April's Real Blog

Sunday, August 10, 2008

MayB it's something about the house?

Well, I didn't wake up 2day w/a premonition abt the wedding day, 23 August. I dunno if that's cuz I was up l8 w/Liz's bridal shower and then slept l8, 2, or if it's just cuz Sundays R different in our world. I kinda think it's "Sunday's R different."

But don't worry, I still have a story 2 share w/U. This is sumthing Dee told us last nite @ the shower, rite after Liz passed out. She sed that when Liz was having her final fitting of the not-Marian gown, Merrie and Robin came in as Dee was struggling w/the zipper and Merrie giggled. Dee told Merrie, "Come on, guys... Find sumthing else 2 do!" I'm not sure Y the kids giggling in the doorway is such an awful thing 2 do, but whatevs.

Apparently, she knew that the 1st thing they'd do is settle in front of the TV, and 4 sum reason, this offended her, 2, cuz she went, "And don't go plunking yourselves down in front of the tV!" Next, she knew they'd go 4 sum snacks, and she didn't want this either, so she was all, "And don't go grubbing around in the fridge!!" Then she knew they'd go out w/buckets and shovels 2 play in the sandbox, and so she went, "U're wearing good clothes, so don't get dirty!!" Next thing she knew, she was looking out the window, espying Merrie and Robin, totally naked, playing in the sprinkler."

Dee told us, "I felt my mouth fall open, gaping, my eyes bugged out, and my entire posture...." She waited a moment as she saw Mom going 2 use the washroom, and then she sed, "I felt that I looked like a short-haired, blonde Elly Patterson! My 'short' hair was even trying 2 arrange itself in2 a bun, which it cdn't, but it tried!" And I told her, "I don't want 2 scare U, but that whole thing U described, that's xxactly how Mom wda dealt w/the situation." And Tracey Mayes said, "Really, Deanna, if U objected 2 all the things U knew yr children wd want 2 do, Y didn't U just tell them sumthing U didn't object 2? Like 'Hey kids, how about U colour in yr colouring books.'" Dee said, "I don't know. It seems as though just a few yrs ago, I wd have 'thought' of that." And I sed, "MayB it's the house." And everyone kind of nodded, xxcept 4 Liz, who was still passed out. And then Mom came outta the washroom and said, "What's everyone agreeing abt?" And Dee said, "The house has a powerful effect on me." And Mom kinda puffed up w/pride and sed, "Of course it does! I put many years of 'Elly Patterson' in that house." And everyone kind of xxchanged secret looks.

Thanx 4 yr compliment abt my hair, Beatrice! I loved having it down and flat-ironed--I wish I cd wear it like that all the time!


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  • At 11:46 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, wen u sed how ur sil sed, "the house has a powerful effect on me", it gave me a chill. i remembah wen i wud come ovah 2 help u baby-sit ovah there. i nevah mentioned it b4, but everytyme i wuz there, i started 2 get theze urges. like i wunted 2 play w/model trainz & say sexist thingz & get a coffee cup thrown @my head. 4tun8ly, i cud ignore thoze urges, cuz u give me evn stronger urges than thoze. but if i lived in that house 24-7, i dunno wut wud happ. i'm glad u don't live there nemore.

    i also rilly liked ur hair last nite. it wuz so pretty & u looked better'n i've evah seen u. wen u got up this mornin' & it rebunned itself, thass y i started snifflin' a little. it duzn't sound like a v. guy thing 2 cry ovah hair, but i cudn't help myself.

  • At 12:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, i did more than sniff a bit when my hair rebunned. i all out bawled. i stood in front of the washroom mirror, remembering how pretty my hair was last nite, and sobbed till my tear ducts were drained. i know it's kind of a lame thing 2 cry so hard over my hair, but i m so sick of my hair curse!

    it's scary 2 think abt the evil power of the old house. i wonder if mike is going 2 develop a train fetish.


  • At 2:21 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    It's entirely possible that Mike will indeed start to develop a fixation on model trains. You should read his novels closely to see if detailed descriptions of locomotives start appearing. If they do, the house has taken over his brain.

  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    reading mike's novels closely? well, i'm not that curious abt finding out whether he's developing a train fetish!


  • At 4:18 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You think my lovely wife Deanna’s story is exactly how mom would have dealt with the situation. Honestly, April, do you even know our mother?

    First off, mom would have told Elizabeth to put on some underwear so she could take her wedding dress on and off with exposing herself. Second, mom would never say, “Come on, guys…find something else to do!” She would unhinge her jaw and scream about respecting someone’s privacy until the kids left. Third, mom would never object to grubbing around in the fridge. That’s how she serves a lot of her meals. Fourth, mom would never buy clothes for her kids you couldn’t get dirty.

    The way Deanna was acting was much more like how her own mother, the monstrous and malignant Mira would behave. Mira would object to eating right out of a fridge. Mira would want to limit the children’s TV watching. Mira would buy clothes for kids you couldn’t wash. Mira would react to all these things without one single unhinged jaw or shrieking.

    My wife is slowly turning into her mother, and unfortunately not ours. However, I will admit it is nice of you to tell Deanna she was acting like our mother and not her mother, or she would get very depressed. Just like I got very depressed when I heard that story.

    I don’t want to be married to Mira. I want to be married to our mother. I can see Elizabeth becoming more and more like mom every day, and it’s all I can do to restrain my envy of Anthony Caine. I think I need to lie down.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I think what Deanna may be experiencing is what I have heard referred to as the Milborough body switch. It happens when a person with a particular body shape needs to have a different body shape for a special occasion. For example, Beatrice told me that your sister Elizabeth has been looking a lot more petite since she began wedding preparations. She also said that your mother is the most attractive she has ever seen her. But she did say that she noticed your sister-in-law, who normally has a very nice figure, looked a little like she had your mother’s figure last night. She said the other ladies at the bridal shower attributed that to the Milborough body switch, and also said that we could expect your sister-in-law to be looking her worst for the wedding (i.e. looking like your mom used to look.) It should be over with as soon as the wedding is done, if that’s any consolation to your sister-in-law.

    By the way, we just saw your niece running down the street naked and chewing on a stick of butter. Should we try to stop her?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, mike sez he wants 2 b married 2 mom and is jealous of anthony 4 marrying liz. i have a sick, sick fam.

    oh, and mike, have u 4gotten that there were various times when mom wd decide she wanted 2 limit yr and liz's tv watching, so she'd send u outside 2 do sumthing else? one of those times, u, liz, and lawrence pretended that a box was a tv. liz and lawrence got frustrated cuz u wdn't let them have turns making up the tv shows.

    rite after howard posted, i called him up and asked him 2 pls catch merrie and take her back 2 dee. thanx 4 doing that, howard!


  • At 7:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    also, mike? u r getting 2 hung up on specifics, as usual (tho if i had the time 2 go thru all our old photo albums, i m sure i cd find evidence of mom doing each of the things u claim she'd never do). the bigger pt is that it's totally mom-like to just keep saying what NOT 2 do, w/out giving sum suggestions abt what it IS ok 2 do. so like mom!


  • At 1:50 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I had another moment where I foresaw something from Elizabeth’s wedding day and it is my delight to share it with you. As you may or may not remember, in addition to delivering a magnificent speech at Elizabeth’s wedding, it was decided to also take advantage of my celebrity status and have me act as a greeter and seater. Plus I could sign a few copies of my latest novel, Blood Cargo, if necessary. When people come to the wedding, I will say, “Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” and then I seat them in the seats on the left if they say, “Bride” and the seats on the right if they say, “Groom.” Or is that the other way around? I am sure I will get it right by the wedding day. Mom said I could reshuffle the guests if it turned out there was no one who would claim to be a friend of the groom, which mom thinks is likely.

    Back to my foretelling. I am standing there at the wedding ceremony location, looking good. I had already seated an Asian woman and her stalker and they were almost sitting in their chairs the right way. Then a First Nations man, and a lighter-coloured woman show up. My initial thought was that this was the constable Liz used to date, whom I never met. I thought he was there to flaunt the fact he found another almost-white woman to date in front of Elizabeth on her wedding day. Only he made a mistake, because this woman was a lot fatter and uglier than Liz is. I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

    I figured I could probably take him, if he made trouble. I was getting ready to spring into action, knock him on the ground, and give his ear a good tweaking; when it occurred to me that this was not the first responsibility of the greeter. First you greet. Then you tackle.

    They came up to me and said, “Excuse me, is this the Patterson-Caine wedding?” I responded with “Yes! Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” in perfect greeter fashion. The man said, “Friends of the bride!” “Ha!”, I thought. "You’re no friend of the bride, cowardly ex-boyfriend. Get ready to eat a Michael Patterson knuckle sandwich.” Then he said, “…We’re from Mtigwaki, the village where she taught…” I was about to slam him to the ground, when I suddenly remembered that there were actually people from that place Liz invited to her wedding. My mind flashed quickly down the guest list. What were their names? It would be so impressive of me, if I could remember their names without asking or looking at the guest list. I remembered it was a bird name, and it started with “cr”. I thought, “Crake? Crab plover? Crossbill? Crow?” Then I thought, “Crow. That has to be it, because that sounds just like one of those First Nation names.” So, I said, “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Crow!” They didn’t say they weren’t, so I knew I got it right. Score one for Michael Patterson. I grabbed a lavender chair and said in my best greeter voice, “Welcome! Please sit down. Elizabeth will be so glad you came!” I foretell those greeter lines will come so naturally to me.

    As they sit down, I notice Lawrence Poirier is standing next me. Obviously he was amused that I did not immediate recognize one of Elizabeth’s friends with close to the same skin colour as he has. I explain, “My sister has a lot of friends, Lawrence. Some of them I’ve never met before!” Lawrence responds with a great joke, “That’s the thing about weddings, Mike…It unites the ‘Who’s Who’ with the ‘Who’s that?’” What great joke, playing on the word “Who.” I foresee myself laughing a lot at that one. I’m not laughing at it now; but I foresee I will find it very funny.

    That’s where it ends. Isn’t that a great prediction? I am going to find out that Liz has friends I don’t know. Who would have thought it was possible?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    Speaking of "Who's Who", I wonder how long it will be before the Witch of Corbeil or Steph will go in and inadvertently change the Who's Who of Gary and Vivian Crane (which are their real names) to "Gary and Vivian Crow". I believe names get changed in your town more frequently than anyone who ends up having to go through the Witness Protection Program here in the States.


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