My mom's not-funny gallows humour

The wedding is tomorrow! Is it wrong that I'm mostly relieved cuz that'll mean I can stop having premonitions abt that day?

Here's what I woke up knowing this time: When Uncle Phil gets 2 the wedding site, Mom will B all, "Phil! I was afraid U were going 2 B l8!" And Phil will take her hand and go, "It was close, Sis!" Cuz Phil, too, will B dorky enuf 2 call his sister "Sis." And Mom will ask him, "How's Dad?" Phil will say, "Not gr8, El--but, he's going 2 pull thru." Then he'll say, "Everything looks so nice! ...How's the bride?" And Mom will B all, "Nervous, giddy, tired... I wish Dad cd B here." Uncle Phil will tell her, "He'll B here in spirit, Sis." Then Mom will decide this is time 2 make a funny. She'll B like, "I thought U sed he was going 2 pull thru!!" And Uncle Phil will smirk @ her.

Howard, ugh, I can't believe we're having the rehearsal dinner @ the Gravy Boat! I can't blame U 4 sobbing when Iris told U that last nite. Not only is it all heart-attack food, but they don't serve a single thing I can eat! I guess I'll B packing a dinner 4 myself. Ugh, I wish Gramps hadn't made me promise not 2 try 2 prevent his heart attack! :(

Apes

Smooth Ride/Lobotomized Bride

So again I woke up knowing sum more abt what will happen on Liz's wedding day, which is now 5 days away. It will B time 4 the bridal party 2 pile in2 the limo, and so sum1 will B all, "The limousine is here, ladies!" As Liz climbs in2 that thing as tho she's climbing up a mountain, sum1 behind her will B like, "R U OK, Liz?" And Liz will B all, "I think so--I'm trying not 2 step on my dress!" Dawn will say, "Let me help U!" Shawna-Marie will say, "Don't mess her hair!" Candace will B all, "Who's got the bouquet?" And Meredith will ask, "When can I get in?"

Once every1's inside, it'll B Liz between me and Shawna-Marie, and @ the other (front) end of the limo will Be Merrie, Dawn, Candace, Francie and Robin. Candace will tell the driver, "Ready!!" Dawn will B in silhouette 2 Candace's rite when she sez that."

Then, once the limo gets moving, I'll tell Liz, "Well, Sis... we're rolling!" I'll B one of those dorks who actually calls her sister "Sis." ::puke:: And Liz will say, "And I think it's going 2 B a smooth ride." And Candace will B in silhouette, Merrie will have a wary look in her eye, Dawn will B unseen, except mayB by wary Merrie, and, inexplicably, Francie and Robin will laff like Liz's joke is funnier than Mr. Noodle doing something v. v. silly on the "Elmo's World" part of Sesame Street.

And apparently, Mom will have followed Uncle Phil's orders not 2 tell the bride (or probably NE1 else in the bridal party) abt Gramps and the heart attack.

Apes

P.S. Dunc, don't feel bad abt spilling the news that I'll get that super-early acceptance 2 Guelph. If Mom didn't want me 2 know, she shdn't have bragged 2 my mom. Tho, in my favour, I noticed that Guelph seems a bit farther away than Burlington. And my fam is always saying that Burlington (which is where Mira and Wilf Sobinski, Dee's parents, live) is waaaaaay 2 far 2 visit. So I guess that will make Guelph uncommutable so I will HAVE 2 live in the dorms! Ha, logic! :)

A premonition for the Sunday people

I only got a coupla hrs of sleep after Liz's bachelorette party that went till dawn (not 2 b confused w/Dawn w/a capital "D"). But I still woke up knowing sum more deets on Liz's wedding day. But I kinda think these deets mite B sumwhat outta sequence and compressed, like they're a special assortment 4 the ppl who only get 2 hear abt us on Sundays.

So, like, I'm gonna tell Mom that Annie sez they'll B serving vegetarian nibbles w/dips on the side, and Mom will think, "Nibbles and dips?" I think this mite B a stupid reference 2 "kibbles and bits," but whatevs. Actually the nibbles and dips will B vegan (thanx 4 that lil concession 2 me, Annie), but I won't wanna confuse Mom more than she already is.

Dee will come up 2 Mom all, "Michael sez the musicians have arrived. ....When do U think they shd start?" Mira will say, "I have the flower girls dressed, but I can't find their baskets!" I'll say, "Aunt Georgia wants 2 know where 2 put all the gifts, Mom."

Dee will find a cuff link and ask Mom if it belongs w/one of the tuxes. I'll take a call from Anthony's mom and share that she wants sum1 2 take photos of the cake B4 it's cut. (That shd B a big "duh," cuz who doesn't do that automatically, but I guess she knows abt my fam and the Pattersnarfing.)

Robin will ask, "Who gets 2 go in the 1st limousine?" Merrie (holding the flower-girl basket that will have been found) will wanna know, "When do we get started?" Mira will ask, "Has NE1 seen the hair brush?"

Mom will sit @ the kitchen table and go all flabbergasty w/"::SIGH:: ...Elizabeth [LIZ!] and Anthony wanted a SIMPLE wedding, John. ....How did it turn in2 such a production?" Dad will put a hand on ea of Mom's shoulders and go, "I guess every1 wanted 2 B a part of it, El. Every1 wants it 2 B a wonderful, magical day." Then he'll lean down, hug her from behind, and go, "It's as simple as that." And mom will smile weakly.

Beatrice, sorry abt my sister being such a mean drunk @ her bachelorette party. I think she feels the need 2 reassure herself that she hasn't lost her "Patterson allure."

Apes

CRANE, Mike, not CROW

Mike had another premonition about Liz's wedding day, 23 August:

April,

Formerly little sis. I had another moment where I foresaw something from Elizabeth’s wedding day and it is my delight to share it with you. As you may or may not remember, in addition to delivering a magnificent speech at Elizabeth’s wedding, it was decided to also take advantage of my celebrity status and have me act as a greeter and seater. Plus I could sign a few copies of my latest novel, Blood Cargo, if necessary. When people come to the wedding, I will say, “Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” and then I seat them in the seats on the left if they say, “Bride” and the seats on the right if they say, “Groom.” Or is that the other way around? I am sure I will get it right by the wedding day. Mom said I could reshuffle the guests if it turned out there was no one who would claim to be a friend of the groom, which mom thinks is likely.

Back to my foretelling. I am standing there at the wedding ceremony location, looking good. I had already seated an Asian woman and her stalker and they were almost sitting in their chairs the right way. Then a First Nations man, and a lighter-coloured woman show up. My initial thought was that this was the constable Liz used to date, whom I never met. I thought he was there to flaunt the fact he found another almost-white woman to date in front of Elizabeth on her wedding day. Only he made a mistake, because this woman was a lot fatter and uglier than Liz is. I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

I figured I could probably take him, if he made trouble. I was getting ready to spring into action, knock him on the ground, and give his ear a good tweaking; when it occurred to me that this was not the first responsibility of the greeter. First you greet. Then you tackle.

They came up to me and said, “Excuse me, is this the Patterson-Caine wedding?” I responded with “Yes! Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” in perfect greeter fashion. The man said, “Friends of the bride!” “Ha!”, I thought. "You’re no friend of the bride, cowardly ex-boyfriend. Get ready to eat a Michael Patterson knuckle sandwich.” Then he said, “…We’re from Mtigwaki, the village where she taught…” I was about to slam him to the ground, when I suddenly remembered that there were actually people from that place Liz invited to her wedding. My mind flashed quickly down the guest list. What were their names? It would be so impressive of me, if I could remember their names without asking or looking at the guest list. I remembered it was a bird name, and it started with “cr”. I thought, “Crake? Crab plover? Crossbill? Crow?” Then I thought, “Crow. That has to be it, because that sounds just like one of those First Nation names.” So, I said, “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Crow!” They didn’t say they weren’t, so I knew I got it right. Score one for Michael Patterson. I grabbed a lavender chair and said in my best greeter voice, “Welcome! Please sit down. Elizabeth will be so glad you came!” I foretell those greeter lines will come so naturally to me.

As they sit down, I notice Lawrence Poirier is standing next me. Obviously he was amused that I did not immediately recognize one of Elizabeth’s friends with close to the same skin colour as he has. I explain, “My sister has a lot of friends, Lawrence. Some of them I’ve never met before!” Lawrence responds with a great joke, “That’s the thing about weddings, Mike…It unites the ‘Who’s Who’ with the ‘Who’s that?’” What great joke, playing on the word “Who.” I foresee myself laughing a lot at that one. I’m not laughing at it now; but I foresee I will find it very funny.

That’s where it ends. Isn’t that a great prediction? I am going to find out that Liz has friends I don’t know. Who would have thought it was possible?

Love,
Michael Patterson

Aw, Gary and Vivian, why R U going 2 B 2 polite 2 correct Mike? Mike, as patrickrsghost commented last nite, their last name is CRANE not CROW. Tho their not correcting U has me wondering the same thing patrickrsghost does, which is whether their names will silently get changed on that Who's Who site Steph maintains for Mom.

I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

Mike, what you're not-quite remembering is that Liz showed up to the Anthony-Thérèse wedding with her dancing date Dennis North.

Apes

Ugh, whatever

Mom has gotten sum criticism 4 seeming 2 run off the moment Iris got home from her recent trip 2 Calgary, instead of sticking around 4 a bit and giving her a chance 2 decompress. So now she wants every1 2 know that she came by the next morning 2 treat Gramps and Iris to breakfast in bed. "I am SUCH a good daughter, April! Take notes!"

Mom sez that the 1st thing she did was pile a bunch of photo albums on the bed, so Iris and Gramps cd look thru them while Mom prepared their heart-attack food breakfast. Iris told me that while they were looking at sum old pix, Gramps pted 2 sum guy he knew from WWII, and Iris went, "Yes, that's yr friend Ernie. He flew a Lancaster, didn't he." Then Iris told him, "U C? U haven't 4gotten v. much, Jim!" Then she looked again @ the album, which was marked "1940-1947," and sed, "Thank goodness 4 photographs!" And Gramps went, "Yes!" Then they spent a bunch more time going thru that album and others, pting and laughing @ certain pix. Iris held an album called "Our Trip to England" as Gramps looked thru one called "1950-1967," and Iris was all, "The cottage @ Ka[w]kawa Lake!" Gramps sed, "Yes. Yes."

Looking @ more pix, Iris was all, "Here's yr son's graduation! ...The birth of yr 1st grandchild!" I hope they don't have pix of Mike's actual birth, don't U? Then, as Mom wheeled in the brekky cart, Mom was all, "So, how's the history lesson going, Iris?" And Iris went, "Fine, dear, just fine." And as Mom set up the cart and handed Gramps a tea cup, Iris sed, "We've worked our way up to the Middle Ages!" And of course, Mom laughed like that was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

Gah, who calls going thru photo albums a "history lesson"? It mite B "history," but it's not a lesson, since obviously Gramps remembers all the stuff in it when he sees it. Way 2 set up sum super-lame wordplay. Again. Yuck.

Apes

What's not being provided for free?

Dad was pretending to use his computer, and I came up behind him, all, "The rental place called, 'POP'--U can pick up yr tux in the morning." "Pop" is dorky, just like Dad is. Then I went, "HOOO!" Which I learned from Gerald's obnoxious Hoo-boy friend. And then, "U R gonna look sooo sophisticated... soooo el-ee-gant as U walk down the aisle w/Liz on yr arm." "El-ee-gant," of course, is not the normal way 2 pronounce "elegant." It's one of Dad's lame wordplay things. It's kind of like "elegant as rendered by Elly."

Then I leaned an elbow on one of Dad's shoulders and went, "U didn't hafta do that much when Mike and Dee were married... Now U've gotta--how do they say it? ...'Give away the bride'?" The "they" in that sentence referred to the backwards ppl who still C a bride as property 2 B transferred from father to groom.

Apparently, when I walked away and slipped in2 silhouette, Dad was all, "Heck, I'm not 'giving away the bride' ....This thing's costing me a BUNDLE!!!" Huh, Really? Even w/all the freebees Liz is getting? What? Whatever.

Apes

Mom makes us all sorry, eh?

This morning over brekky, Dad sed 2 me, "April, I will tell U a story that shows U sumthing U need 2 understand abt marriage. Last nite, Yr mother and I were getting ready 4 bed, and as I put my Dentist's Choice brand toothpaste on my Excavat-R toothbrush, I sed, 'This wedding's been a lot of work, but U're enjoying it, Rn't U, El.' And yr mother sed, 'Yes. I have 2 admit I am.'" I sed, "Dad, the wedding's been a lot of work 4 every1 but U! And Dad sed, "Sh, let's not go there, yr Mom mite hear and get angry abt that, even tho she hasn't thot 2 get angry abt that yet!" I sed, "Y don't U just help out?" And Dad sed, "The answer 2 'Y' is 'Y.' 'Y' chromosome, that is!" I rolled my eyes.

Then Dad sed, "Well, yr mother continued w/'It makes me think back 2 our wedding. We just walked in2 it, didn't we. We didn't question it... We just went ahead and got married.' I was brushing my teeth, so I didn't answer rite away. As I wiped my chin with a towel, I sed, 'And it's lasted 4 over 30 yrs--so, I guess I've dun all the rite things!' Yr mother, who had been abt 2 brush her teeth, suddenly discarded her toothbrush and sed, 'What do U mean--U've dun all the rite things?!' I put a hand on one of her arms, looked @ her sheepishly, and sed, 'It was a joke! I was kidding! Honey, I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry.' Then a bit later, as we snuggled 2gether in bed, I thot, '....I did the rite thing.'"

I was like, "U mean U sed U were sorry when U really weren't?" And Dad sed, "U betcha. It's called 'diplomacy.' That's what U need in marriage. Diplomacy." And I sed, "U cd also try and avoid making jerky little comments in the 1st place." Dad looked stricken and sed, "If I never made jerky comments, there'd B no makeup snuggles. Don't U know makeup snuggles R the best kind?" And I sed, "Oh, I just remembered, I need 2 B @ the vet clinic early so I can leave early and work on wedding stuff." And Dad sed, "OK, well, don't work 2 hard, buddy!" Blargh.

Apes

Going/Gone

W8 a minute. What?

OK, @ sum pt during all the reminiscing over the past couple of wks, Mom and Liz decided on a d8 & location and sent out invitations. I still have no idea when the wedding is, cuz no1 tells me NEthing. I hope it's not gonna B a day when I've already got plans!

So, here's what happened. Liz was @ our kitchen table, hunched over her papers, while Mom filled yet another mug of coffee. Liz asked, "Have NE more RSVPs come in, Mom?" And Mom sed, "Yes, but we're missing abt 10." Liz, looking a lot like Meredith 4 a moment, went, "I hope they respond soon. I have 2 tell the caterers how many meals 2 prepare." Oh, that's EZ. Pretend all 10 will B there. If they don't show, Mom will eat their meals. NEway, Mom and Liz went in2 silhouette a moment B4 Liz sed, "Y do ppl w8 'til the last minute? How can we plan this if we don't know..." ::snerk:: Pot. Kettle. Liz. I mean, isn't this wedding being "planned" @ the last minute? But Mom didn't say that, instead, she sed, "Relax, honey!" Liz and Mom unsilhouetted, and Liz went, "I CAN'T!" This caused Mom not only 2 get a gobsmacked look on her face, but also 2 lose most of her forehead, so it became at best a .5-head.

Mom went outside 2 the back deck, placed her coffee cup behind her, shrunk, put a spindly rite hand on her rite knee, her left elbow on her left knee, and held her .5-head w/her left hand, mayB wondering how 2 reclaim it. Dad, also shrunken, put his left leg on the bottom step, so he was kinda lunging, and asked Mom, "How's it goin' Hon?" And Mom went, "If U're talking abt my patience .... it's gone." Dad sed, "'Patience' was not the referent of 'it,' and you know it, Elly. Don't play dumb 4 bad wordplay." OK, he didn't say that, but wdn't it have been cool if he had?

Apes

Continued Dress Hijinx

Liz sez she brought the not-Grandma Marian dress over 2 Dee and asked her if she cd make the dress sleeveless. Dee was like, "I can make this in2 a sleeveless dress, Liz--But will yr mom mind if I cut the fabric?" Liz replied that Mom doesn't mind. Of course she doesn't mind! It's not like it's REALLY Marian's dress. This just proves it! And since when is Dee a seemstress?

NEway, Dee had cut off the sleeves and she had Liz put on the dress. Crouching by Liz, pulling @ the side of the dress and doing sum measurements, Dee sed, "Well, this is really happening, isn't it. [Not a question, U C.] U guys R taking the plunge!" Liz was all, "I guess U cd say that!" Dee got up 2 do sum vertical measurements of Liz's boob area, and Liz went, "But we're both good swimmers, Dee." Dee answered, "I know U R, but U're just getting yr feet wet now, Liz...." She put down her tape measure, picked up a pin cushion, and sed, over her shoulder 2 Liz, "And marriage ain't no backyard pool!!"

Oh, Gah, friggin' wordplay again. Pls make it stop!

Apes

Giving Mom "credit"

Ugh, I don't wanna tell U what happened next, after Eva bought that belt, but I guess I kind of have 2.

We were walking from one store 2 another, and Eva was all, "U're not gonna buy NEthing, April?" And I sed, "Nah. I don't have much money." We walked in2 a store, and Eva was like, "I just use my mom's credit card!" I sed, "Well, I hafta use my own cash--unless my mom's with me... an' then she uses her credit card." Eva started 2 look @ sum tank tops displayed on a table, and sed, "Bummer. She ought 2 trust U w/the card, man. I mean U're just gonna get stuff U NEED! And then we silently went 2 the checkout w/a shirt Eva had decided 2 buy, and once we got there, I continued our convo w/"Do U need that shirt?" And she was all, "Not really, but I like it." As we left that store I thought.......... Oh, no. I can't. I can't.

OK, I have 2. I thought, "I should give my mom credit!" Ugh, it was like my brain had been taken over by sum smug 60yo in Corbeil, who can't resist lame wordplay (credit/credit) and has 2 get in a message abt Elly Patterson being the bestest evah!!!!11!! Not only that, but I realize I was starting 2 have judgmental thought bubbles abt Eva, just like I used 2 w/Becky when our friendship was abt 2 go down the pooper. Uh-uh, I'm afraid Eva is abt 2 have the official "Becky" treatment. Next thing U know, Michael will B referring 2 her as "that slattern Eva" and my dad will B saying stuff abt her being 2 ambitious. Or fashionable. Or whatevs.

I'm scared.

Apes

Batten yr hatches--signs pt 2 flashbacks

Oh, no. The next story I have 2 tell U bears all the signs of being the set-up 4 more FLASHBACKS. Why? Why, why, why?!?!?!?!

Well, this is what I hear happened. My mom and Connie, also @ the mall, but away from me and Eva, walked 2gether as Mom was all, "I'm glad U felt like going out 2nite Connie. John's away and I didn't feel like spending the evening alone." Connie sed, "NEtime!" Then, as they approached the coffee stand @ the mall food court, Connie went, "He's still going 2 dental conventions? --I thought he was semi-retired!" And Mom sed, "He is. But he likes 2 keep up." What a stupid xxchange. Of course if he's not 100% retired, Dad shd "keep up." Wd U want 2 go 2 a "semi-retired" dentist who's NOT up 2 d8? Connie, I guess, hasn't had enuf gratuitous reminiscing, so sed this: "I remember when he 1st started his practice and U worked as his assistant!" Mom sent, "He didn't have the money 2 hire one!" Then Mom and Connie walked away from the stand w/their coffees, and Mom added, "...We were living hand-to-mouth." Har-dee-har. NOT.

This is stupid. If Mom then went in2 flashbacks from 1979-80 abt working as Dad's dental assistant, that won't B from when he started his practice and cdn't afford an assistant. It'll B from when Jean Baker was on vacation and Mom subbed 4 her 4 a while.

Apes

When Eva is a Laff Track

I don't even wanna tell U my latest story, cuz it ends w/me making a way lame kinda "wordplay" and I M ashamed. But here goes.

We (Duncan, Eva, and I) were still on the bleachers. I had just been talking abt my plans 4 vet school. Dunc sed, "Ummm...I'm sort of interested in business stuff. I'm also in2 sports... An' travel an' communications." I was listening, but also noticing I had gone eyeless and my body proportions were way off again, like I was built like a 6yo or sumsuch. It was v. v. disturbing!

I sed, "U cd open a travel agency!" And Eva sed, "An' organize worldwide sporting events!" Of course neither Eva nor I knew the slightest abt what it takes to do either of those things, but whatevs. Dunc sed, "Who knows..."

Then he sort of half got up, kinda sticking his butt out like he needed 2 poo. And he sed, "I mean, doors open, rite? U get started in sumthing an' U meet people an' doors open. There's always an open door." Eva had half-stood up, and I was also starting 2 get up as I sed, "Yeah..." Then as Duncan started 2 walk down the bleachers, I told him, "...U just hafta remember 2 let go of the knob!" Yeah, I know, that was stupid and made no sense, but Eva laffed NEhow. Like a laff track.

Zandra, I didn't C yr comment from last nite until this morning. Dunc, OMG, R U OK?

Apes