April's Real Blog

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Witch Finds False Teeth Hi-Larious

Guess who was on Good Morning, Milborough today? The Witch of Corbeil (WoC)! The hostess, Candi Clonkers, was interviewing her abt Mom's visit w/Grandpa Jim. Here's a bit I remember:

CC: I think we'd all agree that Mrs. Patterson is a nice, nice woman, who LOVES her father! An all-around wonderful daughter and human being!

WoC: Yes, yes! That's what people need to realize! Elly's not perfect, but her HEART is in the right place. And she tries!

CC [consulting notes]: So, as I understand it, the part of Elly's visit people will be discussing today, over coffee and whatnot, featured her asking her father, "You're OK, aren't you, Dad? In spite of, you know... Everything... You're OK?" To which Mr. Richards said, "Yes," while hoisting himself up from chair to walker.

WoC: Yes! Elly is so caring....

CC: Then, she put one arm around him while saying, "You mean so much to me--to EVERYONE! We don't tell you often enough how lucky we are to have you here with us." Correct?

WoC: Yes! And I think this is something many families can relate to, families with elderly relatives who...

CC: Some of my sources indicate that April Patterson is a notable exception, as she visits her Grandpa often and tells him how much she loves him.

WoC: April! Well, she's a teenager! And a little spoiled! She might be nice to her Grandpa, but what her parents have to put up with, having a teenager in the house! Well, maybe they'd visit Jim more often if they didn't have to deal with her!

CC: But would they, really?

WoC: No. Not really. But let's get back to Elly's visit. Don't forget their lovely HUG! Right after that dialogue about how lucky the Pattersons are to have Jim with them, Jim let go of his walker, walked his feeble, failing body over to Elly, and gave her a hug!

CC: Sources tell me that during the hug, your father's body, seen from the back, looked squat and womanly. And the back of his head looked quite a bit like Elly's daughter-in-law, Deanna's!

WoC: Horrible, picky people! I'd like to see them do better?

CC: Huh?

WoC: Er, never mind! Let's get back to how wonderful this moment was! Elly said, "Ooohh! I'm gonna feel this hug for DAYS!" Then Jim thought, "Me too." And after he and Elly disengaged from the hug, he put a hand to his shirt while thinking, "I left my teeth in my pocket!!!" [Laughs hysterically, tongue extended.]

CC: Why do you find false teeth so funny?

WoC: Aw, c'mon, isn't it obvious? They're TEETH, that come OUT of the MOUTH, that can be LEFT PLACES and LOST and BRANDISHED AT PEOPLE and can BITE their owner by mistake! What's not to find hilarious?! [Laughs again.]

CC: Didn't this "joke" scenario happen before, about seven or eight years ago, when Jim was living with the Pattersons? Doesn't that diminish the erstwhile humour?

WoC: NO! If it was funny then, it's still funny NOW! And most people aren't going to remember so far back, so it'll be new to them!

CC: And why the heck doesn't Jim keep his teeth in his mouth? I've never seen the logic of taking them out and sticking them in a shirt pocket.

WoC: Well, if you did loads of research and development as I do, you'd know--it's something OLD people DO! It's an "old" thing. You wouldn't understand!

CC: Okay! So, on that note, that's all the time we have for this segment! After the next break, join us for the toast-and-jam diet!

I didn't stick around for the toast-and-jam diet. I went right from seeing that to writing this. Now I'd better go get ready 4 my work @ the vet clinic and more errands 4 Liz!


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  • At 8:16 AM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    I get the impression that the Witch of Corbeil knew somebody who used to keep his dentures in his shirt pocket. Given how out of touch she is by times, it's obvious that she thinks a strange little quick is a general rule.

  • At 8:17 AM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    That's "quirk", not "quick". My bad.

  • At 10:55 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I just love Good Morning, Milborough Today. My interview with Candi Clonkers about my last novel Blood Cargo was one of the highlights of my television appearances promoting my novel. She is very friendly, and she keeps a full jar of candy on stage with her. I learned after my interview, it was considered to be a decoration and the guests were supposed to answer questions and not eat all of Candi's candy; but it was a simple error. Candi just loved my book. She kept on saying, "As I understand it, you have written the great Canadian novel?" and tough questions like that.

    I am so impressed that our own mother has merited enough notice to be discussed on Good Morning, Milborough Today. She was right up there with the interviews with Mrs. Gultch on her rutabaga crop and the sanitation worker who found a whole bag of perfectly good poutine thrown out.

    The interview talking about mom was the best. I think it truly captures what a wonderful and caring woman she is to have to put up with not only talking to Grandpa Jim, but having to press his body against hers for a hug. The whole business with Grandpa Jim's teeth was hysterical, almost as funny as when my daughter used his teeth to mold clay while he was sleeping. You simply can't go wrong with denture jokes. They are so true-to-life, because everyone knows that removable teeth are funny and the people who own them, almost never put them in their mouths. I think I may have to put some denture jokes in my upcoming novel #3. My publisher said it would be difficult for my next novel to sell as well as my first 2, but a couple of good denture jokes might just be the ticket to get those additional sales.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:01 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i got the transportation 4 ur sis' weddin' booked. wen they found out it wuz 4 ur sis' weddin' they put a condition on the service that ur sis & ur fam can't eat in the limos. sumthin' 'bout food being sprayed 'bout & makin' a mess all over the interiour. also they sed if they transport ur grandpa he hazta leave hiz dentures in his mouth. i guess they saw the thing on Good Morning, Milborough Today.

  • At 1:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    the woc is v. strange, dc2. she has sum v. weird fixations. yr explanation is as gd as ne!

    mike, i think denture jokes r v. unfunny. u mite wanna do sum market research (and asking mom is not market research).

    jeremy, thanx 4 yr help. u r awesum, as alwayz! <3 <3 <3


  • At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, that limo company is MEAN! All brides have NERVES, from what I've heard. Now I hear I won't be able to have a calming snack in the limo? That's barbaric!

    Liz Patterson


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