April's Real Blog

Friday, July 11, 2008

Dad trains Anthony in the ways of Patterson Men

So, on that same "wedding planning" day I've been telling U abt, Anthony skulked his way in2 our yard, where he found Dad. Anthony was all, "Hey, Dr. P! --How's it going!" Dad, who was in the process of winding up the garden hose, was all, "Fine, Anthony!" Anthony went, "Is Liz around?" And Dad sed, "She's in the house. They're going full-tilt on the wedding plans, so I wdn't goin there if I were U." Oh, no, can't have the menfolk help with the wedding. Not even the groom.

Anthony asked, "Is there a problem? And Dad responded, "It's a wedding! There's ALWAYS a problem! Sumthing's not rite here, a dress doesn't fit there, ppl haven't responded, the caterer's out of town..." Hm, I dunno Y Anthony needs Dad 2 school him in the ways of weddings. It's not like Anthony hasn't ever had 1. Anthony sed, "MayB we shd just elope." And Dad went, "What? ...And spoil all the run?!!"

Whatever. I guess it's more "fun" if U insist on witnessing it from afar and let the "ladies" 2 all the wedding stuff. Shut up, Dad!


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  • At 10:24 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i am nevah goin’ near ur dad wen he haz hiz hose out again. i wuz comin’ ovah 2cu & i sed, “dr. p. how ru?” & he sed, “nevah bettah. anthony & were comparin’ the length of our hose.” & i sed, “wudya mean?”

    then ur dad put the hose near anthony’s man gear & let a length of it drop 2 the ground & sed, “elizabeth’s gonna b a lucky girl on her weddin’ nite wen she gives anthony her gift.” i sed, “i thot she alreddy gave anthony that gift back in high school, or r we talkin’ sum othah kinda gift?” then ur dad looked rilly stern @anthony & sed, “anthony’s gots sum splainin’2 do.” then anthony laffed & sed, “oh, dr. p. u know jeremy wuz just jokin’. show him how much hose u have.” then ur dad tied the hose in a knot & put it by his man gear & sed, “this is wut happs 2 ur hose when u get married.” i sed, “vasectomy?” & ur dad sed, “no. it’s supposed 2 symbolize that u don’t get ne.” anthony sed, “ne wut?” & ur dad sed, “hose water. thass wut. hard 2 get hose water aftah ur married.” anthony laffed & sed, “u & ur jokes, dr. p. i know all ‘bout b-ing cut off frum hose water frum wen i wuz married b4.”

    & then he held the end of the hose up, so it wuz like, right by my man gear & sed, “not much hose there, jeremy.” & anthony kinda laffed & sed, “2 bad 4 april. cud xxplain sum thingz. liz sez april iz alwayz in a bad mood. mebbe if u had more hose.” i sed, “thass not funny.” & ur dad sed, “i don’t get it.” & anthony sed, “april & jeremy. u know wen she gives him her gift.” & ur dad sed, “i still don’t get it.” & anthony sed, “ur daughter april. u know. looks like elizabeth, but not az tall & not az pretty. has that hair that hangs in her face all the tyme.” ur dad sed, “oh, i know who april iz. but anthony, ur implyin’ that a patterson woman haz given her gift b4 marriage & thass not the way it’s done.” & i sed, “i thot elizabeth lived w/a guy in university.” ur dad sed, “separate bedrooms.” &anthony sed, “oh, rite. sorry, dr. p. i wuzn’t thinkin’.” then ur dad sed, “perfectly all right. just remembah anthony, it’s 1 thing 2 leer @a patterson woman & think unpure thots ‘bout her, but patterson woman r2 chaste & pure 4 nethin’ else & i shud know.” i sed, “u married a richards woman.” & ur dad sed, “same diff. now let’s change the subject back 2 sumthin’ funnier, like the length of jeremy’s hose.”

    so, aftah a whole lotta that, i found u had alreddy left 2 work @the vet clinic. then i felt rilly dirty & hadda take a shower.

  • At 10:34 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Now that I have read your blog today, I understand a little better why your father put up that sign in your front yard which says, “WARNING! Beware of Wedding Planners!”

    I said, “Is there a problem in the house?” And your dad said, “It’s a wedding! There’s always a problem! Something’s not right here, a dress doesn’t fit there, people haven’t responded, the caterer’s out of town.” I said, “Well that doesn’t sound like much to me.” Your dad said, “Why not?” I said, “Well, if a dress doesn’t fit, it can be altered. That’s not that big a deal. As for people not responding, that happens for every kind of social event. You just have to allow for extra people to show up. That’s also not a big deal. And I don’t understand why the caterer would need to be in town a month before a wedding. The important part is if the caterer is not in town for the wedding.” And your dad said, “But what if we have questions for the caterer?” I said, “You can either wait for the caterer to come back in town, or you can use this device we have today called a phone and call the caterer wherever they are.” Your dad scowled at me. He said, “You better not tell the ladies inside the house that, or you will spoil all the fun.” I said, “If that’s what’s getting the ladies inside your house upset, then you have bigger problems than wedding planning.”

    Your dad said, “What do you think of this sign?” He raised a sign which said, “WARNING. Crazy Wedding Ladies. May Bite.” I said, “That’s seems to be a pretty accurate warning.” Your dad said, “Thanks.” I said, “Are you going to be outside all day?” And he said, “Well, I have to go in for food, and I usually take that time to get a good laugh.” I said, “Well, OK then.”

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:46 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Elope? Now, there’s an idea. I wouldn’t have to go to a wedding, if Anthony and Elizabeth eloped. Plus, the sooner they get married, the less likely it is that Elizabeth will get cold feet and run away. On the other hand, Anthony is playing his part masterfully well. Stay far away from Elizabeth while she is planning. He will not get to see her worst side (before marriage anyway), and she will not get any crazy ideas that Anthony should help in the preparation. I simply could not be more pleased how things are going.

    Just think, formerly little sis, in just one month our sister will be a married woman, and most likely pregnant within a few days after that. The culmination of almost 10 years of courtship with Anthony Caine will finally reach its conclusion. Elizabeth will be the person she has always been meant to be: Mrs. Anthony Caine. No longer will I have to hear, “Why isn’t your sister married yet?” unless they are talking about you. I can hardly wait. Maybe they should elope. If they don't, then that is something you and Gerald should consider.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Something odd happened yesterday. I completed my conversion to Judaism, and we had a special reception at Adele Cohen's synagogue, during which we announced our pre-engagement. Just after her parents finished making their congratulatory toasts, who should appear at my side but Diana Artemis, that childhood-sweetheart consultant of yours from the Johnston Institute.

    She said, "Gerald, I regret to inform you that you are officially considered unsuitable as a potential future husband for April Marian Patterson."

    I said, "I am? Is it because I plan to take the last name of my pre-fiancée, and that 'Cohen' only has two syllables?" And Dr. Artemis responded, "Uh, yeah. That's it. It's got nothing to do with you being a member of the 'tribe' now. Nope, nope, nothing to do with that."

    Anyway, other than that strange incident, the reception was quite lovely, and Adele is already starting to plan our wedding. But maybe I should take your brother's suggestion and elope with Adele!

    The Future Gerald Cohen

  • At 12:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ugh, jeremy, sorry my dad and anthony put u thru all that. and anthony's such a twit. liz taller and prettier than i am? not. ok, sumtymes she's taller. but other times she's shorter, and other times we're the same height. it's weird, but i'm kind of used to it.

    howard, sorry u had 2 witness that. my dad. nothing but embarrassing.

    mike? shut up.

    gerald, u shd prolly ask adele what she wants 2 do. if she's started planning the wedding, there's a gd chance she wdn't want 2 elope.


  • At 12:35 PM, Anonymous Adele Cohen said…

    I have always wanted a pretty-princess wedding. No eloping!

    Adele Cohen, Gerald's pre-fiancée

  • At 12:36 PM, Anonymous Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe said…

    My lovely Adele-Flower,

    No worries, lavish pretty-princess wedding it is!

    Future Gerald Cohen

  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Shouldn't Anthony be helping out with the planning, at least on his part in the whole procedure? Unless he plans on using the same tux he wore to his first wedding to Therese.

    A lot of couples nowadays don't go for the big fancy weddings, but I know your mom is into the old-fashioned fancy weddings. Maybe the Lizardbride (There's a new nickname for you and Mike to use on her...there's always "Bridezilla") and Ant could fly down to Vegas and go through one of those drive-thru chapels. in 15 minutes they'd be married.

  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, patrickrghost, ita that anthony shd b involved in planning the wedding, but unfortch he thinks whatev my dad tells him must b true. it's sad, really.

    as 4 their going 2 vegas, i think that wd defeat the whole "rush the wedding so gramps can c it" idea. unless they fly him 2 vegas, 2, but that wd b 2 complic8ed 4 liz and ant 2 pull off.


  • At 1:34 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Well, I see that Gerald Delaney-Forsythe is not wasting any time in setting up his marriage to the woman who will bear his first child and whose life he will ruin once he acknowledges that you are the only woman for him and he made a mistake in marrying her. I would have thought he might have waited until university as Anthony Caine did, but clearly university is not the starting point. It must be the point where you break off your high school romance with him.

    I certainly hope he will invite you to the wedding, and you can spend time doing dance training with a gay dancing friend, so you can show off. Lawrence Poirier probably knows a few gay, dancing guys who are about your age. And when I say “know” I don’t mean intimately. We wouldn’t want Nicholas to get jealous.

    You should probably meet this Adele, so you can get a proper jealous hate started between the two of you.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D. said…

    Michael Patterson, you fool! Gerald Delaney-Forsythe has been officially deemed unworthy of April Patterson. Now and forevermore. You are hereby ordered, by the power invested in me and by the Johnston Institute and the Witch of Corbeil, to cease and desist ever making any reference to your sister April Patterson ever marrying Mr. Delaney-Forsythe (and future Mr. Cohen). Failure to comply with this order shall result in punishments that may include, but are not limited to, transformation into an animal, being given more "womanly" hips, and complete erasure.

    Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
    Johnston Institute for Better Living

  • At 4:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's a pity a cool old guy like Jim is dying when there are so many jackasses like your dad and Awfulny racing around. Life is hard but guys like them make it worse because they don't see the harm they do.

  • At 4:54 PM, Anonymous Jennifer said…

    Lurker coming out...
    I have finally blogged about Elizabeth/Granthony here:

  • At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Diana Artemis,

    Isn’t there a wedding you are supposed to be helping with? You can denounce Gerald Delaney-Forsythe all you want, but when he shows up at my sister Elizabeth’s wedding as April’s date, you will see how well your ceasing and desisting affects things. Besides my understanding is the witch of Corbeil works 6 weeks in advance and is already done with my family. Your threat is meaningless. Shouldn’t you be looking for work?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Deanna Patterson said…

    Oh, my God, April! Mike he, I can't even believe this is possible--he's just been erased! A giant hand came out of the sky, with a large eraser, and just.... OMG, April, it ERASED him! Just, starting with his head, and swooping down over the rest of him. It erased him in a single swipe. He's gone, April. Gone.

    Deanna Patterson


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