April's Real Blog

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Good Grief!

OK, here's what I heard abt the start of Mom's "staying with"* Gramps so Iris cd go away a few days.

Iris went, "I shdn't B going, Elly." And Mom was all, "Of course U shd. U don't get away nearly enuf!" Then she zipped up Iris's suitcase and sed, "Dad and I will B just fine. The nurses will help with his bath, and he can manage with, U know... personal things." I guess we shd B gr8ful she didn't Brit-drop "the loo."

Then Iris stuck a finger in the air and was like, "Now, he likes a bit of oatmeal B4 bedtime, he gets up @ nite, so leave a lite on--watch him if he tries 2 use the stove, make sure he takes all his pills on time..."

Mom didn't say NEthing, she just grabbed Iris's suitcase, and in silence, they left the apt, went down the elevator, and left the bldg, where Dad was waiting w/his 'vASSe. Mom broke her silence then, w/"John's here 2 take U 2 the airport, Iris--and don't worry--Dad's in gd hands." Iris hugged Mom and went, "Good hands... Good heart..." Mom sed, "Goodbye." I wda sed, "Good glurge!" And Charlie Brown wda sed, "Good grief!"


*Yeah, I just felt like putting "quotes" around that.

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  • At 10:40 AM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    It occurs to me that you could have gone in your mom's place if all she wants to do is sit there and let the nurses do all the heavy lifting. Her way of caring for your granddad is a lot like Liz's way of planning her wedding: sit back and bitch while others do her job.

  • At 10:49 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, good grief is rite. it wuz weird 2b in ur house 4 brekkie w/ur dad & he wuz like “good gravy” wen he put gravy on everythin’ u made 4 brekkie. then he stuck a finger in the air & wuz like, "now, i like a bit of sploit soup @lunchtime, & next tyme wen u go 2 bed leave a lite on & i rilly don’t wanna hafta uze the stove while ur mom iz gone, so make sure u have supper done on time. u were a little l8 last nite.” then i sed, “dr. p. april works durin’ the day @the vet clinic & can’t make u soup @lunchtime & she duzn’t get home frum work early enuff 2 get u supper @the tyme u want.” & then he sed, “well, jeremy. i guess u’ll hafta do that. i only need it on days where i don’t go 2 work, like 2day.”

    neway. makin’ soup now. i luv u.

  • At 11:08 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I can’t believe Iris would say those things to mom. The woman is unbelievable. After all, mom is staying with Grandpa Jim. That should be enough for her, but to tell mom to make Grandpa Jim oatmeal, and to turn on a light at night, and to watch him around the stove and to make sure he takes his medications on time is too much. You know mom is going to be too busy making tuna casseroles, vacuuming, and looking through old pictures to talk about 1979 with Grandpa Jim to fit in all those other things. Those are full-time tasks and then Iris throws this other stuff in just as she’s about to leave. See if mom ever agrees to take care of Grandpa Jim by herself again. If Iris never gets to travel to see her family, she will have no one to blame but herself. I know I have lost all sympathy for her.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:18 AM, Blogger howard said…


    What happened to your mom? I was out and about Milborough the other day with my wife Beatrice and saw this woman with a fine figure, dressing well, and I just assumed she had to be someone from out-of-town. Then she turned around and it was your mom. She had breasts and a waist line and looking at the arm holes on her sleeveless blouse, I could swear she wasn’t wearing a bra. What happened? Did she have a boob job? Did she have liposuction? Did someone burn all her frumpy clothes so she had to wear nice ones instead?

    My wife Beatrice said it was part of the Elly beautification project to get your mom ready to look nice as a mother-of-the-bride for your sister’s wedding; but it seemed a little extreme and misguided to me, i.e. no rhinoplasty. I have heard of a new plastic surgery that is especially popular called “muppetplasty” where the procedure apparently makes the person’s face look like a normal human face and not like the face of a muppet. That would be the surgery I would recommend for your mother, even above rhinoplasty.

    So, what’s the secret behind your mother’s sudden change in figure and fashion? I want to know all the details.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, well, now u can c where liz gets it, eh?

    jeremy, u r being so, so nice and so, so cube abt all this. i wdn't blame u if u ran away and didn't look back. i m going 2 show u how gr8ful i m when we can have sum privacy. <3 <3 <3

    mike, i m sure that's xxactly what mom was thinking, but that's no surprise, since u r so much like her.

    howard, i tried asking mom abt the change in her appearance, and she kinda waved her hand in the air and mumbled sumthing abt the witch of the north having a good self-image l8ly.


  • At 6:57 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it wuz totally not the way it looked. ur dad pulled his back out doin’ sumthin’ w/hiz trainz & u were still @work @the vet clinic & he sed, “elly wud rub my back wen i pulled it & so i need sum1 2 do that since elly iz w/her father.” so thass the reasn y i wuz rubbin’ hiz back w/hiz shirt off wen u walked in & ur dad wuz goin’, “good hands. good heart” & makin’ those moanin’ soundz. i cudn’t get ur dad 2 stop sayin’ that & makin’ those noises. he sed, “i learned my lesson. only make moanin’ soundz in the privacy of ur own home & not in the furniture store or @the mall.”

    neway, he wudn’t stop & he started whinin’ if i stopped. i kinda didn’t xxpect u2 walk in on that. i kinda hoped we wud b done b4 u got back home. & then wen u saw us u sed, “w/my father?! jeremy, how cud u? goodbye!” i wuz gonna tell u it wuz just cuz of ur dad & his back, but ur dad hadda start talkin’ ‘bout how good ur joke wuz w/the theme of “good” frum "goodbye" in it 2 match hiz “good handz” & “good heart” & i didn’t get a chance. pleaze open ur door, april. b-lieve me, i am totally not innerested in ur dad that way.

  • At 7:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i've calmed down and let jeremy in my door. as soon as i read his xxplanation, i knew it was true, cuz:

    1) jeremy doesn't lie


    2) that is SO like my dad

    we r gonna lock my door again, so we can have a bit of privacy.


  • At 7:27 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You think I am so much like mom I know what she is thinking? Wow! You sure know the way to compliment someone.

    By the way, if you happen to be somewhere near Grandpa Jim’s apartment, mom was looking for someone who knew how to turn the light on. I’ve never been to his apartment at night time, so I don’t know. Maybe you could stop in and show her where the light switch is. She’s tried asking Grandpa Jim where it is several times, and apparently all he does is point to a wall and say, “Yes!” And then mom has to tell him again and again that she knows the wall needs a fresh coat of paint, but she isn’t going to paint the apartment. In his own way, he’s just as demanding of mom as Iris is.

    Mom really hates the fact Grandpa Jim doesn't write even though his hands work; because aphasia not only affects your ability to use speech, but it undermines much of your ability to write as well. Aphasia sufferers can often read and understand the spoken word quite well, so this inability to communicate verbally or in writing is horribly frustrating to mom! If only Grandpa Jim could write, then mom could communicate with him and find out where the light switch is. Without the spoken word or the written word, it is simply impossible to communicate with him. Maybe some day, in the distant future, people will invent devices to allow communication with persons suffering from aphasia. There have been such technological improvements in my lifetime, I can see this happening.

    Imagine the future, April. We will have flying cars, floating cities, and communication tools for people with aphasia. Until then, the only thing left to us is to follow the example of mom and Iris and ignore Grandpa Jim or assume that he has the intelligence of a baby. That is certainly the kindest way to deal with him, eh?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, jeremy and i just got back from my gramps's place. when we got there, it was totally dark, xxcept 4 the outdoor lamps shining thru the windows. mom kept asking gramps where the liteswitches were, and he'd pt rite @ the liteswitch and go "YES!" and mom wd go in2 this whole thing abt not painting the walls.

    i was like, "MOM! haven't u noticed that gramps is pting @ the LITESWITCH?" and mom went, "oh, that's the liteswitch? y didn't dad just say so?" and i was like, "aphasia, remember?" and mom sed, "of course! don't talk 2 me like i'm 2!" and i sed, "i'm not!" i was going 2 say i was treating her like she was 57 and willfully clueless, but i knew that wdn't go well, so i skipped that.

    jeremy and i tried 2 find that picture book gramps useta have 2 help him communic8, but we cdn't.

    while we were there, we found the oatmeal, made sum 4 gramps while showing mom how, and put sum safety switches on the stove 2 keep gramps from turning it on while mom sleeps.

    as we were leaving, i heard mom saying, "c what a gr8 daughter i m?"



  • At 10:00 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur so smart. i mean it. u sed we wud hafta stop & get safety switches b4 we went 2 ur grandpa jim’s apartment & we rilly needed them. u also make a pretty good oatmeal. it’s 2 bad we cudn’t find that picture book. howevs, definitely good we found those wheelchair brakes. i rilly don’t wanna know y they were b-ing used 2 balance out the legs of that chesterfield. neway, thanx 2 my super smart gf, we alreddy had the tools 2 put on the safety switches & put brakes back on a wheelchair.

    ur grandpa jim wuz prolly not in ne danger frum the wheelchair. frum the look of those photo albumz, ur mom seemed 2b more in the mood 2 talk ‘bout 1979 than wheel him around ne place where he mite roll down a hill, eh? & my super intelligent gf wuz rilly smart wen u suggested puttin’a little tape on those photo albumz. ur mom wuz headed rite ovah 2 them 2 get us caught up in talkin’ ‘bout 1979 & if she did that, we mite be standin’ in ur grandpa jim’s apartment 4 weeks. i like ur grandpa & i wud prolly take a bullet 4 him; but a 1979-reminiscing w/ur mom crosses the line. he iz definitely on his own w/that. as we were leaving, i heard ur mom sayin’, “y can’t i get these photo albums open? sum1 taped them shut! who did that?” it wuz like musick 2 my ears. ur so smart. i luv u.


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