April's Real Blog

Friday, August 01, 2008

What's not being provided for free?

Dad was pretending to use his computer, and I came up behind him, all, "The rental place called, 'POP'--U can pick up yr tux in the morning." "Pop" is dorky, just like Dad is. Then I went, "HOOO!" Which I learned from Gerald's obnoxious Hoo-boy friend. And then, "U R gonna look sooo sophisticated... soooo el-ee-gant as U walk down the aisle w/Liz on yr arm." "El-ee-gant," of course, is not the normal way 2 pronounce "elegant." It's one of Dad's lame wordplay things. It's kind of like "elegant as rendered by Elly."

Then I leaned an elbow on one of Dad's shoulders and went, "U didn't hafta do that much when Mike and Dee were married... Now U've gotta--how do they say it? ...'Give away the bride'?" The "they" in that sentence referred to the backwards ppl who still C a bride as property 2 B transferred from father to groom.

Apparently, when I walked away and slipped in2 silhouette, Dad was all, "Heck, I'm not 'giving away the bride' ....This thing's costing me a BUNDLE!!!" Huh, Really? Even w/all the freebees Liz is getting? What? Whatever.


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  • At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Since Annie isn't doing the catering that I've noticed, it's possible that he's paying through the nose for the grub. Let's also not forget that the barbaric splendor Liz wants doesn't come cheap and she can't be bothered to pay for it any more than she can be bothered buying her own flowers. The whiny freak you call an older sister thinks her sole duty is to look pretty in her dress. Given how hopelessly dependent she's become, she may be right.

  • At 9:04 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm kinda surprised mom isn't throwing baked beans in a trough, covering them in melted cheese, and telling everyone to dig in!


  • At 10:13 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. "What's not being provided for free?" you ask. Well, April, it is the sad state of today's society where a Patterson can get married and not have everything donated by others. You've not been married (yet) and so you might have thought that some people may have stepped up and paid for everything. Certainly that was dad's expectation too, since he and mom and only paid for Deanna's dress in my second, fake wedding. Dad still has some regrets about that, but mom has maintained that single purchase was important to make sure my monstrous mother-in-law Mira was put in her place.

    However, that was nothing compared to the shock mom and dad got when people started giving them bills to pay for the wedding, instead of saying, "I just wanted you to know because you are so wonderful, I am paying for this for the wedding." I guess not everyone in Milborough is like Lawrence Poirier or Anthony Caine's uncle, and frankly, it is much to the detriment of our once-great town. If things continue along these lines then when you get married, you may find that you have to pay for almost everything. It is a horrifying thought for a Patterson, but it is best to face the truth while you are still young and innocent. I think it was a little much for Liz, when she discovered that there were 10 people out there who would not immediately RSVP to a Patterson wedding. I don't know if she will ever fully recover from the shock of it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My dear,
    I hesitate to tell you this, but I fear that your father's seemingly incongruous whine is meant to let you know that you should not expect much at your wedding. He will have drained the family coffers for the wedding of dear, dear Elizabeth and her dream beau. (He has also given large sums to support your struggling genius brother and his lovely wife and brood.) If (not when) you are someday chosen as a bride, you must wear a cheap, sensible suit and hold a few violets you pick yourself. The wedding brunch will be at a very nice Tim Horton's. You can invite as many as 6 friends! If you complain, some of your ethnic or special need friends will shame you. How very lucky you are, young lady!
    A friend

  • At 11:46 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i think u may b rite abt liz possibly not recovering from the shock. she's been muttering 2 herself a lot. "10 rsvps not received"; "non-free wedding stuff." girl's not well.

    "friend," i have a feeling i'll be on my own when/if i get married sumday. i guess my future spouse and i will have 2 plan accordingly, if i have a future spouse.


  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Was your dad really typing on the computer, or was he just pretending? I didn't see any TICKA-TICKA-TAP-TICKA-TAP-TICKITY-TICKITY-TAP-TAP-TAP like when Mike types, unless Mike presses down on the key a lot harder than your dad does, therefore creating the sound effects.

  • At 2:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    pretending. :)



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