April's Real Blog

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Mom makes us all sorry, eh?

This morning over brekky, Dad sed 2 me, "April, I will tell U a story that shows U sumthing U need 2 understand abt marriage. Last nite, Yr mother and I were getting ready 4 bed, and as I put my Dentist's Choice brand toothpaste on my Excavat-R toothbrush, I sed, 'This wedding's been a lot of work, but U're enjoying it, Rn't U, El.' And yr mother sed, 'Yes. I have 2 admit I am.'" I sed, "Dad, the wedding's been a lot of work 4 every1 but U! And Dad sed, "Sh, let's not go there, yr Mom mite hear and get angry abt that, even tho she hasn't thot 2 get angry abt that yet!" I sed, "Y don't U just help out?" And Dad sed, "The answer 2 'Y' is 'Y.' 'Y' chromosome, that is!" I rolled my eyes.

Then Dad sed, "Well, yr mother continued w/'It makes me think back 2 our wedding. We just walked in2 it, didn't we. We didn't question it... We just went ahead and got married.' I was brushing my teeth, so I didn't answer rite away. As I wiped my chin with a towel, I sed, 'And it's lasted 4 over 30 yrs--so, I guess I've dun all the rite things!' Yr mother, who had been abt 2 brush her teeth, suddenly discarded her toothbrush and sed, 'What do U mean--U've dun all the rite things?!' I put a hand on one of her arms, looked @ her sheepishly, and sed, 'It was a joke! I was kidding! Honey, I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry.' Then a bit later, as we snuggled 2gether in bed, I thot, '....I did the rite thing.'"

I was like, "U mean U sed U were sorry when U really weren't?" And Dad sed, "U betcha. It's called 'diplomacy.' That's what U need in marriage. Diplomacy." And I sed, "U cd also try and avoid making jerky little comments in the 1st place." Dad looked stricken and sed, "If I never made jerky comments, there'd B no makeup snuggles. Don't U know makeup snuggles R the best kind?" And I sed, "Oh, I just remembered, I need 2 B @ the vet clinic early so I can leave early and work on wedding stuff." And Dad sed, "OK, well, don't work 2 hard, buddy!" Blargh.


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  • At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's just like your dad to pull crap like that because he likes getting yelled at. A saner man would keep his mouth shut and avoid unnecessary grief. As for your mom, you know what they say: A sadist is somebody who's kind to a masochist.

  • At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    No no no.

    No no no no no no no no...

    There shall not be anymore flashbacks until this stoopid wedding is over with.

    I would much rather see further wedding planning events unravel and unfold like your mom's perfectly shaved bedsheets than to be riding in that musty time machine whose dial appears to be stuck in 1979 or 1980.

  • At 9:12 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gah, u r preaching 2 the choir on that one, patrickrsghost. i m bracing myself and preparing 2 boycott flashbacks. :(

    dc2, my 'rents r nuts. i guess that pretty much xxplains it all, eh?


  • At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, you are such a know-it-all smartypants. You know what you should do when Mom or Dad tells you things about marriage? Write it down. Okay, I know you do write it down, when you do your blog stuff. But I don't mean writing about it on a blog so you can make fun of it and show off how smart you think you are. I mean write in a notebook of wise things you need to know to live your life the right way.

    Mom and Dad have been married for over thirty years! They are Milborough's number one married couple, and everyone looks up to them and uses them as a role model of how you should be when you are married. Mom has been giving me all kinds of pointers, so I started a special notebook called "Wise Stuff Mom Knows About Marriage."

    And I know that Dad has been tutoring Anthony on what he needs to know to be married to a Patterson girl for many, many, many years. Though Anthony's been married, it was obviously just a "starter" marriage, and he hasn't learned anything from it other than he shouldn't have married anyone that Mom and Dad didn't pick out for him!

    So you should pay attention to Mom and Dad's wise lessons. In case you ever find a man who can put up with you enough to want to marry you.

    Liz Patterson

  • At 9:23 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    In case you ever find a man who can put up with you enough to want to marry you.

    liz, do u have ne idea how bitchy that is?


  • At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, you are soooo oversensitive. Everyone knows you are like some Martian creature no one understands. It's not my fault it will be hard for you to find anyone who knows "Martian."


  • At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    liz patterson,

    Why is it acceptable that you call your younger sister Picky Face or Martian and not her to call you Lizardbreath? Either mocking names are a good thing or bad. You CANNOT have it both ways no matter how much you think you've suffered. Speaking of which, your current agony seems to be inspired by sitting on your ever-widening rump while other people do things YOU are supposed to. Grow up.

  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    I don't know why I'm even bothering to respond to you, Dreadedwhatsis, but me calling April "Martian" or "picky-face" is totally different to her saying "Lizardbreath." Because she IS a picky-face Martian, and I'm NOT a "Lizardbreath," that's just a mean, mean, mean thing to say!

    And Anthony says he likes my rump exactly the way it is! Also, I have been working really, really hard planning this wedding. It's NOT easy figuring out who should do what and handing out the lists! No one understands!


  • At 1:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, liz, talk about "over-sensitive." if u wanna c over-sensitive, look in2 the mirror.


  • At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Shut-up, April! Martian princess!


  • At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    liz patterson,

    I touched a nerve, didn't I, Soon-to-be-Mrs-Touchy? I know enough about your family to realize you guys think that "humor" is what happens to other people and not you but that's because your mother is crazy and self-absorbed. If your parents weren't cartoon fools, you'd know better.

  • At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, why do you let mean people post mean things on your blog? Your mean blog?


  • At 3:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lololol! hey, mayB i should change the name of my blog, peeps! "april's mean blog."



  • At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    You see that, everyone?!?!?! April is a big old meanie!



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