Smooth Ride/Lobotomized Bride
So again I woke up knowing sum more abt what will happen on Liz's wedding day, which is now 5 days away. It will B time 4 the bridal party 2 pile in2 the limo, and so sum1 will B all, "The limousine is here, ladies!" As Liz climbs in2 that thing as tho she's climbing up a mountain, sum1 behind her will B like, "R U OK, Liz?" And Liz will B all, "I think so--I'm trying not 2 step on my dress!" Dawn will say, "Let me help U!" Shawna-Marie will say, "Don't mess her hair!" Candace will B all, "Who's got the bouquet?" And Meredith will ask, "When can I get in?"
Once every1's inside, it'll B Liz between me and Shawna-Marie, and @ the other (front) end of the limo will Be Merrie, Dawn, Candace, Francie and Robin. Candace will tell the driver, "Ready!!" Dawn will B in silhouette 2 Candace's rite when she sez that."
Then, once the limo gets moving, I'll tell Liz, "Well, Sis... we're rolling!" I'll B one of those dorks who actually calls her sister "Sis." ::puke:: And Liz will say, "And I think it's going 2 B a smooth ride." And Candace will B in silhouette, Merrie will have a wary look in her eye, Dawn will B unseen, except mayB by wary Merrie, and, inexplicably, Francie and Robin will laff like Liz's joke is funnier than Mr. Noodle doing something v. v. silly on the "Elmo's World" part of Sesame Street.
And apparently, Mom will have followed Uncle Phil's orders not 2 tell the bride (or probably NE1 else in the bridal party) abt Gramps and the heart attack.
Apes
P.S. Dunc, don't feel bad abt spilling the news that I'll get that super-early acceptance 2 Guelph. If Mom didn't want me 2 know, she shdn't have bragged 2 my mom. Tho, in my favour, I noticed that Guelph seems a bit farther away than Burlington. And my fam is always saying that Burlington (which is where Mira and Wilf Sobinski, Dee's parents, live) is waaaaaay 2 far 2 visit. So I guess that will make Guelph uncommutable so I will HAVE 2 live in the dorms! Ha, logic! :)
Once every1's inside, it'll B Liz between me and Shawna-Marie, and @ the other (front) end of the limo will Be Merrie, Dawn, Candace, Francie and Robin. Candace will tell the driver, "Ready!!" Dawn will B in silhouette 2 Candace's rite when she sez that."
Then, once the limo gets moving, I'll tell Liz, "Well, Sis... we're rolling!" I'll B one of those dorks who actually calls her sister "Sis." ::puke:: And Liz will say, "And I think it's going 2 B a smooth ride." And Candace will B in silhouette, Merrie will have a wary look in her eye, Dawn will B unseen, except mayB by wary Merrie, and, inexplicably, Francie and Robin will laff like Liz's joke is funnier than Mr. Noodle doing something v. v. silly on the "Elmo's World" part of Sesame Street.
And apparently, Mom will have followed Uncle Phil's orders not 2 tell the bride (or probably NE1 else in the bridal party) abt Gramps and the heart attack.
Apes
P.S. Dunc, don't feel bad abt spilling the news that I'll get that super-early acceptance 2 Guelph. If Mom didn't want me 2 know, she shdn't have bragged 2 my mom. Tho, in my favour, I noticed that Guelph seems a bit farther away than Burlington. And my fam is always saying that Burlington (which is where Mira and Wilf Sobinski, Dee's parents, live) is waaaaaay 2 far 2 visit. So I guess that will make Guelph uncommutable so I will HAVE 2 live in the dorms! Ha, logic! :)
Labels: Candace, Dawn, Françoise, Liz, Merrie, playing with words, Robin, Shawna-Marie
posted by April Patterson @ 6:33 AM
12 Comments:
At 7:01 AM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
Swell bunch of people, your parents. They're almost as swell as RoboLiz. You just know that she's gonna being standing there pitching a fit as people abandon her to be with Grandpa Jasper/Jake/Jack/Jock/WhatEVER!! and she's going to be looking for someone to blame. That someone is going to be the person who "told" her to have her wedding now. That means you've just develop a bad case of bull's-eye on the forehead.
At 9:30 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, dc2, i didn't even think of that. 0_o
apes
At 9:58 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Your prognostication is infuriating. I thought we were going to have a hospital wedding and I rewrote my speech and started to look forward to a limousine ride to the hospital for a relocated wedding ceremony. Now all I really know is I am going to have to listen to my wife, the lovely Deanna, complain that she will have to take all the kids from our house, where you prognosticated they would be last Thursday, back to mom’s house in order to get them on that limousine.
I decided to settle the matter about Grandpa Jim and called up mom. I went over to see mom about it. I said, “Mom. Why aren’t we going to have a hospital wedding after Grandpa Jim has his heart attack? That would make for a much better story.” Mom seemed perturbed and she said, “Mike. No one dies. We have been told that no one dies. My father could have 12 heart attacks and 15 strokes and accidentally swallow a sharp knife while eating prime rib, but it will not kill him. Your sister, however, will look for any excuse not to get married, and we are not going to give it to her. Don’t you dare mention this to Elizabeth! Do not even suggest to her that something might happen which will keep her wedding from being a smooth ride. I plan to take all of the last minute problems on myself; because you know that nitwit Mira Sobinski will lose the flowers for the flower girls or she won’t be able to find a brush, and Elizabeth will cancel the wedding because of it. I don’t care how good a story it will be, Michael James Patterson, you keep your big mouth shut!” I said, “That’s Michael Thomas Patterson.” The mom growled at me and that was it.
Fortunately, I did not destroy my old speech, and I will use it. I am disappointed I don’t get to have a limousine ride.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, good 2 hear frum ur blog comment ur plannin’ 2 live in the dormz @UGuelph insteada commutin’. i thot we talked ‘bout gettin’ an apt 2gethah, if i got my acceptance next spring. rilly, my grades r not az good az urs, so prolly i won’t get accepted. ur smart 2 think ahead like i won’t get accepted. dorm life will b a lot more fun than livin’ w/sum guy who wuzn’t smart enuff 2 get in.
At 10:48 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, i didn't mean nething like that abt living in dorms. i was only thinking "living in dorms" =/= commuting. i still want us 2 plan on getting an apt 2gether. i just kinda spaced and 4got we cdn't room 2gether in the dorms. or mayB we can? i dunno, i have been a bit confused l8ly, moving betw. having all the weird premonitions and also trying 2 live my own life in the present tense. i think i'll b a bit relieved on 24 august, when i get 2 go back 2 telling stuff that's already happened.
apes
At 1:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, we can room 2gether in the married-student housin’ @uguelph, if we r married. they have coed dormz, but thass not girl & boyz in the same room. plus the dorm stuff iz only guaranteed ur freshman year & aftah that they do a lottery 4 spots the freshmen don’t take. the guy we talked 2 sed there wuz not much competition 4 married-student housin’ so the lottery wuz no big deal if we got married. we talked ‘bout not evah gettin’ married, cuz the happiest couples u know r the onez who don’t, like u nevah c josef weeder & carleen stein, or candace halloran & rudy dodd or lawrence poirier & nick browne havin’ probz. thass ok, cuz u know i just wanna b w/u. but if we r not married, then we can’t get married-student housin’ @guelph.
i completely agree w/u ‘bout the commutin’ & wen the guy we talked 2 sed 67% of the students who attend uguelph commute, we both agreed we wud not mention that 2 ur mom. but there’s sum stuff that makes me nervous. 1st is this biz w/duncan anderson & the witch mebbe movin’ 2 dundas. dundas iz only a 30-minute drive frum guelph. if he’z rite, plus u have alreddy been accepted, that makes me rilly suspicious. thass 2 close 2b a coincidence.
2nd iz u know grade 12 in mboro iz the year wen mosta the couples get married or break up & or get engaged 2b married 2 sum1 who got dumped. i know u have a lot goin’ on w/ur sis gettin’ married & ur grandpa iz gonna have hiz heart attack, but wen u start talkin’ ‘bout livin’ in dormz & stuff, it makes me wondah if ur havin’ 1 of those freudian slips ‘bout wut u rilly wanna do & mebbe u wanna find sum1 better’n me.
At 1:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, it wasn't @ all abt finding sum1 "better." u r the best!!!
that dundas stuff does sound shady. i guess we'll hafta c what dunc can find out.
apes
At 4:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, no, ur the best. i luv u. i wuz just b-in' st00pid. i can't w8 till we have our own place in guelph.
At 7:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I told my lovely wife, Deanna, about your prognostication for Elizabeth’s wedding day, and she was very concerned. I said, “Is it because the children are leaving in the limousine without you?” She said, “No, Mike. According to her prediction, April will be there with the kids, and she can handle them.” I said, “Is it because this means you will be left at mom’s house to deal with mom and your beastly mother?” She said, “No, Mike. I expect your mom and Connie Poirier will be the next to leave for the wedding and most likely mom will not travel with them or sit with them or talk to them. She has a thing against homosexuals, as you know.” I said, “Is it because your friend Carleen Stein, with her newly-found powers of hairdressing, will try to get you to change your hairstyle for the wedding?” She said, “No, Mike. If you would shut up for a minute, I will tell you. It should be obvious.”
I made my usual claim that what is obvious to a writer is not necessarily what is obvious to a wife. She conceded the point and said, “Mike. It was the word ‘limousine’.” I said, “There’s something wrong with the word?” She said, “I just realized when April predicted the future today, she used the word ‘limousine.’ Yesterday, she did the same thing when she mentioned that our son would say the word, ‘limousine’.” I said, “You can’t mean…” She said, “Yes, Mike. The whole word. Every syllable. Correctly pronounced.” I said, “He said a French word? And not the Anglicized equivalent of it?” She said, “I guess it is French.”
I suddenly realized with a clarity which often accompanies a great vision. I see my son chasing after a Quebecoise girl and laughing as she seduces him with her elegant dance moves. I see him sitting beside her in the limo and laughing at her jokes. I suddenly realize that there is no blood relationship between him and the little Quebecoise which would legally prevent them from someday marrying. I spoke to Deanna my fear. I said, “Cheeze, no! Not my son! Not with a Quebecoise! Is there nothing that can be done?”
My wife, the lovely Deanna said, “I see you have come to the same conclusion I have, although by a much different and less rational route. I have noticed that ever since little Francie has been spending more time with our children, thanks to the flower girl dress fittings with mother, his language has gotten better. Francie has a great, gift for language and I think it would be to our kids’ benefit to spend more time with her.” My response could only be, “Have you gone insane? A Quebecoise childhood sweetheart for my son?” My wife said, “No, Mike. They will be cousins after Elizabeth marries Anthony. Not sweethearts. I think it would be good for our son to be around a child his age, who speaks well.” I said, “No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins. It is also legal throughout Canada and Mexico to marry your cousin. The USA is the only western country with cousin marriage restrictions. If you insist on doing this, we will have to move him to the USA when he gets to be 11-years-old, dating age. And we can’t move to some backwards, primitive state where it is also legal, like New York. We need to go a more sensible state like Arizona.”
Deanna said, “Your mother will want to have all her grandchildren together for every holiday. You can’t move to the USA. Besides, your mother spends all her time with Connie Poirier, who has a French last name.” I said, “Nonsense. Connie Poirier is not Quebecoise. Mom will understand why we would have to move. She knows what is important. I don’t know why you don’t understand. Do want my son to be married to a wife who will entrance him with her dancing and piano-playing, force him to dress properly in public, and cut his food before he eats it? The thought of it is simply unbearable.” My wife said, “Do you want a son who can barely speak and whose favourite activity is to spend the day lying in or eating dirt? I said, “That’s still better than marrying a Quebecoise.” My wife said, “Mike, they are only 3 years old.”
Argue as I would, she would not bend. So, my son will learn how to pronounce French words properly. So, he may stop eating dirt. Is that worth the loss of his soul?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, <3 <3 <3 :)
mike, i have 2 side w/dee. u know, marrying cousins mite not b illegal, but most of us consider it squicky nonetheless. even cousin laura thinks so. just teach robin and francie that's it's squicky and gross, and they won't ever marry each other. simple!
and connie is so from quebec.
apes
At 9:11 PM,
howard said…
April,
What is "lobomized"? My wife, Beatrice, who is much better read than I am, tells me it is like "lobotomized" except with more wolf. Is she telling the truth? She does word etymology jokes on me all the time thanks to her degree in archaeology.
By the way, Beatrice would like me to let you know that she has a sister in Guelph, who might have an apartment available in Fall, 2009 to rent, if you don't mind basement apartments. I know your family has a thing about having a middle-aged, ethnic woman nearby; and she would fit the bill for that nicely, as she is Argentinean, like Beatrice. You should let Beatrice know if you are interested, and she can arrange for you to see the place.
By the way, I am still depressed about your grandfather's upcoming heart attack. I have a feeling this is going to be the excuse to get him into Sunset Manor.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 9:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, "lobomized" is a typo i make when i am trying 2 write "lobotomized" but haven't had enuf coffee. i've fixed it.
i will def. check out the apt. but i don't have ne special "thing" 4 middle-aged ethnic landladies.
i m also v. depressed abt gramps. i wanna make it not happen, but i promised gramps i wdn't do nething like that. :(
apes
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