suggestive talk about samurai swords was…different.

    Sharon Edwards had some interesting positions to share involving lying on your side. Very practical, I thought.

    Your mother’s idea about foreplay involving a pillow fight or a good blow to the head with a coffee cup was not advice that I would follow. I kind of like my man to be conscious. However, your sister seemed very enthusiastic when she heard it.

    Jean Baker’s comment about doing it in a dentist’s chair was disturbing.

    I don’t think my comment about doing it while your husband wears a dress went over very well either.

    Your comment about doing it in a hover chair was something I have never tried before. How do you avoid hitting your head on the ceiling?

    The biggest surprise was your friend Shannon Lake. She seems so innocent. I guess people forget that just because a woman is special needs, doesn’t mean she does not have needs.

    There were some other good ones. Too many to remember.

    Beatrice Alfarero

  • At 9:22 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I don't like those "NAUGHTY" Hint Advice Card Reads. I should never have mentioned that about Justin, the computer who reads to me.

    I am so embarrassed,
    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    poem: i wrote, "i'm scared because liz can be a mean drunk."

    beatrice: the hover chairs have special controls 2 keep u from hitting the ceiling. i will send u a web link 4 more info if u want.


  • At 10:23 PM, Anonymous Martha McRae said…

    I wrote, "Liz seems to be in a bit of a funk."


  • At 10:25 PM, Anonymous Huguette said…

    I am the little sister of Thérèse, Anthony's ex-wife.

    For the poem, I have added, "That Liz, she is smelling like a skunk!"


  • At 10:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we're doing that bridal-shower game where u make bridal gowns and veils outta toilet paper. omg, what's liz doing w/that tp?


  • At 11:29 PM, Anonymous deanna patterson said…


    I think your sister has had a little too much. She said she wanted to be just like ‘mummy’ and then used her toilet paper to cover herself ‘completely’ and started yelling, “I’m just like my mummy in every way. I’m buried in a tomb. I’m smothering to death.”

    It was pretty funny until we realized she couldn’t ‘breathe’. A little too much to ‘drink’, I would say. However, it was a great ending to a bridal shower. I can’t wait until the ‘bachelorette’ party next week.


  • At 11:33 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I loved this party. I never get invited to parties. I didn’t understand everything, but it was still exciting. I asked my mom what it meant when everyone was pulling toilet paper off your sister and she started yelling, “He said he was going to transfer to Toronto for me.” Mom said your sister had made her tomb and she had to lie in it. I think that was a mummy joke. I don’t know many of those.

    Thanks for inviting me to the party. You’re the nicest girl in Milborough. I don’t care what your mother, I mean mummy said. I think that was a mummy joke.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 11:39 PM, Anonymous beatrice alfarero said…


    Your sister’s bridal party was unlike any other bridal party I have attended. My husband, Howard, will be sorry he couldn’t see it for himself.

    By the way, when you let your hair out, it is gorgeous. You could be an Argentinean girl.

    Beatrice Alfarero


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