My mom's not-funny gallows humour
The wedding is tomorrow! Is it wrong that I'm mostly relieved cuz that'll mean I can stop having premonitions abt that day?
Here's what I woke up knowing this time: When Uncle Phil gets 2 the wedding site, Mom will B all, "Phil! I was afraid U were going 2 B l8!" And Phil will take her hand and go, "It was close, Sis!" Cuz Phil, too, will B dorky enuf 2 call his sister "Sis." And Mom will ask him, "How's Dad?" Phil will say, "Not gr8, El--but, he's going 2 pull thru." Then he'll say, "Everything looks so nice! ...How's the bride?" And Mom will B all, "Nervous, giddy, tired... I wish Dad cd B here." Uncle Phil will tell her, "He'll B here in spirit, Sis." Then Mom will decide this is time 2 make a funny. She'll B like, "I thought U sed he was going 2 pull thru!!" And Uncle Phil will smirk @ her.
Howard, ugh, I can't believe we're having the rehearsal dinner @ the Gravy Boat! I can't blame U 4 sobbing when Iris told U that last nite. Not only is it all heart-attack food, but they don't serve a single thing I can eat! I guess I'll B packing a dinner 4 myself. Ugh, I wish Gramps hadn't made me promise not 2 try 2 prevent his heart attack! :(
Apes
Here's what I woke up knowing this time: When Uncle Phil gets 2 the wedding site, Mom will B all, "Phil! I was afraid U were going 2 B l8!" And Phil will take her hand and go, "It was close, Sis!" Cuz Phil, too, will B dorky enuf 2 call his sister "Sis." And Mom will ask him, "How's Dad?" Phil will say, "Not gr8, El--but, he's going 2 pull thru." Then he'll say, "Everything looks so nice! ...How's the bride?" And Mom will B all, "Nervous, giddy, tired... I wish Dad cd B here." Uncle Phil will tell her, "He'll B here in spirit, Sis." Then Mom will decide this is time 2 make a funny. She'll B like, "I thought U sed he was going 2 pull thru!!" And Uncle Phil will smirk @ her.
Howard, ugh, I can't believe we're having the rehearsal dinner @ the Gravy Boat! I can't blame U 4 sobbing when Iris told U that last nite. Not only is it all heart-attack food, but they don't serve a single thing I can eat! I guess I'll B packing a dinner 4 myself. Ugh, I wish Gramps hadn't made me promise not 2 try 2 prevent his heart attack! :(
Apes
Labels: Gramps, Liz, Mom, playing with words, Uncle Phil
posted by April Patterson @ 6:27 AM
8 Comments:
At 8:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
Congratulations! I now hate your Uncle Phil just as much as I hate your mother. I can't wait for Liz to not notice Jim isn't there; then I can hate her even more than I do now.
At 10:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, u wunted me 2 remind u. bridesmaid’s tea @1 @the country kitchen. i am definitely not there 4 that 1, since i am not a bridesmaid. howevs, i am definitely ur d8 4 2nite @the rehearsal dinner, aftah the rehearsal iz ovah, & i’ll have our food 4 us. i assume the rehearsal will b ovah quick, cuz frum listenin’ 2 ur mom talk ovah brekkie this mornin’, it sounded like ur fam wuz still w8in’ 4 sum1 2 volunteer 2 run the rehearsal cuz ur mom & ur sis were definitely not gonna do it. fyi, i am not gonna run the rehearsal. i don’t care how much ur mom wuz hintin’ i shud do it. i do not know nethin’ ‘bout weddin’ order or that kinda stuff.
& wut wuz this biz ur mom wuz talkin’ ‘bout how she managed 2 get anthony’s mom 2 pay 4 the rehearsal dinner, but not 2 show up 4 the rehearsal dinner? i didn’t get that @all. i mean, isn’t the rehearsal dinner the big time 4 all the families 2 meet & stuff? thass just weird. cuz u know u have been predictin’ this weddin’ 4 like 2 weeks now & have u noticed, u haven’t had 1 prediction where u managed 2c anthony’s mom? i wondah if she’z rilly alive, or if she’s like the mom in psycho, where it wuz rilly the son dressed up like his dead mom? if ic anthony’s mom & she’z dressed like anthony in a bad dress & a wig, i am gonna watch out 4 knives. i’m just sayin’ it’s not normal 2 not meet the othah fam.
At 12:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I loved your premonition today. Isn’t our mother wonderful? Some mothers might fall apart with the strain of knowing their father is in hospital after a heart attack. Some mothers might not be able to mask the pain, so people would start to suspect something had happened. Some mothers might even try to postpone a wedding until it had been determined that their father was definitely not going to die.
Not our mother. She is made of sterner stuff. When Uncle Phil was trying to get all maudlin with his “He’ll be here in spirit, sis”, who was the one who remembered how to keep a secret when talking about secret things in a public venue: Mom, of course.
"I thought you said he was going to pull through!!" That is brilliant and funny and so mom. It is such a blessing to have a mother who knows just the right thing to say before a wedding. Don’t you agree?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:47 PM,
howard said…
April,
Beatrice and I were just over at Mayes Midtown Motors Country Kitchen. We needed to get the exact shades of teal and lavender to use for the table decorations for your sister’s wedding from Tracey Mayes, and she wanted to meet us there. While we were eating, the lady who works at the Country Kitchen as the behind-the-counter seller of cinnamon buns, set out white tablecloths and tea cups for your sister’s bridesmaids’ tea. At one o’clock, she put up a sign that signed “Closed for private party”.
Neither you nor your mother or sister had shown up yet, so I don’t know what the story is behind that. I am sure you will have something to say later. But while I was sitting there listening to Tracey Mayes regale Beatrice about her plans for the marriage between her son Paul and our daughter, María, I could not help but overhear the conversation taking place between the bridesmaids Dawn, Shawna-Marie and Candace. This is how it went:
Dawn: A bridesmaids’ tea. This is nice, considering April told me she got her boyfriend to arrange this yesterday.
Shawna-Marie: Oh, I hate this place. Anthony Caine manages it, and you can’t come in here without him popping in to talk with you.
Dawn: That’s funny. Anthony used to be so quiet when he was in high school. I don’t know about you, but I am glad this week is almost over. Taking over the planning for this wedding has worn me out. Can you believe I have been away from Ottawa for almost a month doing this?
Shawna-Marie: Girl, you know I do. This wedding is definitely testing my friendship.
Dawn: Is your husband, Brian coming to the wedding?
Shawna-Marie: He doesn’t want to come. He still remembers what Elizabeth and Anthony put us through for our wedding, when they ran off during the reception, and we spent half the night looking for them to make sure they weren’t dead. He can skip the ceremony if he wants; but he doesn’t show up for the dancing, he’s a dead man.
Dawn: My husband, David didn’t want to come either, but he’s supposed to come in tonight.
Shawna-Marie: Well, look what the cat dragged in. Is that Candace Halloran?
Dawn: Didn’t you hear? She’s the maid of honour.
Shawna-Marie: Ha! Well things are looking up! You know how I said that this wasn’t going to be one of those weddings where the maid of honour tells the bride about how she slept with the groom? I just changed my mind.
Candace: What's up, girlfriends? Are you ready for a kicking wedding?
Shawna-Marie: I see you’re back to candy apple red hair.
Candace: Red is da bomb. Everyone likes my do. It’s really glam.
Dawn: Didn’t see you around helping plan this wedding?
Candace: That was a no brainer. Do I look like a wedding planner type?
Dawn: You still could have helped.
Candace: Whatever.
Dawn: So, Candace. You’re the maid of honour.
Candace: Elizabeth and I were roomies in university. We bonded.
Shawna-Marie: Did you ever try to take her boyfriends, like you did in high school?
Candace: No. I even set her up with this guy, Eric, who was all that and a bag of chips.
Dawn: What?
Candace: He was good-looking, eh?
Shawna-Marie: You set her up with the guy who cheated on her?
Candace: He was busted, when Liz caught him with another girl. That didn’t have anything to do with me.
Dawn: Nice. Why does she like you again?
Candace: I keep it real. I hooked with a dorky guy. I am not competition. Not like you two.
Dawn: Competition?
Shawna-Marie: You were the one who went with Anthony to that dance in high school, when you said you were going to help out Elizabeth with him. Did you ever tell Liz how you seduced him?
Candace: Whoa, girl! Let’s keep that on the down low.
Shawna-Marie: Then don’t say I was competition for Liz.
Candace: Girlfriend. Don’t act all innocent with me. Everyone knows you and Anthony hooked up after Liz broke up with him after the first year of university.
Dawn: What? I never heard this.
Shawna-Marie: You were in Ottawa by then. Liz broke up with Anthony and Troy broke up with me, and I was free. I hadn’t started dating Brian yet. Anthony had loads of money then, because he worked for Gordon Mayes all summer and Gordon paid him a lot. The Pattersons invested in Gordon’s business and he told Anthony he was guaranteed a job after university. He planned to stay in Milborough. I planned to stay in Milborough. Anthony looked pretty good back then. But he wasn’t over Liz. He called me Liz one too many times at the wrong time.
Dawn: What? You and Anthony?
Shawna-Marie: It was just the summer of 2000, after he broke up with Liz. When school started, he was back at Western and I was back at Brock and it was over.
Dawn: I can’t believe you did that. With Anthony. That’s horrible.
Shawna-Marie: Don’t get all high and mighty with me. Remember the Ice Cream Circus?
Dawn: I was only 15 and it was just one time.
Shawna-Marie: It was the summer when Liz was forced by her parents to go to Winnipeg to her Auntie’s ranch to work. Dawn and I worked together at the Ice Cream Circus, and one day Anthony came in around closing time.
Dawn: Please don’t tell this story. Anthony had been closely tied to Liz’s family all the while she was away at her Auntie’s farm and it seemed very romantic to me at the time.
Candace: So, you and Anthony were knocking boots at the Ice Cream Circus.
Dawn: What? Knocking boots? What does that mean?
Shawna-Marie: Do you still think Anthony is romantic?
Dawn: Hell no! The summer Elizabeth was attacked, the jerk took her to a park and asked Elizabeth to wait for him to get divorced so he could be with her.
Shawna-Marie: All that time I thought his first wife was a jealous bitch, and it turned out she was right the whole time.
Candace: And Elizabeth told me the man had the nerve to blame his wife for not taking care of their child when she was suffering from severe post-partum depression.
Dawn: Asshole!
Shawna-Marie: Jerk!
Candace: Slacker!
Dawn: Why are we letting Elizabeth marry this guy?
Shawna-Marie: Do you think telling her our stories would stop her?
Candace: No way. I saw a picture of the First Nations dude she dropped to chase after Anthony and he was so fine. She would go for Anthony no matter what we said. Let’s make a pact, girls. We are never going to tell Elizabeth these stories, OK, no matter what happens.
Dawn: Secret Forever. Forever! Forever!
Shawna-Marie: Secret Forever. Forever! Forever!
Candace: Secret Forever. Forever! Forever!
Then Beatrice said to me, “Howard. It’s rude to eavesdrop. Let’s go now. We have table decorations to make.”
That’s the conversation I overheard. I thought you might want to know.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 3:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i can't xxplain how my mom worked things so antman's mom wd pay but not go. gd pt abt if she loox like anthony in drag.
mike, no, i don't agree. c the title of 2day's post.
howard, so that's y dawn, shawna-marie, and candace looked so shifty when liz, mom, and i finally got there. omg, liz was having a breakdown! i cdn't believe how long it took 2 calm her down. she was kind of shrieking and talking gibberish, and whenever we tried 2 get her 2 speak more clearly, she'd scream, "STOP!" it was v. disturbing.
apes
At 6:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
we r @ the rehearsal dinner. it's, um, oh, man. it's kind of what u wd xxpect from a rehearsal dinner @ the gravy boat. glad jeremy and i have our own food!
apes
At 8:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, u kinda left out the part ‘bout the rehearsal. that wuz awful. i wuz w8in’ 4u2 come 2 the dinner & no1 wuz there, so i hadda go 2 where u were rehearsin’. every1 wuz standin’ ‘round doin’ nothin’ & i sed, “y isn’t ne1 doin’ nethin’?” & u sed, “no1 wunts 2b the villain. whoevah runz the weddin’ rehearsal iz a villain.” i sed, “ur kiddin’” & u sed, “no. runnin’ a weddin’ rehearsal iz the job only 4 a serious villain.” finally i just sed i wud do it just 2 get it done. it’s not like i haven’t been a villain b4. then ur mom handed me a book titled, “wedding rehearsalz 4 villains.” i thot it wud @least say, “4 dummiez”.
the book sez, rehearse the recessional 1st. put every1 where they r gonna stand durin’ the ceremony. i thot ur mom wuz gonna keel ovah & die wen i sed that aftah ur dad walks ur sis 2 the front, he’z supposed 2 sit by his wife. ur mom wuz like, “no, that spot is 4 connie. can’t john stand in the front by anthony?” & ur sis wuz like, “mom. if dad standz b-side anthony, then how will i tell them apart?” & ur mom wuz like, “i dunno. hair colour?” & ur sis wuz like, “rite. like thass enuff.” finally ur mom agreed ur dad cud sit b-side her.
then there wuz the whole biz w/the flower girls. the book sez, if there r 2 flower girls, one stands in fronta the maid of honour & one stands in fronta the 1st bridesmaid. who woulda figured candace halloran wuz so scary-lookin’ merrie and francie had an argument ovah who wud hafta stand in fronta her? not me. but @least the compromise of standing the flower girlz in fronta the 1st & 2nd bridesmaid ended an argument between shawna-marie & dawn ovah who wuz the 1st & 2nd bridesmaid. every1 agreed u were the 3rd bridesmaid. no shock there. y ur sis didn’t wanna tell shawna-marie & dawn which order they were in, i dunno. i hadda flip a loonie & have them call it.
then there wuz the part in the recession, where aftah the weddin’ party haz recessed, the bride’s ‘rents go 1st, then the groom’s ‘rents, then bride’s grandparents, & then groom’s grandparents. ‘course none of the groom’s peeps r there. & i hadda say, “wut’s gonna happ 2morrow wen the groom’s ‘rents & grandparents 4 here? how r they gonna know wut 2 do? & ur mom wuz like, “mebbe they won’t b here @all. wudn’t that b perfect?”
then there wuz those fake ringz on the ring-bearer’s pillow. wen ur foresaw ur dad carryin’ a ring on the weddin’ day, i wudn’t have thot it wuz cuz ur nephew 8 the fake 1s. but he did. now i know y every1 iz protectin’ the real ringz frum him.
‘course ur sis & anthony were like “i can’t say a vow & put on a ring @the same time.” i mean wen he wud talk, he wud stop movin’. i thot he wud nevah get the ring on her.
& the vows. wow! that wuz weird wen anthony wuz practicing the vow. it think it’s supposed 2b:
in the name of god, i, anthony, take you, elizabeth, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. this is my solemn vow.
but anthony got 2 the part “to love and to cherish” & he sed, “do i hafta say the word ‘love’? i don’t wanna turn on the treacle.” & the priest sed, “u hafta say the word ‘love’. it’s a weddin’. peeps wunt treacle.” & anthony sed, “can’t i just say, ‘2 cherish’.” the priest sed, “no. no. u can’t.” & anthony sed, “how ‘bout ‘admire’? that went on 4 awhile. i dunno if i have seen a priest get that mad b4. finally ur mom sed all he rilly hadta do wuz 2 get 2 the part where he sez, “for better or for worse.”
glad it’s ovah. every1 looked like they h8ed me, which i guess iz the way it’s supposed 2 happ. every1 but u, cuz u told me i looked rilly sexy runnin’ a weddin’ rehearsal. i am tryin’ 2 think of that az a compliment, but there’z a guy part of me which rilly iz not sure ‘bout that.
At 9:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i can't even begin 2 thank u enuf 4 taking over the rehearsal like u did, even tho it meant being considered a "villain" sum more. hm, actually, i can think of sum ways the thank u, once this crayzee rehearsal dinner is wrapped up.
apes
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