April's Real Blog

Monday, August 04, 2008

Flash Forward to the Wedding Day

Even though Liz's wedding is going to be on August 23, I already know what's going to happen. Well, I don't know everything that's going to happen, but suddenly, I know a bit abt what Mom and Connie will discuss as Mom outfits herself for the wedding. I can't xxplain Y this is, but I have a feeling that on each day leading up 2 the wedding, I'll know just a lil bit more of what's going 2 happen on "big" day.

NEway, here's what I know so far. Mom will B putting on her lipstick and saying, "This is all happening so fast, Connie." Connie will go, "Everything happens fast, El." Then Mom will turn 2 Connie and say, "How do I look? --Is this outfit too 'Mother of the Bride'?" Connie will answer her, "U look great! And--U ARE the mother of the bride!" Which will B weird, cuz Mom will already know she's the MOB.

Connie will clench Mom's left shoulder w/her right hand and B all, "U're going to smile 'til it hurts and cry in yr kleenex and take a million pictures and I'm gonna B so happy 4 U, that I'll cry 2!" Notice she'll B happy 4 MOM--not 4 Liz or Anthony." She will escort Mom out of the room and tell her, "Then, when it's all over, we're BOTH going to look like a couple of wrecks! But I'll try to look worse than U." Mom will say, "Thanks." Then, as they go out in2 the hallway, Connie will say, "No problem... That's what good friends do!" Good friends look worse than U so U'll look better? Interesting concept.

A couple of other things U mite B interested 2 know: Mom will wear her hair in a French twist instead of her usual bun. She'll be wearing a blouse, shirt, and jacket combo. Connie will have a sleeveless black dress and have her short hair severely parted on the side.


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  • At 7:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, it's always good to know which way to panic. The biggest source of any potential horror is, of course, Mike's post-wedding speech. That looks as if it might seem to last a week.

  • At 10:46 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i think it’s really cube u know wut’s gonna happ on ur sis’s weddin’ day, especially that part u told me ‘bout how we sneak out 4 a bit & um…u know…make sure ur dress fits rite. az 4 ur mom gettin’ confuzed ‘bout whether or not she’s the mother of the bride, i can def c that. remembah wen u found that list of the responsibilities of the mother of the bride, & read it 2 ur mom:

    1. help the bride find the wedding dress of her dreams, as well as other wedding attire. & ur mom sed, “deanna’s doin’ that. also gramma marian’s ghost.”

    2. if you haven't already met, contact the groom's parents and arrange to meet. & ur mom sed, “i alreddy met anthony’s ‘rents a long tyme ago.”

    3. choose your mother-of-the-bride dress as soon as possible, then let the groom's mother know what you have picked. if possible, send her a swatch of the fabric and/or pictures so that she can look for a gown that will compliment yours. & ur mom wuz like, “i don’t think she’z evn comin’ aftah she abandoned anthony while he wuz singin’ his solo @that xmas concert, wen he wuz in elementary skool. that wuz disgraceful.” & u were like, “i’ll call her & tell her then.”

    4. quickly draw up the guest list for your side of the family, and later, close to the date of the wedding, call any of your guests who are late in rsvping. & u hadda do that cuz all ur mom & sis cud do wuz stand around & shriek ovah those 10 peeps who didn’t respond.

    5. reserve blocks of hotel rooms for your out-of-town guests, and possibly other guests as well. & ur mom wuz like, “did we invite peeps frum out-of-town? who do we know frum out-of-town?” & u were like, “uncle phil. gramma carrie & grandpa will & all the peeps frum winnipeg.” & ur mom wuz like, “who? r they comin’?” & u were like, “i sent them invitations.” & ur mom wuz like, “well, if they can find a way 2 come then they can find a way 2 reserve rooms. that wuz not on my list i went ovah w/the bridesmaids.” & so then u hadda do it.

    6. help spread the word about where the couple are registered. & ur mom wuz like, “registered? askin’ 4 gifts iz so tacky. peeps shud b like lawrence poirier & make part of the wedding their gift.” & u know we hadda do that 2gethah. it wuz fun.

    7. attend the wedding shower and rehearsal dinner. & ur mom wuz like, “i don’t think we have enuff tyme 2 do those thingz. we gonna go str8 2 the weddin’ & connie tellin’ me how pretty i am.” & u were like, “no, mom. tracey mayes’ iz throwin’ a shower 4 liz, remembah? & we hafta have a rehearsal, so dad duzn’t mess thingz up & try 2 walk anthony down the aisle.” & ur mom wuz like, “well, i am certainly not gonna remembah those thingz.” & u were like, “wutevah. i guess i’ll hafta do it.”

    neway, ur doin’ mosta the mother-of-the-bride stuff, so ur mom mite think ur the mob, if it weren’t 4 connie poirier tellin’ her thass she’s the mob.

  • At 10:47 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I have a vision too about what is going to happen on our sister’s wedding day. I will bring my speech I have prepared. A hush will fall over the crowd as I rise and people will whisper, “It’s Michael Patterson. Best-selling author and son of Elly Patterson and brother of the bride.” I will stand in front of the awestruck and worshiping crowd. I will tell my joke where I compare Elizabeth to Sheilaugh Shaugnessy and Anthony to Leonard Driscoll, the protagonists of my best-selling novels Stone Season and Blood Cargo. The crowd will laugh, they will cry, they will remember their own weddings fondly and wish they had a nice cuppa to go along with those fond memories. Then as I finish with my last words a barely, audible whisper; the crowd will go wild and carry me away on their shoulders. It will be grand. I can hardly wait.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:57 AM, Blogger howard said…


    My wife, Beatrice Alfarero and my 2 daughters were invited to the wedding shower Tracey Mayes is throwing for your sister. I thought I would ask to make sure I understand this correctly. The invitation has a list of things you can volunteer to pay for, which are a part of the ceremony. Is that right, or is this some kind of joke?

    Also, what is this competition to see who can look worse than the mother-of-the-bride on the wedding day?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, many ppl r dreading mike's speech!

    jeremy, gah, i'd b totally xxhausted if i didn't have u around 2 help me w/all the stuff no1 else is bothering 2 do!

    mike, many ppl r dreading yr speech.

    howard, i wish it were a joke. but jeremy and i also secretly set up sum more normal registries. i will e-mail u the info.


  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. When you tell me that many people are dreading my speech, I know just what you mean. I experienced the same situation with my novels. When my first novel, Stone Season, was declared by the Milborough Shopper to be the great Canadian novel, there were some people who dreaded my second novel. They would say, “How can you possibly match Stone Season? I dread to see your second novel.” There was quite an expectation of failure. Even my publisher doubted I would be able to achieve the same stunning success. But after Blood Cargo came out, all those doubts were quelled. The Milborough Shopper said, “Can there be 2 great Canadian novels?” All I can say to those people are dreading my speech, is “Don’t worry”. The quality of the speech will not suffer just because I have written 2 best-sellers.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:06 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    howard, april iz sendin' u an e-mail w/an attachment. howevs, 4 the tracey mayes shower where u hafta pay 4 part of the weddin', i wud pay for the table decorationz. april is doin' thoze & she duzn't needta b spendin' nemore of her own money on her sis' weddin'.

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger howard said…


    For some reason table decorations are not on this list of items for the wedding shower for Elizabeth Patterson. However, I am just going to add it to our list. I talked to Beatrice and she likes the idea. If April could tell me what she needs for table decorations, I will be glad to make the purchases.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, jeremy & howard, u r the best!!! the supplies 4 table decorations were not included cuz mom and liz decided, "april, it's the LEAST u can do!" erg. howard, i'll send u an e-mail re. what's needed 4 the decs. thanx so much!


  • At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    Now that the blessed event is upon us, let me thank you for ensuring that the Kelpfroths and I were on the invitation list for this gala event. Gosh, this day seems like it's going to last for weeks! If only my old Academy roommate Constable Paul Wright could also be present! But I suppose that could be uncomfortable, especially as there are those who would compare his rugged physique and healthy glow to the pallid, limp groom. (I hope my own prejudices didn't color that remark, as I continue to suspect that Anthony is the psycho peeper/stalker who has been terrorizing the suburbs. Let's close our eyes and hope for the best.)

  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno if u shoulda let ur mom know u can c wut’s gonna happ durin’ ur sis’ weddin’. she wuz like, “how much flesh did i show? ur a guy who appreci8s a woman’s body. how much do u think i should show @the weddin’, jeremy?” u sed, “none.” she sed, “oh, april. ur such a prude. my body hazn’t looked this good in years & i wanna show sum skin.” i sed, “mebbe sum nose hair trimmers wud help.” & u laffed, but ur mom wuz like, “now thass thinkin’. my nose iz the biggest part of my face, so mebbe it needz a good trim 2 make me look sexy. i don’t wanna b1 of those hairy-nosed euro women. do i get a nose hair trim, april? can u tell that frum wut u know ‘bout the weddin’?” & u sed, “mebbe, mom. i don’t remembah ne nose hair.”

    so, now she’s goin’ out shoppin’ w/connie poirier 4 nose hair trimmers. just outa curiosity, did ur mom & connie always do that much snugglin’?

  • At 7:38 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Beatrice and I were buying the items you needed for your table decorations and ran into Connie Poirier and your mother in the store. They said they were trying to find nose hair trimmers, preferably with a Simcoe Day Sale price. They also wanted Kleenex and film for a million pictures. I told them I didn’t think the store had that much film in stock.

    After that we ran into your sister and Anthony Caine kissing in the aisles. Your sister said, “I’m getting married.” My wife Beatrice muttered, “I know.” And your sister said, “No more running away. No more searching. No more looking for something that was right here in front of me –all along.” Beatrice said, “And what was that?” And your sister said, “Anthony, of course.” Anthony smiled really big at that.

    Beatrice said, “So, when were you running away and searching?” And your sister said, “When I was in university and when I was in Mtigwaki in Northwest Ontario.” Beatrice said, “You consider going to university and working a job in the Northwest, running away?” And your sister said, “Yes, of course. Isn’t obvious? I should have gone to school at Western, just like Mike and Anthony did. I should have taken a teaching job in Milborough, like I have now.” Beatrice said, “I thought Anthony was engaged or married most of the time you were in university or in Mtigwaki.” Your sister said, “Exactly. If I hadn’t run away, he wouldn’t have married that other woman. He would have married me. That’s why this wedding is my second chance to make up for running away.”

    Beatrice said, “Why were you kissing in the store?” And your sister said, “So people will believe we are in love. I love Françoise, I love Anthony’s family and I love Anthony.” I said, “You love Anthony’s family?” Your sister said, “His uncle is getting us free formalwear, so naturally I love Anthony’s family.” Beatrice said, “And Anthony feels the same way about you and your family?” Anthony said, “I finally got to welcome Elizabeth home.” Beatrice said, “Does this have to do with the running away?” He said, “Yes.” Beatrice said, “Congratulations. When is the wedding date?” Anthony said, “August 23, 2003.” And your sister said, “He always gets this confused. Anthony. The wedding date is August 23, 2008. Not 2003.” And Anthony said, “Oh, right. 2008.” Then he grabbed your sister and started kissing her again.

    After that we ran into your mom and Connie Poirier again. They were struggling to push a cart full of film and Kleenex. We helped them out. Beatrice said to your mom, “Elly. I am a little concerned for your daughter, Elizabeth. I think her fiancé has a lot of unresolved issues with his ex-wife.” And your mom said, “No, Beatrice. Anthony’s main issue is because he was abandoned by his mother as a small child, and he seeks a wife to replace his mother to fix his broken home from when she left.” And Beatrice said, “Doesn’t this concern you?” And your mom said, “Beatrice. This is Milborough, where every single person with any kind of extended biography has some great tragedy in their background. There’s no man in this town who is not messed up in some way or other, or is some kind of mutant, misshapen freak with buck teeth who says, ‘Hoo!’ Anthony Caine is the pick of the bunch. Believe me, I have looked.” Connie said, “She could always pick a woman instead.” Your mother said, “You can’t get grandbabies, if your daughter goes same sex. You should know that.” Connie sobbed a little as they drove away.

    It was a little odd, but I thought you might want to hear those stories.

    Howard Bunt


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